The Fixable
by Loverswriter
Summary: He's the Chief Medical Officer. She's a hypochondriac. Now there's a prescription for love if there ever was one.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: This is for my amusement and do not own or make money from Star Trek.**

 **Chapter One: Mattie Hanson Meet Deep Space**

"That's really big," Mattie Hanson said under her breath as she looked out the window of the shuttle she was presently traveling in. No wonder everybody kept going on about the _Enterprise_. It was massive, bright and shiny. And supposedly Mattie's new home.

She leaned forward as far as she could to continue gazing out the window as they traveled further into space. Around her other officers and newly minted ensigns either murmured among one another or looked bored. Maybe going up into space, or onto the _Enterprise_ , was normal to everybody else, but it was all new to Mattie.

Not that she hadn't been working for Starfleet. She'd been on a special engineering team for the past four years.

Granted, under no circumstance was anybody ever to know about that special engineering team or anything else that had likewise been deemed classified by Starfleet Intelligence. Subsequently, quite a lot of the work that Mattie had done in the past years had been buried deep in the ground.

Leaning back into her seat, Mattie took a deep big breath. She was doing this because Rose had asked her. Everything would be okay, despite the alarming amount of germs and the high risk of injury. But, yes, everything would be okay.

Mattie had no idea what to really do but she followed the other crewmembers as they disembarked the shuttle. Finding herself on the _Enterprise_ , she quickly walked at a fast pace as everybody else seemed to be walking with determination.

Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott. That's who she needed to find. He would be her superior and he could tell her where she needed to be. As she walked, she recited in her head what she would say when she found the man.

 _Hello, my name is Mattie Hanson. I fix things, and I believe that I have been assigned to work on your warp core_. No why would she say she fixes things? She did, of course, but that's not how you go about introducing yourself. _Hello, my name is Mattie Hanson. I'm your new warp core specialist._ Yes, that sounded professional enough.

Perhaps it was the fact that deep down she truly was an engineer, her feet easily took her down to Engineering despite never being on the ship before. Steam billowed and Mattie ducked and dodged various redshirts that were running around before Mattie suddenly heard a strong Scottish accent.

Rose had said that the man was Scottish, so Mattie figured she'd finally found the right place. Sure enough, the shirt had the right rank and by the furious glint in the man's eye, she could easily assume that he was the man that cared for the ship.

"Purrin like a kitten," the man spoke into a communicator device.

Mattie had to quickly step out of the way to avoid a hurried looking ensign and when the man came back into view he had stopped speaking and was looking mighty proud at his "kitten."

"Can I help you?" his attention snapped to her as she stood awkwardly.

She jumped at the sudden attention. "I'm Mattie Hanson and I fix things," she said much too loudly and much too oddly. He raised an eyebrow. "Uh, I've been assigned to help with the warp core."

"Ah," he seemed to understand. "Ensign Hanson, right." He was cut off from saying anything else when a black female appeared next to his shoulder.

"Chandler's threatening to take the artificial gravity off-line again."

"Damn bastard," Scotty completely forgot about Mattie. "Why'd I even bother to bring him back on board?"

"Because when he's not being an ass, he's the best orbital engineer that we've got," the woman deadpanned.

"Aye," Scotty waved around a rather large wrench as he started to mumble to himself. Mattie thought she heard the distinct sound of the words, "but he's a pain in the arse," as he walked away.

She thought she had been left alone before she felt something beside her. Looking down she spotted a short alien, with greenish skin that was folded and wrinkled, and big shiny black eyes. He blinked.

"Keenser," she greeted before blinking herself. He hadn't said anything to her.

He stared at her before walking around the antimatter chamber. She remained a pace behind him as she walked around.

Mattie began to nod. "Okay," she took in the facilities and the antimatter reaction chamber. "I can work with this."

Keenser said nothing, but he found her strangely amusing. He decided he was going to like her.

She stopped nodding before slowly looking down at the alien. "Um, could you tell me where Sickbay is at?"

He tilted his head at her.

She opened her mouth to say something, only to choke over no words, before shutting it. He turned and walked away.

They went up several decks and rounded long corridors, all the while feeling the different types of buzzes along the different sections of the ship before they finally ended up outside the entrance to the medical bay. It was so well lit and bright that an odd comfort seemed to roll over her at just the sight of the hospital.

To Mattie Hanson, hospitals always felt like safe places. Others would disagree, but to Mattie they were a place where people wanted to help others. Plus they had all the medical treatments that a girl could need. And there was always a low-lying fear that Mattie thought she was sick.

"Thanks," she told Keenser. He blinked, not sure why she had wanted to go there, before heading back to Engineering.

As she moved forward a voice cut across the PA, a Captain James T. Kirk welcoming his crew aboard a five-year space mission.

Five years, Mattie thought to herself. She'd still be under thirty when it would all be said and done, but that was still a long time nonetheless.

Sickbay was alive and busy despite the mission not quite kicking off yet. She took a few more steps into the room. Still, nobody noticed her yet. She slipped onto a bed.

It was better to be here. It was safer. This was a new ship (to her) after all and it would probably be better if she was here when they entered warp speed.

"Dammit," a strong Southern voice yelled. The next moment a man walked out of an office. "Somebody give me a tricorder."

"You know," another man stepped beside him. "I swear we had more, but what would you know, we're all out."

"M'Benga," the man growled. "Give me back my damn tricorder."

"I just told you," M'Benga feigned innocence. "We don't have anymore."

The Southerner swore under his breath while Mattie looked on in concern at his anger.

"Giles," he yelled at a nurse. "Give me your tricorder."

The man looked down at the device in his hand. "But, sir, I need it."

Another expletive filled the room.

"Oh, for fuck sakes," another nurse rolled her eyes. "M'Benga hid them on the top shelf in the supply closet."

Still swearing the doctor marched to a closet and began furiously rummaging around.

"Spoilsport," M'Benga said with a smile on his face. Whistling to himself he went back to his PADD.

Watching the interactions of the Sickbay Mattie didn't feel anything. Momentarily she zoned out when her body suddenly jerked forward, the top half of her body falling fast as her eyes caught sight of the approaching floor. Her hand tried to catch something, the bed, when she smacked into the ground. Around her everybody else found themselves in a similar state of disarray.

"What the hell?" the Southern doctor struggled to catch himself from falling. He straightened upright as Mattie stood up on shaky legs. He honed in on her bloody hand. Striding forward, while his demeanor was fierce and angry, the hand that went to cup hers was soft and gentle. He held it up for inspection. "Sit back down."

Mattie wanted to snap back that that's what she'd been planning on doing when she decided that there was no point even saying anything to him.

"I swear if that idiot left the parking break on again," he muttered to himself. Mattie feared for the kid that he spoke of. Wrapping her hand he finally looked up and caught sight of her navy eyes. "Well?"

Her brow furrowed.

"What were you here for in the first place?"

She found that her mouth opened but she didn't know what to say.

He looked at her with impatience. "Damn redshirts."

Not liking his comment she pulled back her hand. This time it was his mouth that snapped open and shut as he narrowed his eyes at her. He tugged her hand back to finish.

"Let me do my damn job," he growled at her. "And tell me what the hell you were doing here anyway."

He let her have her hand back and he reached for his tricorder, scanning and assessing her medical state.

"What about infections?"

He stopped scanning as his brow furrowed. "What?"

She glanced at her hand. "What about infections?"

"I cleaned it," he argued. "So just don't do anything stupid and it'll be fine."

She looked like she wanted to say something else, but he didn't let her. "Why are you here?" he asked again only to be interrupted by his communicator.

"Bones," a voice chirped. Bones listened but didn't take his eyes off her as if he didn't want to let his prey out of his sight. "Need you on the Bridge."

"Acknowledged." He closed the device only for it to beep again. "What?"

"Are you coming?" the same voice asked again.

"Oh, yes," he responded sarcastically. "I'm just runnin' up there right now."

This time the line went silent for good.

"Giles," he shouted over his shoulder. "Come take care of her. The captain's being stupid."

Mattie was surprised at his casual remark of the captain. He fled from Sickbay as another man walked forward to take his place.

"Alright?" the man asked him. From the get go he came across as kinder as he picked up a PADD and focused on Mattie. She nodded. "Well, that's been sorted, but what else did you need help with?"

"I," Mattie hesitated as she looked down in shame. He was calm as he waited for her to speak. "I came because I thought it would be safer while we started warp."

He didn't say anything at first so she felt like she had to continue speaking.

"65 percent of accidents occurring at warp speeds occur within the first fifteen minutes of entering warp."

"Right," the man let his PADD hang in one hand. "Well, the good news is that you were right…" Instead of looking at her strangely though or getting angry he surprised her by sitting down on the biobed. "But we're going to have to do something about your anxiety."

"I don't have anxiety," she corrected him. "I'm just a hypochondriac."

"Right," he said the word again slowly. "Is that in your file?" he picked up his PADD again and began to type.

"Mattie Hanson," she told him as he clicked at the screen.

He came across a suspiciously small medical file but didn't say anything about it. "I'm just going to make a note of that, then." She watched him type something in. "It's okay, to be concerned for your health," he told her. "But you know on a ship like this, and with a mission like ours, it's not going to be okay to always come in here anytime we go into warp."

"I can build up a tolerance," she promised quickly. He hesitated before nodding.

"Lieutenant junior grade Hanson," a voice on the PA startled her. "To Engineering."

"Oh, shit, that's me."

Nurse Giles stood up and watched her leave.

"Who was that?" M'Benga stood next to him as he took a bite of an apple.

"That," Giles told him. "Is a hypochondriac."

M'Benga smiled wide. "Nice," he nodded his head in delight as he kept eating. "This is going to be a great mission."

Giles raised an eyebrow at him.

"What?" the doctor defended himself. "This is going to drive McCoy insane. It's going to be awesome."

Giles rolled his eyes and went back to work at the same time that Mattie ran down to Engineering, terrified that she was already in trouble.

The way to Engineering was already ingrained in her. She rounded the long corridor, hopped into the turbolift, got out and sprinted down a short path before she came to a skidding halt in front of the young black woman she had seen earlier.

"Ensign Hanson?" the woman had her hands on her hips. Mattie nodded. "Never run off when you're on shift."

Mattie nodded again.

"If there's anything the Academy should have taught it was at least that," the girl snapped again in a disapproving tone of voice. "And I don't give a damn about any of your excuses. That's the first thing I'll teach you."

The woman turned around and began to walk.

"I'm Lieutenant Kyla Rixson," the woman told her. "I'm the Chief Assistant Engineer, under Mr. Scott, and I'll tell you now, that while I don't suggest pissing me off, I really don't suggest pissing him off. So don't," she spun around on her heels. "Ever run off again when you're on shift. I'm never going to be in the mood to track you down when the Ship's been hit by whatever bad guy Kirk has pissed off. Do you understand?"

Mattie nodded.

Rixson sighed and turned back around. "So, you're in Section B. You're specialty is warp?"

"Yes," Mattie finally used a word.

"Right, well Lieutenant Brown is head of your section. Of course, as you probably know there's a crap ton of things that need to be done to keep a ship running and we're all going to be called upon to do so. While your immediate attention is to be making sure that our warp drive is alive and healthy, don't be surprised at all your other duties. Hey, where are you coming from anyway?"

Mattie wasn't sure what to say and at Rixson's, _do you know how to speak,_ facial expression conveyed her distaste for the new recruit.

"What other ships have you been on?" Rixson spoke slowly.

"I've not been," Mattie admitted. At the Lieutenant's questioning look she hurried to go on. "I was actually on an engineering team. We tested prototype's."

"Prototypes?" Rixson repeated.

"Yeah, like," Mattie waved her arms up as if to motion to the entire _Enterprise_. "Testing out models and technology for what would be the next _Enterprise_."

She found it hard to interpret what Rixson thought about that, but she stuck to the cover story which was kinda sorta true with a large amount of admissions about the actual prototypes they had really been working on.

Rixson's shoulders relaxed as she sighed again. One second later they were tense again as if that was the natural state of her shoulder muscles. "Alright, so you're pretty green with the whole living and working on a ship thing. I'll give you a pass, then for running off this morning, but don't think I'm full of forgiveness."

Mattie stared at the hard look on the woman's face and nodded slowly. "I won't. And I won't give you any excuses ever either."

A ghost of a smile graced Rixson's face before she forced a blank expression on it again. She nodded solemnly and started to walk away.

"Remember, Lieutenant Brown, if you have any questions." It was her way of giving kind advice to the newbie.

Five hours later and Mattie's shift still hadn't ended, but she had a headache that she thought would end her.

Despite asking about Lieutenant Brown, the other engineer, was nowhere around so she ended up relying heavily on Keenser. While the short alien was nice enough Mattie felt this nagging feeling like she should just be better than she was. Like everything she was doing just wasn't working out right. Maybe it was the red uniform that was too itchy and the thick-soled boots that just seemed to weigh her down that made her feel different from usual. She'd never really had to wear a regulation uniform before. There had been some perks to being on a specially recruited team. It could have possibly also been that despite the hundreds of other redshirts, Mattie couldn't help but feel like she stuck out like a sore thumb. She'd had trouble locating supplies until a friendly young man, in broken English, had been nice enough to point out that she was not going to find a wrench in a food supply closet. Then of course because she'd taken too much time finding a damn wrench she hadn't been able to quickly change out a battery and one of her fellow Section B mates had narrowed their eyes at her rather nastily.

She knew that a lot of her insecurity came from just that, being insecure at having to find her place onboard a massive space ship that was known for having the brightest minds assigned to it.

But it was not all in her head, not when she'd accidently messed up the lighting in Main Engineering because she'd been so nervous. What she found to be the worst was that she most definitely knew all there was to know about engineering. She didn't think that highly of herself, but she knew that she loved what she did for a living and she was always happy to fix things. She could just never remember a time when she'd sucked so badly at doing it.

"Um," Mattie stood up straight as she watched a woman breeze by her. She didn't just feel like she was in the way, she knew she was in the way. She scooted over a few steps so that she was closer to a glossy wall.

"What the hell are you doing?" a posh London accent demanded to know. Stern green eyes looked down at the wrench in Mattie's hand.

"Oh," Mattie suddenly stopped using the wrench to itch along her thigh. Her cheeks felt hot as she blushed. "Sorry, it's just itchy. The skirt is really itchy. And not good for bending down and working either."

A perfectly sculpted eyebrow was raised. In clear disdain, the woman offered Mattie a hand to shake. "I'm Abigail Brown, and I hear you are dropping the average intelligence level of Section B."

Over her lifetime Mattie Hanson had had a lot of insults hurled at her. She liked to say she had developed a thick skin, starting from her childhood that consisted of an absent father, a mother that was all but physically absent, and a solidly working class neighborhood in, an unfortunately, stereotypical poor Northern England town. In this instance though she felt her skin prickle.

Abigail Brown didn't give her a chance to defend herself. "There's a time and a place for showing skin." She once again pointedly looked at the skirt Mattie was wearing. "You should have been issued trousers as well."

"Trousers would be great," Mattie exclaimed nervously.

Abigail looked at her like she was stupid. "If you weren't issued them I'd talk to Supply Command. Somebody should be able to get you sorted. Now about this bumbling about, we can't have that. Not in my section please."

Apparently, Abigail took her job as section head very seriously. Or at least very seriously when anything made her look bad.

"I hear that you've been specially assigned by Mr. Scott." Now she looked at Mattie with pure hatred. "As a warp specialist. If your performance is anything to go by today, I'd say good luck with that."

Mattie's cheeks grew even redder.

"I'm not about to pick up any of your slack," Abigail informed her. "But let's keep the casualties to a minimum please and stick to the safe zones. I'm not about to have you work on the warp core when you can't even figure out how the lighting works down here."

Mattie felt numb. At least numb, was better than overwhelming sadness or anger at her assumed stupidity.

"Are we clear?" Abigail's eyebrow was raised again. Mattie nodded stiffly. "Good. Oh, for fuck sakes would you stop fidgeting with your skirt."

Abigail's high ponytail swished around as the woman walked away. Mattie felt hot, yet cold. Yes, cold. As in empty and alone.

She took a few steps forward and eventually ended up sliding into a chair next to Keenser. The alien, of course, didn't say anything, but he sympathetically tilted his head to the side.

"She like that a lot?"

He blinked.

"That's just great."

They sat side by side, his presence a small comfort to her.

"You know," she said in a small voice almost like she was afraid to speak. "I'm really good at my job. I'm just a little nervous is all. It'll get better though."

For the love of God, please let it get better she thought. Absentmindedly she tugged at a necklace that had recently been given to her. It had been from all her friends, but Oscar had been the one to give it to her as he'd been the only one in San Francisco before she'd left.

It was just a simple design of a boat with the sail up. What made it special was the waves that portrayed the ship as sailing in the water.

"Rise above and don't let anybody get you down," Oscar had said.

 _Because you'll just sink._

"There's no point trying to fit in?" Mattie asked Keenser as she rubbed the charm. He shook his head. "What am I doing in a skirt then?"

Mattie stood up and ran out of the room. She'd looked up her room assignment earlier and while it was several decks above Engineering and the fact that Rixson would most likely kill her if she got caught running off again didn't deter Mattie. She made it to her room in record time and opened the door for the first time.

It was small. Very small. Yet, it had an even tinier en suite bathroom and a nice wide window to look out into deep space. Most importantly though it was her very own space which made it her own home. And she hadn't had many of those.

She tore through the one small black bag that she'd packed and that had been transported to her quarters earlier. She dug through the few belongings she'd brought, promising herself that she would truly unpack later that night, before pulling out the item she really wanted.

Overalls.

She didn't have time to search around for regulation trousers when her first shift was already a disaster. Instead she tugged off her skirt, kept on her red shirt, and pulled on the black overalls, fixing the straps and tugging her thick boots on. They might be heavy, but dammit they would be good for stomping around.

She threw her long blonde hair in a messy bun as she ran back to her station. She skipped the turbolift which seemed dreadfully slow and went down an endless amount of stairs instead.

The _Enterprise_ might be a ship, but so was Mattie Hanson and nobody was going to sink her.

Her hand gripped the handrail as the _Enterprise_ hit turbulence. The ship seemed to be slowing down making her go even faster. She hurtled down the final few steps and ran past Keenser towards the warp core.

"What's going on?" she asked him as he scurried to catch up.

"What's going on?" somebody else asked Scotty.

Scotty held his hands up as he struggled with words. In a way it made her feel better. She wasn't the only one who had difficulty with words at times.

Rixson was beside Scotty as they tried to explain what was going on.

"Scotty," the man waved a hand to stop him. "Laymen's terms."

Scotty took a deep breath. "It's not the warp core, luckily, but Capt'n, it could be the nacelle and that could be jus' as bad."

"What do we have to do?" Captain James T. Kirk.

"We'd best dock," Scotty mused unhappily. What the hell had been the point of weeks worth of diagnostic tests if they hadn't caught this before beginning their mission. "No, point in gettin too far out just ta have dodgy coils."

"We can't go back," there was a dangerous edge to the captain's voice.

"I'm not especially happy either, Capt'n," Scotty defended. He glanced at Rixson as if he was asking for help.

"We can keep the one nacelle in check," Rixson said. "That'd get us there, just half the speed. It all has to do with the wiring, sir."

"How long will this be an issue?" Kirk asked before he looked down in alarm.

Mattie, on her hands and knees, moved the captain's foot off so that she could pop out the mesh flooring. She might have heard a strangled gasp of air coming from Scotty, but she ignored it. Not looking up once and almost as if she was on auto drive she rerouted the wiring, replaced the flooring, and stood up only to walk over to a power grid.

She didn't even realize that around her others were holding their breath as they watched her. She took out a wrench that had been in the back pocket of her overalls and with all her might whacked the grid. People weren't just holding their breaths, they started to shrink back as they looked at Scotty and Kirk who were too stunned to react to the girl.

She walked around the antimatter chamber just to double check that it wasn't the power transfer conduits before she found the mainboard switch that actually controlled the warp drive. She turned it off. Then she turned it back on.

Slowly, but most importantly, steadily the Enterprise's warp speed picked up until they were back at the same pace that they'd been at.

Mattie tucked her wrench back into her pocket and stepped back out and around the round chamber as she realized just how important her audience had been.

The first person that she saw was the doctor with a rough bedside manner. His arms were crossed against his chest, and his facial expression seemed to say, _Are you serious?_

Mattie didn't have time to worry about him though as she caught sight of Scotty. She hadn't even really had a conversation with him before. Was he mad? That could possibly be his angry face.

She cleared her throat and awkwardly pointed back to where the Captain's foot had been.

"Shoddy wiring," she announced.

* * *

Nine months and the _Enterprise_ was almost back to its usual self.

That was, of course, if the ole gal would ever go back to being her usual self. Certainly, the crew after John Harrison would never be the same. But Montgomery Scott and his crew of Engineers had done everything in their power to get the ship looking and operating alright once more.

The Scotsman took a step back in the San Francisco shipyard and craned his neck upward to admire the beauty. He scratched the back of his neck, which was red after months of hard labor and stress before the small sound of crunching footsteps made him suddenly turn around.

"Hiya," he said amiably despite never seeing the woman in front of him before.

"Hi," she replied back. She kept walking until she was just a foot away from him. "Scott, right?"

"Aye," he nodded.

"Hi," she said again. "I'm Rose Cavalier."

Scotty stuck out a hand despite not really knowing what was going on. "Nice to meet ya."

"We've actually already met," she shook his hand.

He raised an eyebrow while simultaneously looking apologetically. "Ah, well I'm sorry to say, lass, that I uh,"

"It's okay," she shook her head with a small smile. "It was very briefly. Uh, right before you lost Admiral Archer's beagle."

Scotty's eyes grew wide and it was almost as if he was nervous suddenly. "Aye, well, you know the beagle really just wanted to do some travelin'. Told me himself."

"I always suspected the dog was just in it for the journey," Rose joked along. She jerked her chin towards the _Enterprise_. "You've got her looking nice again."

"Thank ya," he said proudly before he finally realized that he did know her. "Ah, you're Rose Cavalier! You were on the team tha' originally created her."

She smiled softly. "Yeah, and it's quite nice to see a ship do some good around here."

It was Scotty's turn to smile softly. "Well, what can I do for ya?"

She was quiet for a moment as she stared at the _Enterprise_ before turning to look the Chief Engineer square in the eye. "I want you to hire a Junior Lieutenant, Mattie Hanson."

"Never heard of her," he admitted. "And I think we've pretty much got a full crew now."

Rose didn't seem to give a shit about that. "She's a warp core specialist."

Scotty tilted his head at that. It was reasonable to consider another warp core specialist. "And?"

Once again Rose took her time speaking. "Mr. Scott," she began slowly. "Have you ever met somebody that you don't even understand how they get the world?"

He did. James T. Kirk was the captain of the _Enterprise_ after all.

"I'm asking you to give Mattie a chance," Rose leveled with the Scot. "Recently the program that I was directing ended. Mattie Hanson deserves a good assignment. And I've been on that ship," she motioned to the _Enterprise_. "And if anybody also deserves a good home, then it's Mattie."

"I can appreciate the sentiment," Scotty said. "And the recommendation, but if I'm goin' take on another engineer I need ta be sure tha' they're up for the task."

She nodded. "If you ever want to get the _Enterprise_ up to and over Warp 10," she stated coolly. "Then you'll want Mattie Hanson."

Scotty's first instinct to laugh, but when he saw how serious she was he froze with his mouth open. Before he could say anything else the woman turned and began to walk away. She stopped once though to speak over her shoulder.

"Ambassador Spock is willing to be a reference if that makes any difference."

* * *

"Scotty, who is that?" Kirk asked as the crowd that had watched the girl dissipated. The girl herself had blushed under everybody's eyes and turned on her heels quickly and walked away.

"Uh, that," several funny expressions flashed across his face as he tried to explain. "Is Lieutenant junior grade Mattie Hanson." He paused a beat. "She comes very highly recommended."

* * *

Hi! I do just want to mention that I am in no way an engineer and have very little knowledge of how to actually be one. I have made Mattie's ability almost whimsical, in a way that she doesn't even understand how much of a genius she is. Therefore I apologize if something is blatantly wrong and blame my liberal arts background.

Thank you very much for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: The Disease of Space…Homesickness**

Her quarters were more of just a somewhat large rectangle. Large meaning there was a small patch of flooring that she could potentially sit down to meditate and she was able to walk around her bed which was centered against the wall that was on her immediate right when she entered the space. Opposite her bed was the toilet and shower room, where she would have a limited supply of water and just enough space to brush her teeth while dancing around. Her favorite feature of the room was the rather large window that opened out to the stars.

So not a large room, but it was her room and that was important.

She kept the promise to herself and unpacked the small black bag that she had brought with her. She honestly didn't even know what the regulations were for bringing luggage, but as she didn't have a large amount of personal effects it didn't matter.

She had a few clothes, like her pajamas and a nice cozy jumper that her friend Maggie had knitted for her ages ago. There really was nothing like thick knitwear to cuddle up in.

She had one holo, one of her most prized possessions, that she placed near her window. It was prized not because of what it was, but because of who was in the image. It was a picture of her family. Not her blood family, but the ones who had taken care of her the past few years and many of who she had worked with.

There was Rose, Suzy, and Oscar. Then there was Eddie, the Vulcan and his son Zorec. The only one that was truly missing was Maggie, but she was still living on the same road that Mattie had grown up in England where she was still taking care of all the kids running around without any supervision just as she had done when Mattie was growing up.

Oscar had whittled a piece of wood into a brilliant sailboat. It fit in the palm of her hand and she liked it because he had made it specially for her. She placed it on a shelf beside her bed.

Stepping back she admired her room and the few possession that she'd unpacked. Then she felt an overwhelming sadness settle over her.

Despite her possessions the room felt empty.

There was no Suzy sitting on her bed and talking away about anything and everything. There was no Rose slinking in with a cup of coffee to sit beside Suzy, curling up a knee into her chest as she sipped on her coffee and debated whatever Suzy was talking about. Oscar wouldn't be able to ever swing by her place because she now lived in deep space. Eddie was in New Vulcan raising his son and he couldn't even point out that her homesickness was not based in logic because she was on a space adventure that was supposed to be a great opportunity for her.

Sinking onto the edge of her bed she counted out everybody that she really knew. Suzy, Rose, Oscar, Eddie, Zorec, and Maggie. She looked at the six fingers that she held out. It had felt like a lot of people when she was back on Earth or on New Vulcan. She had hardly ever seen Maggie after she had turned eighteen and gone into Starfleet.

Mattie lowered her hands and wondered if homesickness caused any physical symptoms.

Standing up, Mattie refused to pick up her PADD and search for answers. She couldn't open up that can of worms, not yet at least.

Instead, she left her room behind and headed to the Mess Hall in a desperate attempt to leave behind her sad feelings. She thought it was highly unlikely that she'd be able to get some fish and chips which was funny since she hardly had them back on Earth. Not sure why she was craving the greasy fried food she requested coffee, a move that would have made Rose proud. Because as she would say coffee fixes everything.

Mattie's plan had one fatal flaw. Having to actually face the other people who all seemed to know one another in the cafeteria.

"Hi," Mattie asked shyly.

The nurse from Sickbay looked up from a bowl of noodles. "Hey," he nodded to a chair across from him. "You okay?"

She nodded. "You?"

"Eh," he shrugged and took a bite. "I would be better if M'Benga hadn't hidden all the tricorders and McCoy hadn't felt the need to retaliate by making him take over all the officers who still needed their immunizations. He's been complaining all morning, in an attempt to annoy McCoy. It's been a vicious circle, to say the least."

That was more than Mattie had been expecting. She tucked away the name McCoy and in a way appreciated the fact that she got to find out the end of the tricoder episode that she had witnessed yesterday.

"Sorry," the man apologized for the long winded answer. "I'm Alejandro Giles."

"Mattie Hanson," she introduced herself again.

"You've not been on the _Enterprise_ before, right?"

"This is my first time assigned to a ship."

"Oh yeah," he said in interest as he shoveled more food into his mouth. "You fresh from the Academy?"

She shook her head. "No, I've just been bouncing around on assignments."

He nodded in understanding. "You liking it so far?"

She shrugged her shoulders noncommittally. "It's different."

"Can I ask you something?" She made a face that told him to go on. "What kinda accent do you have?"

She laughed for the first time onboard the ship, though her cheeks flushed slightly. "I'm from Northern England, close to Leeds. I know, it's a pretty thick accent."

"Hey, I can't say anything. My grandma constantly makes fun of my accent, especially when I speak to her in Spanish."

"Did you grow up in America?'

"Illinois," he told her. "Though my dad lives in Michigan so I spent some time there too."

"Have you been on the _Enterprise_ for a long time?"

"I was here before Khan," he said. "I worked in San Francisco while they rebuilt the ship." He finished his bowl of noodles and knocked back some water. "I've got to head out, but I'll be sure to see you around."

"Okay, thanks," she told him as he walked away. Then she felt ridiculous because she was literally thanking him for being nice enough to not ignore her because she was the pathetic newbie.

"Mattie!"

Looking up she saw Carol Marcus, holding a tray of food, smiling at her brightly while Captain Kirk looked on in confusion. They must have been getting food together when Carol had spotted her. Without a second thought, she walked forward to sit at Mattie's table.

Straightening up, Mattie clutched her coffee mug and smiled uneasily as Carol took a seat. The captain sat down as well, but it was clear that he was only doing so because Carol had.

"I looked for you yesterday," Carol said as she organized her food and grabbed a spoon. "I couldn't find you and I didn't want to bother you in your quarters. You've got to have been so tired. Have your shifts been alright?"

Mattie looked nervously at the captain who, with intelligent eyes, watched the exchange.

"It's been okay so far," Mattie answered. "How have you been?"

"Fine," Carol lied. She would feel guilty for a long time and both she and Mattie knew that. "I was hoping though that you would want to spend some time with me in one of the rec rooms tonight or whenever you're free?"

Hadn't she just been complaining about being lonely? Now she was being handed the opportunity to spend time with a friend, but it wasn't with who she really wanted to be with. She wanted her family.

"Sure," she smiled anyways. "I'm free any evening this week."

Carol's smile was bigger and filled with relief. She ate a spoonful of yogurt before somebody caught her eye. She quickly swallowed and put down her spoon. Standing up, she placed a hand on the captain's shoulder but spoke to the table. "Sorry, I'm just going to tell Joyce one thing. I'll be really quick, sorry."

Mattie found herself alone with Captain Kirk, just two days into the five-year mission.

Focusing his blue eyes on her, he sent a charming smile her way. "Junior Lieutenant Hanson, right?"

Gulping she nodded.

"It's was pretty impressive, what you did yesterday."

Right, so he did remember her.

"Thank you," she said it like she wasn't sure if that was the right response.

"How do you and Carol know one another?" It could have been all in her head, but Mattie thought he sounded almost jealous. Wasn't her fault that Carol had made her into a third wheel on their dinner date.

"Oh, Care and I know each other," she didn't know how to respond. "From Starfleet."

Captain Kirk bit back an amused grin. "You guys know one another from Starfleet? What a coincidence, that's also where I know her from."

Mattie bowed her head down in embarrassment. "Yes, what a coincidence." She jumped back slightly when a tray smacked the table.

"What the hell are you eating?" Dr. McCoy inspected the captain's tray of food. "No vegetables?"

"I already ate them, Bones," Kirk lied. The doctor muttered something under his breath but sat down anyway. He glanced at Mattie and then back at Kirk, silently asking him why they were sitting with her. "This is Junior Lieutenant Hanson. She knows Care from Starfleet."

"Care," Dr. McCoy's face scrunched in confusion. "Oh, Carol."

"M'Benga still complaining?" Kirk asked.

"Probably," McCoy grunted before taking a bite of food. While eating he looked up and realized that Mattie was still there. He swallowed his food. "I'm Leonard McCoy. The ships CMO. No infection?"

It took Mattie a minute to realize that he was referring to the wound he had treated yesterday. She was surprised that he remembered. And she was pleased that she didn't have an infection. Though she did have homesickness, which she'd probably need to look into later.

"No," she shook her head. "No infections."

The doctor continued to eat, but there was a smug smirk on his face that said the words _I told you so_. Well, he was certainly infuriating.

"Hi, Dr. McCoy," Carol returned to her seat. "Sorry, I just had to tell Joyce something." She picked her spoon up again before noticing Mattie's cup of coffee. "Does that have a lot of sugar in it? Like the way that Rose takes it."

Mattie's eyes flickered between her mug and Carol. "Yep." She quickly finished the liquid and stood up. "I've got to go, but let me know when you want to hang out."

Carol nodded, her eyes conveying an emotion that Mattie just didn't want to deal with.

"You're not going to give her a hard time about sugar, but you'll limit my calories?" She heard the captain ask McCoy as she left.

Exiting the Mess Hall, a cool breeze swarmed over her as she took a deep breath. She was suddenly tired, despite it being barely 19:00. Running a hand through her long blonde hair, her hand snagged in a tangle.

She didn't want to go back to her tiny room, but she didn't have anywhere to be. She walked around the corridors, going past the lounge and the rec rooms, but never going in anywhere. She'd pass other crewmembers working or groups of friends who were off shift. She got tired of the bright shiny corridors so she went about looking for a shortcut to her room using the Jeffries tubes.

When she came into her room she found the same view that she had left. Space: dark, empty and cold. She fell down onto her bed, tugging her boots off and not bothering to change. She wrapped up in a blanket exhausted only she couldn't fall asleep. She couldn't sleep, but she didn't want to do anything else.

Space was lonely when there wasn't anybody you loved around.

* * *

Her life became consistent. She was on Alpha shift, which normally went to higher officers, but it turned out that Beta shift was more popular in Engineering so to fill the early morning gap she had been assigned. It was a blessing in a way because Lieutenant Brown was one of those that coveted the Beta shift. Apparently, she liked to sleep in and anybody that she liked normally also worked that shift.

Mattie woke up, went to work and came back to cocoon in her bed. Sometimes she didn't feel like eating and she always tried to make sure that her PADD was across the room This was so that when she laid down and felt the weight of limbs at the end of the day, she'd be too tired to grab the PADD and spend time researching symptoms. The behavioral therapy that she had been forced to undergo apparently did work in some ways.

Carol consistently wanted to hang out. Several times a week she would go to meet the other English woman in one of the Rec Rooms or Lounges so that they could speak. Most of the time it was Carol speaking and Mattie listening.

The only other daily habit that seemed to be forming was Giles. True to his word he frequently sought her out. At first, it was in the Mess Hall when sleepily Mattie had been getting breakfast and Giles had ended up in the queue behind her. Almost naturally they'd grabbed a table and began to talk. Now it seemed natural to see him for breakfast and maybe even a couple times a day. He was always nice enough to answer any medical questions she had.

On several occasions she would see Scotty, but most of her interactions were with Rixson who was usually shouting out instructions in her signature brisk manner.

So there was her life. Constantly surrounded by people, but constantly mourning for her old life.

One non-Carol night, she sat up after returning for work and cocooning. It was only 16:10 and she couldn't stand being in her room anymore. Grabbing her PADD she went off to the Mess Hall, already deciding that of all the public spaces onboard, it was an area that felt the most comfortable to her.

So that she wasn't sitting idly at a table she got a cup of coffee. She pulled up her PADD and opened it to the messaging center. Empty.

The background of the Mess Hall faded into a dull buzz as stiffly she opened up a blank message. She would write to Rose first.

 _Dear Rose,_

Except she couldn't figure out what to write so she ended up beginning one to Oscar first. His should be easier to write.

 _Hey Oscar,_

 _The boat you gave me is next to my bed on a shelf in its new home. I often walk around the Enterprise and think of you. It's hard knowing that not many people realize how much you did for this ship. Working in the shipyard you literally welded most of the ship together. You're an unsung hero._

 _Working in Engineering…_

Sucks without you was what she really wanted to say next. Mattie was cut from her thoughts when a figure moved in front of her.

"I don't normally see you around here at this time of day," Giles told her.

"I was trying to write a message," she responded.

"Oh, sorry," he apologized for interrupting.

"No," she shook her head and sighed. "It wasn't a very good message."

She quickly realized that it felt wrong to write any messages that conveyed her unhappiness. Her friends couldn't help her when she was exploring space. It didn't seem fair to place her sadness on their shoulders.

"What did Rixson have you do today?" Giles asked.

"Dilithium batteries," was all she could stand to explain. "All of them. What about you?"

"Oh well," Giles settled in to tell her one of the many entertaining stories that he encountered.

One of the first observations that Mattie had made about Giles was that he saw a lot more of the ship's happenings. Of course, that would be the case as he worked in Sickbay, but because of the CMO's close friendship with the captain and most of the Bridge crew, there was always an added dimension to his stories.

"The Tricorder War of 2260 has still yet to come to an end," Giles reported. "Though it could well be towards the very end, if only because Spock has threatened to get involved. Personally, I'd love to see what Team Spock would bring to the table on this matter. I think he would school both McCoy and M'Benga. McCoy yelled at approximately twelve redshirts and insulted a science officer's mother." He paused when he saw Mattie's face. "Yeah, I know. It was awkward for everybody involved."

"Scotty went down on a mission today." Mattie took a sip of her coffee only to gag because it had gone cold. "Did anybody get hurt?"

"Yeah, about three of the redshirts that McCoy yelled at today. Who were you writing to?"

She glanced down at the PADD which had gone dark. "I'd planned on writing almost everyone back home. I started to with Oscar."

"It gets better," Giles promised. She smiled grimly feeling another prickle of embarrassment for being the only one missing home.

"Thanks," she picked up the PADD. "Maybe you'll get a mention in one of my messages."

"Feel free to name drop me," he replied cheekily before standing up. "I'll catch you later."

"Bye," she waved. Then she tapped the screen of the PADD trying to think of what to say.

* * *

"I'm slightly worried about her," Carol Marcus said over her shoulder.

Jim straightened up from behind her as he grabbed his meal. "What?" he asked in confusion.

Carol's brow was wrinkled as she stood by the food synthesizers and looked out at the sea of tables in the Mess Hall. Her eyes were set on a particular blonde engineer though. Mattie was hunched over in her chair, with one knee tucked into her chest and her head resting on a hand that was propped up on an elbow. One hand mindlessly messed with the PADD that was in front of her.

"What were you saying?" Jim tried to understand.

"Mattie," she explained, not taking her eyes off the girl. Jim himself watched with concern as Carol began to chew her bottom lip. He already knew it to be a nervous habit.

"She looks okay," he assured though it took him a minute to figure out which crewmember she was staring at. "And you promised Uhura that you'd see her at dinner. You don't get to see her much."

Still chewing her lip she nodded and let herself be led to a table that was mainly filled with crew from the Bridge.

"Hey," Uhura said warmly. Spock sat beside her.

"Hi," Carol replied back while Jim wordlessly splayed out on a chair and began to take big bites of the food in front of him.

"Sulu was just telling me about his and Ben's first date," she smiled teasingly in Sulu's direction. When she glanced back she took in Carol's worried face. "Are you okay?"

Carol instantly showed remorse for not listening more to Uhura. "I'm sorry," she said, but she still looked over at Mattie. Uhura turned to follow her line of sight. "It's just I'm a little worried about her. She's not spent so long on a ship before."

"Oh, well do you want to invite her over?" Uhura asked good-naturedly.

"I don't know," Carol admitted. She could only try to force a friendship with Mattie so much. They both knew why they knew one another and it wasn't for the best of reasons.

"How do you even know her?" Jim asked in between bites. He was leaned far back in his chair and wearily looked back at Mattie. He didn't like that the other girl was causing Carol so much stress.

Carol responded with her crafted answer. "We have mutual friends on Earth." It was true after all.

"Hey Chekov," Uhura greeted the navigator.

"Hello," he said cheerfully.

"Hey, Chekov," Carol leaned forward suddenly. "You didn't happen to see if the girl you just passed, what she was doing on her PADD?"

Every single person looked at Carol strangely.

Leaning back in embarrassment she tried to explain herself. "You know like she didn't happen to be looking up diseases?"

"That's not making it any better," Jim told her.

"No, I," she waved her fork around while she struggled.

"You are quite concerned with Hanson's behavior," Spock observed. "The care and attention you show are most curious as the interactions between the two of you are filled with body language that expresses unease around one another."

Carol's mouth hung open. "Thank you, Mr. Spock," she finally offered up.

Uhura looked like she wanted to elbow him and at her expression the Vulcan tried to defend himself.

"I often notice Dr. Marcus and the Ensign conversing in the evenings."

"Bones," Jim practically shouted at the sight of McCoy in an effort to knock out the awkwardness that had settled over the group. "Scotty."

"Capt'n," Scotty greeted happily. He nodded to the group. "Everybody alright this evening?"

"Dr. Marcus is exhibiting unusual behavioral patterns concerning one of your Engineers," Spock said.

"Oh my god, Spock," Uhura brought a hand up to rub her forehead.

"Really, should have let the topic go to another place," Jim mused but Scotty showed interest to know which Engineer Spock was referring to.

"I'm just trying to make sure that Lieutenant junior grade Hanson is settling in alright," Carol properly explained this time. "I understand how hard it is when dealing with new job tasks and being away from home."

Scotty looked over at the table that Mattie was sitting at. She looked a little tired and he didn't think she'd looked up from her PADD in a while, but he couldn't think of anything bad to report.

"Nah," Scotty reassured. "I think the lass is fittin in just fine. I've heard of no problems. Though it very much could 'ave gone the wrong way, what with movin the Capt'n's foot an all just to get to some wiring."

"Wait what?" Sulu somehow hadn't heard that story yet.

"She could have just asked me to move," Jim said.

"Besides," Scotty continued to Carol. "With the Engineering team and friends like you and Spock, she'll be sure to be feelin like she's at home soon enough."

"Mr. Spock?" Carol scrunched her nose.

"Yes, you must be mistaken," Spock corrected. "I've never met Ensign Hanson before."

"But you were a recommendation for her. Ah," Scotty corrected himself as soon as he realized his mistake. "No, you're right sorry. It was your other self, the Ambassador, that Cavalier said would provide one for her, not you. My apologies."

"Spock," Kirk turned his head to look at the First Officer.

"Ambassador Spock," the Vulcan kept his face blank. "Has never spoken of an engineer named Hanson."

"If it'll make you feel any better," Scotty promised. "I'll check in on the lass, on her next shift. See that she's fittin in all right."

"Thanks," Carol said softly.

"An, I kan go back and zee if she iz researching diseases," Chekov also promised.

"What?" McCoy asked sharply.

"Don't ask," Sulu told him under his breath.

"For the record," Carol stood up and began to pile her dirty dishes. "It actually is out of serious concern that I question whether or not she's obsessing over diseases and their symptoms."

She left and didn't look back. Kirk didn't know why it bothered him so much that she was focusing on Mattie so much. He would never admit that it was because he could be a narcissistic bastard that he wanted her to be focusing on him. Tuck that emotion away, he told himself.

"Is anybody going to explain?" McCoy raised an eyebrow.

"Chekov no," Uhura called out as the boy leaped up to try to nonchalantly spy on the other girl.

Sighing Jim stood up and looked at his friend. "Let's go get a drink, Bones."

* * *

She was three months in before a scheduling change put her on Beta rotation. The difference in time didn't change the normal haze of homesickness that continued to cling to her.

Sneezing she almost dropped the wrench in her hand.

"Bless you," a man smiled as he sat down next to her. He joined her in her wiring endeavors as he held some pliers in his mouth so that he could move a piece of the wall. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Okay," she stumbled over the word. They both kept their hands busy as they focused on their task.

"Why the wrench?"

"What?" she replied taken aback.

"Not to sound creepy," he began. "But we're meant to be replacing the wiring, yet every so often I see you pick up your wrench." He leaned in towards her with a faux conspiratorial glint to his eyes as he lowered his voice. "Also I know you have a pocket full of nuts."

Mattie felt her face flush as nervous laughter puffed out of her. "Um," she took one hand out of the siding that she was working on in a remote Jeffries tube. Pulling hair off her face she tried to answer, but he kept talking.

"If I didn't know any better I'd say you were sabotaging the ship."

"No," Mattie's voice was sharp with horror at the accusation.

The man leaned back his eyebrows high. "Sorry, I was just kidding."

Her cheeks flamed even worse. "Right," the nervous laughter appeared again. "Sorry, no, I should have known that. Uh, when I started to work, I noticed that a lot of this back siding looked odd. This area of the ship vibrates a lot because of the nacelle. I've been adding a second locking nut to make sure it's all preloaded right. "

"Huh," the man ducked his head down to look at her work. "Yeah, you're right." He brought his head up to look at the side wall of the Jeffries tube. "I wonder why Scotty hasn't noticed that."

"Oh, Mr. Scott has a lot to do," Mattie scooted closer to her work as she struggled with a wire. "Besides it's not his fault for the vibration."

"It's not," the unnamed man questioned.

Mattie thought before she spoke. "The plasma conduit is cleaned regularly, but not the warp coils. The build up causes more vibrations thus affecting the tension of the material siding in this part of the ship."

The man let out a low whistle impressed. "That's impressive that you noticed that. I wouldn't have thought of that. You should tell Scotty."

Mattie shrugged. She had been planning on seeing if Rixson was in a good mood and letting her know about the issue.

"I'm Milo by the way," the man placed his pliers in his mouth leaving one hand free to shake her hand.

"Mattie," she introduced.

"Are you normally Beta shift?"

"No," she told him. "Alpha."

"That's why I haven't seen you before then. I like to work Gamma."

"Really?"

"Yeah," he admitted. "Always been a night owl, plus I like working with all the other kids."

Milo was young himself, but she guessed he was referring to the fresh cadets that often had to deal with the unpopular shift choice.

"Are you Section B?" she asked.

"Yep," he wiped his brow as he worked. "I've been so for the past couple of years. Is it just me or is Section B being taken over by the Brits."

She shrugged before offering up a small smile.

"There's you, where are you from?" She told him. "Then there's Queen Abigail, Emily, and Louis. Have you meet Louis?" She shook her head. "Shame, he's a funny guy. Swing by Gamma shift and I'll introduce y'all."

"Okay," she agreed easily.

Together they placed the siding back the way it was, hiding the ships wiring and both stood up.

"All in a good day's work," Milo stepped back with his hands on his hips to proudly inspect their work. He looked down at a chronometer on his wrist. "We only have six and a half more hours to go."

They gathered up their tools and headed back to Main Engineering before a red light began to flash.

"That's not good," Milo said before breaking into a run. She quickly followed. "What's happening?" he asked another redshirt.

"Apparently somebody on the Bridge thought it'd be a great idea to get close and personal to some asteroids. They're causing havoc."

"Everybody to their stations," Rixson called out.

"Here we go," Milo said grimly.

It took only twenty minutes to navigate the ship's passage out of the patch of asteroids, but it took the rest of Mattie's shift, all six and a half hours, for the Engineers to contain and minimize the damage.

In one of the Jeffries tubes they sat. Slowly all of them had sunk to the floor, exhausted from the day. Unmoving and quiet Mattie found herself joining in on the experience with her coworkers. Sweat was stuck to her and it was much later than she normally stayed up, but despite being absolutely tired her mind was too wired to properly function. That meant she stayed on the floor next to Milo.

"How much longer do we have on this stupid mission?" The question came from John.

"Enough time to do this a lot more," a female named Nov replied.

They were all too tired to groan.

"You know what we deserve?" Milo stretched his legs. "Ice cream."

"What is it with you and ice cream?" somebody who had known Milo for a long time asked.

"It's the food of Gods," he exclaimed.

"Debatable," John deadpanned.

"Come on," Milo stood up. "We must rally!"

"I can't move though," Nov said sadly. Milo offered her his hand.

"You coming?" Milo asked her.

"No, thanks," she said tiredly. "I'm just going to head to bed soon."

"See you later."

"Bye," she whispered. She closed her eyes and kept her head up against the metal wall.

She knew what it was like to deal with emergencies. She'd dealt with more than her fair share in her short lifetime than should be possible. Running for her life at one point she'd had to stop to save mankind from technology that wouldn't just start war but definitively change what war meant.

Mattie began to chuckle, a kind of laugh that was sad and bitter.

Nobody would ever believe her if she said that. In a way, that was just fine. Let the world never know.

She just never thought she'd go through all of that only to be so lonely on a stupid spaceship.

"Hey," Giles once again cut into her thoughts. He tapped her foot with his and her eyes popped open.

Sniffling and sighing at the same time she didn't even try to respond.

"I thought I'd come check up on you," he took a seat next to her. "You know since it was your first Beta shift and all. Turned out to be kind of a rough day, huh?"

That strange bitter chuckle returned. "Yeah," she rolled her head against the wall so that she could look at him. "A lot of people in Sickbay?"

"A couple of science officers got pretty banged up when we made impact," he said. "The science officers are all pretty pissed at McCoy still because he offended one of their moms the other day."

Mattie snorted. "How do you deal with that man?"

Giles laughed too but then smiled softly. "It's easy to give McCoy a hard time," he admitted. "But he's one of the best doctor's around. Literally and figuratively."

Mattie nodded.

"Hey," Giles said in a kind voice. "You know it's going to be okay."

Mattie rolled her head back and squeezed her eyes shut. "I'm so tired," the words slipped out in anguish.

He wasn't quite sure how to respond, but he tried his best. "It's only been three months. It sucks to only be able to say that it gets better, but it does."

Mattie sniffed in response. She felt his hand squeeze her knee and her shoulders relaxed.

"I don't even like fish and chips." A tear slipped out as she stared up at the ceiling. "And all I do is crave them. And no matter how much coffee I drink it's not the same without Rose here."

Giles was nice to listen to her. To let her open up and just cry a little. He didn't even make her feel ashamed about it.

"What do I do?" she asked for his medical advice.

He smiled sadly at her. "You just go about your day and learn from your experiences."

She wanted to laugh at that. "That's it? That's all I can do?"

"Well," he pretended to think about it. "You could go and get ice cream with your newest best friend."

She did laugh at that. "You buying?" she joked.

"Yeah," he confirmed. He stood up and helped her before offering his elbow. She linked arms with him. "And I can tell you all about the time M'Benga kept moving McCoy's chronometer's backward in time. He thought he had an extra hour to his shift almost every day for a month."

* * *

Thanks for reading! I would love some feedback, as that can help me become a stronger writer!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: What is She Doing to My Ship!? (Making it More Energy Efficient)**

The United Earth Health Association recommended for overall cardiovascular health 150 minutes of moderate intensity exercise.

Admittedly Mattie Hanson had been slacking on her exercise regime since coming aboard the _Enterprise_ , but her heart had made this weird thumping sound and with her new work related stress, she made it her goal to get all 150 minutes of recommended exercise.

Because she was making it a goal not to die on this ship.

So exercise she did. Panting slightly, she ran around in circles in one of the Exercise Rooms that had an indoor track. It was near empty as it was near 05:00 in the morning. A few technical officers had been using the weights but they'd left after completing their sets so Mattie enjoyed the ability to run around without anybody to see how out of breath she was. It really had been a while since she'd done any exercising.

She slowed down and made sure to stretch before she left to shower and have breakfast before her shift.

She didn't know why she did it, maybe because the punching bag was just right there as she headed towards the doors and it was too tempting. Either way, her fist went forward to punch the bag. It was very satisfying until the bag swung back towards her and she fell backwards with an oomph.

"Oh shit," the words tumbled out as she hit the ground. The first thought she had was whether or not she hit her head. She did not want to have a concussion. That could result in death and all because she'd punched the stupid punching bag.

Lying on the floor she heard the doors swish open and Dr. McCoy's face leaned over her.

"Is the Captain in here?" he asked in his normal grumpy manner.

"No," she said from the floor.

"Huh," he grunted before walking away.

"Hang on." She scrambled up and walked behind him through the corridors. The time of day meant the lights were dimmed to 'night' setting and the halls were mostly empty. "I was wondering if I could ask you for some advice."

"Advice?" he said the word like it was noxious.

"Yes," she explained. "The United Earth Health Association recommends 150 minutes of moderate to intense exercise for overall good cardiovascular health. But see I'm wondering what else can be done. I mean right now I'm following a heart-healthy diet." She noticed his eyes slice towards her before speeding up. She walked faster to keep pace with him. "And I think my cholesterol levels are pretty good, but you know from another medical perspective I'd love to know if you have any advice."

She had rambled on as they got into the turbolift and he called out for Sickbay. She stayed silent while watching him.

"What?" he snapped at her after a minute of her staring.

"Advice," she reminded him.

The doors opened and he quickly walked out and she followed much to his annoyance. When he saw that she was making no effort to leave him alone he made some sort of funny face which she was coming to characterize as his moody, 'I dislike you', facial expression. The man really was quite expressive.

"Who's your doctor?" he begrudgingly interacted with her.

"Dr. Smith."

"You should direct your concerns to him."

"Well they're not really concerns," she defended. Okay, her health was always her concern. "I was just asking for some advice."

"I don't know how many times I can say it," M'Benga dramatically sighed as he breezed through the entrance of Sickbay. "But it's never any good to go to Dr. McCoy for love advice."

"M'Benga," the CMO growled. The Assistant Medical Officer smiled cheekily back at him before heading into an office. Dr. McCoy began to shout at him as the door shut. "Do not go in there and use my couch! M'Benga!"

"Dr. McCoy," Mattie tried to get him to focus.

"Your heart is fine," he grumbled.

"I want to be tested for diabetes!" she blurted in response. It had come out a bit louder than she'd expected.

The door opened and M'Benga edged back out of the office. "Dude," he said almost in awe. "I know Giles said you had it bad, but…that's bad."

Mattie's cheeks turned scarlet. She could have sworn that there was a time in her life that she used to never flush in embarrassment, but it seemed like that's all she'd been doing since coming aboard the Enterprise.

"I just," she opened her mouth. Why was the CMO looking at her like that? She had a serious concern.

"What makes you think you have diabetes?" he asked her slowly and in a controlled voice.

She stumbled over her words. The symptoms of diabetes included being thirstier and needing to pee more. That wasn't a problem she was facing. Other symptoms included fatigue, slow-healing cuts and sores and numbness in feet or legs.

She most likely didn't have diabetes, but she _needed_ to be checked anyway.

No, she reprimanded herself. You just _feel_ like you need to be checked for it. The embarrassment began to hurt her.

"Look, Ms. 150-minutes-of-exercise," the doctor crossed his arms over his chest as he spoke down to her. He was much taller than her so he physically had to speak downwards. "As the Chief Medical Officer, it's my job to ensure the health of all crewmembers onboard this ship. While it's…commendable, that you take your health seriously, do you think we have the time of day to play cat and mouse with your health and any perceived symptoms you don't even have?"

His voice had grown hard as he went on with the last question almost making Mattie jump with its ferocity. His gaze was too intense and her skin began to prickle. She was glad Sickbay was mostly empty.

"Sorry," she apologized and took a step back. "I just…I'm sorry."

She took one last glance at the Sickbay. Hospitals had been her safe place. She caught McCoy's angry gaze and felt her stomach tighten. This was not that type of hospital.

She might have mumbled sorry once more under her breath as she quickly turned on her heel and got the hell out of there.

McCoy sighed and looked at his watch. It was only half past 05:00 and he'd already made one, what was she, redshirt cry. It was going to be that type of day. Fucking hell.

"What?" he snapped as saw M'Benga staring at him from his office. Even he knew it was too early to be this cranky in the day.

"That was harsh," M'Benga told him. McCoy avoided his gaze and brushed past him to get to his desk. "You know, I know Giles says that she's a hypochondriac, and I was even starting to doubt him considering she mainly kept out of here, but I guess that confirmed it. You know you could tell she was trying though."

The other doctor mumbled something inaudible under his breath.

"Admit it," M'Benga kept riding him. "Giles has said she's sought treatment for it. Possibly it works most of the time, but her anxiety may always be there if it's as bad as he says."

"What the hell do you want me to say?" McCoy threw his PADD's stylus down. "Sorry?"

"Oh no, if you ever said sorry I'd assume it was you that needed the medical attention." M'Benga made to leave the office before turning back. "You know there are theories about why hypochondriacs struggle to get medical help. It has to do with the idea that doctors don't like treating them because many doctors themselves deal with similar tendencies. Hypochondriacs are living embodiments of their fears."

McCoy didn't look up from his PADD. M'Benga took it as an admission of guilt.

"I don't suppose you know of any doctors around here that show signs of paranoia when it comes to illnesses contracted in space?"

"Get out."

"Just sayin," M'Benga slipped away.

* * *

"You're early," Rixson said as she took in Mattie's appearance. She was wearing coveralls, non-regulation, but Rixson (while she'd never admit it) liked the work that Mattie did so she was willing to overlook it. The girl's blonde hair was wet and her eyes appeared a bit glassy. "You alright?"

She shook her head up and down in a manner that made the Assistant Chief narrow her eyes.

"We've got a lot of wiring work today," she tapped at her PADD. "And we're going to get to the warp coils soon. Lord knows they're corroding at a much faster pace than normal."

"Okay."

Her short answer made Rixson give her a once over again.

"Seriously, what's going on with you?"

Mattie thought for a moment. "I'm always afraid that I'm sick or going to get sick."

"You want to tell me something I don't know?" At Mattie's surprised face Rixson explained. "You're lucky you haven't gotten reported on for spending time on your PADD, looking up diseases. Yes, I've noticed."

"I'm sorry," the girl's face crushed. It made Rixson start to feel a bit guilty since she knew about a pool that was going on among the other engineers betting on whether or not Mattie would ever admit that she was a hypo. Well, they had their answer now.

"Look, just focus on your work," she went easy on her. "Maybe doing that will help you not focus on your medical state."

Mattie's brow scrunched up. Throwing herself into her work had helped in the past. She could do that. She could definitely do that especially with the amount of work that this ship needed.

Five hours later she was furiously working and hadn't stopped for a break once.

"Is she alright?" John asked Rixson.

The woman sighed. "Tell everybody the pool is off."

"What why?" he asked.

"Cause she admitted that she's a hypochondriac."

"Dammit," John said under his breath. Then he called over his shoulder, "Hey, everyone she really is a hypo."

Rixson slapped the back of his head.

"I'm just informing people!" His shoulders sagged. "I lost a lot of credits."

Rixson let her shoulders also sag for a moment. "If it makes you feel any better, so did I."

* * *

Twelve hours later Rixson was ready to beat whoever was banging on her door.

"I swear to God if you don't have a good reason," she growled as her door slid open. She was surprised to see Milo and Nov standing outside her doorway. "What the hell do you want?"

The ship wasn't under attack but the solemn and deeply concerned expression that Milo had on his face made sirens go off in her head.

"You should come down to Engineering," he said.

She glanced at Nov. The female had the same look of concern on her face as she nodded once.

Grumbling so her own fear didn't begin to show she grabbed a robe, because yes Lieutenant Kyla Rixson did indeed own and use a robe, and stuffed her pajama-clad legs into her thick work boots and followed the other engineers.

Milo tried to explain. "She's been going for hours."

"It's not bad," Nov cut in.

"But it might not be," Milo hesitated. "Well, none of it's been approved which is my worry."

"What the hell hasn't been approved?" Rixson asked right as they stopped. Why the hell was there no flooring? "Who the hell is getting into the wiring?"

Mattie popped up. She had on a big pair of goggles as she wiggled her way out and up off the floor. She had a blow torch in one hand and a wrench in the other.

"What the fuck."

Several Engineers who knew and understood the implications of Rixson's voice began to step away in an attempt to find a safe zone of impact.

Mattie lifted her goggles. "Hi."

"The fuck are you doing?"

"I sent you a message." Her hair got caught in the strap of the goggles. "I took your advice to throw myself into work. I created a twelve-step program to produce a more energy efficient starship."

"Twelve-step program," Rixson nearly shouted. She was normally one for a much more subdued angry tone of voice. "Why the hell would you think to start implementing a twelve-step program without prior approval."

Mattie took a step back at Rixson's voice. "But I…I've often done other tasks that don't need express approval that have benefitted the ship."

Rixson looked at Milo for an explanation.

He was clearly worried, with his arms crossed over his chest as if he was trying to hide himself. His voice was quiet. "She often does other tasks that could be considered going above and beyond…just never to this level."

Nov moved closer to him. "Maybe we should call Nurse Giles. He's always good at talking to her."

He nodded and Nov left to go get the off-duty nurse as John returned back to Engineering. He was in his pajamas, the Alpha shift over ages ago, but he was never one to miss a party.

"What's going on?" He messed a hand through his already messy hair. "Rixson looks like she's about to explode."

Rixson had been handed a PADD and was looking at the message that Mattie had sent that detailed the twelve-step program.

"What, what is this?" She did in fact explode. "This isn't a twelve-step program. It's a fucking Doctorate thesis! None of this has ever been substantially tested. You can't implement a twelve-step program if you can't even perform the first step!"

The deck went silent.

"She's on step ten," somebody whispered.

Rixson's face dropped back to the PADD.

"If it makes you feel any better," Milo also whispered. "It really is a very good plan for better energy efficiency."

* * *

"Was that a joke?" Uhura wrinkled her nose in disdain.

"That was a joke," Jim Kirk confirmed.

"You are such a pig," Uhura threw down her cards. The captain smirked at his easy winnings.

"Now, hey now, the Capt'n," Scotty tried to defend him.

"No, don't even," Uhura wouldn't let him. She stood up and moved to sit next to Spock on the couch.

It was late, much too late, but the Bridge crew (plus Scotty) was spending some much needed downtime. There might have been a bottle of brandy and there might have been several rounds of poker already, but there were no signs of them slowing down. It was just the type of night where they wanted to spend time together while not in a life or death situation.

"Bones," Jim yelled behind him. "You doing alright."

"You idiots," Bones's voice was muffled as he was holding a pillow up against his face. "Need to shut up."

"Pour him some more brandy would you, Sulu," Kirk ordered.

"Yes, Captain," the helmsman was more than happy to comply.

"I don't need more brandy," the doctor took the pillow off his face but kept the back of his head against the couch. "I need some sleep. We all need some sleep."

"Then either go to bed Bones." Jim kept his face blank as he looked at his cards. "Or admit that you want to stick around because you love us."

Bones smashed the pillow up against his face again and yelled some obscenities.

"He loves us," the captain mouthed to Sulu who smirked. Uhura tugged at the edge of the pillow as the door opened. "Hey, do my eyes deceive me or is Lieutenant Rixson actually joining us?"

"Sod off," she scoffed. She came to stand beside where Scotty was sitting and placed one hand on her hip.

"It iz very nice of you to drezz up for uz," Chekov teased.

"Nice pajamas, Rixson," Scotty complimented. "What brings you to this part of the ship."

"We have a problem," Rixson smashed down a PADD in front of Scotty. Poker chips went flying and Dr. McCoy actually lowered the pillow off his face so he could see what was going on.

"What's this?" Scotty's curious tone spoke for all of them.

"It's a twelve-step program," Rixson's gritted her voice. "That Lieutenant junior grade Hanson has come up with for a more energy efficient starship."

Scotty shook his head laughing lightly as he read. "It's very good," he said with amusement. "But even I couldn't get past step five."

Rixson sighed, "She's on step ten."

"What's she doing to my ship!"

Bones could have sworn that they were facing a Klingon attack the Scotsman ran out of the room so fast. Ever dutiful, Rixson was right behind him and at their frantic reactions, the rest of the Bridge crew couldn't have even considered doing anything other than following them.

They weren't as fast as Scotty and Rixson but when they all managed to get to the right place they all stopped and carefully looked around. Even Uhura's mouth had dropped open. There was a ripple of movement as the medium sized group of Engineers that had already assembled realized that the Captain and First Officer had arrived.

"Shit," he heard a woman say. Kirk thought her name might have been Nim or Niv. She looked up at another man. "She's really going to get in trouble."

The way the woman said it made it sound like she didn't want her fellow engineer to get in trouble and he wondered at her already fierce loyalty to Hanson. Kirk scanned the crowd. It was a mixture of on duty and off-duty engineers, creating a mix of uniforms and pajamas. Their faces, while concerned, showed signs of wonderment at Mattie Hanson's work. Now if only he understood what she was doing.

Mattie stood with a wrench in her hand as Scotty waved his hands around while shouting. Rixson had her head in one of her hands as she looked on with apprehension.

"If I just," Mattie began to say. "Finish hooking up this new wiring to the conductor. Look I can do it now."

She jumped back down into the floorboards to get to some technical bit of the ship. Her hands began to frantically work. Scotty looked to Jim for help, who moved forward to address the situation.

"Junior Lieutenant Hanson," he made sure his voice was loud and clear, though calm. It made her slowly look up. "Would you please get out of there."

She climbed back up and stood before him.

Aware of the large group surrounding them he spoke. "Did you receive prior approval for this…"

"Twelve-step energy efficient program," a man whispered.

"Before beginning?" he finished. She didn't look up as she shook her head. "And you are working on this outside your scheduled shift?"

She confirmed that she was. While keeping his eyes on her he felt Scotty begin to inspect her work.

"I'm recommending then, that you report to your quarters until we can discuss this at a reasonable hour."

If there was ever a deer caught in headlights there she was. Shuffling her shoes slightly her eyes looked wide and tired, but they were also filled with confusion and sadness. Nurse Giles stepped next to her and tried to lead her away.

"I'm sorry," she stuttered as she turned to walk away. Just as suddenly though she ripped back towards the group and the Captain. "Actually I'm not sorry."

Everybody sucked in a deep breath as she faced the Captain. Even he looked bewildered at her sudden reaction.

"Do you know how un-energy efficient this ship is?" she asked with incredulity. She was loud, especially with her thick northern accent, but raw and honest at the same time. "You are losing so much energy just from,-."

"Junior Lieutenant Hanson," Kirk used his ultimate 'captain' voice. "I advise you to,-"

It was like she didn't even hear him or maybe didn't care. "Just from the food replicators we're losing valuable energy that could be used for literally anything else. If we were to just boost the power conduits and the power grids we could be picking this stuff up and,-"

"Junior Lieutenant," he warned again. Spock had moved to stand beside him.

"All I have left to do is work on the,-"

"You will not be working on anything else," Captain Kirk's voice was so firm that it finally made her stop talking. Everybody waited in tension. "I understand Hanson that this is your first deep space assignment, but around here we do not begin twelve-step programs without the correct approval needed. Your lack of experience does not make you immune from disciplinary action."

The crowd was silent.

"Come on," Giles gently whispered in her ear, trying to direct her out of the crowd.

It all came crashing to her. How many protocols she'd broken or messed up because she'd never been on a ship before. She wavered as she thought about how disappointed Rose was going to be when she got kicked off the _Enterprise_. She needed to defend herself and her actions or Rose really would be disappointed with her.

Giles' voice was in the background, but all she did was stare at the Captain's blue eyes. For the record, his eyes never left hers as they silently battled. She needed to say something.

For the first time she accurately felt the number of eyes that were on her. She hadn't even ever been on the Bridge, but somehow they were all there. And that stupid Dr. McCoy.

"I don't have any experience being on a ship, but I have experience building them."

Was it her imagination or had the crowd reacted to her soft-spoken declaration? Her eyes darted to Scotty, and she just knew how disappointed he was. She had to keep going.

"And, Captain, your ship is not energy efficient."

Kirk's eyes remained hard.

"I can list a dozen reasons why that is and how to fix them, but you won't ever care about that."

Everybody waited for the Captain's response. He knew he was being appraised just as she was.

He cleared his throat. He could play her game. "Then what do I care about?"

"Making sure your crew stays alive."

Scotty stopped inspecting her work and Rixson even looked confused at her statement.

She went on. "You're afraid of the warp drives coming under fire, but all an enemy ship would have to do is make one precise hit at the rear of this ship.

"All of a sudden you would realize how important it is for energy to travel from the antimatter chamber to the warp nacelles. The electrical energy supply would take a hit because nearly half the energy we use on this ship on a daily basis is lost, all because there is no efficient way for it to bleed off and make it to the electro-plasma system. I've been taking daily readings of our backup EPS system. In a no-win situation, we would have a life support power flow for less than twenty-four hours at the rate our energy is bled off, _if_ the enemy ship were to not send another blast our way."

The crew looked first at Scotty, the horror on his face evident. Scotty was a damn good engineer, but nobody could say he was necessarily great at tactical scenarios. Then the crowds attention moved back at the Captain. He knew this needed to end.

"I don't believe in no-win situations." It was such a characteristically Jim Kirk response, but her face remained grim.

"Tell that to the crew of the _Venture_ , who died in deep space after they took a similar hit from some Romulans two days ago."

Nov scooted closer to Milo. Around them, others shuffled. Kirk finally admitted he didn't know what else to say so it was Mr. Spock who stepped in.

"We will see to the matter of the ships energy efficiency in the morning." He turned to Rixson and she seemed to understand what he was telling her.

"Right," she cleared her throat. "If you're not on Gamma shift, go the hell away!"

The crowd dispersed, some moving slower than others, the entire deck murmuring about the desperate event.

"I'm sorry Mr. Scott," was the only thing Mattie could offer. She couldn't even look him in the face. She blinked back tears as she fled the scene.

All she'd wanted to do was not have the idea of diabetes consume her, but instead she'd let her engineering ideas overwhelm her. She suddenly knew that her time on the _Enterprise_ , and quite possibly Starfleet, was over.

* * *

"No," Rixson dropped her head back to her PADD. Then she sighed," Have you slept at all?"

Mattie shrugged. "I was just trying to help."

Rixson tried to remain calm. "Look I honestly don't know what's going to happen. You haven't been taken off shift, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was just an oversight that nobody put an alert on your status."

Mattie didn't say anything.

She sighed again, "Milo's not usually here in the morning's but he's up in the Jeffries tube with John and Keenser." Mattie started to go. "Don't…" the blonde paused. "Do anything stupid today. Follow Milo's lead."

She nodded her head and Rixson wondered when the hell the next shore leave was. Also since when had she had any kind of soft spot for one of her engineers?

* * *

He kept sighing.

Right on schedule, he sighed again making McCoy look up from the several PADDs that were spread out across his desk.

"Don't you have somewhere else to be?"

Jim sighed again. "What do I do Bones?"

Leonard, the doctor grimly thought to himself. _My name is Leonard McCoy, not Bones_. Scratching his forehead and dropping the stylus that had been in his hand he leaned back into his chair. There was no point in pretending to go through the mountain of paperwork he had to do. Not with the kid sulking around like he was.

"What the hell do you want me to tell you?" he grunted. "You're gonna have to talk to Scotty on this one."

"I'm going to," the Captain promised. "But there was an emergency with the transporter that he's been having to deal with all morning."

"And the green hobgoblin?"

"Is looking into her file and previous work."

"Well then all you can do is wait till you have all the facts in front of you," McCoy said as he ran a hand through his hair. Absentmindedly he grabbed at a PADD. "Do you want to talk about what's really upsetting you?"

"And what would that be?" Kirk said each word dryly.

McCoy performed his famous eyebrow-raising move. "You're pissed off because you're scared that you're going to lose your crew."

Kirk looked everywhere around the room but at his friend.

McCoy was glad to know he was right on the mark. "We lost a lot of crewmembers because of Khan." He didn't say that they'd almost lost him too. "And Engineering took the hardest hit. What she said last night scared you. It's fine to admit that. Might even make you a better captain, then this whole invincible, I don't believe in no-win situations crap."

Jim remained glum so McCoy did what he usually did when his friend was in this type of mood and ignored him. He went back to his paperwork right as Jim asked him a question.

"What do you think of her?"

"Huh?"

"Hanson," Jim prompted. "What do you think of her?"

"I think she's short, blonde and a pain in the ass."

When he realized Jim hadn't responded he looked up from a PADD. The Captain had a funny looking face on.

"What?" he shrugged.

A smirk might have slowly begun to grow. "Say that again."

McCoy straightened in his chair, beginning to get defensive. "Stop looking at me like that."

There was definitely a full on smirk on Jim's face now. "You know Bones, it's been a while since,-."

M'Benga's opened the door and popped his head in. "There's been a fire in one of the access tunnels. Hanson needs emergency surgery."

* * *

It ended up being one of those times where McCoy and M'Benga worked side by side without giving each other the crap they normally did.

There had been a fire in one of the Jeffries tubes because the warp coils hadn't properly been cleaned. Scotty was furious and Rixson looked like she needed not just one, but several drinks. The difference from the night before and this one was that neither were upset at Mattie Hanson. In fact, she had kinda saved the day.

"What is this?" McCoy was in no mood to come into his office and see the large amount of people congregated there. At least they had been polite enough to not be in his chair. Instead, Kirk and Scotty were both seated in the two chairs at the front of the desk with Spock and Rixson standing. All looked tired, all looked ready for shore leave, and all looked like they could use a drink.

McCoy pulled out a bottle of Saurian Brandy from out of a desk drawer.

"Is the lass alrigh?" Scotty asked.

The CMO took a big swallow of the alcohol before sitting down and nodding. "She's an idiot and she'll be out of commission for several days but she'll be okay."

Relief came rolling off of the Scot as he sagged back in his chair. "I'm sorry Capt'n," he apologized once again, anger still evident in his voice. "I just, I can't believe it. There's no excuse for ta warp coils ta have built up like that."

"The blame doesn't rest on you," Rixson sighed. "Hanson told me about it two days ago."

"Didn't mean she had to be an idiot," McCoy said darkly.

"Running back and making sure that every single crewmember was out of harm's way wasn't her being an idiot," Rixson said back with just as dark a tone.

"It makes her a damn good engineer," Scotty finished for her. His remark made everyone look at him in surprise. Scratching his head, he looked slightly embarrassed. "I went back and looked at her work, this twelve-step program. An, well… it's rather good."

"Can it be implemented?" Kirk asked.

"Aye," Scotty said like he couldn't believe it either. "Granted, only after I had to look up a few of tae techniques an theories she was using. She's bright, the lass is."

"Her intelligence is clear," Spock spoke up. "Captain, I was tasked to assess her work ethic. To do so I looked at her file."

"Your thoughts?"

Spoke titled his head as he began his carefully thought out words. "Lieutenant junior grade Hanson is remarkably talented. As she said last night, while she lacks experience serving on ships, she does have an incredible history of building them. The past years she has been working on a special engineering team that worked on prototypes and implementing new technology.

"From the information provided, it appears that this team was small in nature and Lieutenant junior grade Hanson was tasked with supervising herself the majority of the time. I believe it was the nature of her previous work environment, the large amounts of freedom to perform any duties she thought necessary at her own discretion, that is now making it difficult to understand the type of chain of command a large ship such as the _Enterprise_ employs."

Jim was quiet as he deliberated. McCoy finally let out a sigh himself.

"You want my two cents?" he asked his friend. Jim nodded. "She'll learn." The Captain nodded again for him to go on. "She's absolutely bat shit crazy. No, Spock, I get to call a hypochondriac that annoys the hell out of me anything I want. She'll learn though because she's not stupid. And you know how I know that?"

"Enlighten me Bones."

"Cause she's alive after getting five others out of immediate danger and then performing further evacuation protocols while her skin nearly burned off. And if that's not who you want on your ship, then I don't know who you're looking for."

Everyone in the office waited for Jim's response.

"Alright," he agreed. "What you say is true, Bones. She's not a bad cookie, but I'm going to let Scotty make the ultimate decision. She's your engineer after all."

Scotty appreciated that the Captain let him have his input. He didn't hesitate a second though. "Aye, I'll still have her." He turned to Rixson. "But make sure she's always on the schedule when I am."

Rixson nodded her understanding as she sat on the corner of the desk. McCoy refrained from wanting to shove her off it. "You might have to fight to spend time with her. I've already had several people call in favors so that they end up on her shift."

"Seriously?" Kirk's brow wrinkled as he thought about the engineer that had looked like she wanted to protect Hanson last night. Three months and Hanson had already attracted loyalty.

Rixson confirmed it. "Nov and John," she said though only Scotty knew who she referred to. "And Milo's been on this ship longer than I have, but he's already swung his weight behind her."

"Man knows how to survive," Scotty grinned like it was a good joke. Then he brought his glass of brandy to his lips. "Ah, looks like my team is all gettin along."

"And looks like you're all gettin out of my office," McCoy gruffed.

They all began to file out but Jim hesitated at the door.

"Hey Bones," he turned around and McCoy grunted for him to continue. "You don't hand out compliments easily."

The doctor shrugged. "I didn't hand any out. Just stated the obvious."

Jim thought about that for a moment, but in the end never said anything else on the matter. "Night, Bones."

"Night," he said back. With all of them gone, the Sickbay was eerily quiet. His legs stood up on their own accord as he walked to the open door. Leaning against the doorway he looked out at the dimly lit Sickbay. This was his domain.

She stirred in her bed and he had no choice but to go see if she was okay.

She had woken up briefly after her surgery and they'd been able to speak to her and her response time had generally been positive. This time she might be able to take in more though. He sat down on a stool by her bed.

She mumbled a few incoherent words and then her eyes flicked open. "No," she scrunched up her face and tried to roll away.

"You always that nice to the people that save you?" he snapped. He felt bad as soon as he said it. She had to still be in a lot of pain.

"Fuck off," she snapped back and he was taken aback at how fierce she sounded after just going through surgery. She was a fighter. "What time is it?"

"Late," he told her. "May as well get used to spending time here. You're going to be here for a while."

"No," she scrunched up her nose in disgust and he tried to pretend like it didn't bother him that she was refusing his Sickbay. "I don't like this hospital."

"What are you talking about?" he argued. "We literally just fixed you."

She remained silent and he could tell how tired she still was. He thought she fell asleep. Instead of getting right up though he sat on his stool. He'd been really shitty to her and that's probably why she'd gone all berserk with this energy proficient shit. Rubbing his forehead he scooted the stool away to leave.

"Dr. McCoy," her voice stopped him. "You make me want to not be a hypochondriac."

He sank back down.

"Because I don't like you or your stupid Sickbay," she groaned as she opened her eyes back up.

He wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel after her declaration. This Sickbay had just saved her damn life and now she was ragging on it. He ran through her statement again and wanted to roll his eyes. He was a grown professional, he didn't need her approval.

 _Yeah, but you already feel like you failed her._ He blocked out the stray thought.

"Just sit there and don't do anything stupid," he eventually stood up. "And maybe I'll let you out by the time we get to New Vulcan."

"New Vulcan." Her voice made him stop again. "We're going to New Vulcan?"

"Yeah," he answered. "So get some rest and you might actually get to enjoy shore leave."

"New Vulcan," she whispered to herself. He heard her as he paused by his office door. "I'm going to get to see my family."

* * *

*This is one of my favorite chapters, so I hope I pulled it off. Please let me know how I did!


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four: One Night on New Vulcan**

"Are you sure you're okay?" Carol asked for the third time in fifteen minutes.

"Yep," Mattie replied for the third time in fifteen minutes.

"Your body's still going to be healing for a long time," she insisted.

It finally made Mattie turn away from the bag that was on her bed. She wanted to roll her eyes. "Are you conspiring with Dr. McCoy?"

Carol's face was suspiciously blank. "No."

Mattie returned to her bag. "McCoy," she said the name with a slight distaste. "Actually allowed me to leave."

Carol remained quiet and it made Mattie turn back to face her. Sitting down on the edge of her bed she lifted her knees to her chest. "I'm fine, Care."

Her face still showed sign of distress. Or guilt. Mattie suspected that Dr. Marcus wasn't going to lose that feeling anytime soon.

"And," Mattie said brightly to lighten the mood. "I've not looked up any burn survivor forums on my PADD. I've kept myself in line."

That pulled a tiny grin to Carol's face. "You've decided to leave your PADD behind while you're on leave, haven't you?"

"Mentioning leave," she stood up and finished zipping her bag. "Shouldn't we be leaving?"

Carol stood up too. "They'll transport that for you."

"I know," she said. "The convenience of Starfleet."

In an uncharacteristic move, she linked her elbow with Carol's. The fellow blonde smiled softly at her. They were about to leave the room when she paused.

"Thank you," she said. Mattie's brow wrinkled. "For putting up with me, the past few months. I…I know it's not been easy."

"It's not been easy for anyone," she reminded Carol. If there was anything she had learned during her short time on the _Enterprise_ , it was that the grief from Khan still lingered heavily.

"How do you deal with it?" Carol's voice was just sharp enough to convey the pain. "I mean. Everyone is so nice to me around here. Jim and Dr. McCoy, even Spock. They say nobody blames me, even though I blame myself."

"There's no point in doing that," she advised.

Carol shook the warning away. "How do you deal with it though?"

"What do you mean?"

"You carry the pain all alone," Carol told Mattie. She wasn't sure how to respond to that, but it was no matter as Dr. Marcus kept going. "How do you carry the secrets and the pain and stay sane."

Mattie blinked. "I'm not sane," she said solemnly. She opened her door. "But then again on this ship, nobody's sane."

She pulled Carol along with her as the small joke rolled over them. The mood onboard was infectious. Shore leave wasn't just in the air, it was there. Heading to the shuttle bay, they weaved along the throngs of others that were departing for New Vulcan. It was just for one night, but it was more than welcome and with the large amounts coming it was easier to get there via shuttle than transporting.

"The Captain's looking at you," Mattie informed her while keeping her head straight ahead. "He's probably mad at me."

"Why would he be mad at you?" she said in shock.

"Cause he always is when I'm with you," she replied before thinking of something else. "Or maybe he's mad at you."

"Why me?"

"Because you're not with him," she sang sweetly. And perhaps a little annoyingly. She nudged Carol with her shoulder. "Go."

"What, no."

Mattie watched Dr. McCoy and Lieutenant Uhura approach Jim. They would all be leaving together on the same shuttle.

"Go with them," she said again. "He likes you, you know."

Carol's cheeks turned pink and Mattie was glad to know that it didn't just happen to her.

"No, Captain Kirk," she began.

"Save it," Mattie grinned widely. "They're your friends, go join them."

Her face softened. "Mattie, you're my friend too."

"Yeah," she shrugged. "But you and I both know that it's for very different reasons and circumstances. So go with them, because that's your friend-family and they want to spend time with you."

Carol's eyes grew misty and Mattie hadn't meant to make her sad. "Are you sure?" she asked again.

"Of course."

Carol nudged their shoulders together again and they both grinned before she walked over to the Captain.

"Morning, Dr. Marcus," he said just as politely as he would to any other crewmember on his ship. Except he could feel Uhura's intense stare on his back and he knew that son of a bitch Bones was looking for all the ammunition he could find. Some kinda friends he had.

"Morning Captain Kirk," she replied back easily. She addressed the wider group. "Everybody ready from some leave?"

"God, yes," Uhura sighed gratefully. "Let's get this show on the road," she entered a shuttle and McCoy followed.

"Are you going to have time to rest Captain Kirk," she asked. "Or will you have any functions?"

"I'll be meeting with an Ambassador," he said. "It's pretty informal though. Will you be joining us later for dinner?"

"Yes," she moved forward to enter the shuttle. They sat down next to one another. "Uhura invited me last night."

"I'm glad you're joining us." His face was blank as he said it and Carol thought back to Mattie's teasing. There was nothing there. None. Dammit, why did his face have to be so blank? That gave her nothing to go on at all!

* * *

"This is exciting," Giles said from beside Mattie. They were in the same shuttle as Milo and Nov.

"Have you never been to New Vulcan?" she asked.

"Nope," he shook his head. "And we never get such fancy leave. Normally just starbases. This is gonna be a treat."

Milo nodded from across the aisle. "True. I can finally tell my mom I've actually been somewhere cool."

"Have you been to New Vulcan?" Nov inquired.

"Yeah." That interested them. "Just for work. They have pretty nice hangers."

"Nice hangers," Giles scoffed. "Such an engineering thing to say."

She stuck out her tongue at him as bursts of laughs filled the shuttle. Excitement ran throughout the carrier. It wasn't long until they landed and then shore leave really was upon them.

"First things first," Nov began to list off every single thing she planned to do. It didn't take long for Milo to get involved. Giles and Mattie had no interest in the argument but watched the interaction as they walked through the hanger and to the accommodations they had been assigned.

"Ms. Hanson."

Mattie spun around at her name trying to find who had called out to her. Alarmingly all she saw was the Bridge crew and senior officers. Then the group moved until Ambassador Spock was directly in front of her.

"Ambassador Spock," she curtsied. Why the hell had she done that?

A smile appeared on his face, the kind that only an elder gentlemen who stopped to admire all aspects of the universe would have, and his eyes twinkled at her. Nov and Milo stopped arguing.

"I've told you in the past, curtsying, while appreciated, is not needed," he teased her.

"Sorry," her face went red. "I mean, I knew that. It's just…what are you gonna do when you see a Vulcan from an alternate timeline?"

Amusement remained on his face as he took a step closer. "It was pleasing to hear of your transfer to the _Enterprise_."

"It's a beautiful ship," she bowed her head.

"And in good hands," he spoke kindly. "I would advise you to look in Hanger 2."

"Hanger 2?" she questioned as he turned back to the senior officers.

"Hanger 2," he said again with the same twinkle in his eyes.

She burst into a run, knowing exactly where to go, leaving the others behind in confusion.

McCoy leaned over to Spock. "Did you know that she could speak Vulcan?"

"No," he said. "Though her language skills are proficient."

"So, you gonna tell me what they said?"

"She questioned your medical ability."

"Is that you trying to joke?"

"As you don't have a grasp of the Vulcan language." Spock began to walk away. "You may never know."

* * *

"On a scale of one to ten how excited were you to see me?" Suzy asked. They were both in Hanger 2 lying on their backs between two shuttles that were out of commission.

Mattie wiggled her head against the ground as she thought of a teasing response. "I'd like to say that your appearance was a pleasant surprise," she giggled. "But the truth is it's been pretty miserable without you and Rose."

Suzy grew quiet. "Yeah," she admitted to as she stared at the high ceiling. "It's been a lot rougher than I thought it would be. Not working on a team together, seeing everyone all the time."

They laid there together, if anybody saw them they'd think it was weird, just laying in-between some faulty shuttles. To Suzy and Mattie it was natural, hanging out in a New Vulcan hanger, the silence between them easy. There was a reason they were not just past coworkers, but best friends.

"What's it like?" Mattie asked. "Being an ambassador."

"It's…," Suzy took her time formulating a reply. "Different than what I thought it would be like."

"I can get that," Mattie agreed quietly. "Rose only ever had good stories about her time in deep space."

"Oh yeah I'm sure Rose loved being without a shoe store around," Suzy snorted.

Mattie laughed along with her. "I know," Mattie's head rolled. "But she always made it out to be so great on such a big team. The challenges you face everyday."

"We faced challenges everyday," Suzy whispered. Mattie knew what she was talking about.

"How is Rose?"

"Most day's I think she's okay."

"Most day's I think like that too."

Suzy nodded her agreement.

* * *

"Would you stop messing with that damn thing," Leonard said as he drank whatever was in his glass. He didn't know what kinda alcohol Vulcan's served, so he hoped for the best and continued to drink.

"My shirt doesn't fit," Jim complained.

"Yes it does," Leonard quipped back. "You're just nervous."

"Nervous," he laughed. "What—why? I'm not nervous. I meet with ambassadors all the time. Part of the job description."

"Carol's headed this way."

"The damn neck to this shirt!" Jim tugged at the crewneck while Bones smirked into his glass.

"Captain Kirk, Dr. McCoy," Carol greeted them pleasantly. "I saw Uhura and Mr. Spock headed this way as well."

"Sulu and the kid," and by kid the CMO meant Chekov. "Are around here somewhere."

"How has your day been?" Jim fidgeted with his shirt making Carol tilt her head at him strangely.

"It's been rather nice," she laughed. "It's sad that it will be ending so soon."

"You've got that right." McCoy grabbed another drink. They were at some fancy social thing that made Bones itch to lock himself in his room, rather than make polite small talk with Vulcans and other Federation higher-ups.

"Have you been introduced to the ambassador you were expecting to meet?" Carol questioned Jim.

"Uh no, not yet," he looked over the crowd that was milling around. "The Spocks were supposed to introduce us."

"I didn't realize Mr. Spock had met the ambassador."

"He hasn't," Jim admitted. "He's just always so good at figuring out who we're supposed to be meeting with."

Carol smiled wryly. She caught herself observing the Captain's blue eyes only to suddenly cut away, flustered by her actions. Her focus was then brought somewhere else.

"Is she alright?" Carol asked Suzy, who had suddenly joined them.

Suzy followed Carol's gaze. Mattie was marching through the room, Ehdock, also lovingly known as Eddie, behind her trying to speak to her. The engineer's face was stonily blank conveying her anger while the Vulcan desperately trailed behind her.

"Eh," Suzy grabbed a drink and knocked it back. When she saw that Carol's concern lingered she addressed the issue. "She's mad because Rose and Eddie….well, he's refusing to let that go anywhere, so she's mad."

Spock and Uhura joined the group as Suzy kept explaining.

"It'll be fine though," Suzy waved the matter away.

"Are you sure?" Carol asked watching the pair move through the crowd.

"Yeah," Suzy was sure. "He can't stand it when she's mad at him, so he'll do something to make up for it. Hopefully, it'll be him admitting his affections," she placed emphasize on the last word. "For Rose."

There was disbelief on Carol's face. "Only Mattie Hanson would have the ability to get a Vulcan to admit feelings for another human."

A coy smiled appeared on Suzy's face. "It's why Mattie Hanson's gonna rule the world one day."

Spock glanced at Jim and Leonard to see if confusion confounded them as well. The doctor was drowning any and all of his feeling in liquor and Jim struggled with his crewneck. As they remained distracted the Vulcan believed it was only with regards to the proper etiquette to introduce himself to the new woman.

He stretched one hand out grabbing the newcomers attention. She switched her glass to her other hand so she could shake. "My name is Spock. I am the first officer aboard the _Enterprise_."

"The _Enterprise_ ," she repeated cheerfully. At the sound of his ship Jim snapped to attention. "Nice to meet you. I'm Ambassador Suzy Sesay."

She knocked back the rest of her second drink and replaced it. The action left Spock wondering about her conduct. And her age.

Suzy Sesay appeared far too young to be an Ambassador. Her mocha skin and naturally curly hair presented a nice picture. Yet, Spock considered why she had been given the opportunity to work in a capacity that many would have liked and certainly fought for.

"Ambassador Sesay," Jim said, quickly realizing that Sesay was who he was supposed to be meeting with. "James T. Kirk. I'm the captain of the _Enterprise_."

"Nice to meet you." The smile that she carried was partly a smirk that said she knew a lot more than the world knew. It also gave away that she was a jokester. She hoped it also conveyed not to fuck with her, though whether that came across or not was debatable.

"You two know one another?" Jim looked between Carol and Suzy.

"Yes." Carol looked just as surprised. "I suppose I should have figured it would be you that Jim was meeting. I didn't know if you'd be here or not though."

"I have been in London a lot," Suzy agreed. Something caught her eye and she glanced over her shoulder.

"Eddie's leaving," Carol said in disappointment. "I hadn't had a chance to say hello."

"Peppermint bark," Suzy said. Carol didn't understand, but Suzy nodded to herself. "He's going to get her peppermint bark."

"You think that's what he'll do to make it up to her?" Carol thought it was funny since it wasn't like Eddie had even done anything to Mattie directly, other than refraining from letting himself feel love towards Rose.

"It'll mean the world to her," Suzy kept speaking to herself. She snapped out of it though and she smiled deeply at Spock and Kirk. "Another drink? Oh, sorry I didn't introduce myself, Suzy."

"Lieutenant Nyota Uhura." They shook hands as Sulu and Chekov appeared offering a new round of introductions. Another round, or two, of drinks was also introduced and before she knew it Suzy found herself next to Leonard McCoy. The doctor had introduced himself, but then remained reservedly closed off, not offering much to the conversation except the odd grumpy comment.

They both had a beloved glass of alcohol in their hands when Suzy asked him the one question she was dying to ask.

"Why are you so angry?"

It caught him off guard as he looked away from his glass, which had been to his lips. "Who the hell said I was angry?"

"The way you moodily drink your alcohol is a possible give away." She swayed back and forth happily taking her own sip of liquor.

"Just because a man moodily drinks his alcohol doesn't mean he's angry." She believed that may have been his own way of joking.

"You're the CMO, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I guess if you have that job, you do deserve to drink moodily."

"Thank you." He tipped his glass to her and drank as moodily as he wanted to. "You know that might just have been the only time I've ever been appreciated properly."

Suzy laughed at that. "What, you're saying that the Chief Medical Officer is routinely underappreciated. I'd have never guessed. Who's your worst offender?"

"You mean other than this idiot?" McCoy nodded to Kirk. He wanted to tell her everybody, but as he looked out across the room, which had filled with even more people in the past couple of hours, his eyes caught sight of one person in particular. "Well, there's one that sure as hell doesn't appreciate it when you patch her up again."

Suzy followed his line of sight and her teasing face turned to surprise at his statement. "Mattie?"

"You'd think a hypochondriac would love hospitals." Suzy knew for a fact that Mattie did. "But then she goes and swears off my Sickbay because I make 'her not want to be a hypochondriac'."

Suzy's face continued to portray her disbelief as she listened to the doctor.

"I'm fine with that," he grumbled. "Who the hell wants a hypo in their Sickbay anyway."

He finally looked over at Suzy and took in her raised eyebrows.

"What the hell did you do to make Mattie dislike you?" Suzy shook her head.

"I didn't do anything!" he said in exasperation.

Suzy's laughter was stiff at first and then rolling as she couldn't stop herself. "Oh, you two are going to need a lot of luck, stuck on the _Enterprise_ for five more years."

"Four years and nine months," he muttered. "Don't think I'm not counting."

* * *

"Why?" Nov moaned the next morning as they all walked back to the shuttle bay. "One night isn't good enough."

"Just be glad we got any time off," Milo reminded her. "Captain Kirk was just being nice, letting us all dock and get a night off. He and Commander Spock could have just beamed down."

"What do you think the chances are that we'll have holiday leave?" Giles asked. It was like crickets chirped. "Right, that's what I thought."

Mattie duly walked behind them, trying not to let the sadness weigh her down. She brushed her hair off her forehead, only for it to fall back where it had been. It was going to be that type of day and her fear was that homesickness would suffocate her as she left New Vulcan, a place that had previously been a harbor of safety. Now her duty made her walk away.

"Mattie."

His voice made her look back as did all of her friends.

"Eddie?" She walked up to the Vulcan. She was aware that her friends were looking at her in wonder and this time she made sure to speak in Standard in an effort for them to forget that she spoke in Vulcan the day before.

He was much taller than she was and he kept his hands behind his back, standing strong and proud. Yet, he was sincere as she approached. "I am sorry."

Mattie's toe kicked into the ground. "You don't need to say that Eddie," she called him by the nickname she, Suzy, and Rosie had always used. "It's not my place to order you to feel emotions."

Eddie did not respond right away to that. "I have though." He glanced at the party that was making no moves to even hide their eavesdropping. "Found that after working so closely with you…and Rose and Suzy, that at times emotions do have a purpose." He lowered his voice. "It has in the past, driven you to perform your duties to the highest caliber. Your need to protect, that is an emotion that perhaps should be felt more often."

Mattie's eyes snapped up to his at the admission. "Eddie," she said quietly.

From behind his back he pulled out a red square tin and handed it to her. Taking it she opened the lid. "This is," she said in disbelief. "This is Maggie's peppermint bark."

"She," he thought of the right words. "Easily agreed to allow me the use of her recipe upon my inquiry."

"Eddie," she said again.

He shook his head. "Is the gift agreeable?"

"Agreeable," Mattie cried out. "It's too much. You went all the way to make my favorite food in the world."

"It is debatable whether peppermint bark can be considered food. It does not have the nutrients to sustain a life form."

Mattie laughed lightly. "Come here, you Vulcan," she wrapped her hands around his body. He was so tall, the top of his head hardly came to his chest. She stayed unmoving, hugging him, for a few seconds before she felt him stiffly move his arms until they were wrapped around her. When it was right, she pulled back, lifted on her toes and kissed his cheek. "It's okay to feel, Eddie. She likes you, you idiot. Just know that."

She took a few steps back, smiling. Eddie's face was a mystery, as he tried to process Mattie. As if to distract himself he bowed his head. "Dr. Marcus."

Carol smiled kindly. She and the Bridge crew had walked up in the middle of Mattie and Eddie's conversation. "Edhock. It's nice to see you."

"I wish you both, well on your journey." Eddie bowed his head again in goodbye before saying a few words to Spock in their own language.

Carol slipped her arm through Mattie's as they watched him leave.

"So," Carol led them through the hanger. "What does one wear to a wedding between a Vulcan and a human?"

Mattie was suddenly coy. "You know," she began. "I think we'll just have to see what happens."

Carol agreed. "Sounds like a plan."

They unlinked arms so that they could enter the shuttle. Scotty and Rixson were already sitting and happy to greet their engineers as everybody else settled themselves in.

"You missed seeing Mattie get a hug from a Vulcan, Mr. Scott," Milo announced as he sat down beside his chief.

Scotty, slightly hungover, didn't bat an eye at that. "Did ya lassie? Well, good for you."

Mattie opened the tin of peppermint bark, the lid hanging by its hinges. "Here," she passed one to Carol and then Nov, who sat on her other side.

"What is that?" Rixson scrunched her nose like it was poison.

"It's Maggie's peppermint bark," she said proudly. She passed one out to everyone, even cranky Dr. McCoy who looked like he was being forced to participate in the cheerfulness.

"This is really good," Nov told her and Rixson hadn't died so Mattie took that as her approval.

"So I hear you can speak Vulcan?" Rixson asked, settling in her seat as the aircraft prepared to take off.

"She can," Milo informed her. Rixson narrowed her eyes at the man as if to say I wasn't asking you, before looking to Mattie for confirmation.

"Not very well," Mattie said shyly.

Rixson was quiet as the shuttle rose in the air. Uhura looked out the window, with Kirk leaning over her shoulder to do the same. She elbowed him to back off. Keenser was blinking at Scotty, who got argumentative back.

"Well, you hadn't stopped drinking either," he defended.

"It must be hard," Rixson spoke and it took Mattie a moment to realize that she was talking to her. "Those people, the ambassador and then the Vulcan, you used to work with them.

Mattie brushed the red tin that was in her lap with her fingertips. "Yeah, I did."

Rixson bit her lip in thought. "I've only ever worked on the _Enterprise_."

The radar word made the Captain stop bickering with Uhura and listen to whoever was talking about his ship.

"It would be hard I think," Rixson thought out loud. "To leave behind your team. Even if it wasn't on bad terms or anything. To leave behind the people you see every day."

Mattie thought about how she and Suzy used to share a room.

"Are you getting sentimental?" John said in disbelief. He pulled out his PADD. "I need to let everybody know for the pool we've had about whether or not you'd ever admit you loved us."

"That was not an admission of love!" Rixson argued.

"Ah," Scotty agreed with John. "It's ta closest we'll ever get. It counts as admitting love."

"Good thing sir," John checked his PADD. "You cleaned house on this one."

Scotty looked giddy.

"Oh, shut up," Rixson grumbled. Her eyes flashed back to Mattie. "I was just trying to be nice for once."

"You were!" Scotty said gleefully at the thought of the credits he won.

"You guys have a gambling problem," Uhura shook her head with amusement.

"Here," Mattie offered Rixson another piece of peppermint bark for her pain. "And it is hard. For the record. Leaving behind your team."

The mood dimmed slightly at her words because she spoke a truth that didn't like to be admitted.

"I have a question," Giles took it upon himself to lighten the mood. "If you all came from the same engineering team, how'd you end up a Junior Lieutenant on the _Enterprise_ and Ambassador Sesay became, well an ambassador."

"Isn't that rude to ask," Nov laughed in horror.

Mattie grinned before shrugging her shoulders. "I don't know," she lied. She ate a bite of chocolate and then grinned wider. "She taught me how to make a bomb out of a washing machine one time."

Rixson almost choked on her peppermint bark.

"Wait, what?" Sulu questioned as well.

"Ambassador Sesay," Mattie informed them. "Is a top weapons specialist. If there's one thing you should know about her it's that she's good at making bombs."

The rest of shore leave was spent seeing who could come up with the most lavish memory, some involving bombs, others involving Captain Kirk's stupidity. Those stories always came from McCoy and Uhura (while also occasionally helped by Spock).

* * *

* Thank you guys for all the follows/favs/and reviews! Especially the reviews! I'm very excited because I have officially written this all out (it'll be seventeen chapters in total), so now it is just a matter of editing and uploading. But it also means I'm looking for more inspiration and I personally feel that James T. Kirk doesn't get enough romance in these fanfics. So I'm wondering if there is a favorite female pairing that any of you might be interested in seeing? Let me know because I'd love to hear!


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five: She Prefers the Dungeon to Adventure**

"Mr. Scott."

"Yeah, lass," the Scotsman eyed her over his shoulder. They were working side by side down in _Engineering_.

"Um," she dropped her wrench by her side. "I wanted to say sorry."

"Sorry?" he prompted.

"For," she struggled to say what she wanted to. "For last week. I didn't mean to offend you, or make it seem like your ship wasn't nice because it is," she rushed to say. "It's so nice. It's just that I saw this thing, and my mind goes into auto drive when I see something that I can fix and I felt like I needed to fix all the energy and power problems. And so,-."

"Lassie."

"Yeah."

"It's alright," he smiled gently at her. "Water under ta bridge. From now on though, if you see a problem discuss it with me."

She nodded furiously. "I will."

"Lassie."

"Yeah."

"You're very bright."

She blushed at the compliment. "Thank you, Mr. Scott."

"You know it was practically a pajama party," his thick accent highlighted the words. "Did ya see John, in those Christmas breeks?"

"What the heck are breeks?" John asked as he walked up to the pair. "And why are you ogling mine?"

Scotty shrugged nonchalantly. "Dornt fash yerse abit it!"

John stared at Mattie for an explanation.

"What?" she threw her hands in the air, wrench and all. "I don't speak Scots."

"What are you English good for then?"

Mattie made a funny face at Scotty as the man playfully responded.

"Don't get me started on the English," he answered. "We'll leave them be for now, though they don't deserve it, what with their colonizing and all."

"You're welcome," Mattie told John.

"Yeah, America thanks you," he replied sarcastically. "Jeez, I didn't know that I was gonna get a history lesson when I came up here."

"I'd like a history lesson," Milo joked. He came to stand beside Scotty, wordlessly beginning to help the Chief with his task.

"Well we can start with Alex Smith," Scotty began.

A groan rolled through the engineers, though Mattie wasn't sure what the big deal was.

"Sir, I'm pretty sure we know everything there is to know about Alex Smith, aerospace engineer from Scotland," Nov stopped in front of them.

Scotty looked at his engineers and shook his head. "Disgraceful," he feigned disappointment and then turned to Mattie. "I liked it when it was jus' you an me working all by ourselves. Quieter then." He patted Milo's shoulder. "You lot finish up here, eh, Rixson did send you here to help right?"

John confirmed.

"Good, good, and I'll jus' go an tell the Bridge about Alex Smith." Scotty walked backwards. "Where he will be appreciated," he emphasized the last word.

"He won't be," Nov said under her breath.

Mattie laughed lightly as she returned to her work. Silence rolled over them, one that was easy going and friendly, as they all focused on the task before them.

John dropped his pliers. "Dammit," he mumbled.

"What the hell are you doing?" Rixson appeared out of nowhere making him jump.

"I'm clumsy, so sue me," John picked up the tool.

"There will be no time for clumsy during emergency situations," the Chief Assistant declared.

"I'll keep note of that," John replied.

"Sickbay's got a technical problem," Rixson told them. "And I'm feeling generous so which one of you wants to go on an adventure?"

Mattie was using her wrench to tighten a bolt when she felt all eyes on her. She slowly glanced at them. "What?"

John snapped to attention. "I volunteer Hanson."

"What, why?" she complained.

"Because you are a hypochondriac," he pronounced every word carefully.

"And we like it when you and McCoy fight," Nov explained.

"It makes for entertaining stories."

Mattie's mouth dropped open. "Traitor," she cried to Milo.

He shrugged.

"That makes a lot of sense," Rixson said out loud. She was normally so closed off, but she had bouts of thinking out loud. "M'Benga had asked for you."

"Yep, that'll do it," Nov said. "He'll take any opportunity to fuck with McCoy. Did he by any chance cause the technical problem?"

Darkness flashed across Rixson's face. "He better not have," she said bitterly. "Or he'll actually be needing the Sickbay for wasting our time."

"I'm not going," Mattie put her foot down.

"Oh, please, it's an opportunity to leave the dungeon for a bit," John waved his pliers at her. "Take this little bit of freedom while, ow!" He rubbed the back of his head, where Rixson had slapped him.

"Don't call Engineering the dungeon!"

"Leave while you can," Nov turned back to her work. "Seriously."

"But, no," Mattie desperately tried. "I've made a vow to never go to Sickbay. I can't break it so soon, just because of work!"

"You made a vow to never go to Sickbay?" John had skeptical look on his face. "But you're a hypochondriac."

This time it was Nov that swatted at him. "You are exactly why mental illnesses have a stigma!"

"You just said she's mental!" John tried to shield himself from her hits.

"Enough," Rixson huffed. "Just go, Hanson, because vow or not, it's your job to fix this ship." Then under her breath added, "I wish somebody would fix you all."

"Love you too, Rixson," Milo smirked.

"I hate all of you," Mattie glared at them before scooping up her tools and heading to Sickbay. Keenser waved at her as he passed her in the hallway. "Why didn't they send you to Sickbay," she complained. He blinked. "Oh, yeah cause that's an excuse."

She stomped the entire way to Sickbay, hating that she was breaking her vow of entering the hospital wing, after such a short time. Stupidly, she had thought that Dr. McCoy might be good for her. Not because he was helpful, but because he was always so moody, callous, and arrogant that she would want to avoid him and the Sickbay at all costs. In addition to that, all she'd have to do would be refraining from researching symptoms and she might finally kick this whole hypochondriac thing.

Right, she thought glumly, because one day you'll just be free of your fears.

Huffing she held her tool box tight as she hesitantly took a step forward.

"Thank god," Giles exclaimed at her arrival. "I was going to come drag you here myself if nobody from Engineering came soon."

"He's not kidding," a female nurse muttered darkly. "M'Benga was about to order him to go find you."

Mattie narrowed her eyes at Giles.

"Only because you're my closest engineering friend," he explained quickly.

She kept her eyes narrowed.

"Only because you're my closest friend," he amended. He came closer and draped an arm over her shoulders so that he could casually drag her further into the medical bay. "McCoy's been something else today and we really need you to save us. So just use those super engineering skills of yours and bring us sweet relief."

"You're really weird you know that," she said of his dramatics.

"We tell him on a daily basis," M'Benga whizzed past her, carrying a tricorder in one hand and a PADD in the other. He stopped to stand over a science officer who couldn't stop sneezing. Mattie tried to shuffle backwards but Giles held her tight.

"Nope, nope," he chanted under his breath as he pulled her forward. "You are needed here."

"Fine," Mattie's shoulders sagged. "What great big problem am I supposed to fix?"

"About damn time," the CMO's door opened and McCoy marched out, his brow furrowed and his face stern. "You redshirts can't seem to stay outta here, never taking care of yourselves, but when we actually need one, not a single one around."

Mattie tried to shuffle backwards again, Giles hanging on to her for dear life.

"Let me translate what Dr. McCoy just said to you," M'Benga spoke loudly so he could be heard over the sneezing. "Hello, Ensign Hanson. It's nice to see you. You know that red really flatters you, it's such a good color on you. Thank you so much for coming down to Sickbay to help us out."

"That is not what I said!" McCoy nearly shouted, also fighting to be heard over the sneezing.

"That is such a nice compliment," M'Benga chose to translate whatever the CMO had just said to him into something gentler. "Thank you, Dr. McCoy."

McCoy started to say something only to shut his mouth, deciding M'Benga wasn't worth his time. Glaring at Mattie instead he motioned for her to follow. Giles' arm left her and she was on her own. Trailing after the CMO they came to stand in between two biobeds. He waved his hand at the wall nonverbally telling her to fix it.

She looked at him in confusion.

"This," he complained. "This, fix it."

She studied the wall a second longer. "But what's wrong with it?"

"What's wrong with it?" he repeated. "Just look at it."

She did. She couldn't see anything wrong with it. Then after a few moments of staring at it, a slight tremble began to ripple through the siding. Leaning closer, she peered at the wall, the movement growing stronger.

"There," McCoy said smugly. "What the hell kinda tin can does Scotty have us on?"

"Don't let Scotty hear you say that."

"Shut up, M'Benga," McCoy yelled and then turned back to the wall. "The whole fucking wall is going to cave in and then do you know what's going to happen? The whole fucking Sickbay's going to cave in because we aren't even on a spacecraft that can support us. One fucking wall and then our blood is boiling as space does us in. Or maybe it'll just be deadly space virus's that come creeping in, waiting to wipe us all out in our sleep. Even better yet it'll be,-."

"Dr. McCoy," Giles cut him off sharply not caring that he was outranked.

McCoy stopped abruptly and M'Benga shot him a look. Mattie's hand was reaching out to touch the wall and McCoy watched it tremble. Clearing his throat in embarrassment he started again. "Just fix it will ya," he spun on his heel and walked to M'Benga's patient. "What the hell are you sneezing for?"

"He's so happy to see you," M'Benga translated.

Mattie took a step back to observe the whole wall. Not much of a technical problem, but she'd excuse the medical personnel's lack of engineering expertise. She sank to her knees, thinking about the position of the wall, the position of the Sickbay and then her hands were working all on their own, Mattie's auto drive kicking in.

"Um," M'Benga stepped back to avoid a sneeze. "Did she just take our wall apart?"

"Don't ask," Giles advised.

Mattie placed her hand in the pocket of her overalls and pulled out some nuts and grabbed her wrench. She was not going to die on the Enterprise. Nope. No space disease or faulty infrastructure was going to get her down. Though she was happy to note that she had been right in thinking that McCoy was a bad source of comfort when it came to disease-related anxiety.

Sitting on the ground, Mattie contorted her face in wonder as she studied the wall. Scooting back some, her mind seemed to grasp whatever it needed to because then she wiggled forward again and practically stuffed her upper body into the inside of the wall, working with air ducts, wires, and the larger idea of infrastructure. She twisted something tight and then leaned back.

"So what's your story?" She jumped in surprise at M'Benga's question. He was now sitting on one of the biobeds, the sneezing officer gone.

"Sorry?"

He waved a hand at her work. "How'd you get to be like this?"

 _You're good at fixing things he had told her_. She blinked at the memory. "I'm good at fixing things."

He nodded. "That's clear, but how did you figure that out?"

"Leave her alone," McCoy growled at him as he scanned a tactical officer's upper body.

"It's a legitimate question," M'Benga said. "Like did you end up fixing vacuums as a kid and figure out that you wanted to be an engineer?"

"They call them hoovers," Giles said from where he was entering data on a computer.

"What?" M'Benga asked.

"Vacuums," Giles told him. "They call 'em hoovers in England."

"Really?" M'Benga asked Mattie. "Huh. The question still stands though. How'd you become this engineering genius?

"I'm not a genius," Mattie corrected.

"Ripping apart Scotty's Engineering department and then putting it back together so it performs better qualifies you as a genius," Giles informed her.

"So what led you to become a genius?" M'Benga wouldn't let it go.

 _She'd sit on his workbench and hand him tools._

Scratching at one of her eyebrows she began to put the wall paneling back in its proper place before standing up and gathering her tools.

"There was a man." She adjusted her grip on her toolbox. "He owned a service station at the end of my road. I helped him fix cars."

"Cars," M'Benga declared. "Bigger than hoovers, I guess."

Mattie's grip tightened on her toolbox, nervous that she was giving away too much and not meaning to she caught McCoy's eyes. Paranoid, she was sure he'd been looking at her white knuckles.

"I fixed it," she let him know. "No Sickbay caving in or space viruses." She hoped.

He looked beyond her at the now non-moving wall and then back to her. He gave a tiny nod and she turned to leave.

"Wait don't leave me," Giles wailed behind him.

"Can't, sorry," she didn't even look back at her friend as she left still annoyed that she'd had to break her vow. "I have to return to the dungeon."

* * *

"I'm back," she sang happily. She surveyed Main Engineering. Keenser was hanging upside down from a catwalk, John had a black eye, and Rixson was furiously banging a socket wrench against something. "I'm just gonna," she hooked a left to try to turn around.

"You're with me, Lassie," Scotty draped his arm over his shoulders. She was reminded of Giles trapping her in the Sickbay.

"But," she glanced one time back.

"Let 'em be." Scotty seemed awfully cheerful considering the state of his engineers. "We're heading to Sickbay."

"What, no," Mattie cried loudly. "I just came from there. I swear I didn't do anything wrong, McCoy's lying."

"McCoy hasn't said anything," Scotty brushed off. "The Capt'n, called us."

"Really?" Mattie wasn't sure if she liked that.

"Well, he called me," Scotty admitted. "We came upon a light cruiser, it's having a wee bit a trouble. Some of the crew boarded for medical attention. From what I've heard from their chief assistant, my first opinion is that it's some spotty wiring. An, who's the best when it comes to wiring?"

"Oh," Mattie took the compliment. It was very nice to be chosen to participate in the _Enterprise's_ wider exploration mission, but she'd been so happy to come back to the comfort of Engineering.

"Come on," he said cheerfully. "Best not to leave 'em waitin."

"Mr. Scotty," she tried again. "Are you sure that somebody higher ranked shouldn't be handling this."

"Don't hurt my feelin's, lassie," he clutched at his heart. "Are you sayin that the Chief Engineer doesn't know who to pick in a case like this."

He dropped his arm from her shoulders and instead of bolting Mattie followed beside him, resigned to her fate. The buzzing of the ship grew as they entered the main saucer area and got closer to Sickbay. Personnel and crewmembers were running every which way busy in their everyday tasks in addition to the daily specials that Captain Kirk had gotten them into.

"Mr. Spock," Scotty called out as the doors to the Sickbay appeared.

Spock bowed his head in greeting. "Mr. Scott, Junior Lieutenant Hanson. I'm here to inform Captain Kirk that we have completed a scan of the _Harwell_. It appears the immediate problem is a defective plasma coil. It will need to be replaced before the _Harwell_ can resume warp. Will you be able to assist in solving the problem?"

"Of course," Scotty said. "Plasma coils are easily fixable, a bit time consuming, but not the worst that their ship coulda been dealt with."

"I have a similar opinion on the matter," Spock agreed. "Shall we speak to Cromwell on the subject."

"Aye," Scotty meant to follow behind the Vulcan when he noticed that Mattie was not moving. "Lassie?"

Mattie was afraid of entering the Sickbay because of who she could see. Traylor Whitehall sat on a biobed, his face tight and angry as always. She knew he'd seen him, but he kept his gaze forward, listening to Captain Kirk. She preferred it when his angry eyes weren't on her anyhow.

"Lassie," Scotty said again.

"I can't go in there," she mumbled the panic swelling in her chest.

"Hanson," Scotty thought he'd been generous but his tone grew firm. "Now I get that you're anxious, but we have ta help these people. So now get it together and that's an order."

Her eyelids fluttered as she swallowed and nodded in a daze. Breathe. She just needed to breathe. She had, after all, faced a lot scarier things than Traylor Whitehall. Even if he did hate her guts.

The Sickbay staff was a lot less playful with their new patients and Captain Kirk's serious face. Kirk continued to question the Chief Engineer while McCoy filtered through the large amount of people around to tend his patients. For once he was quiet as he worked, ergo the few expletives he'd let out under his breath and the frustrated expression on his face.

"We've been stranded for a couple days," the man, it had to be Cromwell, explained. "At first we believed it to be the nacelle's and set about a course of action, but our magnetic containment has been fluctuating."

"Captain Tyrell informed us of the same matter," Kirk said thoughtfully. "Your life support has also taken a hit."

"Aye," Cromwell confirmed. "We're lucky your med facilities are up to snuff. The magnetic interference wasn't allowing for the proper care. Though I have to ask that as soon as we've been taken care of that we are allowed back to our ship. We've got a lot of work to do."

"Understood," Kirk's eyes slid to McCoy. "As soon as our CMO clears you that is. We'd also like to offer you our services. We have quite a few engineers that know a thing or two about life support systems, isn't that right Junior Lieutenant Hanson?"

Despite his seriousness, his blue eyes twinkled slightly at he shifted to address her.

"Are you now?" Cromwell appeared delighted. Scotty edged his way into the conversation and motioned for her to take a look at his PADD and various technical blueprints of the other cruiser.

"Alright," McCoy was satisfied. He tucked an instrument in his lab coat and turned to Cromwell. "Your men are gonna be fine. I'm sending some supplies with you too. One of your nurses said you were running dangerously low on hypos and those shouldn't be affected by the magnetic containment." He looked like he wanted to add something, but bit his tongue and turned away.

"That's very kind of you doctor," Cromwell confessed. His men began to file out, a few thanking the staff before following a security officer back to the Transport Room. Mattie kept her face downwards as they moved.

"Rixson," Scotty called into his Comm. "Grab Brown and I want you two in the Transport Room. You'll be heading over to the _Harwell_ to work on the plasma coils."

The order was acknowledged and then Scotty returned to Cromwell. "I'm gonna send two of my best while I monitor the situation from our control room. There may be some technical issues that are better suited to deal with from this side."

"Thank you," Cromwell finally stood up. "And I can only thank you for my Captain as well."

"We'll think about thank you's after we get your warp drive going again," Scotty told him.

He nodded. "And, uh, you'll be sending her along as well," he motioned to Mattie.

"Me?" she rocked back and forth on her feet.

Scotty teased, "Of course, lassie. Even the Capt'n now knows who to go when it comes to coils, wires, or energy efficiency."

Mattie wanted to say something but couldn't find the words.

"We'd be in your debt," Cromwell admitted. "Lieutenant Whitehall just told me that you're the best when it comes to fixing things."

"Come on," Scotty clapped her shoulder. "Down to the Transporter Room quick."

"Bones," Kirk prompted. They were standing off to the side of the room so that Jim was able to see what Scotty and Cromwell were up to and also listen to McCoy's medical report. "Bones," he reached out to poke McCoy's arm with his finger. His friend had paused midsentence.

 _…Told me you're the best when it comes to fixing things._ Earlier her knuckles had been hanging onto her toolbox for dear life.

"Bones," Kirk kicked his shin.

"What the fuck was that for?" Leonard clutched at his shin as he jumped up and down a little.

"You zoned out on me," Jim complained. "What the hell happened?"

The doctor watched the rest of the engineers walk out of his Sickbay. Shaking his head as if to literally clear it he made himself focus on his friend. It was none of his damn business how that other girl had gotten involved in fixing shit.

Still, he couldn't help letting the comment slip out. "Something's not right."

"What?" his friend studied him.

"I just got a feelin'," Leonard brushed by Jim to get to a computer. "A bad feelin'."

"You always have a bad feeling," Jim brushed off his friend's concern. "You have a bad feeling about the entirety of space."

"Well we all should," he shouted at Jim as he walked back to the Bridge.

Rixson and Brown were already in the Transporter Room when she arrived. Most of the _Harwell's_ crew had already been beamed back aboard. Rixson was speaking rapidly on her communicator device, Scotty's thick Scots hard to decipher, leaving Mattie to stand next to Abigail Brown. They stood in silence, Mattie politely ignoring her and Abigail disdainfully pretending Mattie didn't exist.

"Alright," Rixson placed her communicator in her trouser pocket. The Transporter Pad became free so they stepped onto it. "The main plasma coil needs to be replaced, the main power grid rebooted and the primary warp coil needs maintenance. We'll split up, I'll take the primary warp coil while you two deal with the plasma coils. Got it?"

They both nodded.

"Andy, get us to where we need to be," Rixson ordered the engineer on duty. Andy sent her a thumbs up and then they were energized.

Firmly placed on the _Harwell_ the trio was met by the very happy Cromwell. Grinning widely he waved for them to follow.

"Really can't thank you enough," his voice was gruff and he probably hadn't showered in days. His uniform was full of sweat and grease stains and he had a slight limp to him though he walked with purpose. "Been doing this job for so long I don't remember," he joked. "But shit like this happens and you remember that you don't know everything. I'm just glad Mr. Scott could spare yeh."

"It's no problem," Rixson said kindly though her voice was the same determined tone she always used. "We're gonna split up though if you don't mind. Do you mind taking me to the warp chamber while Lieutenant Brown and Junior Lieutenant Hanson work on the plasma coils."

"Good idea," Cromwell had no problems with the plan. "Hey, Roy, get these girls down to work on the plasma coil."

Roy showed up and Abigail and Mattie were quick to follow him. Not talkative and the lack of lighting due to power restrictions made for an eerie journey to the part of the ship they needed. Unceremoniously, Roy stopped at the correct station and waved his hand at the area. Wordlessly he left, for once leaving Abigail and Mattie on the same page—confused that they'd been left alone to tend to the matter despite the amount of engineers on the ship.

"Well," Mattie said out loud just to break the silence. "I guess not everybody can have an Engineering department that's as well oiled as Scotty's."

Abigail looked like she wanted to agree but didn't dare let herself interact with somebody as unintelligent as Mattie.

"Here," she thrust an engineering tricorder at Mattie who barely caught it before it was shoved in her gut. "You monitor, I'll do the rest."

"Okay," she said slowly. "You know I could do more to help."

Abigail pointedly ignored her.

"You know Scotty's forgiven me for being a bumbling mess," she couldn't help herself from saying.

Abigail frowned as she looked at the hub of coils and various wiring. "Replacing the coil will be easy enough. We'll need to coordinate with Rixson before we take the core offline. Let her know, while I insert this."

Mattie shifted the tricorder in her hand and patted her pockets. "I'll need to borrow your communicator."

Abigail stopped to send her another one of her famous pointed glares. "What do you mean you'll have to borrow mine?"

"I don't know, mine's not in my pocket. It could literally be in the Sickbay for all I know," she shrugged. "Besides I'm the one afraid of germs, it's not like I have cooties or somethin' just let me borrow yours."

"And there's the bumbling mess," Abigail smugly sighed.

Mattie gritted her teeth, using every curse word she knew in her head. Abigail slapped her communicator in Mattie's open palm.

Controlling her voice she explained what they had done to the plasma coil.

"Alright, give me five minutes and then take everything offline."

"Sorted," Mattie grumbled into the line before handing the device back to Abigail.

The Section B head had finished her work and taken a step back to admire it. Begrudgingly Mattie had to admit that her work was decent.

"You know, loss of Starfleet property can lead you to getting reported," Abigail told her.

"Is there a reason you hate me or are you just doing this for fun?" Mattie's accent thickened in anger. It was in perfect tension with Abigail's posh London tones.

"Don't pretend like you don't hate me either," Abigail crossed her arms over her chest as they waited.

"I don't hate you," Mattie replied. "I just think you're a bitch."

Abigail's face tightened, not flattering her already cold and aloof body language.

"You know as the head of Section B, I could," Abigail began.

"Just stop," Mattie's hair flew as she swung around to face her. "Stop acting like you're better than everyone else. I'm sorry that I'm a bumbling mess, but you don't get to treat me like I'm dirt just cause I'm not posh and all like you are."

"I'm sorry I'm not from Lancashire."

"Fuck off, I'm from Yorkshire."

"Oh, yes, a real Northern Monkey," Abigail sniped before a dull thud made them both jump.

The noise made them stop and realize how odd their surroundings were. The ship's lights were still dim and it suddenly seemed like they were completely alone on the deck that they were working on.

Abigail and Mattie stopped bickering as worry morphed on both of their faces.

Swallowing, Abigail was the first to speak without spreading an insult. "Where is everyone?"

It was an accurate question. A ship the size of the _Harwell_ should be bustling with engineers and crewmembers, but they were performing essential repairs all alone.

"Let's take the core offline," Abigail suggested. "Rixson should have had enough time."

Mattie nodded and nervously adjusting the tool belt on her waist she led the way to the main power grid. They walked alone in the Jeffries tubes, the sound of their feet being the loudest noise as most of the life support stopped all non-essential systems from functioning. Their shadows began to scare them as they followed the curves of the ship.

"It should be up ahead," Mattie whispered to Abigail, though the lieutenant was more than aware of how a cruiser was mapped out.

Mattie paused suddenly and Abigail held her breath as they both listened carefully before stepping back as a bright light flickered.

"Sparks," Mattie clutched her chest, feeling silly. "It's just more faulty wiring problems."

Abigail stepped past her, cautiously approaching the burning power outlet. She shook her head, "It won't affect the core drive, but it's unusual and I don't," she broke off as her eyes caught sight of something on the wall. "What is that?"

A meter away a door was built into the wall. Liquid the color of steel oozed from the small crack at the bottom of the doorframe.

Abigail's hand, quivering, reached out to open the door.

"What the hell are you doing?"

They both jumped at the sound of somebody's voice. A man in a blue shirt and severe looking face glared at them.

"What the hell are you doing?" he yelled again.

"We need to take the core offline," Abigail took a step back from the door.

The man narrowed his eyes at them. "Then what the hell are you doing down here?"

Mattie and Abigail shared a look of confusion. Mattie pointed behind her. "We have to go this way to get to it."

"And they say the _Enterprise_ is Starfleet's flagship," the man sneered. "If you want to do that then you'll have to come this way."

"But," Abigail began to take out her communicator as she pointed in a similar manner as Mattie had.

"What and now you're stealing our equipment," the man snatched the device out of her hands.

Abigail's eyes grew wide as she tried to grab it back. The man towered over her though and Mattie quickly reached out and grabbed her forearm, taking a step back as she did. There was a distinct squelching sound and Mattie's body went numb in fear as she realized she'd just stepped on whatever steel liquid was oozing out of the forbidden door.

Time seemed to pause as all three stared at one another.

"Aarons," somebody else joined them. Traylor Whitehall walked up from behind the other man. "Cromwell wants you up on Deck 3."

Aarons, hand still clutching Abigail's communicator, kept his eyes narrowed at the female engineers before he finally backed away.

Then they were left with Traylor Whitehall.

"To reset everything we need to go this way." Traylor tilted his head in the opposite direction. He didn't leave them time to respond before he walked away.

Their only option was to follow him.

They came up short at a large electrical grid. They awkwardly paused before Mattie shuffled forward and took the ship offline. Noises coming from the grid and the surrounding room cooled down as the system stopped running. Counting in her head, Mattie's hand slowly moved resetting the program so that they could begin running the system at normal capacity.

Mattie stepped away from the grid. The room was still.

There should be more crewmembers, the thought flashed through Mattie's head, crippling her for a second. Her heartbeat tripled and her skin crawled. What the hell was on the bottom of her boot?

"Come on," Traylor said. He headed out of the room.

"We have to meet up with Rixson," Abigail stuttered. "To do final checks before you can enter warp."

"Shortcut this way," Traylor said.

Uneasy they began to follow him. Mattie wasn't sure if he was walking fast or they were just walking really slow.

"The lights should be coming back on," Abigail whispered from beside Mattie. She scanned the dark area in concern.

"It's probably programmed to keep the lights off on these decks to conserve energy after all the power they've lost," Mattie guessed. She looked behind her. There was a path of silver liquid. It crawled along the wall. Possibly whatever was on her shoe was causing technical problems.

Traylor continued to lead and the pit in her stomach grew even more. She didn't even like Traylor Whitehall to begin with. Now though on a creepy ship in deep space he made her breath grow shallow.

She knew what he was like. She knew how much he hated her. She remembered all the thinly veiled threats he'd constantly harass her with whenever she was alone with him in whatever hanger she'd been working in. He'd made her skin crawl then and he made her skin crawl now.

Mattie swiveled her head slightly to catch Abigail's eye. "You need to run."

Abigail's face was a mixture of alarm and disbelief. "You're not going to make me look like an idiot." Her pride, which wanted to stop her from being 'dramatic', would be her downfall if she didn't run.

"Abigail," Mattie hissed. Abigail's jaw set, fear and stubbornness at war. Mattie nodded at the empty hallway they were walking in, telling her to go back the way they'd come.

Slowly Abigail lightly stepped backwards, not making a sound. When Traylor and Mattie were out of sight she turned around and walked back the correct path to find Rixson. Alone and scared she walked fast, her head constantly shifting, looking for any signs of danger. The fear set in more quickly now that she was by herself, her legs finally breaking out into a run.

She avoided the spots of steely liquid, confusion growing as she swore it was moving. Sweat trickled down her forehead and Abigail Brown realized a sad truth. When the _Enterprise_ had almost gone down because of Khan she would have died alongside her friends and crewmembers—her family. Here, on the _Harwell_ , the possibility of dying alone was very real and possibly very near.

She let out a tiny shriek as a shadowy figure moved along the ground. Aarons, the man that had taken and basically crushed her communicator, was lying on the floor. His hand idly reached out to touch her, but she jumped out of the way and her running turned into sprinting.

"What is this?" Mattie kept her voice steady. Traylor had stopped in front of a maintenance shaft, going downwards.

"We have to get the driver coil back online," Traylor was emotionless as he spoke. His eyes ticked once, noticing that they were now missing Abigail, but didn't mentioned anything.

Mattie eyed the maintenance shaft, the small amount of movement it allowed, and then thought about the fact that she was alone with Traylor and didn't have any source of contact with Abigail.

"Go on," Traylor motioned to the shaft.

"You first," Mattie proposed.

He narrowed his eyes and Mattie prepared herself for an abrasive reply.

"Isn't that how it always is with you and your special engineer friends," his voice became acid as he referred to the team Mattie had worked on with Rose and Suzy.

"I don't know," Mattie tried to act normal. "It's not like you did so bad yourself when you worked for Raymond."

His eyes glared at her. "And yet I'm on this piece of shit, with a crew stupid enough to smuggle the same thing that's gonna destroy them."

Mattie's eyes blinked down at her boot.

"What's it like," Traylor taunted. "Working for the famous Captain James T. Kirk? Not, that he knows the real Mattie Hanson."

Traylor did not know the real Mattie Hanson and if she wasn't so frightened her blood would be boiling.

"Bet he'd love to know what kinda bitch you are," he kept taunting. "The one that helped a psychopath almost destroy the world."

"And you're innocent," Mattie's voice was barely above a whisper.

"Well," Traylor's face morphed back into the cold state it had been before he'd begun talking to her. "I'm not you."

A dull thud started to ring from behind them. Mattie didn't dare look behind her, but Traylor was faced that way and judging by his reaction he wasn't keen on whatever was making the noise.

"Get in," he ordered. Feeling like she had no other choice Mattie began to climb down the maintenance shaft in the hope that the ship would finally start to work again.

* * *

"Uhura, can you get an update from Scotty," Captain Kirk ordered. He checked the time.

They'd been waiting for a little over three hours and while the _Enterprise_ herself had encountered technical issues that had taken even longer to fix, Kirk felt like they'd been waiting for ages. It was a mutual feeling, especially on the Bridge, as they focused on mundane tasks, with only Chekov occasionally coordinating with Scotty.

"Capt'n," Scotty's voice filled the Bridge.

"What's going on Scotty?" Kirk asked.

"Rixson's got ta warp core going an ta plasma coil has been brought back online," Scotty informed him. "Eh, I'm a bit concerned with some of the technical issues that appear on the scan, but Rixson has assured that the power is able to support the _Harwell_."

"What's the next course of action?" the Captain asked.

"Knowing Rixson, the lass is probably taking extra precautions after the ship bein' on life support for a number of days. Shouldn't be long now, Capt'n," Scotty said before signing off.

Kirk sighed and allowed his head to rest backwards in his chair for a moment. It wasn't the only sign of restless fidgeting on the Bridge.

"Uhura," Kirk began to ask when Dr. McCoy arrived. "Bones," he forgot about whatever he wanted Uhura to do. "Drop it."

"Drop what?" he feigned innocence.

Kirk narrowed his eyes. He lowered his voice, dabbling just slightly in the dramatics. "Drop the hypo."

Bones showed him his hands and then just as dramatically as Jim was being he patted his uniform to show him that he didn't have any hypos on him.

"If you'd quit bein a baby about attending your damn physicals we wouldn't have to dance around like this," he remarked. He noticed Spock raising an eyebrow. "Got somethin' to say Pointy?"

"While the Captain is twenty-nine days past his quarterly physical the likelihood of you and the Captain 'dancing around' remains unusually high."

"You know what else is unusually high?" Bones said sarcastically. "My tolerance for green-blooded science officers."

"I was merely interpreting data that is in front of me," Spock responded.

"Well next time don't," Bones firmly told him though his request would have no impact on future encounters. He stabbed a hypo in Jim's neck.

"Son of a bitch," Kirk gasped as he slapped a hand to his neck. Uhura didn't bother to hide her smile.

"I said quit bein' a baby," Bones told him as Jim continued to whine about how badly it hurt.

"Permission to enter the Bridge," Carol Marcus said from the entrance.

"Granted," Kirk moaned.

The blonde Brit's uniform looked haphazard, the skirt wrinkled, while her hair needed a comb through it. Jim Kirk liked seeing her not so put together. He'd take any detail he could get.

Sighing, a small wane smile graced her face. "I wanted to see if there had been any updates on the engineers aboard the _Harwell_. Seems they must be doing alright." She looked at Jim who had fallen onto the ground.

Bones lightly kicked Jim in the ribs.

"Quit it," Jim demanded. "Only you'd kick a man while he's down."

"No," Bones told him. "I only kick men who don't give a CMO the respect they deserve, not showin up for a routine physical." He offered Jim a hand, which he took and pulled him up. Then he jabbed another hypo in his neck.

"Dammit, Bones!"

Carol wasn't amused. The worry lines in her face aged her and her feet were tired from spending hours pacing in worry. She felt like a mother hen, worrying over Mattie.

"Captain," Sulu's voice pushed Kirk outta his dramatics. Straightening up, he focused on Sulu but the helmsman remained unusually quiet, as if he was unsure of himself.

"Sulu, report," Kirk ordered.

"Something appears to be off with the _Harwell's_ shield frequencies," Sulu studied the reports in front of him. Spock came to inspect the information. "Sir, their warp is now fully capable."

"Sir," Uhura's urgent cry cut in. "We're receiving communication from Rixson, playing now."

Except it wasn't Lieutenant Kyla Rixson's voice that cut through the Bridge. It was Abigail Brown's terrorized voice.

"Beam us back now," she cried for help.

For a moment Kirk didn't know who to call out to first. Scotty in Engineering, Sulu to ask what the hell was going on, or Chekov to transport them back.

"Chekov," he yelled at the young man who was already furiously working to lock a signal on them. The Bridge heard a few more seconds of Abigail's agonizing calls before static took over the line completely.

"There's technical interference," Uhura tried to gain back communications with her. "I don't understand, sir. I'll continue trying."

Multiple things began to happen at an alarming rate.

"Beam them back aboard immediately," Kirk ordered Chekov.

"Beaming up now," Chekov said before his voice hitched. "Zir, I have lost zee konnection with Junior Lieutenant Hanson."

Carol tried to breathe, blindly following Dr. McCoy as he ran to the Transporter Room ready to assist with any injuries the engineers may have. Uhura was desperately close to losing her cool as she unsuccessfully struggled to form a communication connection with Rixson or Abigail's comm.

"What do you mean you can't lock on to Hanson," Kirk yelled.

"There iz interference," his accent threatened the words. "Possibly her location is preventing the ability to transport her."

"What do you mean interference," Kirk had heard that word one too many times in the past minute. "What kinda interference or frequency is going on. Scotty, what the hell is happening?"

"Rixson and Brown are safely back onboard," Spock said.

"Capt'n, I don't understand what's happenin. The _Harwell_ is performin at full capacity now," Scotty cried out in the Bridge as he himself sat in the Control Room. "I can't get a lock on Mattie either."

"Sir," Sulu forced himself to remain calm. "They've just entered warp."

Kirk's brow began to sweat as the possibility of losing a crewmember became all too real. He needed more information. "Do whatever the hell you have to get Mattie Hanson back." Then he too ran down to the Transporter Room.

He almost toppled over when he had to quickly stop after running so fast. Rixson's ankle was hurt, but she appeared confused and angry at Abigail. She shrugged off the woman who sank to the ground shaking.

"Rixson, what happened?" Kirk spoke fast but kept an even tone.

"What happened?" she cried in confusion. "She just came running out of nowhere, grabbed me and my comm."

"How'd you hurt your ankle?" McCoy barked. Two more medics arrived to help him.

"I tripped while walking down some stairs," Rixson explained. "The turbolifts weren't in operation so Cromwell showed me to the warp chamber via the Jeffries tubes."

"Bones, what's wrong with her?" Kirk shifted towards Abigail Brown.

Bones had already sunk to the ground to look at the young woman. She was trembling and her face was a mix of dirt, sweat and tears. Kirk bent down as well in an effort to gently coax out information.

"Lieutenant Brown," he tried to look into her eyes. "What happened? Where is Junior Lieutenant Hanson?"

The woman sniffled, now trying to catch her breath.

"Bones?" he asked.

He was scanning her with a tricorder, monitoring her vitals, noticing her elevated heartbeat and low blood pressure. "She's in shock and scared outta her damn mind," was the only medical expertise he could really offer.

Rixson, since she wouldn't leave her engineer behind, was instructed to sit down so that a medic could assess her ankle.

"Brown," her voice was hard. "Where the hell is Hanson?"

Abigail blinked, acknowledging that the Chief Assistant was using her dangerous voice, a tone that all of Engineering knew. She finally looked up at Captain Kirk.

"Run," she barely whispered. Kirk couldn't hear her at first. "She told me to run."

"Hanson told you to run?" Kirk asked her.

Abigail nodded and McCoy held the tricorder steady. He snapped at the closest medic to hand him a blanket, the Lieutenant's skin too chilled and clammy for his medical liking. He draped it over her.

"We fixed the plasma coil," Abigail looked down as she spoke and Kirk instinctively knew that she was envisioning everything that had happened. "And it was dark. It was always dark and nobody was around. We fixed the coil and we went to take it offline," she swallowed. "There was stuff."

"Stuff?" Kirk needed a more thorough explanation.

Abigail's breathing grew shallower.

"Jim," McCoy warned.

"Abigail what did you see?" he ignored McCoy and calmly pressed.

"When we were walking, there was stuff on the ground, seeping from a doorway. It got on Mattie's shoe. I tried to open it but a man stopped us. He crushed my communicator and I thought… Another man came and took us to the main power grid. When it came back online he tried to take us somewhere else, but Mattie made me run."

Kirk's blood began to boil at the treatment of his crew and he looked to Rixson for confirmation.

"I don't know," Rixson shook her head. "I was near the warp chamber most of the time. I mean not a lot of the crew was around which I thought was strange, but I focused on my work."

"Was Cromwell with you the entire time?" Kirk asked.

"No," Rixson hesitated. "At one point…something got on him? It was like, silver metal and then he kinda walked off…"

Kirk looked back at Abigail.

"It got on Mattie's shoe," she repeated herself.

"Somebody get Hanson off that ship now," Captain Kirk shouted.

* * *

"Get in," Traylor said.

For a lack of knowing what to do Mattie entered the maintenance shaft, stepping down the ladder in the tight quarters before dropping to her feet again. Traylor followed suit.

"The warp should already be steady," Mattie told him.

"If it was so steady we'd be moving," Traylor walked along an electrical grid. He began to press a series of buttons, flipping a switch upwards. "There we go," his voice was too easy going. If they went into warp the chances of Mattie getting off this ship were going to grow even slimmer.

"I need to get to my Chief Assistant," Mattie walked to the ladder.

Traylor got to it first and put his foot on the first rung. "Yeah, alright," his voice was too nonchalant and Mattie grew even more mistrustful of his intentions.

He climbed the ladder ahead of her, Mattie's heart thumping as they got closer and closer to being out of the shaft. He climbed out first and Mattie was desperate to get to Rixson and Abigail. Her head lifted out of the round maintenance shaft as Traylor's elbow smashed into her cheekbone.

Her head swung backwards, one hand and both feet slipping.

She wanted to cry not from the pain, but the stupidity. She knew what Traylor Whitehall was capable of. She knew it would be coming.

She fought to cling on to something, her side banging roughly into metal as only one hand struggled to keep her from falling straight down. She was so close to the top, if she could just lift herself up. Panicking, as her vision swam before her she realized that her body was trying to undergo transportation back to the _Enterprise_.

A strangled cry burst out of her chest as she felt the weight of something from below her pulling down. Something was tugging her and the halo of light, the telltale sign of being transported, broke away as her body was forced backwards.

Looking down she tried to see who was yanking at her but nobody was there.

Except the silver goo on the bottom of her boot.

She went mad as she saw silver dots climb up the metal circular wall, her hands losing their grip and her body freefalling down the shaft, fear encompassing her all at once.

The foot that wasn't being pulled down hit a ring on the ladder and not missing her chance her hands wrapped around the ladder. Her foot was still being tugged at and Mattie couldn't think straight. Adrenaline overtook her other emotions as she tried to climb.

Determined to get away from the silver dots on the wall, she used her upper body to lift herself up. Her foot caught and she was almost thrown off again as the ship lurched. Inherently she realized that the ship was moving fast. A stream of silver liquid shook off the wall and Mattie avoided hitting it.

The transportation light haloed her again, but it wasn't able to completely wrap around her.

Her foot was still caught on the ring of the ladder and maybe she didn't understand why but she suddenly lifted her foot upwards, letting the boot remain lodged where it was, but freeing her body.

The shoe, metallic liquid with it, dropped to the bottom of the shaft.

And Mattie Hanson was beamed back aboard the _Enterprise_.

She landed on her knees, one hand keeping her from completely collapsing, with her hair creating a veil in front of her face. She wasn't sure if she was beamed back aboard in that manner or had just ended up that way. The room was much brighter than anything she'd seen in the past few hours and though she knew that it had to be filled with people, it was strangely still.

A hand brushed her hair out of the way.

"Hanson," McCoy's voice was gentle. His hand on her cheek made her look up. How had he gotten so close without her noticing?

"I lost my shoe," she told him.

"No offense," Abigail said from the other side of the room. "But it might have been for the best."

Her voice caused Mattie to look around the room. Carol was there as was Captain Kirk and Scotty came running in. McCoy's hand broke away from her and then he was assessing her physical state.

"Who hit you?" he demanded to know. Mattie pretended like she hadn't heard him.

He helped her stand up and Mattie blindly followed as she and the others were pulled to the Sickbay.

Kirk was floating around, speaking into his communicator with Spock, questioning Rixson and Scotty and getting on McCoy's nerves. Mattie sat on a biobed and she felt Giles beside her until suddenly he was gone and she was alone again. Numb and alone.

"Hanson," Kirk's voice made her look up. His blue eyes were bright and she thought about Carol. His face was serious. "I need you to explain what happened."

She told him some of the story, his eyes constantly on her, as she struggled to use words. She was suddenly so very tired.

"Were you hit?" he asked her.

"I fell down a maintenance shaft," she replied. She couldn't read his face, but she didn't have time to think about that as Mr. Spock came to stand beside him.

"Captain," he greeted Kirk first. "From Lieutenant Brown's version of events, it appears that the _Harwell_ was smuggling a substance that interfered with their magnetic fields in addition to creating technical interferences. Rixson, in part, has corroborated the story. Junior Lieutenant Hanson may add to our understandings of the smuggled material."

Hanson looked up, her eyes wide and round as the exhaustion wore her body down.

"Traylor said that the crew was too stupid to understand that what they were smuggling was going to destroy them."

The Captain and First Officer looked at her in interest.

"Traylor?" the Captain asked. "Had you previously known this officer?"

She nodded.

"It appears that whatever the _Harwell_ was smuggling was indeed killing the crew, explaining why each of the engineers noticed a lack of personnel," Spock thought out loud. "That being said without understanding what material was being smuggled more questions remain. I will file a report Captain."

"Thank you, Spock," Kirk nodded his head but kept his eyes trained on Hanson. When Spock left them alone he questioned her further. "You ordered Brown to run."

"Yes." She wasn't sure what he was asking.

Kirk looked like he was struggling to find the right question to ask next. His shoulders dropped slightly and he finally settled for, "You acted selflessly Ensign. Bones, patch her up would you."

The next second Bones was standing in front of her.

"I would like to leave now," she told him gingerly.

"And I would like some damn pecan pancakes," his sarcasm dripped. "Just shut up and let me patch you up already."

"I do not need to be patched up," she enunciated each word slowly.

"Which one of us is the Chief Medical Officer on this ship?"

She wished it was M'Benga but she didn't tell him that. Instead, she didn't use any of her energy on verbally sparring with him. He monitored her vitals, applied a hypo, and then cleared his throat.

Blankly she looked up.

"You'll have a nasty bruise on you for a couple of days." He looked pointedly at her cheek. She fought the urge to touch it. "Wanna tell me about it?"

"Is it a contusion or hematoma?" she questioned her injury.

"Subcutaneous hematoma." He crossed his arms over his chest.

"Should we ice it?" she asked. "It's an awkward area to apply compression. I'll need something for the swelling."

Dr. McCoy sighed. Dropping his arms he grabbed a stool, rolled it over and sat down. He ran a hand through his hair and suddenly looked tired.

"Look, Hanson." His voice lacked its usual grumpiness. "This thing you do, as a hypochondriac. We gotta work on it."

Mattie had heard that quite a few times in her life. Rosie had made her seek help a number of months ago and she was doing okay.

"I'm doing okay," she echoed.

"Would Giles agree with that?"

"That's fighting dirty," Mattie glared at him. She only asked for his medical opinion once in a while.

"I want you to see a counselor," he said.

"But I'm fine," she shook her head.

"Oh, yeah I can see that," his sarcasm picked back up. "Bruise and all."

"It's not the first hit I've taken to the face." She belatedly realized that wasn't helping her case. "I mean, I can handle the bruise. I won't freak out about it."

"Bullshit."

"Fuck you."

"Just go to the damn therapy sessions," he growled.

"Fine," she growled back. "But I won't be happy about it."

"Not my problem," he spat. He got up. "Anybody ever tell you that you're a pain in the ass."

"It's pronounced arse, you twat!"

"My point exactly." McCoy shut himself in his office.

* * *

The turbolift opened and Abigail stepped back in surprise. Then she entered the elevator standing beside Mattie. After several days off they'd finally been cleared for duty again.

Abigail shuffled nervously before finally facing Mattie.

"I'll forgive the bitch comment," she offered. "If you forgive the bitchiness?"

Mattie smiled softly.

"Deal," she readily agreed. "I mean if you almost die together you have to stick together."

"My sentiments exactly," Abigail replied. It was time they turned over a new leaf.

The doors of the turbolift opened and they entered Main Engineering.

"Look who decided to show up," John called out. He carried a large wrench upon his shoulder. "Watch out for any silver goo."

"Fuck off," Abigail walked past him.

"Inspiring words from our head of Section B," John's voice trailed after her. He'd never stop his incessant teasing. In many ways, it was the anthem of Engineering.

"Welcome back," Milo swung an arm over Mattie's shoulders.

He handed her a nut, smiling at the thought of the first time he'd spoken to her. Gratefully her hand wrapped around the hardware. She'd put it next to the boat that Oscar had carved for her.

"Thank you," she smiled widely. Nov and Scotty joined them, both giving her a hug.

"The last time I let any of my engineers go on an adventure without me," Scotty clucked.

"Seriously," Rixson walked up to the group. "He's not let me out of his sight once in the past hour."

"Well don't worry Mr. Scott," she told him. "I'm not looking to go on many adventures. I prefer the dungeon."

"The what?" he asked offended.

"I told you guys to quit calling Engineering the dungeon!" Rixson complained.

"Hey," John defended all of them. "You were the one that came up with the nickname."

Everybody turned to look at Rixson.

"Oh sod off all of you!"

* * *

*Thanks for reading and please let me know if you liked it!


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks for all the follows and favs!

* * *

 **Chapter Six: And They All Fought Like Cats and Dogs**

Months after the metallic goop incident things had barely calmed down, but as Mattie had already come to understand, the _Enterprise_ couldn't function on calm. The ship and her crew needed adventure (to McCoy's dislike) and adventure it often found (to Kirk's delight). So while the Bridge crew and more senior officers fulfilled the ship's destiny of exploring deep space, Engineering and the rest of the crew worked to ensure that they could actually continue to explore that wilderness.

The doors of the turbolift opened and Keenser blinked at Mattie from one of the catwalks. She waved in response.

Milo let out a low whistle.

"What?" Mattie blushed.

"Nothing," Milo teased. "You're just looking good. You didn't have to dress up for us now."

Mattie's red cheeks burned as she looked at her dress. She hated the stupid thing but she had gone to see Dr. Jane Jenson, the ship's main counselor and something about having an appointment made her feel the need to 'dress up'. Hence after having her meeting that morning, she'd come to work wearing the red uniform dress.

Another whistle made her turn. John gave her a thumbs up, after giving her a very John-like exaggerated once-over.

"Apparently dresses make people go crazy around here." Mattie wondered how anybody got around without being accused of sexual harassment.

"They're not impressed with your dress," Rixson remarked dryly as she walked past them. "They're impressed that you're actually wearing a regulation uniform."

Milo nodded. "I mean we all love your overalls."

"And your coveralls," Nov said.

"They pair very well with your red shirt," John also said. "But seriously how do you get away with wearing so many non-regulation things?"

Mattie made a funny face and shrugged. They all turned to eye Rixson.

"Aye, Lassie," Scotty wore large goggles on his forehead. "Nice to see ya in uniform for once. What's the special occasion?"

Mattie peered down at her outfit before back at him. "I'm going to wear a dress from now on," she declared even though she hated working in one. "Make every day a special occasion."

Scotty grinned in amusement. "Whatever you say, Lass. Rixson, we need ta talk about that coil in Section C. And Milo if you could go help Mr. Spock on the Science Deck, they're havin some problems."

"Aye sir," Milo saluted before strapping on a tool belt.

"Take someone with ya," Scotty said before he and Rixson began to discuss the coil situation in Section C. They walked away, John also picking up his tool kit and saluting them before heading back to work. That left Milo to choose between Nov and Mattie for help.

"Brown's called me down to the computer bay," Nov shrugged. "Have fun with Mr. Spock."

They nodded goodbye to her and Mattie grabbed a toolkit to take with her.

"You ever worked on the Science Deck?" Milo asked.

"No," she ducked out of the way of a communications officer sprinting down the hall. They slipped into a turbolift.

"It terrifies me," Milo admitted.

"What, why?" Mattie said with genuine surprise.

Milo shuddered. "I don't know," he spoke with a far off look on his face. "I think it has something to do with an angry Mrs. Stein, a fuming beaker, and my first heartbreak."

Mattie stared at him.

"I was fourteen to be fair." Milo jolted awake from his memories. "But science was pretty much ruined for me after that."

Mattie wrapped her arm around Milo's and forced him through the open doors of the lift. They'd only taken a step onto the Science Deck before hitting the oppressive vibe of the deck's atmosphere.

Several crewmembers in blue shirts stood around a large computer board. One woman in a lab coat, sat with her arms crossed over her chest as she frowned in thought. She wasn't the only one in a bad mood. They all appeared to be having an off day.

That was especially confirmed when Dr. Marcus came storming out of her office, a stony look on her face. Spock trailed after her.

"Carol are you alright?" Mattie tried to say, but the other woman just brushed around her without responding.

"We are experiencing technical difficulties in lab 0533," Mr. Spock addressed the Engineering pair. "In addition, the lighting in several more of our labs are not functioning."

"Okay," Milo told him. "We'll assess everything and give you an estimation on when the repairs will be finished."

Mr. Spock, failing at concealing any and all emotions, had a deep frown on his face. He barely responded and when he turned around to face the mass of officers they scattered.

"Right," Milo said once they were alone and walking down the hallway. "I'm very happy with my decision to work in Engineering."

Mattie agreed. Mr. Scott loved his ship and took his role very seriously, but he always made Engineering an enjoyable place to work. The lightheartedness that encased Scotty's department appeared to be severally lacking on the Science Deck.

Milo tapped in the access code to Lab 0533 and they both froze at the door.

"Um," Mattie stuttered. "That's a hole in the wall."

"Yeah," the word slowly rolled out of Milo's mouth. "That's…"

"A hole in the wall," Mattie said again.

The laboratory was in pristine condition except for a large hole, as if somebody had taken a bat and whacked until a large amount of damage had been inflicted.

"Should we ask?" Milo questioned.

The door behind them opened. "Our plant mutated," a science officer said from the doorway.

"Somehow that explanation is less comforting than it should be," Milo grimaced.

The officer shrugged. "It is what it is. We are after all on the _Enterprise_."

Mattie and Milo shared a look and then also shrugged. The explanation suddenly sounded pretty decent when framed that way.

Milo ended up calling in several crewmen on the maintenance shift to help with light fixtures in the other labs and then with rigging the wall back together after Milo and Mattie had fixed any wiring or larger structural issues that had accumulated.

Milo stepped back from the wall and wiped his brow. "That looks pretty good." Mattie agreed. "You know what we deserve after this?"

Mattie grinned. "Ice cream." It was a classic Milo move.

"You said it."

Mattie looked at the time. "Lucky you, our shifts just ended." Mattie perked up. "I can go change now!"

The other engineer laughed as he gathered his tools back up. "Let's see how long it takes you to quit your vow of wearing a dress every day."

"I take vows quite seriously, I'll have you know."

"Like your vow of never going to Sickbay?"

"Shut up," Mattie shoved him. "See you later."

He waved her off and Mattie practically skipped to her room to change. It was only once she was in the turbolift that she changed her mind and called out for a different deck.

Carol answered the door.

"Hi," Mattie said shyly. She had actually never been to Carol's room. The blonde Brit sighed and stepped back to allow Mattie in.

Carol looked….worse for wear. That was for sure. She was wearing black sweatpants and a thick hoodie sweatshirt. While they were comfy clothes it just felt odd for Mattie to see her in loungewear.

Her blonde hair was thrown into a short ponytail, a few frizzy strands sticking up. Her blue eyes were bright as ever, but a bit too glossy and red-rimmed.

And her room. Chaos.

Her bed was unmade and clothes were strewn across the floor. Mattie wouldn't have been surprised if her closet was entirely empty and they were all on the ground.

Carol had several books—as in actual bound paper. One sat haphazardly on her bed, almost covered by blankets while two others and a PADD were thrown on her couch.

Her room was much bigger than Mattie's, but with the rubble, a blanket, and a soaking wet towel construing the quarters, Mattie vowed to never complain about her tiny and cramped living situation again.

"Are you," Mattie breathed. "Okay?"

Carol was stiff. For a minute after the question had been asked, she stood looking out the large window, the warp speed of the ship illuminating an odd glow into the darkness of space. She twitched after taking a deep breath.

"I'm fine," her posh accent clipping every word. She always sounded so lovely, compared to Mattie's thick Northern lilt. "I think I'm just having an off day."

Mattie's eyes roved around the floor. "Um…"

"I'm not sick," Carol tried to laugh lightly, but it came out oddly.

"I know," she stated slowly. "That most days we pretend like we're okay…"

Mattie quickly wondered how they had come to have these conversations. Mattie Hanson and Carol Marcus would unfortunately always be tied together. Admiral Marcus had seen to that. Yet, their friendship was new and contained two girls who were grieving in ways that almost all of the _Enterprise_ would never know or understand.

It had to be that way.

And while they both knew it was for the greater good, it still sucked.

"It's okay to not be fine."

"I am fine." Carol's voice made Mattie jump. It was so strong. So adamant. So despondent.

Mattie wasn't sure what to do. She didn't know Carol like she knew her other friends. She couldn't leave though so after a moment she stepped through the obstacles scattered throughout the floor and sank down onto the end of the bed. Her hand brushed the book, half hidden under the covers.

 _Anne of Green Gables_

"Do you read a lot?" Mattie asked suddenly. Her fingertips lightly traced the front cover. She began to laugh. "I've never held one of these."

"What?" Carol asked. Her voice had changed from its wild tone to one that was calmer. One that just wanted to converse with someone.

"A physical book," Mattie stated. Carol sat down on the couch. "Rosie has one. Her engineering instructor at the Academy loaned her one when he was trying to convince her to change her specialization. He later let her keep it, but I never got to see it."

Carol was slow to respond. "My mother used to read to me. Her side of the family has one of the largest private collection of physical books in the UK. Some are really rare. I guess I've never realized that some people haven't even seen a book before."

"I mean it's all the same, I guess." Mattie knew that wasn't the truth though. She'd never seen a book before because she didn't come from a privileged background like Carol. "Whether it's a digital copy or not. At least that's what Maggie used to always say to me."

"Maggie?"

"Ms. Maggie," she explained. "She was my neighbor. She convinced me to join Starfleet."

Mattie didn't mention that she'd also practically been raised by the woman.

"It's my favorite one." Mattie hadn't realized she was still stroking the book until Carol spoke. "Anne."

"Is it good?"

A small smile appeared on Carol's face. "Yes. It's just a children's book, but I reread it every year at least once. And I never really get tired of it." Carol paused. "I wanted to be her. Anne. I wanted a Diana Barry. And a Gilbert. Oh god, a Gilbert. My first fictional crush."

Mattie's smile was genuine despite not knowing the characters that Carol referred to.

"My dad would read it out loud to me after my mum passed away." Her voice was watery and Mattie came closer to understanding the pain that afflicted Carol. "My mum loved Anne just as much as me. When he read the story to me… it was like we were still a family, despite her not being there."

Mattie stared at the cover, politely ignoring the tears that fell down Carol's cheeks.

"What do you do when all you have left of your family is a fucking story about an orphan?"

Mattie bit her lip, feeling her own emotion bubble up. She cleared her throat. "Do what I do," she finally said. "And hold on tight to Rose and Suzy."

It may not have been the best advice, but it was really the only thing that Mattie could offer up. Carol swiped at her cheek.

"Right, we'll start a little club." Carol's words were laced with acid. "One for everybody who's been fucked over by my father."

Mattie found it hard to face Carol. She wasn't innocent. She wasn't sure if she could ever fully blame everything she'd ever done on Admiral Marcus. She'd had a choice. She'd helped….

"It's his birthday today." Carol's admission presented Mattie with an excuse to abandon her thoughts. "It's his birthday and I hate that because I hate him."

Her words were knives, cutting through the stiff air of anger that clung to her. Her pain and sadness, more and more, wrapped around her like a blanket. Mattie didn't know how to tell her that eventually it would suffocate her. Maybe she didn't say that to Carol because she was too busy keeping her own blanket of past regrets from strangling her too.

Yes. That's exactly why she didn't say anything.

"All I think of is him and his stupid, nasty mistakes."

Nasty mistakes.

Mattie swallowed as Carol continued to rant, her eyes growing wider in her anger, but her face crushing as she spoke. Mattie didn't know what to say…

* * *

Leonard McCoy wasn't constantly in a bad mood like everybody thought he was. It wasn't his fault that everybody was so damn stupid on this ship. If they'd just stop and think for once, just once, then maybe he'd crack a smile. Maybe for once, he'd be sure he wasn't going to die at the hands of some alien that Jim had pissed off. Maybe for once, he'd be sure that Jim, himself wasn't going to die. And hell, Spock was supposed to be the logical one around here and yet, Leonard had had to put him back together his fair share of times.

So, no, Leonard McCoy that morning was not in a bad mood. He was in his normal, regular, constantly having to make sure that nobody got themselves and everybody else killed, sort of mood.

And it was because he was in that mood, his mind fixating on what he needed to do that morning to make sure that nobody got hurt, that he ran into Mattie Hanson on her way out of Sickbay.

The PADD in her hand dropped to the floor and she stumbled backwards.

Despite the reputation for having a bad bedside manner, he was a gentleman, his southern mother beating that into him from a young age. His hands instantly grabbed Mattie's shoulders to stop her from completely toppling over.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he barked, the accusation stemming more from his shock and surprise than any actual anger.

Mattie blinked wildly in confusion before they settled on him. Then she rolled them. "Me?" she squeaked. "I'm not the one rugby tackling people coming out of Sickbay."

"Rugby tackle?" he said with distaste. "What the hell are you on about."

The southern gentlemen in him made him swoop down and grab the PADD that had dropped.

"What is this?" he rotated the screen. He instantly knew it was a medical text because of the illustration on the page, but damned if he could read it.

She snatched it back. "M'Benga lent it to me."

"Is that Vulcan?" McCoy guessed. M'Benga had a background in Vulcan medicine, but why the hell was he handing out medical textbooks to a hypochondriac. She might irritate the hell out of him, but McCoy was serious in treating her illness anxiety. M'Benga on the other hand, apparently seemed hell bent on fueling it.

"Yes," she sniffed before moving around him to walk away.

He spun around to keep her insight. Why was she wearing a dress? He could only think of one other time he'd seen her wearing a regulation Starfleet uniform. It had been the first time she'd snuck into his Sickbay.

"Hang on a second," he made her stop. "What were you doing here?"

She turned around and kept her face blank. She'd given him the cold shoulder, not that she even knew him well enough to be doing that, since he'd first scheduled her meeting with Dr. Jenson.

"Quarterly physical with Dr. Smith," she told him.

"Oh." He about kicked himself for such a stupid response. She wasn't concerned though as she'd already run off.

McCoy frowned at her retreating red dress and went back to thinking about how it was about time that an actual goddamn adult was in charge of the _Enterprise_. He'd only ever be able to dream about that though.

Dammit, he was a doctor on a fucking spaceship. Where the hell had his life gone so damn wrong?

There was a series of answers to that. His father, his shitty marriage, the off chance of meeting fucking Jim Kirk.

Fucking Jim Kirk.

His grumbling didn't stop, it only increased as he sat himself down behind his desk, intent on getting through the never ending backlog of paperwork that was required of him. It had to have been hours before he looked up only to find Jim sitting opposite him.

"Jesus," he swore. "Where the hell did you come from?"

"How long has it been since you last moved?" Jim had a funny look on his face as he studied the doctor.

McCoy dropped the stylus in his hand. "What are you here for again?"

Jim sighed and McCoy inwardly groaned. Great, the kid was all mopey.

"Carol won't talk to me."

Great, the kid was all mopey cause of his feelings.

McCoy stretched his arms above his head, his limbs enjoying the movement. He rolled his neck next. "I don't blame her. Half the time I don't want to talk to you."

Jim shook his head, the solemn expression on his face remaining. "This is serious Bones. Spock relieved her of her duty for the day."

McCoy's eyebrows raised. "Shit, is she okay?"

"I don't know," Jim whined. "That's the point. She won't talk to me! As the captain, I have to be concerned with her performance. As her…friend, I'm concerned that she doesn't even want to look at me."

McCoy thought carefully before he spoke. "Jim, which one do you need to be right now? Captain or guy that wants to get into her pants?"

"Don't say it like that," he grumbled. "And right now I am being the captain. I understand how serious it is that she was relieved from duty. It's just how as a captain can I really help if she won't even say anything to me!"

"Don't worry about her saying anything to you," McCoy said. "Worry about her just talking to anybody. Have Uhura check in, or if she doesn't want to get involved because of Spock sick Chekov on her. He's surprisingly good at prying information out of people. It's the damn puppy dog face he's got."

Jim let out a deep breath and McCoy was bothered to feel his heartstrings tug a little.

"Look." Since they both weren't technically on shift he'd take a risk. One glass of bourbon wasn't going to kill them. He poured a glass for each of them. "We've been in space for nearly six months with one day of shore leave. It's getting on everybody's nerves."

"I know," the Captain agreed. "If we can just hold out a little bit longer."

McCoy finished off his drink. It had gone down too quickly, but he was wise enough not to pour a second glass.

The office door opened and M'Benga appeared in the dimly lit office. "Drinking on the job, Captain?" the man teased. Kirk held his drink up in salute, smirking all the while. He could certainly pull off cocky bastard well. M'Benga handed the CMO a PADD, needing his signature. "I for the record never get invited to drinks by Dr. McCoy."

"Fuck off," Leonard handed the device back to him. M'Benga feigned offence and began to exit. "Hang on," he quickly called out. It made M'Benga stop before opening the door to leave. "What the hell were you thinking giving out a medical text to Hanson?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." M'Benga acted coy.

"What the hell are you on about, giving a hypochondriac a medical textbook. We're supposed to be working on her anxiety."

"Well maybe we should be working on your anxiety," M'Benga swatted back.

The doctor's defense made Jim look up in interest from his drink. As Captain, and Bones' friend, he had been privy to many arguing matches between the two, but this one was different. This one involved a girl.

"I don't have any," McCoy lied. "Just stop giving her unnecessary medical advice, already."

"Quit treating her like an idiot," M'Benga said instead. "She's reading an advanced medical textbook in an alien language."

"How does she know Vulcan so well?" Jim wondered out loud.

"I'm not treating her like an idiot," McCoy ignored Jim. "I'm treating you like an idiot. So just quit it."

M'Benga cocked his head. "You know she must really bother you."

"What the hell are you on about?" McCoy huffed.

"She can't stand you," M'Benga said. "And that annoys the hell out of you."

Jim's interest peaked. "Is this true Bones?"

Leonard continued to ignore him while he considered his options. Did he yell at M'Benga now or later?

"A pretty young blonde thing who has a thing for medical attention," M'Benga said as dramatically as Jim would have and that pissed McCoy off even more. And dammit Jim just so happened to be listening to all this crap. "Except she hates your guts. That must make an already frustrated doctor…." M'Benga seemed to be enjoying himself a bit too much now. "Even more frustrated."

"Is this true Bones?" Jim asked again. "Are you…frustrated by Junior Lieutenant Hanson?"

"Get out of my office," McCoy narrowed his eyes. "Both of you."

Only M'Benga ended up leaving while Jim just sat back in his chair looking a little too gleeful for Leonard's taste.

"What the hell is your problem?" McCoy grumbled. "Quit looking at me like that!"

Jim smirked. "You got a little thing for Mattie Hanson, huh?"

"No," his voice was firm. "I do not have a thing for Mattie Hanson. And don't say that ever again. M'Benga's just being a moron."

"I don't know." Jim finished his drink off. "You seem a bit too defensive about it."

He chose to ignore him, but it didn't stop the kid from continuing to run his mouth.

"Is it true what M'Benga said though?" Jim studied his friend closely. "Does she not even like coming into the Sickbay because she doesn't like you."

"I don't know why the hell not," McCoy defended. "All I've ever done is patch her up."

She'd had her fair share of incidents that needed medical attention. For fuck sakes, she'd nearly been burned alive that one time. McCoy shook his head. Usually, he didn't want any stupid redshirts running to his Sickbay, so why were they suddenly discussing one that tried to avoid it.

The answer was simple. Mattie Hanson was fiercely and ferociously concerned with her health and yet would rather avoid the Chief Medical Officer at all costs than coming to him with any of those concerns.

But no, Leonard wasn't bothered by that. He was too old and grumpy to be bothered by something as stupid as that.

Jim's communicator chirped. "Captain," Uhura's voice called out. "You are needed on the Bridge."

"Acknowledged," Jim replied. "Why don't you come along, Bones. You look like you could use the walk."

He didn't want to admit it, but the kid was right. He could use the excuse to leave his office and the walk and fresh air might make the rest of his never ending job as CMO go by a little easier.

So he fought the urge to yell at M'Benga as they exited through the medical bay and were headed towards the turbolift when Jim perked up at the sound of Carol Marcus's voice.

Of course, she wasn't speaking to Jim. Instead, she was chasing after Mattie.

"Mattie," she pleaded. "Hang on." Mattie's shoulders dropped when she heard Carol's voice. "Wait," the science officer grabbed her shoulder and caused her to look back. "I just…I wanted to say sorry. I don't know if I offended you last night, but if I did, I'm so sorry."

McCoy turned slightly to look at Jim's face, which he kept blank, a skill that as a Captain he had perfected. It just so happened though that McCoy knew Jim enough to know that while his face was blank his blue eyes were gravely concerned while he watched the girl that he desperately wished he could be with.

Dammit. Leonard's heartstrings tugged again ever so slightly which was stupid since Jim would sleep with anybody that would let him. That was the problem though. Jim didn't want to sleep with Carol, he wanted to just be with her. That's why McCoy actually felt sorry for the guy.

Mattie shrugged lightly, loosening her shoulder from Carol's grasp.

"It's fine," she said in a tired voice.

Carol tried again. "Mattie, please if I offended you. I just… you left upset, I think."

Mattie hesitated before swinging around, her cheeks flushed. "I am that nasty mistake," she said and McCoy didn't understand what the argument was about. Carol stepped backwards. "I am that nasty mistake that you talked about last night."

Carol took another small step back. She shook her head. "I'm sorry," she stuttered. "Sorry," she said again as she whirled around and quickly left.

Mattie swallowed, sighed, and then turned down another corridor.

"We really need shore leave," McCoy sighed. Kirk sighed too.

* * *

Mattie was tired. She was scheduled for Alpha shift and while she was generally used to working the early day or evening shifts, her body was tired. Her limbs felt heavy and to her alarm the skin under her eyes was puffy.

It had been the week from hell and Mattie blamed it all on the Science Deck. At least that's where she knew that it had all started. The bad mood from the science officers spread throughout the ship, knocking out anybody who was left standing until finally the entire ship was ready to call it quits.

They needed shore leave. Milo said everything would be resolved if they could just get a small break, but there wasn't any in sight. That left the _Enterprise_ stuck in deep space with everybody ready to claw one another because they were so damn weary of being stuck on a spaceship.

It felt earlier than it really was, the 'Day' lighting not switched on yet. It was unusual to see the hallways as empty as they were and even the Mess Hall was under populated. People weren't focused on getting odd tasting food. They were just focused on getting through their shifts, taking every extra second of alone time before a shift began just to have to a moment of peace to themselves.

She didn't see him at first. She hardly ever interacted with Mr. Spock. He was always on the Bridge or more often than not keeping Captain Kirk from getting himself killed on away missions. So seeing him twice in one week was unusual.

"Good morning," he nodded his head as she entered the turbolift. She nodded back and then they were quiet for a moment.

"Is," she startled herself by speaking. "Is Carol Marcus back on shift?"

Mr. Spock possibly thought she was being impertinent by asking a question that she really had no business asking. While she was slightly sore at Carol's earlier choice of words, she still felt the need to make sure that her friend was doing better. It might have made her weak that she didn't do this face to face with Carol, but it did make her human.

"Dr. Marcus," Spock hid his disapproval of the question. "Will not be returning to duty today."

Mattie stared at her shoes, not sure what to think. She was mad yes, because Carol had unintentionally said something that hurt Mattie, but she knew that Carol had just as much to be upset at.

"You shouldn't have done it."

Mr. Spock looked at her strangely, like he was unsure why or what she was speaking about.

"I'm sorry, Junior Lieutenant Hanson?"

"You shouldn't have relieved her of duty." Mattie knew that she should be biting her words back, but she didn't anyway.

Mr. Spock frowned. "Dr. Marcus's emotional state did not allow for her to fulfill her professional duty aboard this ship. As the ship's First Officer, I had the right to relieve her of her duty." Mr. Spock snapped his mouth shut as if he didn't appreciate having his authority questioned. One second later he said so. "While I understand that you and Dr. Marcus are close, your concern does not merit a review of my right to relieve Dr. Marcus of her duty."

"I'm not reviewing your right," Mattie said quietly. Her admission made Spock wrongly assume that the matter was over. "I just think it makes you an arsehole."

Spock's eyebrows almost hit the ceiling. "I'm sorry?"

"It makes you an arsehole," she said again evenly.

Her eyes were trained on the doors of the lift, which irritated Spock. Taken aback was putting it lightly, after all, Spock had dealt with Jim Kirk the past several years. He was not sure how to respond to a lesser ranking officer who so blatantly allowed her emotions to propel her to address him in such a manner.

"Junior Lieutenant Hanson," he remained calm. "I advise you to reconsider your actions."

She would not look at him or say anything else and he found that that bothered him as he wondered why she concerned herself so much with Dr. Marcus. It was sensible of him to want to understand what compelled her to question a higher ranking officer.

"You do not agree with my actions, suspending Dr. Marcus from her position?" he asked her with the serious intention of understanding her motives.

"I do not," she said.

"Why not?"

"Because you should be more concerned not with her job performance, but her mental state." She finally whirled around to face him as he also stood to attention.

"Was I not concerned with her mental state when I relieved her from duty? I assure you my intentions were especially concerned with her emotional state."

"So you cut her off from the one thing that would help her deal with the pain of losing her father?

"If I correctly understand your line of reasoning, then am I right in believing that you are also implying that I did not respond to Dr. Marcus with human compassion as you believe I should have."

"Yes, you should have shown her compassion," Mattie agreed.

"I assure you I did not lack human compassion, despite my heritage." He assumed that she was trying to throw a barb at his ancestry—a common complaint he had lived with his entire life.

Mattie spewed, which again threw Spock for a loop. "I'm not implying that you made a shitty mistake as a human, I'm saying that you made a shitty mistake as a Vulcan."

Spock's eyebrows raised again, once more being taken completely aback by her statement. He had every right too. He was normally faulted for his lack of human tendencies, not for his Vulcan ones.

"You believe my error…" he searched for the right words. "Was Vulcan in nature."

The doors of the turbolift opened, but neither paid any mind to it or who stood waiting outside.

"Of course it was," Mattie griped. "You didn't use logic, in fact, you ignored it completely."

"How was it not logical to relive Dr. Marcus from her station when she suffered under duress."

"She wasn't under duress," Mattie fought. "She was having a bad day because she's still grieving."

"Her grief," Spock cut in. "Hindered her performance. By allowing her a couple of days she will be able to regain her composure."

"You punished her," Mattie stated.

"I do not follow."

"She's grieving and you cut her off from any normalcy she's got left instead of taking the time to understand what she truly needed. Logically her health will only suffer if you cut her off from the only place she feels safe these days."

"And what of her work," Spock asked. "Which directly impacts the ship?"

"You could have easily reassigned her somewhere that would not cause harm to others."

Spock took a deep breath. "It is easy to assert that view, but your use of logic is flawed. I conducted myself to Starfleet standards, thereby I took a well-established course of action with the intentions of keeping the _Enterprise_ and her crew safe."

"And was it Starfleet standards that helped you grieve?"

Mr. Spock hesitated. "Once again, I am not sure I correctly understand your line of thought."

"The _Enterprise_ became your home when Vulcan was destroyed. It allowed you to recreate a sense of community that you emotionally benefitted from. And I've been on this ship long enough to know that Captain Kirk probably bent the rules a time or two when he saw you struggling."

"The _Enterprise_ is a home to all its crew," Spock replied coolly. "And your claims of Captain Kirk bending the rules in this manner are unfounded."

"Since when do you cover for Kirk?"

They both turned to see Dr. McCoy in the doorway. They ignored him.

"Vulcans grieve, just like humans, you may pretend like you don't feel pain for those you lost, but I know that's a lie."

"Vulcan's do not lie," Spock's voice was the strongest it had been.

"And apparently they don't care to understand why one of their top officers is struggling to perform her duties. If you had worked towards figuring that out, a better, a more logical solution, would have been found."

"I find your argument on logic relies heavily on assumptions so I will refrain from responding other than to advise you to return to your station immediately."

"You want logic?" Mattie nearly yelled. "How bout this for logic. I lost somebody six years, one month, and three days ago. That should be enough time to mourn right? So why on occasions do I find myself at certain times of the day feeling like I'm going to die from sadness. It's been less than that since you've lost your mother. And since Carol lost her father. Grief is a _continuing_ emotion. If you want to be Vulcan about it and forget emotion, _grief is also in our actions and behaviors_. You behave in a manner so that you cling on to this ship and to Captain Kirk and to your girlfriend.

"Carol doesn't have that. She has this ship, which reminds her every day of how her father almost killed the entire crew. She feels guilt and shame and you know what? You made her feel even more ashamed of that by then telling her she couldn't even spend time on the one last thing she has to cling to. So your logic, the logic that told you to send Carol on her way instead of addressing the realities of her grief, was flawed." Mattie stopped to catch her breath. Spock looked appalled and she was sure it was because of her erratic behavior. "You were illogical."

The turbolift was quiet. Mattie was breathing heavily, almost at a loss that she cared so much for her friend.

"Sending Carol away isn't giving her time to gain her composure," Mattie breathed. "It was isolating her further."

Spock did not respond. She doubted that it was a good sign though. He clasped his hands behind his back, walked around Dr. McCoy and left her to catch her breath.

Shit. Mattie felt all her adrenaline leave her as she realized that there were grounds for her immediate removal, and it really would be all her fault. She'd let her anger get the better of her and that would only cause Carol more grief.

"Are you out of your goddamn mind?" McCoy growled at her.

She looked up at him having forgotten that he was there in the first place. He held a PADD in one hand and his perpetual grumpy face was angry. Well, he didn't get to be angry at her.

She slid past him, but he followed at her shoulder.

"Leave me alone," she mumbled.

"Are you out of your fucking mind, yelling at the First Officer like that?" he reached out to stop her from moving.

"This doesn't concern you," she swatted at him. She entered one of the Jeffries tubes, taking the stairs as the turbolift was now permanently tainted by her stupidity. She clamored down the stairs, irritated that McCoy still followed.

"How the hell do I get it through your head," McCoy seethed. "That what you just did, is not okay!"

"What the fuck do you care for!" she exploded again. They stopped on the staircase and he towered over her, a couple steps above her. "What the fuck do you care for? Shouldn't you be happy? I've pissed off the First Officer. No more hypochondriac for you to deal with! How lucky for you, prick."

"You're name calling me?" McCoy's voice dropped dangerously low and Mattie suddenly understood that that was much worse than his usual yelling. "Trust me, sweetheart, I'm all for arguing with the hobgoblin, but I get to because I've got the damn rank. It's my job to make sure that you're healthy, hypochondriasis and all, so grow the fuck up and stop acting like I'm the pain in the ass."

"You are," Mattie childishly responded. Her cheeks were red and her blood pumping.

McCoy's eyes flashed. "I'm sorry that you think so because I know for a fact that the only pain in the ass is you!"

He took a step down so that his face was dangerously close to hers. She didn't step back though. She'd never back down to someone like Dr. Leonard McCoy—annoying, always had to be right Dr. Leonard McCoy.

"You pass by the Sickbay every fucking day, all the damn time," McCoy said. "You act like you're all better because you don't come in but we both know that's a lie and I've got news for you. I run a Sickbay that is used to care for urgent matters not to cater to your imaginary needs."

McCoy stopped short, automatically registering that he had gone too far. Her cheeks were still red, but there was a sadness there too. Steeling himself up, he put one hand on the rail and made himself take a step back.

"Just fucking apologize to Spock already." He rubbed at the back of his neck as he turned around and stormed off.

Mattie stood on the stairs. Her body was cold, but it burned at the same time. It was hard to breathe, but she forced herself to take big gulps of air as her skin crawled.

She was a minute late to her shift. Rixson and Brown weren't around so she deemed herself lucky considering that she was already in deep shit. John might have said something to her, but she didn't really understand what he said.

She was doing okay.

She didn't spend time in Sickbay. What Dr. McCoy had said was a load of crap, because so what if she walked past the Sickbay a couple times a day? She didn't go in. She didn't ask Giles about the plethora of diseases that she was at a high risk of by being in space.

 _But you do have a disease._

The thought, the idea, the truth, whatever it was floated in Mattie's mind. Her body hurt as it fought off the waves of burning anxiety and panic that rumbled.

Your mind is a fucking disease Mattie Hanson, she said to herself. It was all in her head, the fear of having a disease.

But if she got hurt…she couldn't go to the Sickbay. Not after what had just happened with Dr. McCoy. That meant that if she got hurt on duty today she would be screwed.

She was supposed to be working on a turbine, but what if she cut her hand on the steel bolts? There was grease and possibly rust. No, no Scotty wouldn't let the _Enterprise_ have rust on it. She was being stupid.

The water would be dirty. What if she fucked the turbine up so badly that water spewed all on her? Water toxicity was not properly tested in Engineering as it was not for consumption, but that meant that it could possibly lead to getting a rash or accidently catching a bacterial infection.

No, she was fine.

She did not have a disease and her hands were not shaking as she worked with a wrench. It was just a tricky bolt.

Milo's hand encased one of hers making her look up and notice somebody for the first time in a while.

Milo's eyes searched hers. They were kind, green and worried. He squeezed her hand before letting go and taking a step back. "Go take a break."

"I can't," the words cracked from her dry mouth.

"I'll tell Brown and Rixson you aren't feeling well," he insisted. He gently tugged the wrench from her shaking hand. She balled her fist to get it to stop.

"I'm," she stopped not knowing what to say. He just nodded, his eyes still concerned.

"It's okay," he assured though he was seriously worried that she wasn't. "We can cover your shift. Just go take a break."

To her horror she suddenly realized her mouth was trembling too and knowing that she was about to lose it, about to cry over all the pretend diseases that she didn't have, she nodded to Milo in thanks and hurried away.

* * *

Carol closed her eyes and took a deep breath before knocking on the door. It opened automatically for her and she walked into Captain Kirk's office.

"Captain Kirk," she nodded her head. His sharp blue eyes observed her and his face was blank, which bothered her. She wanted to know what he thought of her. She wanted to know if he was disappointed that Mr. Spock had relieved her of her duty or if he was angry.

Well, at least she had actually showered and brushed her hair for the meeting. It helped her feel better as Jim's eyes wouldn't leave her alone.

"Take a seat," he offered. She took one.

"I'm sorry," she blurted before he got the chance to say anything. She crushed her eyes closed as her face scrunched up in embarrassment, her emotion boiling over into the sincere apology. "I'm so sorry, Captain Kirk. I shouldn't have argued with Mr. Spock, he had every right to suspended me from my work."

"Carol," Kirk sighed. "Just stop, it's okay."

"It's okay?" she said in disbelief. She opened her eyes back up. "I deserve disciplinary action."

"You've already been relieved from duty," Kirk replied. "We'll call that even unless you'd like a more serious consequence."

Carol sat back in her chair. "Then…this meeting?"

"It's to make sure you're okay," Kirk told her. She frowned. "Um," he worked hard on not nervously fidgeting. "Mr. Spock has requested that you're back at your station by tomorrow."

Carol shook her head in confusion. "Really?"

Kirk nodded. "Junior Lieutenant Hanson apparently had a few words with him."

"Oh no," Carol shook her head even more. "Please, don't fault her for coming to my defense. She shouldn't have gone to Spock like that, but."

"I actually wouldn't have known that she said anything to him," Kirk admitted. "Earlier today he came to speak to me about assigning you back on duty with no mention of her involvement. It wasn't until I spoke with Bones, that I found out it wasn't his own plan." Kirk shrugged his shoulders with boyish charm. "As far as I'm concerned Hanson didn't speak to Spock out of turn."

Carol could only imagine what Mattie had said to Spock, but she knew that Mattie deserved a thank you, even though she'd never asked her for any help.

"Carol," Kirk said again. "I don't like it when you ignore me."

Carol's eyes came to meet his.

He rubbed at the back of his neck, his skin prickling as he tried to remain cool despite the mild alarm that spread through him by trying to admit something to her.

"I think," he breathed. "That you know that I care about you."

"Jim."

He raised a hand to stop her. "No, it's fine, maybe even better if you don't say anything back. Just know that I always want to know if you're okay and that usually, I can't get you out of my mind." He hesitated. "I know what it's like to grieve for a father, though our situations are vastly different, if you ever need time to just breath or if you want a quiet spot to work and think then just tell me because I'm not much of a captain if I can't bend the rules a bit for somebody I care about."

Overwhelmed, Carol blinked. "Thank you," she finally settled on. He only nodded, but his blue eyes told her that the answer was enough. For now, at least.

Carol stood up and so did Jim. It was awkward. Awkward, because they both cared for one another and awkward because they wouldn't do anything about it.

"Dinner?" he suggested and she nodded gratefully.

They walked out of his office and were headed towards the Mess Hall when Spock joined them.

"Dr. Marcus," he bowed his head in greeting.

"Mr. Spock," she said nervously.

"I wish to apologize for the course of action I took. It was illogical to relieve you of duty."

Carol and Jim shared an appalled look.

"Mr. Spock," Carol said. "You had every right to relieve me of duty. I was not performing as I should have and of course, you should have sent me away to collect myself."

"Dr. Marcus, do you find your work to be therapeutic?" Spock strangely asked.

Carol thought about it for a moment. "I wouldn't call it therapeutic," she said slowly. "I…I like having something to do though. I find that if I don't my mind goes crazy."

The answer seemed to satisfy him and Carol was eager to know what Mattie had said to him.

"I apologize," Spock said once more.

"You never apologize to me," Kirk whined.

"On multiple occasions, you might recall," Spock began to defend himself.

Carol rolled her eyes but allowed herself her first tiny smile of the day. As a group, they began to walk towards the Mess Hall when she suddenly felt somebody by her shoulders. She stopped while Kirk and Spock hung back, waiting for her as they playfully bickered.

"Excuse me," somebody said to her. She knew he looked familiar but she couldn't place him. "Alejandro Giles," he explained. "I work in the Sickbay and am friends with Mattie. Milo asked me to look for her, but I haven't been able to find her."

"What?" Carol didn't understand how she was missing.

"Milo said she left shift early because she wasn't doing too well," he said. "I've looked up and down the ship, but I can't find her. Milo was able to override the access code to her room and she's not there. She's been gone since Alpha shift."

It was now close to the end of Beta shift. His eyes swam with concern and Carol knew that the situation had to be bad if he was willing to come get her.

"She'll be in the hanger," Carol automatically replied. Giles face lit up with a mixture of confusion and hope.

"The hanger?"

Carol nodded, somehow sure of it. "Yes," she started to walk fast. "Sorry, I'll see you tomorrow," she called over her shoulder to Kirk and Spock who watched her in confusion. Then she looked back at Giles. "It's okay," she promised. "I've got this."

He nodded, his face still serious, but he had to trust that she would help his friend.

"Mattie," Carol called out. As they were in deep space it was rare to need a shuttle and as nobody from command supply was messing with any shipping containers, the shuttle bay was empty. "Mattie," she called out again.

Mattie had spent a lot of time working in hangers. Mattie and Suzy had told her on a number of occasions that they were accustomed to taking naps anywhere in the various hangers they worked in. The shuttle bay was the closest to recreating what a hanger was like, with ships grounded and various shuttles needing repairs. She had to be hiding around here somewhere.

Carol started to peek around. It was a huge space to search and she tried to remember any details that could help her. Suzy had once asked her if she'd ever seen the underside of a ship. Carol bent down as she walked, not minding the fact that she looked silly and foolish as she scanned beneath the rows of shuttles.

"Mattie?" She bent down lower. Sure enough underneath one of the shuttles, Mattie sat with her knees tucked up to her chest. Carol examined the shuttle wondering how she fit underneath the smaller ship. Taking a step down, Carol realized that how the ship was parked it was easier than one thought to crouch underneath it and sit. There had to even be at least half a meter of headspace to spare.

"Mattie," she said again as she scooted towards the girl. She was on the edge of the parking space. Carol realized that there was a nice little drop over the ledge.

She wondered if Suzy had ever slept anywhere like this.

Mattie's hands were wrapped around her legs. She was wearing a dress and Carol had been meaning to ask why she had started to wear them more often. Her skin was an unhealthy shade of pale and her eyes were red-rimmed, but she looked like she was too tired to cry anymore.

Carol reached a hand out to touch her upper arm.

"Please tell me what's wrong." Carol knew that in that moment she was replacing Suzy or Rose, possibly even Eddie, who often helped her with her anxiety. She thought she was a poor replacement in comparison, but Mattie had defended her earlier insufferable behavior to Spock so she had to try.

Mattie sniffed. She rubbed her cheek before brushing her hair back. "I was supposed to work on a turbine today. But I can't go to the Sickbay so I can't get hurt so I can't work. Because if I work I could get hurt and then I wouldn't be able to go to Sickbay and then I would get sick and then…" Mattie broke off to take a shaky breath as Carol rubbed her back.

"Why can't you go to Sickbay?" Carol asked softly.

"Because I'm a nuisance," Mattie said plainly.

"No, you're not," Carol told her.

"Not according to the CMO." Mattie stared upwards. There wasn't much to see as the shuttle cut off any view of the wider shuttle bay. That left just the underside of the shuttle to really look at.

Carol thought carefully for a reply. "Screw him."

Mattie cut to look at her.

She simply shrugged her shoulders. "He's miserably grumpy and all he ever does is complain that he can't get the captain to come to his physicals."

"But he's right," Mattie said. "I thought I was getting better," she bit her lip. "And what's awful…is that in a lot of ways with my anxiety, I am a lot better than I once was. I know that anybody who has known me for a while would agree. So I hate that everybody around here looks at me like I'm crazy when I've been so much worse."

Carol squeezed her arm. "Your actions speak of your perseverance. I see that. You have worked a long way to get to where you are. Working on Starfleet's flagship. Last week in the lounge I overheard Mr. Scott _and Rixson_ saying that they liked your work. And those two are notoriously hard to impress. In the past six months you've saved Lieutenant Brown, made the ship more energy efficient, and continued to work on your illness anxiety. That last one alone is hard work."

Mattie didn't say anything.

"It's okay sometimes to not be okay," Carol said. "I mean…we're fucked up."

Mattie's laugh was grim and slightly humorless, but it still felt better to laugh than cry again. "Maybe you were right about that club you wanted to start."

"I'm sorry," Carol said. "When I said that I hated my father's nasty mistakes, I didn't realize. I would never refer to you as that."

"It's okay," she shrugged lightly. "It shouldn't have upset me like it did."

"But it did," she insisted. "I'm sorry."

"Carol," Mattie met her eyes. "It was my choice to work for your father. You've got to stop feeling guilty about everything he did. I know that's a lot easier said than done, but Rosie, Suzy, and I…. we made choices and we're always going to carry them with us. I think we have enough guilt between the three of us about what we did, what we contributed to, without taking you down as well."

Something flashed across Carol's face. Her shoulders dropped as Mattie's words rolled across her. "We really are fucked up, aren't we. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be on this ship."

"Everybody here wants you on this ship," Mattie told her. "You don't annoy the shit out of them."

"I think Spock might disagree with that," Carol laughed. "You yelled at him?"

"I," she hesitated. "Defended you."

Carol smiled. "You shouldn't have."

"I had to," Mattie said. "We're in a club together."

"So this is your hideout?"

Mattie looked around. "Kinda. I just found it but I really like it."

"You're a bit weird Mattie Hanson," Carol said.

"I've been told that a time or two," she said lightly.

An easy silence hung around them. There was so much more that they could say, that they probably should say, but they were tired.

Then Carol surprised Mattie again. "I almost slept with Jim Kirk."

"What," Mattie stuttered. "When?"

"Before the _Enterprise_ was even working again," she admitted. "We were both in San Francisco. I'd visited him a few times when he was in the hospital and then I was at headquarters when they were still grilling me for every detail I ever knew about my father. I ran into him and we had dinner. It was just supposed to be a quick catch up, but then he was walking me back to where I was staying and it was late and dark and then we were in the hallway of my building and…we kissed and kept, you know, kissing."

Mattie's eyebrows were to her hairline.

Carol's hands nervously moved in her lap. "It was just this moment you know, we had this moment and of course we stopped," she broke off. "I think we stopped because we were both afraid of what would have happened if it had happened. Does that make sense?"

"Sorta."

"Like if we'd slept with one another than we'd have to figure other stuff out too. So now I'm on this ship every day and I think he has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen, but I hate when he looks at me because he looks at me and," she stuttered.

"And he sees you," Mattie said softly. She rubbed the girl's arm. "It's okay to like him. To want to be with him."

"Be with him," Carol spouted like she couldn't believe what those words meant.

"And I thought I was the fearful one," Mattie deadpanned.

Carol started to laugh again. "What are we going to do?" she asked. "We can't keep living in fear."

"Easier said than done," Mattie sighed.

"First things first," Carol began seriously. "We're going to somehow get out from under this shuttle. I guess by crawling. Then we're going to come up with a strategy to help with your hypochondriac tendencies, which you're never going to feel ashamed about again," she met the girl's eyes evenly. Mattie doubted that, but she nodded anyway. "And we're going to agree that it's okay for us on some days to not be okay. Because you can't go through what we have, i.e. me having a psychotic father and you once secretly working for that said psychotic father, and not have bad days."

"You once asked me how I did it," Mattie said suddenly. "How I handled dealing with a past that nobody can ever know about. It's not really true though. I'm lucky because I could be on any other ship, completely alone. I'm not though because you're here."

"I'm not sure that's very lucky," Carol tried to deny.

"No," Mattie was resolute. "We may have been forced together, but I can definitely call you my friend now. A good one at that."

Carol grinned. "Thank you, Mattie Hanson."

* * *

The turbolift doors opened and Mr. Spock registered surprise when he saw Mattie waiting for the lift. She too was surprised, rocking back on her heels before gaining the courage to say something as the First Officer got out.

"Mr. Spock," she started. He waited for her. "I wanted to say sorry. I shouldn't have ever even asked you about Carol, or…well, I've been in Starfleet a number of years and I should absolutely know not to talk to a superior like I did."

Her words made Spock think about a certain captain. He had certainly been in Starfleet a number of years and his behavior on most days was considerably worse than Hanson's.

"I accept your apology," Spock said graciously. "I have…learned a thing or two which I will utilize as an officer in Starfleet."

"Really?" the word slipped out in her surprise.

"Yes," Spock said. "You reminded me that grief can encompass us all. There is a perception that Vulcans do not feel, which is wrong. The loss of my home planet has ensured that I will grieve in ways which I myself may not know yet. You were correct in mentioning that grief does not just have emotional symptoms, but physical and behavioral. I believe Captain Kirk would greatly agree with the last one if we were to examine his Iowa police records."

Mattie tried hard not to grin.

"I lost my mother and I will always have a sense of duty to her. Therefore the work I conduct on this ship is compromised to some degree by my grief."

"You shouldn't say compromised," she shook her head. "Your mum would be so proud to see all that you've accomplished onboard. You represent both Earth and New Vulcan to a high degree. Grief doesn't have to be bad," as she said it she realized how true that was.

"No," Spock might have been smiling lightly. His dark eyes searched her. "Forgive me, if I may be the one to speak out of turn this time, but you must have lost somebody very close if you continue to calculate the time of loss."

Mattie took a deep breath. "I'm kinda the opposite of you." The words sounded funny. She hardly ever said them, that's why. The last time she had ever said anything had been four years ago when she finally told it to Rosie when she'd found her crying. "My daughter died. SIDS."

If she had said too much or made him feel uncomfortable he did not give anything away.

"Grief does not have to be bad," he repeated her phrase. "I'll leave you to your shift."

"Thank you, Mr. Spock," she smiled sadly as he walked away. She decided to ditch the turbolift and rounded the corner.

Dr. McCoy was standing there and his face morphed into what a deer in headlights would look like.

"Were you?" she said in horror as she realized that he had probably heard what she had just said.

He barreled past her and she turned on her heels to watch his retreating back.

Son of a bitch.

* * *

* Yes, I truly imagine that Mattie Hanson would be the type of person to yell at a higher ranking officer or Vulcan if it was in defense of a friend. Even so, please let me know what you think. I love hearing all of your thoughts and opinions and if I was able to, I'd bake cookies and pass them out to everyone who has reviewed. So, just know that I'm sending virtual baked goods your way :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven: That Unlucky Red Dress**

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. The unexplainable loss of a child under the age of one. It was the 23rd century and the anomaly still had no explanation. It was just another reminder that death would always be remarkable and always be unavoidable.

It wasn't in her medical file. The file itself was awfully thin and lacked any details that Dr. McCoy really wanted to know.

Of course, that wasn't a surprise. If the incident had happened before she ever enlisted in Starfleet then it was no wonder why it wasn't there. She was young though. So young and if her child had died before she was in Starfleet than she was even younger when she'd had the child.

It explained a lot. Hypochondriasis could be spurred on by the sudden loss of a loved one. SIDS, the quick and unexplainable loss of a child, was certainly enough to make Mattie begin to question every symptom or sign of illness that could have potentially led to the death.

McCoy let his PADD drop on the desk and tiredly rubbed his face.

Why the hell had he eavesdropped? Was Jim rubbing off on him that much? He kept telling himself that he hadn't rounded the corner because he didn't want to get in the middle of another argument again, but they hadn't been yelling and it was a poor excuse all the same.

His office door opened. "What are you doing?" Jim stuck his head in.

McCoy swept his PADD and Mattie's medical file into a desk drawer. Out of sight out of mind, he hoped.

"Thinking about having a drink," he replied truthfully.

Jim grabbed a seat in front of him. He placed his feet on McCoy's desk making the other man narrow his eyes at him. "I thought M'Benga had the day off?"

"He does," McCoy said with sorrow. It used to be that he could enjoy his M'Benga free days, but not anymore.

"Perhaps," Jim said innocently. "Exploring a Class M planet would put you in a better mood?"

McCoy gave him a look.

"It's just a suggestion!"

"Suggestion," McCoy sighed. "Or likely away mission?"

"You were the one that said it first," Jim said. He stood up and pointed to the door. "Looks, like we better get going."

"Dammit Jim," McCoy whined. "I'm a doctor, not a damn,-."

His door opened again. "Lurve doctor," M'Benga said in a funny voice and McCoy groaned.

"It's your day off," he groaned.

The black man shrugged nonchalantly. "I left my PADD somewhere. I'm trying to find it."

"It's not here," McCoy insisted.

"There's always a plethora of PADDs in here," M'Benga wouldn't rest. "Just let me take a quick look around."

He walked around the office and twenty seconds later McCoy heard him press a button on the personal replicator that was in the corner.

"M'Benga," McCoy growled again.

"What," the man turned around, blowing on his cup of coffee to cool it down. His eyes were wide and innocent, but McCoy knew better. "There were long lines at all the other replicators."

Jim started to laugh while McCoy tried to reign in his anger.

M'Benga took a sip. "Oh my god," he opened his mouth and let the liquid fall back into the cup. "Tha' tastez awwful," he wailed.

"Serves you right," McCoy told him. He stood up from his desk and grabbed his communicator. "Call somebody for that while I go babysit the Captain."

"Hey," the Captain began to say. "It's not babysitting. We're partners in crime, Bones."

"Whatever you have to tell yourself," he said as they left the office.

"My tongue," M'Benga whimpered to himself.

* * *

"Alright, I've seriously got to ask," Abigail's posh voice made Mattie turn around. "How long are you going to keep up with this whole dress thing?"

Mattie looked down at her uniform. "I'm wearing a uniform that nobody can complain about."

Emily Farnell, a fellow engineer in Section B, stood beside Abigail and raised an eyebrow. "You hate wearing that damn thing."

"Yes," Mattie agreed. "But I've made a vow."

"Oh, give it up," Abigail said.

Mattie narrowed her eyes. "You're just saying that because you've put money down on when I'm going to stop wearing it."

Abigail and Emily tried to keep their faces blank as they shrugged their shoulders and shook their heads no.

"Admit it," Mattie was on to them. "When did you put down for? Today, this week?"

"I don't know what you're referring to," Abigail replied. "It's a simple fact that you dislike working in a dress. I mean we all do and I personally love showing off my legs. Unfortunately bending down to work on a generator and skirts don't go together very well."

"Well," Mattie responded coyly. "Perhaps if you were just a bit more ladylike you could properly mesh the two."

Abigail rolled her eyes.

"What are you Brits up to?" John walked up to them with his trademark large wrench slung over his shoulder. "And seriously, why are there so many of you in Section B."

"You're welcome," Emily replied all too sweetly. She walked away and his eyes might have lingered on her backside a bit too long.

"Ew, gross," Abigail scrunched up her nose.

"What," he threw up his free arm in the air.

A call came through for Abigail on her communicator and she stepped back.

John hesitated, "You feeling better."

"Yes," Mattie said plainly. "Thanks for asking."

He nodded his head, boyishly avoiding any heavier questions.

Abigail stepped back towards them. "There's a faulty replicator in the CMOs office. Maintenance was originally looking at it, but it's a wiring issue. You're up Hanson."

"What?" Hanson asked numbly.

"Wiring issue is practically code these days for send Hanson," Abigail explained. "Now go show off your little red dress to Sickbay."

"Damn red dress," she mumbled as John gave her a thumbs up in support.

She took five steps forward before her body went flying and she landed sprawled on the floor.

"Alright, Lassie?" Scotty asked from above her.

Her reply was muffled and he looked at Abigail for a response.

"She'll be fine," she said. "She was headed towards Sickbay anyway."

"So," John asked after Mattie had gotten off the floor and walked away. "Any chance she's going to stop wearing that dress anytime soon?"

"Doubtful."

"Shit," he scratched his cheek. "I've got credits on her ditching it by Friday."

She grimaced. "We might have underestimated her determination."

The Sickbay was calm and luckily empty of Dr. McCoy. Still, Mattie cautiously walked into the medical unit. Giles was off duty so instead of stopping she walked right into the CMOs office using the access code Abigail had sent to her.

Despite her number of visits to the Sickbay she had never been in the office. She thought it looked nice. It was spacious but not crazy as it was on a spaceship. The desk was big and there was a total of three chairs, one for the CMO and two for guests. There was also a couch against the same wall that the door was placed on. The replicator was in the far corner and she went straight to it, placing her toolkit on the desk.

She'd been given no further information other than it being a potential wiring issue so she began to run diagnostics on it. Eventually, she was hands deep into the device, rewiring and making sure that it was properly drawing power from the electrical grid in the office. Satisfied she put it back together again, replicated a cup of coffee and turned in fear when the door opened.

"Is that for me?" M'Benga pointed at the cup of joe. "Please, let that be for me."

She handed it over. Tentatively, he sniffed and looked slightly suspicious of it before taking a sip.

"Ah," he said in satisfaction. "I've been waiting all day for this."

"Is there a reason you didn't go to the Mess Hall?" she asked.

"What's the point of going there for a cup of coffee when I can annoy McCoy by coming in here?" M'Benga asked.

"You're very dedicated," Mattie complemented. He smiled in thanks and left the office.

Mattie began to pile her tools back into her kit, snaking a hand through her hair as she fumbled with a wrench. It fell off the desk and sighing she bent down to grab it except her hands wouldn't work. Instead of picking it up she just scooted it further away from her.

"Dammit," she mumbled. She snatched it back up, began to lift herself up and banged her head on the edge of the desk. While she didn't drop the wrench again, she didn't exactly make it off the floor either.

One hand rubbing her head, the other squeezing the tool tightly, she crawled backwards.

"What are you doing?"

She craned her neck upwards to see Dr. McCoy standing over her. M'Benga had left the door open so she'd not be able to hear anyone enter.

Her mouth opened up but no words came out.

"Why are you on the floor?" he asked.

She stood up. "I fixed that thing," she pointed at the replicator briefly forgetting what it was called. "And now M'Benga has a cup of coffee."

"Why would you give him a cup of coffee?" McCoy practically wailed.

"Why do you keep asking me questions?" she wailed back. "He was there and he asked for it. So now he has one and now I've got to go." The wrench clamored as it fell from her hand to the toolkit. She threw in some pliers next and then grabbed it and walked around the CMO. "Okay, bye."

"Wait," he hastily said. "Hang on, just,-."

He didn't quite know what to say, but he felt like he should say something. What that translated to though was him bumbling about.

"About, yesterday," he rubbed the back of his neck. "And well the day before that too. I'm sorry."

Mattie took a deep breath. "Oh."

McCoy's brow furrowed. "Oh?" he stumbled over the word. "What do you mean oh? Is that all you're going to say."

"I think so," she guessed.

McCoy made a face at her saying are you serious. "Are you not going to say it back."

"Say what back?" Her head jerked back. "Wait, you want me to say sorry to you? You were the one that yelled at me _and_ then eavesdropped."

"Yeah," he threw one hand up in the air. "But you were yelling at a senior officer and then you were yelling at me."

"Because you wouldn't leave me alone," Mattie huffed. "This is a stupid argument. You should apologize, not me. I don't know why you always have to pick a fight with me," she added under her breath.

She turned to leave, but he jumped to stop her again.

"Just wait a damn minute." He stepped forward and closed the office door for privacy. Then he slowly held out an arm to her and gently led her to the couch, the closest seat to her. He took a seat too.

He took a deep calming breath. "I apologize," he stated. "For accidently hearing you talk to Spock."

"Was it an accident?" Mattie tilted her head at him.

"It was." Each word was bulleted. "And…" he took another calming breath. "I want you to know…." It was like he had trouble getting the words out. "That if you need to talk to somebody, anybody, as the ships Chief Medical Officer I am here for you. I shouldn't have made you feel bad about your anxiety. I'm sorry."

Mattie was quiet. He raised an eyebrow hinting that he'd like a reply.

"Okay."

"Okay?" He tried to contain his voice.

"Well, what else do you want me to say?"

"I don't know, anything other than that! I mean I'm trying to be a good CMO to you here and all you do is give me the cold shoulder. For fuck sakes, I'm trying to help you!"

"Fuck off," she shot back. "All you're doing is trying to make yourself feel better."

McCoy's eyes went wide.

"Excuse me?" he asked.

"I can handle my anxiety," she said. "It might seem like I have bad days, and okay I do, but I can deal with them. I don't need your pity because you feel bad about being rude all the time. I don't need your pity," she repeated.

"Trust me, darlin', I don't pity you."

"Then why have you been overly nice to me since I've been in here," she raised one brow.

McCoy's foot was tapping up and down. He didn't even realize that he was doing it. For one thing it was pretty bold of her to claim that this was him being nice. Except it kinda was, at least by Leonard McCoy's standards.

"Ask me about her," she demanded and he froze. "Just say that you want to know."

He swallowed. "If I did, would you tell me?"

She paused for a moment and then nodded. "Her name was Licity, short for Felicity. I was sixteen and she died after three days."

The air in the room was stiff. His foot still tapped up and down wildly. He was a doctor, dammit, he knew how to handle the hard stuff.

"So now stop pitying me or looking at me like I'm stupid. I get it," she kept talking, her voice strong, but bitter. "I get how fucked up I am and I get how fucked up being a hypochondriac is."

McCoy didn't know what to say.

"Can I go now," she stood up and walked out before he stopped her again.

He sat in his office in the complete silence trying to wrap his mind around what was going on. Then he stood up and rushed after her.

"M'Benga you're a bastard," he shouted at the man before hauling it out of Sickbay.

"Hey, Bones," the Captain walked towards him.

"Not, now Jim," he brushed past the man.

The Captain's staggered back with confusion as he watched his friend leave him behind. "Bones!" he called after him to no avail.

The next person he saw was Scotty in Engineering. "Alright McCoy?" he asked cheerfully. "What brings you down here? The Capt'n isn't here."

"Where's Hanson?" he demanded.

Scotty was taken aback. "She's here. Why?" he asked cautiously.

McCoy tried to tone back his crazy appearance. This time when he spoke he made sure not to yell. "Uh, she was in my office earlier, working on the replicator, but I had a question."

"Did she do an okay job?" Scotty wanted to know.

"Yeah," he assured the Scotsman. "Yeah, it's fine, the coffee's fine, M'Benga's fine," he rambled. "Where is she?" he looked over the man's shoulder.

"Ah, Brown," he called out to a nearby engineer. "Where's Mattie Lass?"

Lieutenant Brown looked between Scotty and McCoy. "Has the replicator not been fixed?" she asked.

"Yes, dammit, the replicator's fine." McCoy felt like he was sweating as he stood there. He just needed help navigating this stupid maze of an Engineering Deck.

"She's in the Nacelle Control Room," Brown told them. "The closest one."

"Thanks," he said and didn't wait for them to reply back. He climbed a set of stairs and walked across a catwalk, in a lot of ways blindly trying to find the right control room. He entered a Jeffries tube and found a door open. She was bent down, working on a monitoring system.

"Hey," he stupidly said because he couldn't think of anything else to say. She stood up, annoyed that he had found her. "Would you stop saying how fucked up you are? It's annoying."

Her mouth slacked open.

"And stop agreeing to everything M'Benga says," he continued. "And I need you to stop doing stupid shit, like getting burnt or nearly dying from silver glue stuff or at least admit that it's me that's saving your ass."

He panted lightly panted lightly as he stood in the doorway. Her mouth was still hanging open and her eyes were wide as she stared at him. He didn't have anything else to say so he left.

* * *

After an exhausting shift, Mattie was cocooned in her bed, one hand absentmindedly fingering the boat charm that her friends had given her. A strand of blonde hair itched her nose, but she didn't bother to move it.

She stared out the one window in her room. They were at warp and Mattie numbly thought about how it never really felt like they were going fast. Inertia.

Her body was tired, but her mind kept whirling. Sitting up she grabbed her PADD and left her room to go find Giles. He was in one of the lounges sitting on a couch and she plopped down next to him.

"What can I do for you?" Giles asked but didn't look up from the message he was typing.

"Be my friend," she replied.

He sent his message off and smiled at her. "Always."

She smiled back and sank further into the couch. Her hair fanned out around her. "Why did you want to become a nurse?"

"Because the girl I liked was going into nursing school." She gave him a look that told him to continue the story. He laughed. "I was in this bar, the summer after I graduated high school and I tried picking her up. I asked her what her plans were after graduation and when she told me she was going to nursing school in Chicago, I lied and told her that's what I was doing too."

"What happened?" she asked. "Did she find out that you lied?"

"She did," he admitted. "When we graduated from nursing school," he laughed at the memory. "A friend of my cousins worked in the admissions office and I worked my ass off to get late admission. She slipped my name onto the waitlist and I swear since graduating as a nurse karma has been making up for that one little white lie."

Mattie laughed with him. "Do you think M'Benga or McCoy has been the karma?"

He smirked as he thought about it. "Definitely M'Benga."

"Really?" she said in surprise.

"Oh, yeah," he nodded. "You haven't seen him yet when he breaks a nail." An easy quiet fell over them and he turned to study her. "You okay?"

"Yes," she sighed. "And no."

"Need help?"

"I don't know," she said honestly. He waited for her to go on. "McCoy and I kinda keep yelling at each other."

Giles looked amused. "And?"

"What do you mean and?"

"And," he prompted. "Why does that upset you?"

"Nobody likes being yelled at," she said.

"So then why do you keep yelling at McCoy," he challenged.

She tried sinking further into the couch. He was playing devil's advocate. "I think I'm cursed."

"No, you're not," he lifted up his PADD to read a message. "You just have to remember, when McCoy yells it's because he cares."

Mattie thought his words over. "You really think that?"

"Think about it," he told her. "All he ever does is yell. At the Captain, at Spock, at M'Benga. Guy has a bad reputation for yelling at anybody that comes into Sickbay, but it's cause he's worried like hell. Being a CMO is not an easy job and it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Man has a hard job, but I've never seen somebody work so damn hard."

Mattie started to feel warm in embarrassment.

Giles cut away from his PADD. "Consider yourself lucky, Mattie Hanson, if McCoy is willing to track you down to yell at you."

She was definitely bright red now.

"He's still annoying," she muttered. He smirked.

* * *

One month went by since Mattie and Leonard McCoy's awkward bickering in his office and later in the Nacelle Control Room.

It wasn't the best month on the Enterprise, but it wasn't the worst. There was a gravity glitch, another wacky mutating plant on the Science Deck and a constantly fretting Chief Engineer. Worse yet, shore leave was still not in sight.

Mattie tugged on a boot with one hand while she tapped at her computer to play a video message from her friend Oscar. He grinned into the camera. "Hi!" he enthusiastically yelled out. His smile took up most of his face and he held the camera at a weird angle as he waved to her. He was outside and she knew that he was working in a Starfleet shipyard, possibly in San Francisco unless he'd been called to consult in Phoenix.

"Mattie." He tried to look into the camera with a serious face, but his smile kept cracking through. "I want you to meet my new baby." He turned the camera and panned up to a large galaxy class ship that was under construction. "Isn't she beautiful," he said in a faux Aussie accent. "Stunning," he said as he turned the camera around. "Now, you better be taking care of my other girl, the _Enterprise_." He smiled at someone off camera. "Now, say hello to another leading lady in my life." He messed around with the camera and zoomed in on Rosie.

Mattie's heart felt a giant tug as both her friends appeared on screen. Oscar still held the camera while Rosie draped one hand around his shoulder and waved at her.

"Love you," she called into the camera.

"Love you," Oscar joined in.

The message ended and the screen returned to just showing a small thumbnail clip of the video. Mattie's hand was on her chest, though it wouldn't be able to help any of her heartstrings.

Rosie and Oscar had been friends for close to a decade. That's how she'd originally met him. She couldn't help but feel slight jealousy though as she watched them interact on screen.

She wanted to be there.

She so desperately wanted to be with them. To be with her family and not on this ship. She felt unlucky to be there, but also guilty for thinking like that especially knowing how upset Scotty would be if he ever knew she felt that way.

Mattie tugged on her other boot and smoothed out the skirt of her dress. She still didn't like it, but she liked giving everybody a run for their money by wearing it. That's what everybody got for gambling so much in Engineering.

She didn't bother brushing her hair before leaving for her shift. She did look out the window one more time, seeing the same view as always, and then glanced around her sad looking room. No Suzy on her bed chit chatting, no Rosie sitting with her coffee, no Eddie, no Zarek, no Oscar, no Maggie.

Just her.

The video message lingered with her as she left. The memories replaying over and over. Just the small happy moments though, because she didn't like thinking about the other times. The times they were running or afraid for their lives. More and more she found those thoughts pressing up against her. They were just waiting, waiting to be examined, but she couldn't bring herself to take the memories out and look. She didn't think she was strong enough. One day though she might not have the luxury of suppressing them.

More often than not she found that she didn't like taking the turbolift. She liked finding other passages, random catwalks or walks through the Jeffries tubes. Plus it helped her avoid a lot of people and that cut down the potential of making herself look like a fool in front of somebody important.

Beta shift was three minutes away and she waved at Keenser and Louis. Then she bumped into a wall.

"Son of a bitch," she said to herself while John grinned. It took her a minute to stop stumbling around. Milo showed up and placed a hand on her shoulder to steady her. "Thanks," she said to him and then told John to shut up. "It's nice to see you," she told Louis. "You never work this shift."

"I know," he grinned happily. "I think I may be moving up. No more Gamma shifts."

John patted his head. "Our little boy is growing up."

"No, he's not," Rixson cut in. "He's filling in for Emily."

"Oh," John dropped his hand.

"And shouldn't you all be working?" Rixson motioned at them to do something. They scattered.

"Ow," Mattie said forty-five minutes later. Blood dripped from her palm.

"Whoa," Milo said from beside her. He put down the tool in his hand and ran to grab a first aid kit.

The blood was dark red. She brought her hand closer to examine, the blood running steadily from her hand onto the floor. Drops of blood pooled around her feet.

Red blood. She'd seen a lot of blood before in her life.

Hand trembling she brought it down to her abdomen. _There had been a lot of blood gushing out from her stomach._

Mattie blinked, the memory rushing back to her.

 _She'd slid to the ground, the blood from her stomach seemingly coating everything. Her clothes, her hands, the ground as it seeped from her body._

 _His face swam in front of her, his cold, cold eyes the last thing she saw._

Mattie felt the same prickle of fear as she remembered his face. He'd had his hands around her neck, crushing it before dropping her to the ground. Then he'd taken the gun…

"Lassie," Scotty called out. Milo was behind him with the kit, but it wouldn't really be able to help her. "Get her to Sickbay."

"No, it's okay," Mattie reasoned with him. "It'll be fine once it's wrapped."

"Hardly," Scotty rebuffed. "You're bleedin' all over my Engineering Deck."

"Here," Milo stepped in. "We'll wrap it up so you don't bleed over the entire ship."

"Make sure she sees a doctor," Scotty ordered as he watched Milo take her by the shoulder, one hand over her bleeding one, and march her to the Sickbay.

"Are you alright?" Milo asked. She thought she was walking fine, but he guided her, his arms wrapped around her.

"Mhmm," she mumbled. "It's okay. It just looks worse than it is."

"Hey," Milo called out to a passing nurse. She immediately dropped the bundle of supplies in her arms on a tray table and came to take Milo's place.

"Come here," her voice was soothing but her tone was no-nonsense.

"Is Giles here?" she asked. She was placed at the end of a biobed.

"He's in with M'Benga," she said. "He'll be flattered that you wanted to stop by, but don't be upset when he tells you not to do so in the future. At least not in this way."

Mattie tried to smile at the small joke, but it came out as more of a grimace. Her hand pinged in pain as the nurse lifted her hand up.

"I've got it," McCoy stopped her. "Will you grab a spray applicator."

The nurse nodded wordlessly and went to collect the supplies.

"Tell Scotty she'll be fine," McCoy said to Milo. The engineer nodded and returned to work.

"What happened?" McCoy unwrapped the makeshift cloth bandage. It was soaked through and she was looking too pale for his liking.

"It got on my dress," she whispered.

He had noticed that too. The nameless nurse brought back two medical sprays and McCoy began to disinfect the wound. He was relieved to see that it was shallow, despite the alarming amount of blood. He worked gently as he wrapped a clean white bandage back on her hand.

He turned her hand around, her palm downwards, showing her that his work was complete.

Her fingers curled around his hand.

McCoy's breath quickened. "Let's not scream at one another today, okay," he said in a soft voice.

Her dark blue eyes looked up. Her eyes were wide and she remained pale. He was afraid she was going to ask him about infections when she surprised him.

"You're just as anxious as I am Dr. McCoy." She couldn't look at him so she went back to focusing on her hand, which was still holding his.

"It's space," he defended himself. He had every right to be cautious when it came to space. He took his hand back, feeling slightly bad when her hand dropped roughly. "I'm going to get you some orange juice."

"I don't want any," she shook her head.

"Too bad," he quipped. He came back a few minutes later and handed her a small cup of juice. "You're still pale. I want you to rest here."

She began to shake her head again, but he didn't care.

"Just do it," he sighed. "So we don't have to argue like usual."

"Bones," the Captain called from the entrance.

"Give me a second," he called back. He forced her to take the cup.

Mattie peered at the Captain. He was dressed differently. "Are you going away?"

McCoy picked up a PADD and entered something. She assumed it was paperwork to do with her injury. "Yes," he said with a tad bit of bitterness. He didn't like having to follow Jim around to make sure he didn't do something stupid. "So don't do anything stupid while I'm away."

He spared one last glance at her before leaving with Jim. She was still pale, which concerned him because she hadn't lost that much blood. Her eyes were glazed over like she was in a stupor. He forced his mind to focus on the mission at hand. There was no point in making sure if she was okay anyway if the Captain got himself killed.

"Why don't you sit back, hun," the nurse came back.

"If I finish this," Mattie tried to make a deal with her. "Can I leave?"

The nurse raised an eyebrow. "Dr. McCoy asked that you rest here."

"Dr. McCoy isn't here though," she reasoned.

She sighed. "Finish that, stay here for half an hour and then you can go. But if you're still as deathly pale as you are now then you're to go straight to your quarters and not back to work."

"Alright," she agreed. Satisfied the nurse watched her finish her cup of juice and sat back in the biobed.

"What no yelling today?" M'Benga teased her.

She smiled lightly. "It's your job to yell at McCoy."

"Not likely," M'Benga said back. "It's just my job to annoy him."

She laughed, her throat feeling funny. "Can I leave now?"

He studied her. "I figure if I don't let you go, you'll just end up tearing the Sickbay apart and not put it back together again, so I have to say yes."

She got up slowly. "Thanks. Tell Giles I said hello."

"Will do," he watched her walk away.

"You don't look so good," Scotty frowned at her.

"It was just a little bit of blood," she told him. He fixed his gaze on her blood stained dress. "It's nothing a little wash won't solve."

"Get yourself some rest," he ordered just as a general alarm rang. His order was lost as she reported to her station.

"What's going on?" she asked Nov. The other girl didn't know.

"Rixson," Scotty shouted. "Get to the transporter!"

"Aye," the girl ran off.

"Oh shit," Abigail skidded up to them. "Andy was saying last week the beaming device was on the fritz."

Nov and Mattie shared a horrified glance. "The Captain?" Nov asked.

"And Spock and McCoy," Abigail replied grimly. "Everybody get to their emergency stations until otherwise noticed." Her voice carried over the din of noise in Section B. Nov hurried off, but Abigail caught Mattie's arm. "You don't look so good. Did Sickbay clear you for duty?"

"M'Benga let me go," she confirmed.

Abigail didn't seem so sure but nodded anyway. Scotty found her an hour later, his face red from running around.

"What ta hell are you still doin here?" he yelled. He hadn't meant it to sound so harsh, but there was a lot on his plate at the moment. "For fuck sakes, go get some rest."

"But the Transporter," she started.

"We're a sorry lot if we can't cover for one injured engineer," he said back. "Go get some rest. Rixson and I have a handle on gettin ta Capt'n back."

Mattie didn't push the issue. She had already pushed the boundaries a fair few times and Scotty was in no mood for anybody contradicting his orders.

She ended up in her room, her body aching and her throat feeling scratchy.

Great, she was coming down with something. She looked at her palm, the white bandage still clean. She brought it back down to her abdomen, the blood stain from her hand still there.

Snaking her dress off she looked at her stomach, her fingers gliding over her skin.

There. That's where the scars would be if she'd had any. She'd healed nicely though.

She fell into bed, her mind too dizzy to think of any scary thoughts as she wrapped a blanket around her and went to sleep.

* * *

*Thank you for all the reviews and favorites! Admittedly this chapter is a lot more exposition but it is leading up to two really intense chapters that I'm excited about. Still, let me know what you think about it!


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight: The Life and Death Of Mattie Hanson**

 _Once upon a time, a girl was born. She would later be known as Mattie Hanson._

Mattie rolled over, nearly falling off her bed. Her head felt heavy and her voice was both scratchy and burned. She had a hacking cough and her nose was stuffed up.

It was 04:37 and while she wasn't sure of the exact number of hours she'd been asleep she knew it had been a long time. Much too long considering the state of Engineering when she left.

Tugging on a clean dress and her sturdy work boots she finger combed her hair back and dashed out of the room with her PADD and communicator. She hit the corner as she tried to round it and threw herself into the tubolift. Her eyes watered from her itchy nose. Swallowing hurt and she knew there was no use in going to work in that kind of condition. She called out for Sickbay.

There were several engineers there. She thought she recognized them from Sections C and D, and her stomach tightened thinking about Scotty and Rixson working on the Transporter.

"Has the Captain returned?" she croaked at a nurse. The nurse frowned at her voice and pointed to a bed.

"No," she answered grimly. "But let's worry about you right now. Your name?"

"Hanson, Mattie Hanson." Her voice naturally came out quiet and hoarse.

"You were just here," she said as she looked over her file. "How's your hand?"

She held it up. "Fine in comparison to the rest of me."

"I'm Nurse Ryder," the woman said as she took her vitals. "Dr. Smith, your primary physician, is on shift right now. Just give him a sec and he'll see you. A few hypos and I suspect you'll be alright for Alpha shift."

"Thanks," Mattie said tiredly. She coughed slightly, her chest heaving, but it was the kinda cough that didn't do much. Five minutes later Dr. Smith came to see her.

Smith was about the complete opposite of McCoy. He was happy, blonde and fresh out of medical school. He liked to crack jokes with the redshirts that came down to the medical bay and he never offended any of the science officer's mothers. He was always nice to Mattie, though she noticed more often than not he dodged many of her medical questions.

"Hanson," he said way too cheerfully for that time of night.

"What's going on with the Transporter?" she asked him as he scanned her using a tricorder.

"Mr. Scott's still working on it," he replied.

"But the Captain?" she asked.

"We still have communication with them," he assured. "And the planet they're on is void of any life forms, at least not any that they know about. They're just sitting tight while we work on beaming them up."

"I need to help them," she said thinking about Scotty.

"Nope," he said. "You need to rest. You might think it's just a cold you've got, but your body is tired and with your earlier injury it's best to bunker down than rush back to Engineering."

"What are you giving me?" she asked as he injected a hypo in her neck.

"Good ole paracetamol," he said. He gently pushed her back so that she was laying down. "Now sit down and rest."

"But Scotty," she mumbled but it was too late. Her eyes had already fluttered shut.

* * *

"Mum," the four-year old called out. She walked down the hallway, the walls seeming so tall compared to her short status. She tried to open a door. "Mum," she cried out.

She looked down. There was a stain on her skirt and her chin trembled. Melanie would see it and make fun of her for it or she'd tell the headmistress and she'd be in trouble for it.

"Mum," she said again, but then turned away. Maybe since she hadn't seen her mother that meant she didn't have to go to school. She walked down the stairs to the kitchen. She could make herself a bowl of cereal. She knew how to make herself a bowl of that.

She got to the cupboard and found the sugary grains. She had the bowl, the spoon, the box of cereal. She needed the milk. They didn't have any. Oh, well. She had the bowl, the spoon, and the box of cereal. She scooted up on a chair at the table when a heavy knock came from the front door. Her breath caught.

"Mattie," the voice wavered through the thin piece of wood. "Mattie, girl, tell me you're in there."

"Maggie," the girl called back. She hopped out of the chair and went to answer the door.

Immediately, the older woman crouched down so that she was Mattie's height. Her hair was wavy and crunchy and Mattie wanted to touch it. Her skin was very dark along with her eyes, but she liked Ms. Maggie's eyes because usually they liked Mattie back.

"Mattie, hun you have to be at school," the woman told her. She stood. "Victoria!" she yelled out. The house was silent in response. Looking back down at the girl she squeezed Mattie's hand. "It's okay, we'll grab your bag and then you'll follow Jeremy okay."

"I have a stain on my skirt."

Maggie looked at it. "I'll wash it tonight. Now, go on and hurry, before you're late."

She handed Mattie a backpack and pushed her out of the door. She waved, smiling with a smile that was hiding something, before shutting the door. Mattie had to walk down to the side of the road, knowing to take a left to go find Jeremy.

She looked back up at her house. It looked like all the others on her road. A semi-detached with a slab of garden in the front that had dirt and nothing else. The curtains were drawn and the house was silent. Somebody would probably think it was abandoned because of the state it was in, but it wasn't. It was Mattie's home.

It was where she came from.

* * *

"What is she doing here?" M'Benga asked when he came in for Alpha shift. He was on high alert, acting as CMO with McCoy all but lost in space. He stopped Nurse Ryder as she left.

"Came in with a cold," she said. "Been passed out since about 5."

M'Benga turned back to look at Mattie's sleeping figure. He pulled up her file, seeing that Smith's work was efficient and left the girl to rest. About an hour later she woke up.

"Is the Transporter working?" was the first thing she asked.

Giles, on shift, grabbed a stool to sit beside her. "Nah," he told her. "Rixson and Scotty are on it though.

"I need to go to them," she tried to get up.

He grabbed her arm stopping her, alarmed at how warm she felt. He grabbed a tricorder to check her temperature. "I'll let Brown know that you're not cleared for duty."

"What do you mean not cleared." It came out funny since her nose was so stuffed up.

"You've got a really high fever," he said. "You are not going anywhere. Just a second okay."

He stood up and knocked on the office door. M'Benga was inside and called for the door to open up. "Hey," Giles started. "Mattie's still got a really high fever."

M'Benga frowned. "How many hours has it been since her last dose of paracetamol?"

"Four hours," he said. "Another dose?"

M'Benga nodded. "Make sure she stays hydrated."

"Got it," Giles nodded and applied another hypospray to Mattie.

"Who's in charge?" Mattie asked him.

"What?" he said as he set the hypospray down. "Oh. Sulu's in the chair. Uhura and Chekov have also been on the Bridge all night."

"What happened?"

"Exploring an M Class," he said. "When the Transporter malfunctioned."

"How long has it been?"

"Close to twelve hours," he replied. "But settle down. This is just a normal day for the crew of the _Enterprise_."

"I need to help," she said again. She was part of the crew, an engineer; she needed to be working.

"You're sizzling," Giles joked. "Maybe when you've cooled off. For now just rest."

"I'm not tired anymore," she argued. She felt like she'd been sleeping for ages. She picked up her PADD and tried to read. He raised an eyebrow at her. "If I'm laying down it counts as resting."

He didn't fight it and left her reading about various diseases. Okay, McCoy would probably beat him when he found out that Giles had let her read more medical texts, but while the CMO was away….

He went to see to a science officer with a stomach bug, a relatively easy fix when he learned that this day wasn't going to be turning into a typical day.

M'Benga waved him over. "They've lost contact with the team," he said grimly. "Prepare the Sickbay for any emergency protocols. I want to be ready just in case."

"Have you heard anything about beaming them back up?" Giles asked in alarm.

The older man shook his head. "Just that Scotty's still working on it." He looked over the nurse's shoulder. Mattie was propped up reading. Just from her eyes, he could tell she was tired. "Is she okay?"

Giles didn't have a good response. "Just waitin for the fever to break."

M'Benga nodded. Sometimes modern medicine still relied on the waiting game.

* * *

The first time she ever went to a hospital was the day that she told her mother that she was pregnant. Her mother hadn't believed her, which was stupid because Victoria Hanson herself had been fifteen when she'd given birth to Mattie.

She took her to the larger A&E, to the displeasure of the medical staff there, since she could have just taken Mattie to a scheduled clinic appointment instead of adding to the waitlist. It took them three hours until somebody would see them. They checked her vitals, looked wearily at Victoria Hanson who looked like she needed a fix and then after administering a pregnancy test they sent a counselor instead of a doctor to come talk to the two of them.

The man had thick glasses on and a stained button down shirt. He looked like he wanted a drink and was only there to get a paycheck so he could afford that drink. He had a thick, unflattering mustache and he was going bald.

"How are you feeling?" his voice was dry and uncaring. He probably asked that same question seventy-five times a day.

Mattie stared at him, unmoving and unfeeling. "I smoked a cigarette," she said.

The man froze as did her mother.

The bristles of his mustache moved every time he spoke and she found that it grossed her out. He looked up at the ceiling when he responded like he was looking up to the sky for an answer instead of her. "It's the twenty-third century. Cigarettes aren't commercially produced or sold anymore."

"Where the hell where you smoking at?" her mother's voice was flat and nasally in addition to her rough sounding accent. "Who the hell is peddling cigarettes?"

Jeremy had looked up how to make his own and he thought it would make him badass if he smoked them when he hawked mechanical goods on the street. United Earth was very proud of being able to eradicate the widespread use of smoking tobacco, but in pockets of Earth it still occurred and Mattie's lower-income neighborhood didn't have a lot of healthy pastime activities to begin with.

"Will it hurt the baby?" Mattie's eyes were wide as she asked.

The man pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Just don't do it again, alright."

It wasn't a complete answer and for the rest of her life that cigarette would linger with Mattie Hanson.

"Have you thought about adoption?" the man handed her a PADD with a glossy picture of a smiling family. The parents were Asian and the baby was black, clearly depicting a created family.

All the same, it was a happy family. Mattie glanced up at her mother. She was standing near the window, chomping on a piece of gum, as she messed with her personal communication device.

"What would I have to do?" she asked the man.

* * *

Her eyes flashed open and she took a sharp breath. Blinking awake she saw Giles, sitting down beside her on a stool.

"Hey," he said quietly. "What were you dreaming about?"

Mattie's eyes watered as she looked up at the bright ceiling lights. It was easier to breathe out of her nose now.

"Sorry," Giles apologized. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. Would you like some water?"

"I was remembering," Mattie said in a daze, sleep still making her groggy. Giles looked at her in wonder as he reached for a cup of water. "Have you ever smoked a cigarette?"

He snorted. "No," he laughed. "Who the hell smokes those things?"

"I did," she whispered. His movements stilled. She wasn't looking at him, and Giles had an off feeling.

He made his arm move to pick up the cup of water. He asked her to sit up and helped lift her. "How's your appetite?"

"No thanks," she replied.

It'd been worth a shot anyway.

She handed him the water and stared blankly at the wall. She'd fallen asleep with the PADD on her chest and she picked it up.

"What disease are you on now?" he asked. He was trying his best to make sure she was comfortable and in good spirits.

"I'm on diseases of Andor," she said.

"Does memorizing diseases for other species really take your mind off of human illnesses."

"Yes." At least she thought so. "I've just gotten through the Aaamazzarites section."

"Ugh," Giles made a face. "I don't even want to know. How do they even make medicine?

"From their mouths." Mattie relished watching Giles squirm.

* * *

It's a universal fact that it's never good if anybody knocks on your door at three in the morning.

Mattie was home alone, her mother all but gone from her life by that point.

Whoever was at the door was on their fifth round of knocking and she cautiously approached. She opened the door and two men in black trench coats, tired and grim-faced, stood on her front stoop. There was no porch light but a street lamp illuminated the spitting mist that was common for England in the Fall.

"Yeah," she gulped. She knew these weren't regular policemen. They wouldn't be dressed so nicely if they were.

"Mattie Hanson?" one of them asked. She nodded. "We need to ask you a few questions."

Her skin prickled and she narrowed her eyes. They could be here for a number of reasons. It was that type of town and that type of neighborhood. But she was definitely not the type to talk to any authority figures. That's how you got on the bad side of things around here.

"Who are you?" she asked instead.

One of the men reached into his coat and brought out a badge. It looked official but how was she to really know.

"We're agents from Federation Security." He placed his hand back in his pocket.

Mattie shivered, the cold air coming in through the door. She wasn't about to let them in though.

"Like we said," another guy said. He was younger than the one that had shown the badge. Maybe early twenties. "We need to ask you a few questions."

"Why?"

One of them sighed. "Miss," he began. "It might be better to do this inside."

"I want to know now."

"You recently placed a baby up for adoption," the younger guy said. Mattie's heartbeat quickened. "She died tonight at a little past midnight."

Mattie's throat was stuck. She kept trying to say something, but the only noise made was some type of wheezing.

"Miss," the man kept going. "We need to ask you about your whereabouts tonight?"

"What?" she managed to say. Her body was cold and she started to breath heavy. "Why," her voice cracked as she stared up at him. It was easy to tell he came from money. His coat was tailored, he put effort into his hair even at that time of night and the watch on his wrist could pay six months of the Hanson's rent. She quickly understood what was going on. The more privileged parents that had adopted Licity thought Mattie had done something to cause _their baby_ harm. "You think I did somethin'?"

Her breathing grew sharper. "You think I killed my baby?" she repeated it a few times. She was being accused of killing her child. That was crazy. She could never do such a thing, but how did Licity die. How did…had Mattie done something to cause Licity's death?

* * *

"Giles," Mattie sprang awake. The PADD slid off her chest. Mattie instantly knew that she'd been asleep for a while. Beta shift must have started. Sweat coated her forehead and her cheeks were flushed. She looked around for Giles.

"Hey relax," he came to sit back down beside her. He looked at her with concern as she scrambled to look at him. Her eyes kept darting around, initially having trouble focusing on Giles, but when she did her eyes didn't leave him.

"I have to tell you something," she breathed. He nodded, but made her sit back. "I have to tell you something," her voice sounded all wrong. It sounded hysterical and watery.

"Okay," he said. "Okay, I'm here, tell me," he tried to calm her down.

"You're going to look at me differently," she whispered. She looked on the verge of tears.

"Are you kidding me?" he tried to hide behind humor. "I did tell you how I got into nursing school."

"Maggie told me that I had to go into Starfleet because she couldn't worry about me." Her face was frozen in an expression of fear and confusion. Giles didn't understand.

"Um," he tried.

"I was bleeding on the floor," a tear dripped down and Giles looked behind him for M'Benga. "She broke down the door after John left."

"Mattie who was John?" he asked, scared to find out.

Tears poured down her face and sirens went off around him. "He didn't stop." Her face tightened as she cried. "He wouldn't stop and my face got all bloody."

Giles didn't know what to say or do. He watched her sob, delirium overtaking her. He tried to grab a tricorder but she started to talk again.

"So I locked myself in the toilet," she told him. "And when she found me, she started to cry and I felt so bad because I'd made Maggie cry. She kept asking me to get up, but I couldn't. I couldn't get up, Giles."

"It's okay," he rushed to say. "It's okay."

"And she said I had to get out of there. I had to leave because I was worth so much more," she cried. "She said I had to leave because Maggie had to look after my brother and she couldn't be worrying about the both of us."

Mattie hunched over in her bed, clutching her chest, unable to catch her breath.

"What did Giles do to make you cry?" M'Benga teased but his eyes were sharp as he pushed her back into the bed. "Go get some cooling pads," he told the nurse. Giles shot off like a cannon to go grab them. "Whoa, Mattie, let's just relax now," he said while staring at the screen that monitored her vitals. This fever really needed to break.

* * *

"Wait, you're telling me," seventeen-year old Mattie said as she looked up at the Starfleet officer she was walking with. "That I'm going to live here?"

"Yes," the woman responded. She had a stony face and her lips were always downturned. The bun on her head looked tight and painful and Mattie knew that as soon as she was dropped off the officer was going to haul ass getting away from her.

Sure enough, that's exactly what she did once she'd shown Mattie the dormitories that she would be staying in.

"Room 913, your access code has been sent to you." She promptly turned around and left.

Mattie pushed through the electronic barriers, allowed entry into the building because of a Starfleet identification pass. She went to a lift and with one hand holding her bag she pressed a button. The doors opened and Mattie entered.

Everything was so sleek and so nice. It was like Starfleet had so much money. Well, they did, but it was like they flaunted it everywhere.

On floor nine she got off and walked to the thirteenth room, tapping in the access code.

Mattie dropped her bag in the short hallway that passed as an entryway. There were two twin sized beds, a narrow floor to ceiling window next to a desk against the wall. There was a second desk across the room.

She walked closer, staring at the two beds. Faintly she heard the door open again.

"Oh, hi," somebody said from behind her. "Roommates, nice. I'm Suzy Sesay."

Mattie didn't turn around.

"Uh, you alright?" the other girl asked. She dropped one bag off her shoulder and wheeled her other suitcase to the middle of the room.

"Are they ours?" Mattie asked.

Suzy gave her an odd look. "The beds? Yeah, that's kinda the point of having us stay in a dorm."

Mattie placed a hand on the end of the bed and pressed down.

"What, you new to the whole bed thing?" Suzy asked. She scanned the girl again. She didn't look like an alien.

"Yes," Mattie said dimly and with guilt and a good amount of awkwardness Suzy instantly understood her faux pas.

There was a knock on the door, which Suzy went to manually answer.

"Hi," a voice came from outside. "My name's Rose Cavalier. I'm the acting manager on this program."

Suzy introduced herself and Mattie was finally pulled away from the beds.

Rosie looked at the pair of them. Nodding to herself she motioned for Mattie to follow her. Not counting Rose there were ten people that followed her to a Transporter hub. They didn't type in the locations themselves, but they found themselves in a large garage, a hanger Mattie realized.

Feeling like they were being tested, the ten engineers followed Rose to the center of the hanger. They'd already signed contracts and they belonged to Starfleet, but it was never too early to mess up somehow.

"For now this will be the main hanger that we'll be using. For the next two weeks, you will be divided into two groups. The groups will rotate between here and an office that's to be used for planning and development of new Starfleet technology. Everything you do in here is classified. There are enough cocky Starfleet captains out there that don't need to get their hands on any information on our developing technology let alone the actual prototypes. Let's make that clear from the start, okay?"

Everybody shook their heads yes. Rose's eyes continually scanned the group, silently assessing the individuals in front of her.

"Good, now I'd like you to meet John Harrison."

* * *

"Greta."

"Nope, not her."

Mattie rolled her head to see that M'Benga had taken Giles stool. She blinked groggily. "What time is it?"

"17:23," he said.

"The Transporter?"

M'Benga shook his head. It was getting close to twenty-four hours since a large number of the Enterprise's senior members became stranded.

"How is the Bridge?" she asked weakly. Her chest steadily rose up and down and her fever had broken. Her voice was soft and tired though.

"Sulu will be given his own ship one day," M'Benga was sure of it. "And Uhura is a champ, though she's got to be worried about her beau. Chekov's been working with Scotty."

"I can help," she rasped.

"It'll do you more harm than good," he said.

Defeated she sank into her biobed, looking worse for wear. McCoy was going to have a field day, M'Benga thought giddily. He was cheerful now that the fever had broken. She'd be on the up from here on out he decided.

Mattie's head rolled around and her eyes were half closed. He looked at her monitor, the brain scan reading normal, which came as a relief. Giles was still slightly shaken from his friend's erratic admission. The fever had caused delirium and he guessed that really it would just be an embarrassing moment if she ever properly recalled it. Her head rolled over to stare up at him.

"There was this man, my neighbor." She moved on her side until she was comfortable. M'Benga waited patiently for her to continue, genuinely interested in what she had to say. He had to be if he was going to get any dirt on her he could use to annoy the CMO with. "He gave me a book. It had all the mechanical wonders of the year."

M'Benga might not have known the exact book she talked about but he could easily picture it. One of those digital books that publishers loved to produce, that made the perfect gifts for people who were interested in learning only to find out that they really just liked flicking through the pictures. He'd certainly read one or two growing up, usually about Vulcan. It had peaked his interest enough that he'd studied Vulcan medicine while he was in med school.

"It had," she swallowed, her throat covered in mucus from drainage. "All these engineering feats, like the first car and plane and then stuff like the Eiffel Tower and that Statue of Liberty." As she spoke it was clear to M'Benga that she could clearly picture the pages of the book.

She closed her eyes, sleep trying to take her. "My neighbor said that it was proof that we made the world."

M'Benga grinned gently at that. "Sounds about right."

"We made Greta," she said. M'Benga didn't understand, but stayed by her side, making sure she was comfortable. The Sickbay was slow enough that he took the opportunity to spend more time with a patient.

She turned back in her bed, trying to get comfortable again. Her eyes were closed, but occasionally she would open them before her body fought back and tried to lure her to sleep.

"We made the world," she hummed to herself. She scrunched her face up, her head rolling from side to side. "No," she spoke in her sleep. "We almost destroyed the world. We almost destroyed the world."

"Doctor," a nurse on Beta shift touched his shoulder. "Uhura is on the line for you."

"I'll be right there," he said. She walked away and he watched Mattie fitfully sleep, his skin starting to prickle.

It was normal for the _Enterprise_ to undergo 'adventures' that included occasionally losing the Captain, the first officer, and the CMO. For a moment though as he watched Mattie warning bells started to sound. He looked at her vitals. Her range was okay considering the fever she had just come out of.

He shook his head. Giles had been just as weirded out with his encounter with Mattie. Weird didn't equate to bad. It certainly did not equate to a medical emergency.

At least not yet.

* * *

"Licity," she mumbled. She repeated the word over and over again making a nurse come over and touch her shoulder gently. Mattie had been there the entire day and it was now nearing the end of Beta shift.

"Hun," the nurse said softly. Mattie's eyes blinked awake. "It's okay, bad dream?"

Mattie didn't answer. Her eyes rolled back and Nurse Lee, the same one that had helped her with her hand the day before, peered down in concern.

She jumped back when Mattie's body threw itself in the air.

The monitor went crazy, her heart rate leaping and her temperature spiking. Her limbs began to spasm as the woman tried to push Mattie back on the bed so she wouldn't hurt herself.

"What the hell happened?" M'Benga ran out of the office. He looked at the monitor, but not for long as Mattie's arm jumped up.

It was like Mattie Hanson was undergoing an exorcism. Her body contorted in ways that did not look natural. Giles had never seen anything like it before as he watched his best friend clench her teeth as her body lifted off the bed.

With a thump her body fell back into the bed and the screen monitoring her vitals—still a nightmare. Her head moved from side to side, but everybody was able to take a step back.

"Licity," she whimpered. "Licity."

She coughed, a weak and feeble attempt. She wiggled onto her side, still coughing. Blood came up.

The blood caused another frenzied wave of movement as Lee made sure she was on her side, hopelessly grabbing a silver bowl for Mattie to throw up into. It was no use. Bright red blood stained her chin and the bed.

No longer coughing up blood she went back to violently thrashing around. The monitor beeped in warning, her heart beat accelerating at a dangerous rate.

She began to scream.

M'Benga and Giles hopelessly looked at one another.

"What do we do?" the female nurse asked. Her voice was high as the loud pitched wails wore on her nerves.

"I," M'Benga wracked his brain. It didn't matter about figuring out what was wrong with her. They just needed to deal with the immediate issues. Dealing with her heart rate trumped the screaming. "Grab a defibrillator."

Lee grabbed the nearest machine, M'Benga quickly taking it from her. As a team they worked together.

"Clear," he said. Mattie's chest bounced.

After two tries, her heart beat returned to normal, but the screaming hadn't stopped. Two other nurses on duty stood, eyes wide in horror, watching the sight before them. Lee had stepped in the blood and now it was smeared throughout a good portion of the Sickbay. M'Benga had also stepped in it but hadn't moved from beside the patient. It was only a matter of time before her blood would cover the entire area.

"I don't know what to do," Giles shook his head, dumbfounded.

The screaming stopped, Sickbay suddenly too quiet.

M'Benga still held the pads of the defibrillator. He slowly put them down and looked from Mattie to Giles to Lee and back down to Mattie. Part of her blonde hair was now red.

"Get some more cooling pads," he panted. "Her temps pushing 42 Celsius."

Rage suddenly rushed him. He'd been so damn sure as a doctor that she was fine. Just fine. Her fever had broken only for it to spike in an unprecedented way. He should have done something else, he beat himself up. McCoy would have done something else and this wouldn't have happened.

One of the nurses waiting on the sidelines rushed to a supply closet. Nurse Lee helped her spread the cooling pads over Mattie's body in an attempt to cool down her burning body. One of the nurses jumped when a communicator went off. Startled they all looked at one another.

"It's," the nurse said stiffly. She pointed beside Mattie.

Her communicator device had been sitting with her on the bed. It had moved so that it was now almost underneath her. Giles realized that her PADD had fallen to the ground. Numbly he bent down to pick it up while M'Benga answered the communicator.

"Hanson," Scotty's tired voice chirped out. "I know you've got a cold, but we got a wiring issue. Tell the doctors I told em ta clear ya."

In a stupor, the medical staff looked at one another.

M'Benga realized that the Sickbay was completely empty of any other patients except Mattie. It was taking the entire staff on duty to help her though and the communicator illuminated the sad truth. They'd been living in their own bubble. Nobody outside of Sickbay knew how sick Mattie was.

Hell. M'Benga realized that this was a doctor's personal hell, having a sick patient with no understanding of what was really wrong with them.

"Mattie Lass," Scotty called again. "You there?"

"N-no," M'Benga's voice broke. He shared another uneasy look with Giles. "Mattie is not cleared for duty."

"Oh, M'Benga," Scotty reasoned. He didn't understand. M'Benga had to make him understand. "Ta sniffles don't outweigh,-."

"She's unconscious."

The line went quiet.

"Wha'," Scotty's voice was no longer just tired. It was shocked. "What's wrong with her?"

"We don't know," M'Benga admitted. "Just work on bringing the Captain back."

He ended the call and handed it to Giles so he could keep it with the PADD.

"Stay with her," he told the two nurses and motioned for Lee and Giles to follow him into the office. He closed his eyes for a moment as he hunched over the desk. After a second he took a deep breath and grabbing a PADD he pulled up Hanson's file. He looked at them both. "She came in with just a cold?"

He just had to ask, for all of them. They nodded.

"Right, now the most pressing issue is her heart," he said. "And obviously cooling her body down." He directed his next question at Giles. "When she was awake earlier, did she indicate at all any other concerns or pain?"

"No," he quickly answered. "She was delirious and her blood pressure was low, but nothing like this."

M'Benga pointed at Lee. "I want you to run a neurological scanner, see if anything comes up. Any suspicious cognitive development and I want to know." Lee nodded. "Before you do that, I want you to tell Jackie to call up to the Bridge. I need to know our exact location. Then I need to know every single medical facility in relation to our distance just in case. And I want Dr. Rodriguez on call."

Lee nodded again and ran out of the office, back to the other nurses, quickly barking orders.

Giles stared at M'Benga, ruing over what the man had just said. "Sir."

M'Benga sighed. "Starfleet Medical code states that in the event of a medical emergency, if able the patient may seek treatment at a facility that is able to better properly care for them." He sighed again. "Sulu's not going anywhere without our captain, but as acting CMO I want to know every option there is. If it comes to it," he met Giles's eye. "And if it's possible I will try to get her somewhere that is better able to care for her _if we can't_."

What that meant was that if the _Enterprise_ Sickbay offered no other options to save Mattie Hanson than the only other long shot was finding another ship or starbase that offered other lifesaving medical treatments. But it was more than a long shot and it was certainly not needed at this moment, with her vitals stable. Yet, M'Benga was already thinking about it, wondering if their Sickbay could save Mattie's life.

Something crashed outside and they both jumped to see what it was.

"What the fuck is that?" M'Benga roared. The biofunction monitor above Mattie's bed, standard in all spaceships Sickbays, had caught on fire from an electrical fault.

Giles and Lee performed the proper emergency procedure to get Mattie away from the small fire. It quickly died out and the monitor was left marred in black soot.

"Take her to a private room," M'Benga pointed them through a doorway. Furious at the malfunction, and really just angry that he was getting nervous, he called Rixson.

"Rixson," she said into the line.

"There's been an electrical fire in Sickbay."

"Did you put it out?"

"Of course," he snapped.

"I can try and get somebody out there, but we've kinda got bigger fish to fry, trying to get the Captain back and all."

M'Benga understood but was still upset. "Get somebody as soon as you can."

"I will," she promised before hesitating. "Hanson?"

"I don't know," he said and ended the call.

"M'Benga," Lee called from the private care room.

"What is she doing?" he nearly shouted.

On first glance it looked like Mattie was convulsing again, but her wild movements were something else. She was clawing at her dress, ripping the fabric in a way that M'Benga had never seen. She clawed at her stomach, blood dripping from her fingernails. She was so wild that she nearly fell off the bed, blood now staining that part of the Sickbay too. He didn't want to do it, but he restrained her.

"Her brain shows some signs of inflammation," Lee told him, holding up the scan.

"Why didn't that come up on the monitor sooner?"

"Possibly it was already malfunctioning," she guessed now that it was chargrilled.

"Do you think it coulda presented itself like cold symptoms first?" Giles wondered.

"Take a blood sample, if it's a bacterial infection we'll begin antibiotics." M'Benga left the room and went back to the office, closing the door shut.

"M'Benga to Bridge," he called out.

"Uhura."

"Put me through," he demanded.

"This is Sulu," the acting captain introduced.

"We have a medical emergency," he said. The words tumbled from his mouth and he realized the severity of it. Of how they were all on a ship, with only acting this and that's, since Kirk, Spock, and McCoy were god knows where. He realized that he had a patient that he liked but could only patch up because he didn't really understand what was wrong with her. He realized so many things as he said those words because while they weren't the first time he'd ever had to utter them, it was the first time he'd ever said them and questioned his ability as a doctor on this ship.

"What is the nature of this medical emergency?" Sulu replied and M'Benga wondered how exhausted he had to be.

"The unknown headed towards really really bad kind of medical emergency."

"Acknowledged," Sulu said. "Our first priority is beaming the Captain back up. Keep us updated."

The line ended and M'Benga was neither satisfied or angry. He hadn't been expecting much. Maybe he just wanted to call the Bridge so that they knew that Sickbay had their own fight going on too.

Placing the communicator device down next to Mattie's he eyed her PADD. He turned it on, the screen lighting up. A medical textbook, unsurprising. It almost made him smile.

 _Morbi Memoriam_

The remembrance disease the subtitle said. Thoughtfully he picked up the tablet and held it closer to his face reading the description of the disease. Not sure why he was doing it, he picked up his own PADD and pulled her very slim file up.

"Stop being stupid." He slammed both PADDs down, shaking his head. It was too early to start getting paranoid or some shit. God, McCoy would beat the shit out of him if he knew what M'Benga had seriously been thinking.

* * *

 _Why aren't you remembering?_

The voice swam in her mind, like a wave crashing against her. She didn't feel anything, she didn't see anything, she just laid there in the water, floating. Bobbing up and down on the current. She couldn't even move. She just swayed.

Visions swam in and out of her mind too. It was the only thing that would knock the tiny little voice out of her mind.

It's a universal fact that it's never good if anybody knocks on your door at three in the morning. Mattie knew that. She had answered anyway.

They boarded a shuttle to the Alpha Quadrant so that they could get to an empty planetoid, looking for a clear space to deploy the cube. The hanger launched and they stepped into the large metal building. A large majority of it was empty but a few ships sat in a row and there was a large amount of supplies scattered throughout the building. Rosie had wanted to destroy it all and run from Marcus….but Harrison had found Mattie and taken her there.

That was the day that she realized that his eyes were a lot more than just cold. He was cold. He was angry. He was a killer.

Outside her mind Mattie itched to scratch her abdomen. Something held her back and the vision in her mind was the only colors she could see.

They were surrounded by the spaceships, all of them prototypes, some of which couldn't even fly yet. He had grasped her by the neck and then released. She thought he was going to let her go.

She was wrong because he held up a gun and then he shot her.

John Harrison had shot her.

In the _Enterprise's_ Sickbay Mattie tried to move, her body held down by something.

The blood had gushed around her, coating her hands, coating the floor, and forever searing into her memory. But why had he shot her?

 _Why aren't you remembering? Why aren't you remembering all of it? You need to know._

With her mind trapped, Mattie struggled to get free as she flat lined, dying in the Sickbay.

* * *

*Bit nervous about this chapter, but here's some insight into Mattie Hanson's life. Let me know what you think, pretty please :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine: The Funny Feeling of Dying**

 **Likewise**

 **The Funny Feeling of Caring**

With her mind trapped, Mattie struggled to get free as she flat lined, dying in the Sickbay.

Two Days Later

Captain Kirk stumbled back when his feet touched the Transporter pad. He fell back into Bones who roughly pushed him forwards again. He couldn't blame him. He'd been the one to want to go on an away mission. While it had been a perfectly respectable Class M planet, things admittedly had gotten hairier through a series of disasters starting with not being able to beam back aboard, to completely losing contact with the ship, and then there was the whole scavenging for food as they camped out for days.

Really though, things hadn't turned out so bad. They had in the end after all been able to signal the _Enterprise_. Good thing he had learned Morse code.

Kirk turned to examine that both Spock and Bones (with a handsome five o'clock shadow, if Kirk did say so) had transported back safely. Seeing them intact, Kirk smiled, a wide boyish grin ready to tell the Bridge crew of their adventure. He turned back to see Scotty's grim face.

"Scotty," he stepped down. The Chief Engineer didn't crack a smile, his hands limply by his side as he looked at Bones. "What's the matter?" Kirk quickly asked. "What's happened?"

"It's best sir," his voice was just a wisp. "If you reported to Sickbay. Mattie Lass has taken ill."

Bones shot out of the Transporter Room like a bullet and Jim followed suit, with Spock taking a moment to speak to Scotty. He was probably being rational and logical by understanding how the Transporter had been fixed.

But Leonard McCoy didn't have that leisure. The moment Sickbay, his Sickbay, had been mentioned his heart had dropped and then he'd gotten furious. Because he had expressly told Mattie Hanson not to do anything stupid while he was away. Granted he hadn't meant to be stuck on some hell hole of a planet for three days, but the order still stood.

He was running around the saucer of the ship, slowing slightly as he got closer to the medical unit. His heart rate spiked when he saw Nurse Lee, their head nurse, a woman with twenty years of experience standing outside crying.

He had never seen her doing such a thing and as soon as she saw him she straightened up and acted like she hadn't been having a moment to herself. She looked downright awful he noticed.

Leonard slowed to a stop, Jim about running into him, before he entered the Sickbay.

Right away it was like he had entered into another world. This was not the Sickbay that he had left behind and from Jim's quick intake of breath he knew that the Captain was just as blown away as he was.

It was void of any patients other than Carol Marcus asleep in a bed. A fucking biobed was missing. Above where it should be, the biofunction monitor was dead and burnt, something that had never occurred to him that could happen.

The most obvious thing though was the blood. The dried blood that was covering the whole damn med unit. Some spots were clearly boot marks, telling him how it had spread, but if they hadn't been able to clean the blood for three days then that was bad. Very bad.

"M'Benga," he shouted. He heard Jim behind him comm. Uhura before moving beside Carol. He squeezed the sleeping woman's hands and Leonard's stomach dropped. He didn't have time for that cutesy crap. "M'Benga!"

"He's been asleep the past hour," Nurse Lee said from beside him. He nearly jumped not realizing she'd snuck up. Upon closer inspection she was paler than usual, her eyes sunken and tired. She held her shoulders back though as she looked him straight in the eye. "It's the first time he's been asleep in three days, sir. It'd be best if you give him a few more moments. She's through there." She pointed to across Sickbay to a private room.

He opened the door. There was blood on the floor, a defibrillator with its pads hanging haphazardly and the biofunction monitor had also once been aflame.

He took a step forward.

She was lying on the table on her back. Parts of her were stained in blood and while he had gone through a lot of things as a doctor he had never seen this. She looked like something out of a horror movie, a dead vampire or zombie, whichever you preferred.

His hand reached out and encircled her wrist, flipping it up.

She had a pulse. A weak one, very weak, but a pulse nonetheless.

"Bones," Jim said from the doorway. He nodded at him, yes she was alive.

They stepped back out of the room. Nurse Lee was still standing where she'd left them. Her mouth was pursed as she chewed her bottom lip. Now that he was standing in front of her he could see that she had blood smeared across her uniform. Bringing his eyes to meet hers, she stopped nervously biting her lip. "It's no one's fault," she willed him to understand. "Here, come here."

She entered the code to his office, the light spilling into the dark room. She walked in, leaving Leonard and Jim to follow. M'Benga and Giles were asleep, M'Benga in his chair and Giles on the couch.

"What the hell," Leonard growled.

Nurse Lee put her hand on his forearm. Startled he stopped and rocked back on his heels as he watched the nurse wake them up. Giles groggily rubbed his eyes, not even bothering to get off the damn couch. M'Benga sprung up, his eyes wide and crazed.

"Is she alright?" he nearly shouted, his voice matching his wild eyes.

"She's stable," Lee said softly. "It's the Captain, they made it back."

M'Benga blinked rapidly, having trouble focusing on who was in the office. He took a step backwards, his breath rapid. The CMO took a hard look around his office.

Leonard McCoy didn't necessarily like to yell. It's just something he always did. So if something stunned him enough that he didn't yell, then that was bad. That meant something was very, very, wrong. Spock was looking at him closely, something that bugged the crap out of him. Jim too was silent, looking at M'Benga.

"What," Leonard's voice could cut through ice. "Happened?"

Giles and M'Benga looked at one another, silently asking where the hell they should start.

"She came in with a cold," Nurse Lee answered for them.

Leonard looked at M'Benga for confirmation.

"She came in a quarter before 5," he said dully. It was like he was reading directly off of her chart the series of events that had happened despite not having her file in his hands. "Smith administered paracetamol, we waited for her fever to break."

He paused and looked at Giles again.

"And," Leonard prompted.

"I was with her," Lee answered again.

"But her fever had broken before then," Giles cut in.

"But then it spiked again, unexplainably," Lee said. "She began to cough up blood and we had to treat her tachycardia with a defibrillator."

"I don't understand," Jim said. "What was the cold really? And why have the monitors been barbecued?"

"We don't know," M'Benga said darkly.

"Somebody tell me what else happened?" Leonard demanded.

M'Benga crossed his arms over his chest, his eyebrows permanently furrowed. "At about 03:30, a day after you'd been stranded, she flat-lined."

Jim awkwardly shuffled and Spock even looked startled. Leonard stood, without moving, waiting for him to go on.

"We were able to restart her heart, but a little less than twenty-four hours later we had to restart it again. In between, she continued to either cough up blood or convulse. She had a screaming bout a fair number of times. When we were treating her cold, she suffered through bouts of delirium. We assumed it was the fever and when it broke…we don't know why it spiked again. Both monitors that she was hooked up to suffered electrical fires. Engineering hasn't been able to fix them. Periodically we've also had to administer oxygen to her."

Leonard processed what he had said, his knuckles tightening. "Why is there blood on her abdomen."

"She scratched herself," M'Benga said.

"She didn't fucking scratch herself," the CMOs voice rose. "She fucking clawed herself, there are chunks out of her skin."

"You think I don't know that," M'Benga's voice rose to match his. The pair of doctors might get on each other's nerves, but Jim and Spock shared an uneasy look at the impending argument. "You think we don't fucking know that. We had to restrain her, as we watched her peel her skin off."

"Well, why the hell was she doing it in the first place?" Leonard yelled back, his voice like steel.

"Ease up, Bones." Jim tried to place his hand on his friend's shoulder but it was shrugged off. He had to remain calm with the amount of tension in the room. "What has been causing all of this?" he asked M'Benga.

M'Benga paused for a moment and Giles hung his head. "All her symptoms are consistent with Morbi Memoriam."

Everybody was silent.

"What," Jim blinked. "What is that?"

Spock tilted his head in confusion. "Are you speaking of an Aenar disease that has only appeared in their traditional ethnic legends?"

"The hell are you talking about M'Benga?" Leonard about near shouted at him.

The man swallowed but stood his ground. He picked up a PADD and showed it to Leonard. "Just look at it."

"What is this?" he shook the PADD. "Jesus, man, is this hers?" he looked up in alarm. "Is this a medical text that she's been reading?"

M'Benga rocked on his heels. "Just don't," he snapped. "For once just have an open mind about something. I mean for fuck sakes it all makes sense."

"What makes sense about this?" he yelled.

"Morbi Memoriam is a disease that is about remembering past events," M'Benga waved his hands around as he talked. "Suppressed memories, specifically. You weren't here to hear her talking. She kept saying things that didn't make sense. But this disease inhibits the ability to suppress memories. All she talked about was her past."

"Cause she was delirious!"

"She was remembering!"

"Doctor, I believe you are under stress," Spock reasoned. "While the disease Morbi Memoriam is a fascinating subject no known case has ever been proven. It is more myth than medical reality."

"M'Benga have you really slept in the past seventy-two hours?" Jim asked.

The man grabbed at his face and growled. "You haven't seen her file, dammit, just look at it."

"I have!" Leonard shouted back while Jim tried to understand.

M'Benga dropped his hands. "Then you should understand! Something is off with it!"

"M'Benga explain," Jim ordered.

The doctor took a deep breath. He picked up her medical file and handed it to the Captain. He flipped through it, looked back up and shrugged still not understanding.

M'Benga's shoulders dropped in disbelief. "She's a hypochondriac," he said desperately. "She's been on this ship less than a year, and look at everything we've put in it. What about before."

"Before?" Jim prompted.

"Before she was with us," he explained. "I mean she told Giles that she'd been on assignment for four years. That's a lot of time for a girl who's terrified of dying to have nothing in her folder. Nothing. And okay, so if the medical staff never wanted to put down any imaginary issues then there should still be routine physicals or at least one or two medical concerns. I mean for fuck sakes four years is a long time in Starfleet to never have a cold or a broken arm, let alone there's nothing about her Academy days."

"I believe that Dr. M'Benga under duress has created a scenario," Spock said.

"I have not!" M'Benga, normally the easy going doctor compared to McCoy, rounded on Spock, his eyes wide. He took the file back. "Look at this! Starfleet medical entrance exams for the past ten years, for all students coming from the UK, have been administered by Dr. Sarah Goode Thresham." He looked at Leonard, who sighed because it was true. "But hers isn't, and she's from England."

Jim shook his head, clearing his throat of emotion as he looked sadly at the man. Lee and Giles stared at the floor.

"Dr. Ryler Young performed hers," he said. He waved the PADD. "I've never heard of that person before in my life. And trust me, we're all gossiping bastards when it comes to Starfleet Medical."

"M'Benga enough," Leonard said.

"What do we really know about her?" he asked. It made them all stop and think. "I mean," he shook his head, his voice cracking in desperation. "This girl comes out of nowhere, with Ambassador Spock acting as her reference. She's rewiring the ship and speaking Vulcan. Did anybody ever even see her at the Academy?"

The office was silent.

"Dr. Sarah Goode Thresham has performed the initial medical exam for cadets entering Starfleet from the UK since taking the position of Medical Chief in London. Except for the year that Mattie Hanson joined Starfleet," Spock told M'Benga. "That year she presented at a conference on Starbase 13 in Beta Quadrant. I know this because of a conversation I once had with Lieutenant Farnell in the Lounge. She is also from England."

M'Benga squeezed his eyes shut in anguish as he placed the PADD down on the desk.

Jim rubbed his forehead. "How is she now?" he quietly asked. "Is she stable?"

"Just," Giles' voice was also quiet.

"Her vitals have been stable for the last five hours," M'Benga said, his eyes still closed. "It's the longest she's not had a fit. Every hour we've been performing brain scans. They've all appeared normal in the past twenty-four hours."

"It's a waiting game now is what you're saying," Leonard said grimly. The other doctor nodded.

"Nurse Lee you are going to walk Dr. M'Benga to his room and then you yourself are going to go get some sleep," Jim ordered the two. They watched them leave, Lee relieved to be out of there and M'Benga defeated. He then turned to Giles who was still sitting on the couch. "Why is Dr. Marcus here?"

"Originally she was on the Science Deck but when she heard how bad Mattie was she wouldn't leave her side. She got so worked up and exhausted that Dr. Smith gave her a sedative."

"What the hell happened?" McCoy asked like they hadn't just gone through it.

Giles thought for a moment. His hands were clasped in between his legs and he was leaning on his elbows when he looked up, the fear and weariness was all too apparent. "She had a cold," his voice was full of emotion, but he didn't let it get the better of him. "We thought…I mean she was acting weird, with the stuff that she was saying."

"You don't actually believe what M'Benga is saying?" Leonard groaned.

Giles met him head on. "You weren't here." His statement cut into Leonard and Jim noticed the guilt begin to gnaw away at him. "Give M'Benga a break, give us all a break," the nurse demanded. "So he might have gotten a bit worked up, but she was screaming and bleeding and telling us stuff that….We've been holding her together with glue." His head dropped.

Leonard turned around, so frustrated that he didn't want to even look at the younger man anymore.

"He almost called it." The words hit Leonard like a brick to the face. "The second time she flat lined he almost called her time of death and then the monitor caught on fire. Lee tried to hold her hair back while she coughed up blood like that'd help. And Jackie and Dr. Rodriguez cleared her airway while M'Benga was arguing with Sulu about who he was going to work on saving." Giles looked between them all. "It was you by the way."

That time it was Captain Kirk that was cut to the quick. If he hadn't gone off running towards adventure so many different, nonemergency scenarios may have manifested instead.

"Bones," Jim said after a moment.

"Save it, kid," he said and for once Jim actually shut up.

A nurse knocked lightly at the door, stepping into the room. She was in the same state as the rest of them, tired and broken. She leaned up against the doorframe, peering into the room of higher ranking officers and not seeming to even really notice them. She specifically looked at Giles, proving that he had been at the forefront of the emergency this entire time. It made Leonard feel like shit because he should have been there. "She's trying to scratch again."

She moved back as Giles and McCoy both sprang into action. They ran into the room but stopped at the door.

One of Mattie's hands was raised at her side, and while it did appear that her stomach wounds had reopened, her hand moved too slowly to really do anything. A sign that she had no more energy to spend.

McCoy walked beside Mattie and placed his hand over Mattie's and moved it back onto the bed. Her eyelids fluttered, but nothing else happened.

He felt Spock and Kirk staring at him. He asked for a spray applicator and moved Mattie's gown so that he could clean where she had damaged herself.

McCoy was still as he looked at the damage that she had done to herself. Fingernails deep, the mixture of skin and blood was gruesome. He placed a bandage on her skin, noticed that her hand only twitched.

He stood beside her bed, not moving, just watching her chest barely move up and down. He knew Jim was waiting by the door before the kid even said anything.

"Bones," he tried. This time Leonard didn't cut him off so her proceeded cautiously. Giles had been sent out of the room so it was just him, the Captain, and the girl. "This isn't your fault," he said what he knew his friend was thinking. "This kinda thing."

"Don't," Leonard began to shake his head. He didn't need to hear any excuses, but Jim pressed on anyway.

"Shit happens, Bones," his voice was firm. "Deep space, dangerous viruses, you say it all the time. Her pulse is steady. M'Benga's a little worked up, but she'll pull through."

"I don't need a fucking pep talk, Jim." Leonard gritted his teeth. "I'm a goddamn doctor. I know her odds of survival."

"Then you know," Jim's hard voice matched his friends. "That she's got a pulse and the best damn medical staff in deep space looking after her. She's going to wake up."

Leonard sighed, an angry huff of air blowing. Leonard ignored Jim and walked out of his office, itching to be able to do something. It was one of those odd times that he had no clue what to do and that terrified him just as much as the thought of losing a patient in his Sickbay.

"Get her into a new room," Leonard barked at the nurse that had told him about the scratch mark. "Get this goddamn Sickbay cleaned up and call Engineering. If nobody comes in fifteen minutes tell me and I'll drag a damn redshirt here myself."

Leonard passed her and marched into his office. It looked like shit and his hands curled up into fists. It was his fucking Sickbay, his fucking office, and his fucking medical staff to boss around. Not M'Benga's, not Giles, not Nurse Lee (despite him actually maybe liking his head nurse).

The fucking replicator was taunting him, the one that she had once fixed. The shiny metal of the device bright in the dark room. It was just a small one. Personal sized for his office.

He didn't know where he got the strength from, but Scotty really should be more concerned with the state of this tin can because it ripped out easily enough. The nurses outside jumped at the noise of it crashing into the opposite wall. Wires and parts hanging from the wall, where it had previously been.

"I'm calling Rodriguez and Smith," Jim said from the door.

"Get out of my Sickbay," Leonard told him.

"This is my Sickbay," Jim spit back. "It just so happens I'm your friend though, so I won't force you to leave _my_ Sickbay," he bit out the words. "Since I know you won't leave in the first place. But stop messing up the Sickbay or Scotty will come after you with a wrench again. So calm the fuck down and stare at her medical files until she wakes up."

"Get out," he said again.

"Yeah alright." Jim tried not to take it personally. He needed to get to the Bridge anyway. There had to be loads of information that Sulu and Uhura needed to discuss with him and Spock.

Without the kid hanging on his shoulder, Leonard took a big deep breath and lowered himself on his chair. It felt funny, M'Benga must have done something to it.

Cracking his neck, he grabbed a PADD and pulled up her medical file. He'd already read it cover to cover after the SIDS incident. Rubbing his temple he grabbed read several reports, one from Smith who had initially treated Mattie and a second, incomplete one from M'Benga. It was hastily typed up and really only portrayed one thing—sometimes all you can do as a doctor is make sure that a patient stays alive, even if you don't understand what's hurting them.

Leonard really couldn't fault M'Benga for that, but he could still be pissed out of his mind. So it might be a little bit because he was scared as the ship's Chief Medical Officer and a little bit because of the deep realization that he would never want to see Mattie Hanson dead. Hell, he didn't like it when she ran in here hurt.

Still rubbing his temple, he dumped the PADD back on the desk and exited the office. It still looked war-torn, but several members of the medical staff were helping a maintenance team clean up.

Mattie had been moved to another room, one that didn't have any blood on the floor or a fried monitoring unit. Her gown had also been changed to a clean one.

She was too pale. Leonard knew that Brits tended to be pale, but that wasn't British pale, that was deathly ill pale and it made Leonard feel funny. Her hair had also been cleaned, but it remained limp and that also made Leonard feel funny. The whole thing made him feel funny.

Grabbing a chair he sat down and didn't move, not even noticing his own eyes droop after two hours of watching her sleep.

* * *

His body had sunk into the white chair. It wasn't a particularly comfortable chair and Leonard had always thought that it was weird that one was always placed in the private care rooms. He thought it was pointless that spaceships tried to recreate what a Terran hospital would be like.

His legs were spread out and his body had curved into the corner of the stiff chair, one hand sort of propping up his head. It was only when his head tipped forward that by jerking it backwards his eyes yanked open and with a sharp intake of breath he saw Mattie Hanson's blue eyes staring at him.

Quickly he sat up, the chair making a funny noise and his movements seemed odd in the otherwise overly still room. He swallowed, Mattie's eyes watching him carefully but never saying anything. She seemed alert though, and he took it as a good sign, but much too calm considering that her heart had stopped twice in the past forty-eight hours.

They just stared at one another until she finally blinked, the first time she'd stopped looking at him.

"I remembered," she whispered. He didn't really hear or understand. His hand itched for a tricorder.

He remained in the chair but moved closer to her. He didn't want to stand up and tower over her. He wanted the strange calm to remain, instead of a flurry of scary activity stressing her out.

"Are you," he swallowed not sure what to say. "How are you feeling?"

Her head was on the pillow and her breathing was a lot stronger than when he had first seen her. "Why are you being so nice?"

Leonard briefly closed his eyes. Yeah, that was definitely a good sign to her being better.

"Well," the doctor tried to control his actual feelings, feelings of rage, fear and relief, as he spoke. "Apparently telling you not to do something stupid didn't work. So I'm trying a new tactic."

"I don't trust you," her whisper was laced with suspicion.

He sighed before raising his voice. "Jackie! Get me a goddamn tricorder!" Fuck worrying about a flurry of movement. He glared at her. "What the hell did you do?"

* * *

"No, no, no!" Leonard threw his tricorder down and ran out of his office. He placed his hands on Mattie's shoulders and guided her back to her room.

"But Jack didn't properly plug-," Mattie whined.

Leonard gritted his teeth. It was taking all of his strength not to yell at the patient. If he had it his way he'd lock her up in the brig. He'd already thought it all out. They could place a biobed in there and then she'd have to rest for lack of anything else to do. Hell, he could assign M'Benga as her primary doctor and he could lock the two of them down there—whatever it took to get the two of them to stop annoying the hell out of him.

She'd just find some way to take all the screws or bolts or whatever held the brig up, out and then the walls would crash and the attempt would be useless.

Still, it was tempting considering the last three days she'd been annoying the hell out of him.

From the moment she had woken up she'd annoyed him. If it wasn't her asking questions about how Scotty had fixed the Transporter then it was the questions about how Giles and M'Benga were doing. Since he was still cross with M'Benga, Leonard had evaded anything about the other doctor. There was also her knack of getting out of bed to fix stuff, any stuff.

First, it was the biofunction monitors, which made Leonard want to punch a wall because he had specifically yelled at Rixson to get somebody up to Sickbay to come fix them. She'd eventually sent up some redshirts that Mattie knew and she'd taken it upon herself to help them. Leonard had about had an aneurysm when he'd seen Mattie up out of bed for the first time, working in a hospital gown, standing on her tiptoes to peer at the wall unit with one hand stuck into the electrical device as she rewired the new monitor. Yeah, he'd almost sent her to the brig right there and then.

He gently tried to force Mattie back into her bed but she resisted meaning he had to actually shove her slightly so that she'd at least sit. He was so glad his medical degree was constantly used on stupid engineers.

"Would you stop?" he groaned. "You're not fucking getting out of bed again."

He grabbed a tricorder and began to scan her body. Next, he ran another brain scan.

"Can I go yet?" she asked for the umpteenth time.

"Has the CMO cleared you yet?" he asked in his dangerously low voice. Mattie was only slightly wary of it now that she'd heard him use it quite a few times since being awake.

"I think the power of being a CMO has gone to your head," she replied grumpily. "You can't keep me here you know."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "You wanna bet?"

She met his glare. Her chest rose up and down, her breathing still slightly ragged after waking up. That was reason enough for him to keep her in Sickbay. She was saved from having to say anything because a light knock came from the doorway. They both looked to see Carol Marcus at the door.

After the sedative had worn off, she'd woken up in a groggy state and promptly been chased out by McCoy. Captain Kirk had later confined her to her quarters to get more rest, but Spock had taken pity on her and cited needing her help on the Science Deck. After three days of various redshirts blazing into his Sickbay to try to check in on Mattie, Leonard would happily take the civilized Carol over them any day.

"May I?" she asked. Mattie shook her head warmly while Leonard sighed and left them to it.

"How are you feeling?" Carol asked as she sat down beside Mattie.

"I'm fine," Mattie said once again. The way people kept looking at her, made her feel bad like she'd hurt everybody but she didn't quite understand how. She just wanted to be cleared for duty so that she could back and hide away in the dungeon happily working with a wrench.

Carol searched Mattie's face. She was wearing a crisp blue dress and Mattie wondered what had happened to the dress she'd been wearing when she first came to Sickbay. Had they had to throw it away?

"Scotty wanted me to ask you a wiring question," Carol admitted. "I'm not so sure how I feel about smuggling information back to him. If Dr. McCoy finds out it's my head on the chopping block too."

"Then we'll be sneaky about it," Mattie hastily said. She'd do anything to be a part of the outside world again, even if that meant discreetly passing along advice to Scotty and hoping McCoy never found out.

Carol sighed, her shoulders visibly relaxing as she kept staring at Mattie. Her blue eyes looked so serious and solemn that Mattie began to worry.

"Care, what's wrong?"

Carol looked down at her hands in her lap. She struggled with her words. "I," she broke off. "I've done something. I've done something and I'm afraid that I'll upset you when you're already so frail."

"I'm not frail," Mattie said lightly. She might get tired easily but that was just from arguing so much with McCoy. Her heart did quicken though at her friend's voice.

"I'm leaving Starfleet."

At first Mattie had a hard time associating the words with Carol. She continued to stare at the science officer, noticing the emotion in the girl's eyes and how sadness rolled off of her.

"Okay." It was really the only thing she could say back.

"Okay?" Carol questioned back. Her voice wasn't quite watery, but it admitted how nervous she was. "You're okay with me leaving?"

Mattie's brow raised. "But it's not up to me. I mean, I didn't know you wanted to leave… why do you want to leave?"

Carol's eyes showed even more pain. She blinked a few times, water threatening to spill over this time. "I thought," her voice shook as she rambled. "I thought I could do this. I thought I could come back and act like this place was something that would help me feel better. But I don't feel better and I don't want to be here. I don't know what I want, actually, but I know that I don't want to be here and that I can't be here any longer because if I do I might explode."

Mattie watched the tears spill over. She wondered if she knew how broken she looked. She suspected that she did. The entire moment didn't feel real, but nothing had really felt real to her for a while. So instead she just kept watching Carol, glad that the door was closed so that she had privacy.

"I'm sorry," Carol sounded so sincere as she uttered the words. "I know that I'm not the only one still hurting."

Mattie steeled herself. She didn't want to talk about John Harrison.

"Will you hate me if I leave you here?"

Nobody had ever asked Mattie that question before. It might have been nice if Rose had asked her that before telling her that she'd gotten her an assignment on the _Enterprise_.

"I don't want you to be sad," Mattie said honestly. She tried to keep her face as blank as possible, concealing the ever-growing sadness that came with missing her friends and family.

"It's just," she explained. "I thought for so long that Starfleet was the only thing out there, growing up with my dad's career, but I don't think I have it in me to stay on. Not after everything that's happened."

"I get it," Mattie told her. Carol swiped at a tear. "Will they discharge you?"

Carol snorted. "It's not like they were anxious to keep a disgraced Admiral's daughter around. As far as they're concerned with me gone, it'll be like outta sight outta mind, and they can finally stop being reminded of my dad."

"Well, when are you going to leave?" Mattie asked.

Carol wiped at her cheeks, sniffling heavily. "We've finally gotten shore leave, on Earth. That's when I'll leave. I've not told anybody, but Mr. Spock."

Mattie doubted Captain Kirk would be thrilled to hear that she was slipping away. Growing up an admiral's daughter Carol had plenty of contacts that she could, and did, turn to for help. Despite this, the fact that Mr. Spock had knowledge of Carol's departure that he was keeping to himself would hurt Captain Kirk.

Carol's tears for the most part had dried. Her eyes were puffy though. Quite frankly they both looked like hell. They were both pale and tired. Their eyes gave away that they had seen too much and started to enjoy too little.

This would be one of the last times they consoled one another on the _Enterprise_. Then it would be up to their individual selves to overcome their past.

"Where will you go?" Mattie asked.

"I don't know," Carol replied.

"What will you do?"

"I don't know."

Mattie thought for a moment before coming up with the one thing she really wanted to say to Carol before she left. "I hope you find happiness."

Carol laughed a short puff of laugh that was a mixture of humor and grief. "That's the plan," she said in a wobbly voice. She finally smiled a small grin. Then her face became grim again. "You will too right? Try and be happy?"

She nodded and that satisfied Carol. They stayed in the room until a short knock interrupted them. Carol quickly wiped at her face again as the door opened.

"Mr. Scott," Mattie said in surprise.

The door opened wider and not only did Scotty step into the room, but he was followed by Rixson, Abigail, Milo, John, Nov, Emily, Louis, Andy, Jack and a few more of her Section B mates. Keenser came to stand by her bed.

Mr. Scott frantically waved at the engineers and they hurried into the room before shutting the door firmly before turning to face her. When he spoke he whispered, or at least he tried to whisper but the thick tones of his Scots made that hard.

"Aye, Lassie," he said in greeting. He sort of hunched as he walked to stand at the end of her bed and he kept looking over his shoulder like he'd become accustomed to sneaking around. "We had ta wait fifteen minutes 'til McCoy was called away. The bastard wasn't gonna let us in!"

Mattie stifled a laugh. "Sounds about right."

The engineers, Carol included, huddled around her bed. Only, Rixson, Jack, Emily and Keenser had been able to get in to see her as McCoy refused to admit that she was no longer in a critical condition. Really those few had only gotten in because they'd been working on the charred monitors. Mattie was more than happy to know that her engineering friends including the Chief, were willing to sneak into the Sickbay to see her.

"How are you feeling?" Abigail asked. They were all looking at her in concern.

While they had known that she was in bad shape as they worked to fix the transporter it was only after the Captain was back onboard that the stories of her time in Sickbay had spread like wildfire. Spurred on by the wild accounts of the medical staff a story had come out that made Mattie's time in Sickbay appear almost like a myth or legend. It most certainly all sounded unreal, but judging by the fact that every single nurse and doctor looked at her differently now, and based on the new scar on her abdomen, she supposed that maybe there was something to the stories that were flying around.

"I'm alright," she assured. "I'd be better if Dr. McCoy would stop keeping me like a prisoner."

"While I admit that he's a bit extreme," Scotty said. "I have to agree with him. It's better ta rest than ta do yourself more harm."

"Yeah," John agreed. "Enjoy your time outside the dungeon."

"But I love Engineering," Mattie pleaded.

"And we love you," Nov replied. "Which is why you need to take some more time."

Mattie frowned, but if they wanted her to get better than she would suck it up so that she could get to work faster.

"We do have to thank you, though," Milo smiled a toothy grin. "Because of you, we finally get some shore leave."

There was a smattering of happy agreements and grins. Keenser blinked solemnly at Mattie telling her he'd prefer next time if she didn't almost die.

"Hang on, hang on," Rixson shushed them all. "We didn't just come here to thank her for shore leave."

"That's right," Scotty nodded his head proudly.

"We got you something," John grinned.

Shoved onto her lap was a wrapped gift. Not used to getting gifts Mattie's smile was one of disbelief. Taking the package she ripped at the paper and then her smile grew into one of real happiness and gratitude.

She held up the black overalls for everybody to see.

"Do you like it?" Abigail beamed.

"Yes," she instantly said. "Of course. I can't believe you guys did this."

"Well we got the fabric from a lieutenant on the Science Deck and Rixson knew a security officer that can sew," Nov explained.

"And Milo made the pattern so that it could be sewn," Emily added.

Mattie smiled in surprise at Milo who shrugged. "My mom's taught me a lot of stuff because she doesn't think I'll ever land a wife."

"She might be right," John couldn't resist the opportunity to tease. Emily elbowed him.

"But the gift does have one condition," Abigail told her. They all nodded.

"Please, would ya stop wearin that dress," Scotty ordered.

"Are you honestly asking me to not wear my uniform?" Mattie asked.

"Oh please," Rixson rolled her eyes. "That thing is bad luck."

"How is it bad luck?" Carol asked curiously.

"Anytime she wears it she trips," Rixson said.

"Or falls," Abigail told her.

"She can't stop bumping into walls whenever she has it on."

"She broke that wrench."

"And maintenance hasn't stopped complaining about the paint incident."

"There was a paint incident?" Carol leaned forward.

"There was a paint incident," everybody said at once.

"Alright," Mattie held her hands up. "I'll stop wearing the dress."

Scotty beamed at her. "Fantastic Lass." He clapped his hands. "Then rest up here and in no time you'll b—"

The door opened and Scotty froze.

"Get out!" McCoy shouted.

"Right, see you soon Mattie Lass," Scotty said before skipping out.

"I'm glad you're feeling better," Nov said on her way out.

Milo winked as he shuffled out and then only Carol was left in the room. McCoy motioned to her.

"Ugh, fine," she admitted defeat. She squeezed Mattie's arm. "I'll see you soon."

Mattie nodded. "Remember what I said."

Carol nodded back and then the room was clear.

"They could have stayed longer," she huffed.

"A child," McCoy muttered to himself. "It's like I'm dealing with a child."

"You're such a pie." Mattie got up and McCoy winced. "I'm fine." She was too quick for McCoy to catch as she went around him. Admittedly she was tired but she didn't want to tell him that. Instead, she preferred to annoy him since he'd chased away all her friends. She was really starting to understand why M'Benga acted the way he did.

"What are you doing?" McCoy placed a PADD down on his desk. He'd followed her into his office.

"Reema told me that your replicator was broken." Mattie stopped as she looked at the damage. "She also told me that Scotty has refused to replace it until you apologize to him."

"It fell out of the wall," he grumbled. He was not going to be the one to say sorry to Scotty when it was this ships fault for being so damn cheap and easy to destroy.

Mattie didn't believe him, the evidence was enough to prove him wrong even without the Captain's testimony. She went to bend down to look at a piece of the replicator, but McCoy grabbed her by the shoulders once again. She tried to shake him off, but he wouldn't budge.

"I'm just trying to help," she said.

"What is wrong with you," McCoy seethed. "Do you know how many times we had to restart your heart?"

"Twice," she argued back. "And I know that because you won't stop telling me."

"I'd stop telling you if you'd stop doing stupid shit, like getting out of bed." He tugged her out of his office and by then she'd stopped fighting, admitting exhaustion.

When she'd gotten back in bed, McCoy had headed back out of the room, thinking that a drink sounded pretty good just about then. Her voice stopped him.

"McCoy." he turned back around. "Why hasn't Giles been around?"

"He, M'Benga and Lee have been given some time off."

"Is he mad at me?"

Her face made him stop. Since waking up her face had been weary looking. Most of the time her mouth was in a thin line and she always appeared to be in deep thought. After months of seeing her in the Sickbay, he felt like he could say that he knew her well enough. While he might not know exactly how her mind worked he knew that it was easy for worry to set in. He wondered just how long she'd been thinking about how Giles, and M'Benga and how they hadn't stopped by to see her.

"No," he said firmly. "He's just tired and the Captain's ordered him to stay out of Sickbay. And he's not stupid enough like Scotty's redshirts to sneak in here."

He wasn't sure if the answer was good enough because her brows remained furrowed. Feeling his muscles tense he shut the door and took a seat next to her.

"He was just a little freaked out," McCoy admitted. "Giles is a good nurse, but it's hard anytime you see a patient, let alone a friend, get hurt."

"But I wasn't hurt."

"You know what I mean."

Mattie sat back in the bed. "Are you mad at me?"

McCoy was taken aback. "Why would I be mad?"

"Because I got sick."

"Everybody gets sick."

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah, I do. I specifically said for you to not do anything stupid while I was away and you did something stupid. Fortunately for you, it wasn't your choice, so you're free of the blame."

"But you blame yourself."

It unnerved him that she so blatantly called him out on it. He was always startled when he realized that somebody saw him, and by him, he meant the little quirks, worries, or characteristics that made up his personality. His mother knew him like the back of her hand which was fine because she was his mother. After being roommates and going through the Academy, Jim had peeled away enough of the layers to claim that he knew the true Bones. He could tolerate it, and only tolerate it, when Spock found it upon himself to point out some part of Leonard's character. They'd all known Leonard long enough to know who Leonard really was and to see him for what he really was.

But Leonard hadn't known Mattie Hanson as long as he'd known his mom and Jim and Spock. He'd met her less than a year ago, when she'd snuck into his Sickbay and from that day on he'd been fixing her.

So it more than a little bit unnerved him that Mattie Hanson could so easily see behind the angry demeanor that McCoy was well known for hiding behind. Did that scare him? He'd not admit that, though he would admit that he'd once been burned by a woman, his ex-wife, so badly that the idea of any woman able to see Leonard for who he was scared the shit out of him.

He didn't know how he'd ever be able to get close to another person when he knew he'd made so many mistakes in the past that had caused hurt.

Thoughts whizzing through his head he tried to shrug off her comment. "I'm the CMO. I should have been here to help in an emergency."

Mattie breathed tiredly, her eyes drooping, but she didn't stop talking. "You're going to end up hating yourself if you keep up with all that blame."

Leonard felt another bullet hit him in the chest. Why did she always have to be right on target?

"Would you just get some rest already," he complained.

Her eyes were almost closed when she said one last thing that hit him in the chest. "Thanks for being here when I woke up. I needed somebody to yell at me after I remembered."

He had no idea what that last part meant but the way she spoke unnerved him some more.

Get a grip, he told himself. Deep space is not the time nor the place to start acting like a teenage boy. For fuck sakes, he was a good ten years older than her. That made it even worse because there was no way in hell she'd go for a guy like him. No, she probably liked Giles, which is why she was so cut up that he hadn't come to visit her. Or probably one of the many male engineers that all seemed to dote on her. Not that he really cared, because obviously he didn't care about her romantic encounters. Obviously.

After a few minutes her breathing evened out and he shook his head to clear out any stupid thoughts that remained. He swore the more and more he stayed on this ship the more and more he was ending up like Jim, without an ounce of intelligence and falling head over heels for a blonde. He was going to do everything in his power for that not to happen.

Except Leonard McCoy didn't know what shore leave was about to bring.


	10. Chapter 10

Thanks for all the reviews and follows!

* * *

 **Chapter Ten: Pecan Pancakes and Porches (A Story of Romance)**

"Oh yeah, oh yeah," John chanted as he danced a jig.

"What are you doing?" Mattie asked. She'd walked up to a group of engineers that were waiting impatiently to board a shuttle so that they could return to Earth. It had been almost a year away from home and people were ready for some time off.

"He's been dancing like that for ten minutes," Nov said. "You should have seen Mr. Spock's face when he walked by. Comical."

They slowly moved forward to board a shuttle, John dancing as he walked. Mattie searched the shuttle bay looking for Carol but she couldn't glimpse the blonde doctor. They'd said their goodbyes (see you later, as Carol had opted to call it) and Mattie knew that she needed her space to collect herself and figure out a way to tell Captain Kirk before he found out himself.

"Get down from there!" Scotty shouted at Keenser. His voice caused all of the engineers to look back at their Chief. When he was done yelling at the small alien he walked up to them and they could see that he had already started celebrating shore leave. "Why are we waiting here? Oi, come on, outta tha way you blue shirts."

"Mr. Scott," Rixson admonished, but it lacked sincerity as she followed the Scotsman past the science officers to board the newly claimed shuttle.

"Aye," Scotty waved at Mattie. "Why tha long face? You feel alright lassie?"

Mattie was quick to assure him that she was fine. If McCoy had had it his way she'd have been made to go to a Starfleet hospital in San Francisco where more tests would have been run. It was only because Captain Kirk, who'd endured many a medical test under McCoy, had taken pity on her and told the doctor to lay off, that she should be allowed to fully enjoy her shore leave.

"I'm fine Mr. Scott," she said.

"Then smile a bit, lassie," he instructed. "Aren't you excited for shore leave?"

Mattie fidgeted in her seat. "Yes, it's just that my cousin Minnie is getting married."

"What's wrong with that?" he asked. "It's a free party."

Mattie sighed. "Yeah, but it's my family." He grinned with grim humor. "And they won't stop asking questions and then they'll try and make me stay several nights and make me go shopping for groceries because I have a wage and they want me to pay. If my mom's there then she'll guilt me into giving her money. And they always make fun of me."

"Ah," Mr. Scott interrupted her. "What if I call you?"

"Call me?"

"Aye," he explained. "I mean if ya hav ta go, it doesn't mean ya hav to stay for tha whole thing. I'll call you with an emergency, tell ya I need your help." He began to type into his PADD. "Here, I'll put in a reminder. It's for this Saturday I assume?" She nodded. "There, I've put in an alert so I'll remember an call ya."

"Thank you, Mr. Scott," she smiled. "You are quite the devious one, with sneaking past McCoy and lying."

"I won't be lying," he feigned hurt. "I'll probably need help getting home if my night goes as planned."

Rixson sniggered beside him but kept her head down when he looked over at her.

"Something to say Rixson?" he challenged. Keenser across from him blinked. "Oh, don't you get started!"

"Shuttle crew standby for lift off."

"Here we go!" John bounced up and down in his seat.

"Thank god," Rixson muttered under her breath.

* * *

"God, you are so fucking pale," Mattie's cousin Lottie said. She threw down a makeup bag, its contents spilling across the vanity. She took a seat across from Mattie and glared at her. It wasn't really that she was glaring though, it's just that her face always looked tight and bitchy.

They were three hours away from the ceremony and needless to say it was chaos. Complete pandemonium, with the bride knocking back her third glass of champagne, the mother of the bride on her fifth and Lottie taking over ordering everybody around as they all got ready.

"Well it's not like she's gonna get any colour out there in space," her aunt Veronica said. "No shit," Lottie said under her breath. A powder brush almost rolled off the vanity but she grabbed it. She picked up a dark contour color and Mattie instinctively felt a pang of fear.

She was wearing a robe, not yet changed into the pale pink bridesmaid dress that she would wear for the ceremony. Mattie had been a little surprised when she had been asked to be in the wedding. She'd left England and her hometown at the age of seventeen and she didn't have much contact with her family in the past five years. Minnie, the bride, was Mattie's first cousin on her mother's side. Calling it a family, was loose to begin with. It was really only her mother and aunt that were still alive (barely) and left with three daughters. The neighborhood that they had all grown up in created an extended family that everybody participated in.

She didn't know anybody from her dad's side and she hadn't seen her mother yet, which was fine with her as her mum hadn't looked so good the last time she'd seen her.

Clutching at her robe Mattie tried to move backwards when Lottie turned to face her, makeup brush in hand.

"Stop wiggling," she complained as she slapped on some foundation. Mattie didn't mind makeup, but whatever stuff her cousin was using felt heavy and gross. "God, you're so pale," she said again.

"Has anybody seen," Minnie started before spotting her glass of champagne. "Oh, never mind."

"Honey at the rate you're going you're not going to last to the reception." Maggie let herself in through the front door. She had a bag over her shoulder that was overflowing with tulle and flowers and whatever odd things were needed to prepare for a wedding.

"That's being generous," Lottie said snidely. "Mum's going to have to carry her down the aisle."

Mattie couldn't help but agree. She smiled wide at Maggie and she was met with a matching grin. Maggie set the bag down and came over to Mattie to give her a half hug, squeezing tight, but knowing not to get in between Lottie and her project. "Jesus, you're skin and bones, Mattie girl. Do they not feed you?"

"She's right, Lot," Minnie said from where she sat on the sofa. "You're gonna make her too gaunt looking with all that crap you're putting on her."

"It's called contouring," Lottie informed her. She was blending so harshly that Mattie's skin felt like it was being rubbed off.

"You're gonna make her look skinnier than me! So stop it," Minnie demanded. "It's my day, remember that."

"Oh trust me," Maggie said sarcastically. "None of us have forgotten it."

Minnie smiled haughtily at that, not understanding the backhanded compliment. She finished off her champagne and got up to look for the bottle.

"Pour me some too," her mum said.

"I thought we had more," Minnie said as she poured the rest of the bottle in her mum's glass.

"It's in the fridge," Lottie told her before picking up an alarmingly glittery looking thing.

Mattie leaned back in fear. "What is that?"

"It's a highlighter," Lottie rolled her eyes. She forced her cousin forwards so she could apply it. "Don't worry, I'll make it look natural."

"I'm going to look like a magical unicorn aren't I?"

"A beautiful magical unicorn," Maggie said kindly.

Mattie wasn't so sure that made her feel better, but she couldn't say anything because Lottie was lining her lips.

"Hurry up, we have to get to the church in an hour," Minnie said.

"No we don't," Lottie shook her head.

"Yeah, we do," Minnie fought. "We have to talk to the pastor person. Plus I want to put on my dress already, and mum's making me wait till we get there."

"I have to do Mattie's hair," Lottie sighed. "I mean have you seen her hair? It looks awful."

Mattie looked down at her hair. It was blonde and fell past her shoulders. "What's wrong with my hair?"

"You can't wear it like that," Lottie gestured to it. "It needs to look better than that, more special. I mean," she raised her voice so her sister could hear. "You don't want to ruin any of the photos."

That caught Minnie's attention. "Okay, fine, but do it quick so we can get there."

"I'll put it in the rollers and then I'll fix it up when we get to the church," she reasoned. "I'm going to make it look really nice. It'll be in a chignon," she promised.

"Who's going to help me put on my dress," Minnie complained. "If you're too busy doing that."

"Mum and Maggie," Lottie rolled her eyes. She'd been doing it almost all day.

The rollers made Mattie's head feel heavy. "Hang on," she said as everybody started to gather up what they'd need to take to the church. "I made Charlie a sandwich. I need to go give it to him."

"He's at my place," Maggie told her. "Hurry on, and I'll distract them."

"Just meet us there." Minnie brushed past the pair to go outside.

"I can't walk there in a robe," Mattie replied.

"Have Jeremy take you," Lottie suggested. "He's got a nice new hovercraft now."

Mattie's brow raised.

"Don't ask," Maggie warned. Mattie didn't want to, she could already imagine how he'd gotten the money for it.

"Hurry up," Lottie motioned for her to run the errand. Mattie grabbed the sandwich and ran out the door.

"My sister is a saint," Veronica said from the sofa. She held up the glass of champagne, distracted by the bubbles. Lazily she lowered it to take a sip. "Getting knocked up and forced to raise Mattie on her own, only to have that dumb bastard show up sixteen years later with another kid. I mean, you've got to be shitting me! Showing up with another child from another woman and asking Victoria to raise him! Those two are lucky that they have a mother like her."

Maggie struggled to keep her mouth shut. She was the one who had raised Mattie while Victoria struggled to buy drugs _and_ pay the bills. She was the one that was now raising Charlie. She was also the one that had cared for Minnie and Lottie plenty of times while Veronica went out with whatever man she was with at the time.

"Charlie, open up," Mattie banged on the door. She looked like an idiot with a sandwich in her hand, wearing just a robe and slippers on her feet. The door didn't budge a bit when suddenly it swung right open. "What are you doing here?" she looked up at Jeremy.

"I slept on the sofa," he told her. "I was just heading to the store. Do you need anything?"

"No," Mattie shook her head. "But could I get a ride to the church when you come back? They left without me."

"No worries," Jeremy agreed easily. "I should be back, ten-fifteen minutes."

"Thanks," she said and they switched places so that she was in the house and he was walking down the front walk. "Charlie," she cried out. "I brought you a sandwich so you wouldn't have to wait until the reception to eat. Charlie?" She found him out back and froze. "What the hell are you doing?"

Charlie, the eleven-year old was caught red handed—a cigarette in his hand.

"Where did you get that?" Mattie set down the sandwich and came to sit next to him. There were two cement steps and then an overgrown garden.

"Jeremy," Charlie admitted.

Mattie's shoulders sagged. "I can't believe he still makes those things."

Charlie shrugged, not at all concerned with being caught. He took a drag and then looked in question at the food.

"You don't get it if you're smoking that thing," Mattie said quickly. He stamped out the cigarette and took the plate of food inside.

"Here," he stopped with one leg in the door. He threw something at her and she caught it just in time. It was another cigarette. He nodded to a lighter that sat on the top step. "Maybe if you smoke it you'll finally relax for once."

He said it with a straight face so she didn't know if it was meant to be a joke or not. Rubbing at her eye, she sighed, but couldn't stop looking at the cigarette. She remembered being his age, growing up on this same road. She had hated knowing that people looked at her like she was trash because she had no money and she hated that even the ones that had less than she did still looked at her like she was shit because they knew who her mum was.

It was no surprise really that she had found Charlie smoking. Really, United Earth shouldn't be so proud that they'd stopped commercially selling cigarettes. Clearly, they still existed.

As if she was forgetting who she was for a moment, forgetting the fact that she was a hypochondriac that over analyzed her health, her hand picked up the lighter and the next moment she inhaled the tobacco.

She remembered another time she'd felt like this, not caring about her health. After John Harrison had shot her she'd woken up in the hospital and suddenly realized that being healthy didn't mean you would stay alive.

After almost dying again, aboard the _Enterprise_ , she'd realized for the second time that worrying all the time was overrated.

The smoke curled around her and she closed her eyes, breathing in deep. She knew she'd always worry about her health, at this point it was easier to admit than deny that when she got stressed she funneled all of those concerns into health-related anxiety. For one minute though she did something bad, smoking the cigarette, and forcing herself to block out any bad thoughts so that she could enjoy the moment.

Her eyes still closed she wondered how everybody else's shore leave was going. Then she smiled softly. Nobody would ever believe her if she told any of her _Enterprise_ mates that she had smoked tobacco. Not her, not the hypochondriac.

She stepped on the cigarette butt, using the tip of her slipper. The rollers on her head felt funny and she knew that Lottie would be pissed that she'd need to redo Mattie's lipstick.

Strangely though, it had been worth it.

* * *

Mattie had to admit – they looked like they were in love. Minnie and her new husband, William, were dancing around in the middle of the dance floor. Even Lottie looked relaxed for once with her arms thrown up as she jumped up and down with the beat of the music.

Mattie stood off to the side, nursing a beer, as she watched the crowd. The cake was about to be cut and she was only briefly wondered if Scotty was going to remember to call her with an excuse to leave.

"Minnie made you look like a doll or something with all that pink."

Mattie turned to see her mother had snuck up on her. Victoria Hanson wasn't even forty yet, but she looked worn out. Her hair didn't shine and no amount of concealer could hide the bags under her eyes. Her dress was skintight but at least she hadn't brought a date.

"I like the dress," Mattie said quietly. She really did. It was a light pink strapless dress that stopped an inch or two above her knees. The dress had a sweetheart neckline and was tight around her chest, but it had a soft skirt that twirled prettily when she spun around. One hand holding her beer, her other hand nervously touched her necklace.

"Did you pay for it?" Victoria asked making Mattie uncomfortable. "Bridesmaids are supposed to pay for stuff, but that William has money. His father owns a company or something."

"I didn't know that," she said politely.

"Is that all you're going to say?" her mother said bluntly. "Away for how many years, now you're in space all the time, and you're not even going to talk to me."

Mattie kept her face blank. "I didn't see you before the ceremony."

"I was running late, had to sneak in."

Jeremy appeared in front of her, clearly taking pity on her and offered his hand. She took him up on his silent offer to dance. Victoria didn't even complain too much when Mattie handed her the still mostly full pint of beer.

"Thank you," she said after a few moments of slow dancing. She looked up at Jeremy for a second before laying her head on his chest as they danced in circles.

She supposed this could have been her wedding, maybe even with Jeremy, had she stayed. If it wasn't for Starfleet she'd never have gotten out. She hadn't even finished secondary school when she'd taken the entrance exam. Looking back now, she could clearly see that it wasn't always easy to get out of the tiny town that was known for its low socioeconomic status.

Jeremy's hand was on her back as they danced and she didn't think it was so bad. If she left soon, maybe the whole visit wouldn't turn out so bad.

Shifting her head so that her other cheek was pressed into his chest, she spotted Minnie walking off the dance floor in a huff. Lottie was quick to follow.

Sighing she stepped back from Jeremy. "I'll be back," she said and hurried after them. They had slipped into a dark passageway, a part of the reception hall that they weren't using.

"Are you shitting me?" Minnie hissed. Lottie's bitchy face had returned.

"I said it didn't I," she shouted wildly. Mattie had no idea what she had said, but she was guessing it wasn't good.

"You're such a damn hypocrite," Minnie yelled. The tiara on her head was slipping off. She didn't care to fix it as she fought with her sister. "I can't believe I made you my maid of honor."

"Who else were you going to ask?" she scoffed. "Nobody wanted to be in your stupid wedding. They're only here because of the bar."

"Fuck off," Minnie shrieked.

"Make me," Lottie stumbled. They'd both had too much to drink.

"Guys just stop it," Mattie stepped in. "Minnie," she pleaded. "Let's go cut the cake."

"You can fuck off too." Minnie was too angry now to make any sense. Bleary eyed, she rushed towards her sister and pushed her.

"Stop it," Lottie growled angrily.

"Minnie it's your wedding," Mattie tried to get through to her. It was too late though because Lottie had lunged at Minnie in retribution.

In a whirl, there was some hair pulling and catcalling and before she knew it a ball of wedding and bridesmaid dresses had accidently knocked into her. Her shoulder throbbed sharply as she fell back into the wall. Hair pins crushed into her skull and her shoulder was clawed in mistake.

"Alight, alright," a strong voice broke into the mix. Jeremy picked Mattie up off the floor where she'd slid down the wall. "What the hell kinda wedding party is this?"

"Oh fuck off Jer." Lottie stood back up, smoothing down her dress as she staggered while putting on a high heel that had knocked off. She limped away from her sister, the fight seemingly over.

"Wills is ready for the cake, come on," Jeremy told Minnie. Sniffling the bride fixed her tiara and walked back to her party.

"How come that worked when you said it?" Mattie complained. Her skin was tender where she'd been knocked down, but for the most part she was fine.

Jeremy just shrugged. "I heard your communicator going off."

"Shit." Mattie ran to her bag, which had been left at a table, and rummaged through until she got the device. "Scotty, " she called out in relief.

"Aye, Mattie Lass," the Chief Engineer said through the line. "I didn't mean to call you so late. I've just been at the hospital though."

"Hospital?" Mattie said quickly. "What's wrong, Mr. Scott are you okay?"

"Oh, yes, yes, I'm fine," he said just as quickly. "It's not me. Anyway, I suppose you can use this as an excuse. Maybe take your revenge on Dr. McCoy now that he's the one laid up in bed."

"Laid up in bed?" Mattie said with surprise.

"Aye, the lad had an accident. Anyway, you can come keep me company in the waiting room if you'd like. We're at the San Francisco Starfleet Hospital."

"I'll be there soon," Mattie promised. She threw her communicator in her bag and looked up to see Maggie beside her.

"They brought you down again," she said sadly as she stared at Mattie's bare shoulders, where a bruise was forming.

Mattie tucked a stray hair behind her ear and grabbed her canvas tote bag. It had a pair of jeans that she'd been wearing earlier and random things she'd brought to get ready for the wedding. She put it over her good shoulder.

"I have to go," she told Maggie. The older woman just nodded. Wrapping her into a hug, Mattie whispered into her ear. "I'll see you soon, okay."

"Stay safe, Mattie girl," Maggie whispered back.

"You'll tell Charlie I said goodbye?" she asked. Maggie nodded again.

* * *

It had been a couple hours past midnight in England when Scotty had called and Mattie had rushed to find the nearest Transporter. By the time she arrived in San Francisco it was only near seven in the evening. The sky was still bright, though clouds were trying to block out the sunset. A mixture of pink and dark blue clouds painted the sky.

The hospital had its own set of Transporters that allowed for easy access for visitors and patients. She headed to the main entrance passing a blur of medical staff and Starfleet members. Situated so close to Starfleet headquarters and the Academy, it was easily one of the most important hospitals on Earth.

"Mr. Sulu," Mattie greeted with surprise. He was leaned up against a rail as he stood on the entrance steps.

He smiled nicely at her when he realized who she was. They didn't have a ton of contact, he was on the Bridge after all, but he certainly knew her after she'd gotten sick when he was the acting captain.

"Are you okay?" he said instantly.

Looking down at her shoulder she blushed. "Oh." She couldn't think of an excuse fast enough. "It's not a Hanson family event without at least one catfight." Her face now matched her dress.

"Here." He tugged off his dress coat and handed it to her.

"Oh no," she tried to wave it away but he insisted. "I can't. You're all dressed up so nice."

"Eh," he shrugged. Without his coat, he still looked nice with his suit on. "My husband and I went out for a nice dinner. By the time we got home even he was wondering why I hadn't been called away on an emergency."

Mattie enjoyed his good-natured humor. "Is it really bad?" she cautiously asked.

Sulu's face was serious but showed no signs of being overly worried. "Captain Kirk and McCoy had gotten into it an argument when McCoy was hit by a hovercar."

"Holy shit," Mattie yelped. "Dr. McCoy got hit by a hovercar?"

The helmsman nodded grimly. "It wasn't going fast, which is probably why they say they'll be willing to release him later. Well, that and the fact that McCoy doesn't make for a very good patient."

"Figures," Mattie shook her head. "Is Captain Kirk alright? I imagine he hasn't left McCoy's bedside."

Sulu's face remained solemn. "Actually Kirk and him got into a pretty big fight. He made sure that McCoy made it to the hospital but he didn't stick around."

Mattie was visibly shocked. She blinked up at Sulu.

"He found out today that Dr. Marcus left Starfleet," Sulu explained as he studied Mattie. She knew he must be wondering if she had known. "They really got into it. Hopefully, they'll both come around."

Mattie nodded for a lack of knowing what else to do or say.

"Chekov had to leave," Sulu told her. "But Mr. Spock, Uhura, and Scotty are in the waiting room. I'm waiting on a call, which is why I'm out here."

"I'll go check in with them," she said so that he would have some privacy.

"I'll be in soon," he nodded.

It was easy to find the small group of crewmembers because Mr. Spock was pacing up and down, his hands behind his back.

"Hi," she said shyly.

"Hey," Uhura sat up in her chair. It was weird seeing everybody out of their uniforms. Uhura looked put together if not bored at being stuck at the hospital. "You look like you've had a night."

Mattie blushed again. "I was a bridesmaid," she said. She took a seat next to Scotty.

"And I saved ya didn't I lassie," Scotty said proudly.

"How is Dr. McCoy?" she asked the group.

"His condition is fortunately not critical," Spock said. "They are running a few more tests and he has been asleep."

"Was anybody else hurt?"

"The driver wasn't hurt," Uhura told her. "He just didn't know how to drive."

"Bad luck on McCoy's part." She couldn't think of anything else to say. In fact, there really wasn't much to say. Spock walked listlessly in thought and Scotty sang drinking songs under his breath much to Uhura's amusement. An hour later a doctor came out to speak with them.

"He will be fine," the doctor told them. "He's resting now, but when he's awake I say it'll be alright to be discharged so long as he's coherent. I do advise somebody helping him get home."

Suddenly it was a game of Russian roulette with everyone looking at one another with wide eyes.

"Usually it'd be Jim who'd be doing this kinda thing," Scotty voiced what everyone was thinking.

"But he's not here," Mattie pointed out.

"And there's no way in hell that he's going to let Spock help him out," Uhura said. Spock's brows furrowed. "There's no way." He finally nodded in agreement.

"Well, I would do it…" Scotty didn't even bother to think of an excuse.

"I really need to get home," Sulu admitted and as he had a family he was immediately off the hook.

"Could we call M'Benga?" Uhura wondered.

"I think that'd put McCoy right back in the hospital," Scotty responded. "Or it'd end up with M'Benga in the hospital."

"I'll do it."

They all looked at Mattie. She shrugged.

"You guys all have to be somewhere and I don't." She stood up as did the rest of them. She tried shrugging out of the coat Sulu had lent her but he held up his hands to tell her to stop.

"You keep it," he said easily.

"I'm staying here in San Francisco," she told him. "I can return it to you before shore leave ends."

"Sounds like a plan," he agreed to the trade-off.

"I'll go wait in his room then," she said to the group. "You guys can head home. It's late and we all know what he's going to be like when he wakes up."

"You're a brave soul," Scotty patted her shoulders as he ambled away.

"Call me if you need any help," Uhura made her promise.

"Give the Doctor my regards," Spock asked her before following Uhura out.

She turned back to see them walking away, before heading to the room that the doctor had told them he was in. McCoy was asleep in the bed.

She let her tote bag fall to the ground and then fell into a blue chair that was next to the bed. It wasn't very comfortable.

It felt funny that she was there, just sitting next to a sleeping Dr. McCoy. He wasn't going to be nice when he woke up and he'd probably be even less nice when he found her there instead of Captain Kirk.

Still, it didn't feel right to leave the doctor all alone, especially when he would need help getting back home, wherever that was. So she settled back into the seat, propping her head up with her hand as she slouched. She wiggled her silver high heels off, the strappy shoes lying in a heap in front of the chair. Occasionally a nurse would come in, but really it was just her and the sleeping doctor.

She wasn't keeping track of time, but she felt like it was moving slowly. Either that was because it was or just because there was nothing for her to do but wait. Eventually, she heard movement and looked over at the bed. McCoy blinked at her.

"Hi," she said quietly as she sat up.

He groaned as he lifted himself up.

"Hang on," she told him. "Be careful. You're going to be sore."

"What the hell." McCoy looked at her funny. "Why are you…what's going on?"

"You got hit by a hovercar," she told him.

He looked at her blankly. "I don't have amnesia, I know why I'm here. I'm asking what the hell you're doing here?"

"Scotty called me and then the doctors advised us that somebody should help you get home."

"I can get home myself." McCoy made a funny face, probably mentally cussing out the hospital's medical staff. He sat up in bed to reveal that he was only in a hospital gown. Mattie tried not to laugh at his situation. "Where are my clothes?"

She handed him a pair of trousers. "For the record, it was either me or M'Benga."

"What?"

"Helping you get home," she explained as he unfolded his shirt. "It was either me or M'Benga."

McCoy lowered the shirt and tried to take a deep calming breath.

"You're welcome," she replied. He gave her a pointed look. "Oh, right sorry," she stood up and put her shoes on. "I'll just be outside while you change. Um," she mumbled as she scooped up her bag. When she stood up straight she caught McCoy staring at her strangely.

"What are you wearing?" he squinted at her.

She looked down at herself. "My cousin got married."

"The jacket?"

"Oh, Sulu let me borrow it." She smiled except he was still looking at her weirdly. "What's wrong?"

"Why are you wearing his jacket?" He didn't know why it bothered him so much that she was wearing his jacket.

"Because I didn't have one." It was the half truth. "I'm going to go outside now."

"Why don't you have your own jacket?" he asked as she closed the door. She stopped a nurse to let somebody know that McCoy was awake. Then several people were in and out of the room all the while McCoy complained loudly about how he was a 'fucking medical doctor, and he goddamn knew how to take care of himself.'

They were more than happy for the doctor to check himself out.

"It's better to be safe than sorry, Leonard," a female doctor told him as he signed some paperwork. "Lay off any manual labor, don't bother exercising, and for goodness sakes take some time to rest. Is your friend going to help you get home?" Mattie nodded while McCoy grumbled. "Good. Now the next time I see you here, it better be because of work and not another injury."

"Yeah, yeah," McCoy nodded and handed a PADD back to her. "It's always a pleasure seeing you, Joy."

"Tell your mom I said hi," the doctor teased.

McCoy turned back around and headed for the door. Mattie could see it in his eyes, that he was trying to move at his normal fast pace, but his body was too tired and sore to actually let that happen.

"I don't need a goddamn babysitter," he said under his breath. Mattie wanted to roll her eyes, but Lottie had done enough of that earlier in the day for the both of them.

"Payback is a bitch." Mattie relished saying the words to McCoy. It surprised McCoy enough that he actually stopped to turn around. She pulled an innocent face.

"Fine," he grumbled. "But only to my front door and only so I can tell Joy that I followed doctor's orders."

"Fine with me," she agreed. They headed to the Transporters, it wasn't so busy at this time of night. "Where do you live?"

"I'm meant to stay with my Mom," he conceded. "She's got a house in Atlanta."

"Georgia?" Mattie said unsure. He nodded. "It'll be nice to see her, I bet." He grunted in reply. Okay, so much for the small talk.

One moment she was in San Francisco and the next moment she was in Atlanta. That meant so far she'd been in three different time zones.

It was dark, with a few bright street lamps, but the roads were mostly clear and it wasn't nearly as busy as it had been by the hospital. The night air was just breezy enough that McCoy stuck his hands in his pockets to keep warm.

"It's about a half mile down that way," he confessed.

She looked down the empty road. It wasn't that she was afraid of the walk, she was just worried that he'd be able to manage it. She turned back to him in question.

"It's fine," he gruffed.

"I could find a cab?" she suggested.

"Be a waste of money," he replied.

"Tell me if you get tired," she ordered, though her voice lacked the sternness that McCoy conveyed when he was talking to patients.

"I said it'd be fine," he was adamant.

"Dr. McCoy you are aggravating you know that."

"Right back at ya."

They fell into step, silent at first as the walked down the road. The Transporter had been on the corner of a busy cross-section, with a petrol station on one corner and random cafes and shops. They quickly passed into a more residential area walking along the sidewalk. Mattie tried not to notice how nice the houses looked.

"So the dress?" he asked again.

"I told you." She wrapped her arms around herself. "My cousin Minnie got married."

They lapped back into silence.

"This is stupid," he tried again. "I'll be fine on my own."

"Shut up," she responded. She was surprised when he did and then she actually felt a little bad. Taking pity, she tried her best to strike up a conversation. "I'm sorry you got hurt."

He grunted again and Mattie rolled her eyes at how boyish he was being.

"I'm sorry too," she began. "About Captain Kirk and all."

A beat passed and she wondered if she'd gone out of bounds.

"I suppose you knew? About Carol leaving?"

She tried to discreetly look at him. He was watching his feet as he walked. "If it makes you feel any better she told Mr. Spock before she told me."

He grunted but this time it had a little chuckle with him. "Something I won't point out to Jim anytime soon."

Mattie smiled lightly but it slipped away easily. "She'd already made up her mind before she told me."

McCoy met her eyes. "I'm sorry."

Mattie shrugged and they continued down the road. The houses were getting bigger and bigger as they went.

"Sulu came to the hospital?" McCoy questioned. His voice sounded unsure like it didn't seem possible that Sulu would have come to visit him.

"Yeah," she said. "And Scotty and Uhura. Chekov had been there. Even Spock was worried." McCoy stayed silent. "A lot of people care for you, Dr. McCoy."

He scratched at his jawline. "It's the same for you. The entire time you were sick I had a line of redshirts taking up space in my Sickbay."

Mattie laughed to herself. "You're very possessive of the Sickbay."

"It's mine," he claimed.

Mattie shook her head in laughter. She noticed that McCoy was slowing down. "Is there somebody we could call for a ride?"

"No," McCoy said firmly.

"Is your mum expecting you?"

"Hours ago," he admitted. "I didn't tell her that I was in an accident."

"She'll be worried," Mattie stated.

"More so if I'd called her," McCoy defended.

"Can we at least stop for a break," Mattie tried.

"No," McCoy refused. "It's just up the road. There's no point in stopping."

"Should I point out now or later how illogical you're being?" She took pleasure in seeing his eyes flash at her choice of words. "Also you're a bad patient."

"Takes one to know one."

"All you keep doing is reminding me that I'm similar to you," Mattie frowned. "I don't think I like it."

McCoy made a funny face. "Are you trying to say something?"

"Only that you're annoying," she said. "And I don't want to be like you."

"What's wrong with being me?" McCoy's voice changed. Mattie wondered what he was thinking.

"Nothing," she clarified. "It's just that you're always grumpy and harsh and you somehow keep offending science officers' mothers, which they don't appreciate by the way. It's all perfectly fine if you're a doctor named McCoy, but I don't want to be grumpy."

"I'm not grumpy," McCoy protected his character. "That's a mischaracterization," he affirmed.

Mattie laughed. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yes," he frowned. She wanted to point out that his frown proved her point.

"So you haven't been complaining this entire time while I've tried to help you home?"

"I don't need help," he said in exasperation. "I'm perfectly fine." The attempt would have been more significant if he didn't barrel over, clutching his side.

Dropping the argument she brought her hand to his side, trying to help him. "Did they have to heal your ribs?"

Squeezing his eyes tight he nodded. Slowly he tried to straighten his spine.

"We can call your mum," she pleaded.

"No," he breathed heavily. "I was the stupid idiot, I have to deal with the consequences."

"Saying that makes you the stupid idiot, Dr. McCoy."

"Would you quit calling me that," he responded.

"What?"

"You keep calling me Dr. McCoy. It's weird, stop it."

"How is it weird, it's your name."

"I know," he took a step forward. "But we're in the middle of Georgia in the middle of the night. Just call me Leonard."

"But that's weird."

"That's my name!"

"I know, it's kinda a weird name though."

"And Mattie's not?"

"Why do we always have to go back and forth?"

"Because," Leonard growled. "You're annoying!"

The street became silent once more after Dr. McCoy had yelled that last part. Not wanting to admit that that had been awkward he walked forward, stumbling slightly.

"Here," she grabbed his arm to balance him. He opened his mouth but she gave him a sharp look.

"It's this one," he said after a few more minutes of walking.

"This is your house?" Mattie asked in awe.

It sat on a large property. The driveway sloped downwards and led to a massive house. To Mattie, it looked like a supersized cabin, largely made up of wood. There were green shutters and the porch was massive. It wrapped around and the stairs that lead up to it made it look picturesque.

Mattie didn't say anything but it was clear that Leonard McCoy came from money. He'd probably be horrified if he ever saw where she grew up.

"No," Leonard denied. "This is my mother's house." He slipped out of her grasp and walked past the mailbox heading towards the porch. She hurried to follow him.

"Did you grow up here?" she asked.

"Yes," Leonard said. Thinking that he was safe now that he was at home, he tried walking faster and tripped over a step. Mattie jumped to grab him by the shoulder so that he didn't completely eat it. "Okay, okay," he brushed her off.

Except he felt bad when he turned around to face her. The porch light was off, but he could clearly see her. Blonde wisps fell into her eyes and he noticed her silver heels for the first time. He had been wondering why she seemed different, taller. He'd figured it'd been the drugs making him loopy.

Sulu's black jacket dwarfed her, but he couldn't stop thinking about how she was wearing a dress. He also couldn't help thinking that he liked what she was wearing minus another guys jacket. Then he internally rolled his eyes. Sulu was a gay married man for fuck sakes.

She stared up at him, waiting for him to say something to her. He knew that he'd been grumbling the entire time, but now that they were here he felt bad about sending her off. Still, he wasn't about to let his mother ask him questions. Was it polite to offer to call her a cab? Shit, it'd been a long time since he'd had to think about somebody of the opposite sex.

"Where are you headed to?" he asked.

"I'm staying with my friend Oscar in San Francisco." She bobbled around on her heels.

He groaned. "If you were staying in San Francisco then why'd you come here?"

"Not this again," she sighed. "Unless you wanted M'Benga's help."

Leonard was saved from answering when the front door opened.

"Leonard?" a woman called out. The porch light was flipped on and she poked her head out. "Leonard, what are you doing out here? I've been waiting ages for you. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine mom," he sighed.

"Jim called to tell me that you were in the hospital," the woman admonished.

"Dammit," Leonard whispered under his breath before looking back at his mom. "I'm fine. It wasn't a big deal."

"Big deal my ass," she replied. "Oh, would you just get in here so I don't have to yell at you on the porch. We'll wake up Mrs. Coates." That's when the woman's eyes cast upon Mattie. "You too. Get on in here."

Before then Mattie had kinda hoped that Dr. McCoy's mother hadn't noticed her standing on the porch. Too late for that she followed the man inside the house and if the outside was gorgeous the inside was breathtaking. Yet, it also felt cozy at the same time.

Leonard's mother tried to touch his cheek but he ducked out of the way.

"Come here," she demanded. "Let me see you. What happened? And why did I find you outside with a woman?"

"Mom," Leonard groaned.

She smiled, her eyes twinkling as she teased. Then she turned to Mattie. "Who do we have here?"

Mattie felt her cheeks hit up under the scrutiny. "Hi, I'm Mattie. I was just…making sure he got home safe."

"What a lovely name," she complimented. "Well, come in. Let me take your jacket. That's a beautiful dress."

"Thank you," she said shyly.

"Here, come in and get settled."

"Mom," Leonard complained. "It's the middle of the night."

"No," his mother snapped back. "It's now the morning. Now let me treat our guest right."

"She has to get going," he tried again.

"Nonsense," she said. "I'm just about to make breakfast."

"It's three in the morning!"

"You were the one that showed up here at this time of day." She wasn't even facing Leonard but when he opened his mouth to argue back she held up her hand, silently telling him to knock it off. In a gentler tone, she spoke to Mattie. "Leonard's favorite meal in the entire world is pecan pancakes. I always have to make them when he comes to visit. Why don't you join us?"

McCoy's mother looked at her so expectantly. It was a little unnerving because she discovered that the doctor got his eyes from his mum. Standing in the foyer she hesitated looking from the older woman, her eyes wide and hoping, to McCoy who stood behind her shaking his head no, telling Mattie not to do it. Well, to hell with it.

"If you're sure," Mattie finally said.

"Of course I'm sure," the woman clapped in delight. "Now here let me take that." She reached to grab the coat around Mattie's shoulders. She kept her face blank when she saw the young woman's bare shoulders. Mattie avoided her gaze in embarrassment. "I'll get you a wrap," the woman said. "It gets so drafty in here. Leonard, start getting all the ingredients out for me."

Mattie met the woman's eyes. She'd been blocking Leonard's view the entire time so that he wouldn't see her scratch and bruise.

"I'm Georgia McCoy," she told her kindly. "It's a pretty easy name to remember considering that I live in Georgia."

Mattie smiled. Georgia moved around now that Leonard had moved out of the foyer. She went into a sitting room and grabbed something off the couch.

"Here." She handed a cream cardigan to the younger woman. "I just got this the other day. Feel, it's so soft. Now come on."

Mattie followed Georgia through the house until they ended up in the kitchen. It was huge and looked fancy. Leonard placed a container of flour on the kitchen island and then took a seat at one of its barstools.

"Have a seat, Mattie," the southern woman said. "We'll get to you in a second, but first my son." She had been rifling through a pantry when she stopped to look over her shoulder. "What the hell did you do?"

Leonard, despite being a grown man, looked like he wanted to sink into a puddle. "It was nothing, mom."

"That's not answering the question. Why isn't Jim here, the only reason I didn't come down there was because he swore up and down that he'd look after you."

Leonard looked down at the counter instead of looking directly at his mother while he spoke. "Jim and I got into it."

"Into it?" his mom paused again. "What happened?"

Leonard was silent. Georgia's eyes cut to Mattie, challenging her to _not_ answer the question.

"Captain Kirk's crush, Dr. Marcus left Starfleet but didn't tell anybody."

"And that equated to you guys fighting?" Georgia pressed.

"That equated to him acting like a moron," Leonard stated.

His mother put her hand on a hip. "Let me guess, he ran his mouth off, then you ran your mouth off and now neither wants to apologize so you're not speaking to one another."

Mattie watched Leonard closely. His fists curled and she wondered what they'd said to one another.

"But how'd that end up to you tripping and hitting your head?" Georgia asked.

Leonard's face showed shock but he quickly hid it. Jim had at least been nice enough not to tell his mother the real reason he was in the hospital.

Georgia looked back at him. She was whisking ingredients together. "Leonard?" she prompted.

"Ugh, I just," he bumbled.

"He didn't trip and fall," Mattie cut him off. He gritted his teeth as his eyes cut to hers. "He got hit by a hovercar."

Georgia gasped loudly, placing the bowl in her hands on the counter she rushed over to her son in a panic.

"I'm fine," he assured her. "It nothing." He waved her away. "Just go back to making pancakes."

"Are you hearing this?" she looked at Mattie. "He gets hit by a car and he's still being an asshole."

Mattie closed her eyes, a smile on her face.

"What are you doing?" Leonard whispered angrily from beside her.

"Memorizing this moment," she said. "M'Benga's going to love this."

"You wouldn't dare," he growled. She smiled wider.

"You're in Starfleet, Mattie?" Georgia asked.

"Yes, I'm an engineer."

"Oh, so you've seen Leonard yelling lots of times."

"Yep," Mattie replied. Georgia smiled wryly.

Leonard fidgeted. "Don't add to my mischaracterization."

"Do you need any help?" Mattie asked Mrs. McCoy.

"No," Georgia said. "I know the recipe like the back of my hand. Have you ever had pecan pancakes before?"

She shook her head.

"Oh, well you're in for a treat," Georgia assured. "Like I said, Leonard's favorite. Leonard why don't you get her a drink. All that's left is cooking the pancakes."

Leonard got up off the stool and rummaged through a fridge. "Is there something you would like?"

Mattie shrugged, unsure.

"Beer?"

"Leonard," his mother admonished.

He shrugged boyishly. "Water, fancy sparkling water, orange juice, this…whatever this is," he said, peering at a soda label. Deciding that she was taking too long to answer her grabbed a couple of cans of fancy sparkling water, grabbing enough so that his mother could have a drink as well.

He closed the fridge and shuffled back to the kitchen island. He took one of the cans and opened it, placing a pink straw in the opened tab. He waved at it in a cheeky manner, thinking he was being funny with the pomp and circumstance. And funnily enough, she liked his childlike humor.

"Here," Georgia placed a large stack of pancakes in front of her. "You're too skinny anyways."

Mattie didn't know why she looked up at Leonard.

"Jesus, they're not going to bite," he said as he handed her a fork. "Just eat 'em already."

"They're really good," Mattie laughed after the first bite.

"What?" McCoy huffed. "Did you not believe us or something?"

"Leonard," his mother warned before turning back to Mattie. "We can set up the guest room, you can grab a few hours of sleep."

"Oh," Mattie started. Eating pancakes in Leonard McCoy's kitchen was one thing, sleeping in the guest room was a whole other matter. "No, I can't. My friend Oscar is expecting me."

Mrs. McCoy titled her head to the side. "You sure?"

"Yes, but thank you."

"Okay," she replied lightly. "Leonard can help you get to the Transporter when you've finished eating. Take your time though."

Mattie smiled, but when Georgia McCoy slyly walked out of the kitchen she looked down at the food in front of her. It was okay, she thought, to be nervous about sitting beside Dr. Leonard McCoy in his mother's kitchen at a little after four in the morning. They both ate their pecan pancakes for a lack of anything better to do.

"Here, I'll take that for you," Leonard said when they were finished. He took the plates to the kitchen sink and started to rinse them.

"I can help," she insisted.

"Back off," he said but it lacked his usual grumpiness. "We're southern remember. Guests are meant to be pampered."

Mattie didn't have an automatic response for that. She stood in the kitchen, unsure if she should press the matter while tilting her head to watch him. Leonard seemed so human as he cleaned the kitchen for his mum. He looked over his shoulder suddenly, startling Mattie as she realized she'd just been caught staring at his backside. She flushed.

"Um, here," she said quickly handing him a towel. It was halfway in his hands when she tugged it back. "I'll dry them," she amended. He silently passed her a dish. "Your mum is really nice."

Leonard nodded.

"Does she live here alone?" Mattie hesitated.

He took a moment to answer. "My dad died about ten years back."

Guilt for asking the question flooded Mattie. "I'm sorry."

Leonard nodded again, not saying anything else on the matter.

When they'd finished the last dish, Mattie folded the towel on the counter and pushed herself away from the sink. The clock above the oven read that it was getting close to five in the morning. "I should get going. Um, is your mum around so that I can say thank you?"

"If she's smart she went back to bed," he answered. He himself was too tired to be properly annoyed at his mother's sneaky move. "I'll tell her you said goodbye."

"Thank her for the pancakes," she instructed.

"I will," he said as he led her back to the front foyer. "I'll walk you back."

"No," Mattie told him firmly. "I can handle the walk just fine. You need to rest."

McCoy looked like he wanted to refute that, but she raised an eyebrow and he sighed.

"Sulu's jacket," she said. He retrieved it from the front closet. Not meeting his eyes, she took his mothers cardigan off and slipped Sulu's coat over her shoulders. She handed him the cashmere jumper. "Thank your mum for that too."

Mattie moved around him and opened the front door. At the rate they were going she'd never get to San Francisco. She wondered why it seemed like they needed to drag this out…like neither wanted to leave the other, no matter how awkward it also felt.

It was dawn when they stepped outside on the porch.

"You'll tell your mum thanks," she said again. She turned around to look at him and found that he was looking at her in his funny way again. "McCoy, I…"

"What happened to your shoulder?" he cut her off.

"My cousins were fighting," she answered.

Leonard moved her coat back so that her shoulders were showing.

"I'm not your patient," she said softly. "It's shore leave."

He ignored her joking and reached out to her shoulder. His fingertips skimmed her upper arm. Mattie stayed still, looking at him. His eyes wouldn't meet hers, as he focused on her injuries.

His face, which was known for its wide range of expressions was calm. His hands trailed up and down her bare skin.

The way he touched her, she shouldn't have been able to even feel him, but she felt something alright. She felt something as they stood on the porch of his childhood home, while his hand stroked her shoulder, smoothing over her skin as if it wanted to heal the superficial injuries that marred her. It was electric, despite being the lightest of touches. She thought maybe she looked stupid, unable to move and just watching Leonard's face, her heartbeat quickening.

He took his hand away from her skin and she took a sharp intake of breath. With his hand gone, the electricity she was feeling should have gone away. He raised his hand again and brushed a tendril of hair behind her ear.

"It's a chignon," she said stupidly. The words made Leonard smile slightly like she amused him. His hand lowered from her face, but she caught it. "Giles says that you yell at the people you care about."

They were silent. She leant up on her toes, even though she was in heels, and there might have been a pause but then he moved his head forward, capturing her lips with his.

Leonard McCoy was kissing her. Slowly at first while the electricity inside Mattie moved to form butterflies as she breathlessly kissed him back. She was all too aware of a hand that snaked around her waist and how her body pushed against his, the feeling gentle and strong at the same time.

It felt all too good and felt all too right.

"Oh," she stumbled backwards. They had to both look comical as they stepped away from one another. She kept walking backwards, almost toppling down the stairs.

"I," Leonard tried.

"No," she waved her hand quickly. "It's okay," she spoke too rapidly.

"But, I," he stuttered. His face turned angry as she walked away. "You can't just walk by yourself. Not after that!"

She felt too hot, especially with the way he was looking at her. "No, it's okay," she rambled again. She was halfway down his driveway and he kept staring at her from the porch. It was like he was too stunned to move. "I'll see you around!"

She practically ran away, her face scrunching up as the embarrassment as she called herself a fool.

What the hell was she doing, being stupid enough to kiss Leonard McCoy.


	11. Chapter 11

M'Benga is MVP of this chapter

* * *

 **Chapter Eleven: A Chapter on Relationships**

 _You son of a bitch! Just because you couldn't keep your wife happy, threw away your so called perfectly good career on Earth to chase space, doesn't mean you get to rag on me for liking someone!_

God dammit, he hadn't been raggin on him. The kid had been a hot headed sap the minute he learned that Carol Marcus had left without saying goodbye. If she wanted to leave, there was nothin to it.

 _You want to tell me why I'm a damn idiot, take a look in the mirror Bones! You're living on a space ship you hate, you don't talk to your mother because you're afraid that she hates you, and you hate everybody because god forbid you let yourself enjoy something. Fuck off, Bones. You're not going to make me feel like shit because I actually have feelings for Carol, not when you're the whiny bitch incapable of love._

Incapable of love.

Damn Jim Kirk to hell.

Leonard's hands tightened around his duffle bag. He'd said goodbye to his mother this morning and had arrived in San Francisco in time to board a shuttle to the space dock where the _Enterprise_ was at.

It had been two weeks of shore leave and Leonard McCoy could easily say that it was quite possibly the worst shore leave he had ever had since enlisting in Starfleet. There was a multitude of things that made him come to that conclusion starting with the vicious fight that he'd had with Jim.

And he could tell ya, Jim Kirk might seem like an easy going, wise-cracking, pretty boy, but when he got into a fight he could get downright nasty. That had been the case when they'd started yelling at each other on the streets of San Francisco, right outside headquarters when he'd discovered that not only had Carol ended her time on their five year mission, but she was outta Starfleet for good. In fact she was gone in the wind. Didn't even say goodbye to Jim or anybody. No address left, and no way of knowing how to contact her.

All Leonard had suggested was letting Carol have her time, telling Jim to not start a full-fledged mission of tracking her down. She obviously wanted to be left the hell alone. When Jim, all worked up, had brought up that maybe Leonard wasn't the best to give relationship advice, citing his divorce from Pam…well that's when the gloves had come off.

Because Leonard had been so damn angry he'd actually been stupid enough to step off the curb and then that hovercar had been stupid enough to hit him. He'd been lucky that it was barely going fifteen miles per hour. A few cracked ribs and a bump to the head could have been a lot worse had that car been going any faster.

What was worse was that he didn't know which had hurt more – Jim's comment about him being incapable of love or the car hitting him.

Incapable of love.

It was such a cliché line to say, but god, how deep it could cut into a person. Yeah, his divorce had been a disaster. Horrific enough to make him join stupid Starfleet. Still, he didn't need it thrown in his face and he most certainly didn't appreciate the comment about his mother. She had every right to hate Leonard and the fact that Jim was going to use that information against him made him want to punch a wall.

Fucking hell, that's not even what made this shore leave such a terrible disaster.

Oh no, that would be making out with Mattie Hanson on his mother's porch like he was a teenage boy again. That's what really took the cake this shore leave.

 _I'll see you around!_

That made Leonard snort. She had the audacity to say that like they were just pals that had seen one another in the supermarket. For fuck sakes. She knew she'd see him around, they lived on a goddamn spaceship!

Really it was no wonder that Leonard was in such a mood as he stowed his bag away, avoided looking out the shuttle windows, and sunk his head back into his seat. Great, only four more years of this crap to go.

He raised an eyebrow, an automatic response, as redshirts filed onto the shuttle. Just his luck.

He had no clue what their names were or who they were for that matter but he could already tell they were stupid.

"Would you take that hat off already?" one of them complained. She was referring to a large sun hat, it's straw brim wide, that one of the guys was wearing. It was the kinda hat one wore on the beach and not on a shuttle.

"No," Hat Hoy replied. "If I take it off, that truly signifies that shore leave is over."

Leonard wanted to point out the inaccuracies of that statement but then he'd become Spock, and fuck that.

"Dazzle on, John," another man said. He did look slightly familiar, but Leonard really didn't care to place him.

"Has anybody seen Mattie?" the girl asked. Leonard honed in on the name like a beacon.

"Nah," the nameless boy said. "She should be around here though. She was staying at the shipyard."

"Why was she staying at the shipyard?" The girl scrunched up her nose, her pink skin wrinkling. "That's a weird place to stay at."

"No, it's not," John said. "She knows Oscar Gray."

Leonard had no clue who that was but he remembered her mentioning a friend that went by the name of Oscar.

The alien girl tilted her head in thought. "Isn't he the new shipyard foreman in San Francisco? He took over when Bertie retired."

"Yep," one of them said. "And he worked on the original construction of the _Enterprise_."

"How long till takeoff?" the girl asked.

"Ten minutes."

"If she didn't take a shuttle earlier and she misses this one she's screwed."

"Ye of little faith," John mocked. He nodded to the entrance.

Brushing blonde hair out of her face, Mattie smiled, out of breath as she slid into a seat next to the nameless boy.

He smiled down at her. "Good to see those overalls again."

She smiled back, her cheeks red from running. She was wearing a black fleece jacket that wasn't hers and Leonard had been around Jim enough to know when somebody was running late because of a long night out. She glanced at the other engineers, smiling in greeting before her eyes scanned the shuttle and caught sight of Leonard. She paled and sat back into her seat as if she was trying to disappear into it .

Leonard looked out the window. He closed his eyes during the takeoff, but his fear had lessened considerably after a considerable number of shuttle flights over the years. Landing in the shuttle bay, there was a sadness in the air, the kind that came on Sundays when you were little and not ready to go back to school. There was at least a fresher feeling, less tension than there had been before shore leave.

Well, at least everybody else had had a great time during shore leave.

Leonard caught up to Mattie as everybody exited the shuttle and headed back to their quarters before final flight checks.

"Do you wanna talk about this?" Leonard whispered to her.

She barely flicked her eyes up to look at him. She didn't head to the turbolift, preferring to take the access stairs. He followed her, stalking her through the Jeffries tubes, adamant that they'd at least talk about what had happened.

"Mattie," he grabbed her elbow so that she'd face him. She still refused to look at him, staring into his chest. He'd done something wrong, he knew that, he just wasn't expecting her to act like this. "If you don't want to talk, then that's fine, I will."

He could see her eyes roving around and knew she was listening.

"I'm sorry if I upset you," he said simply. She didn't say anything back. They just stood there stupidly. If he hadn't been sweating to begin with then he certainly was now. "Dammit, just say something Hanson. Either yell at me or tell me to fuck off."

She shook her head and he took it as a good sign.

"Look," he brought up one hand but then quickly dropped it. "You want to know the truth?... I liked kissing you."

Her head snapped up. She whirled around and walked off.

"Hey," he yelled. Dammit, he really was incapable of love. "Hold up a sec."

There was a small control room, hell if he knew what it controlled, that she ducked into. He followed her in, happy for the privacy even though she looked disgruntled.

"Why did you do that?" she asked. Her eyes were wide as she finally looked at him. The action was a small relief to him. "What did you want when you kissed me?"

He was genuinely taken aback by her questions. He struggled to answer. "What…what did I want? Nothing, dammit, it was just a kiss."

Her face conveyed a mistrust, the emotion in her eyes telling him that maybe something had once happened that made her think a kiss came with a lot more implications. All Leonard had done though was act on a feeling. A feeling that had been growing and appearing at a time in Leonard's life when he knew nothing about what he was doing with that said life.

"Can I ask you something?" Leonard asked desperately. She conceded with a tiny nod. "Did you like kissing me?"

"That has nothing to do with it," she said fiercely.

"What the hell does that mean?" Leonard shook his head. "And that's not answering the question."

"Well, why would you ask a question like that?"

"Still not answering the question!"

"The question is pointless if the intentions are stupid."

"The fuck does that even mean?" Leonard wanted to pull his hair out. "It was a simple goddamn question. Did you like kissing me or was I an idiot?"

"Maybe, yes, I liked kissing you," she admitted sharply. "Did you like it?"

"Yes."

His answer surprised her, he could tell by how she looked up at him. Her eyes were still wide, wondering, as they studied him.

The quiet grew around them, the slow whirl of something mechanical the only sound in the room. Leonard broke away though, tired of just standing around. He stepped forward, pressing his lips to hers.

"No," she slapped at his chest after a minute. He stumbled back. "We can't do that."

"Would you stop being stupid," he growled back. He hadn't taken a leap of faith just for her to be so frustratingly confusing. "Kissing on a spaceship isn't my first idea of a good time either, but it's been done and if you don't mind I'd like to keep doing it."

"No," she stepped back quickly. Her fear, rubbed off on him, scared that he'd hurt her. "It's not kissing on a starship that bothers me. I've been down this path before, kissing men and acting like an idiot. I'm not going to kiss you and get treated like a ragdoll. I'm going to be with somebody that doesn't kick me out of the bed after sex or expect me to do everything for them. So, I'm sorry Dr. McCoy,-."

"Leonard," he fixed under his breath.

"Because for some reason, somehow I ended up liking you. I really don't know why because a lot of the time you're annoying, but your mum was really nice to me."

"Are you being serious right now?"

"If I'm going to be with somebody then I'm going to be with somebody. I'm not there just to kiss them. I'm going to be there to cuddle with them after sex and I'm going to listen to them even if they annoy the crap out of me. I want them to know that I love reading old car manuals and I'd like for them to like that I love being able to fix odd electrical problems. I want somebody who doesn't make fun of me for spending too much time researching diseases. I'm sorry, McCoy because I know that you don't like letting people in, but I need somebody who doesn't just like kissing me but wants me not just for the physical feel good stuff."

She didn't even give him time to answer, she rushed out of the control room so fast.

His head was spinning, his heart was a little mixed up and his ribs still hurt from where they'd been broken. Incapable of love, he thought to himself. Jim knew, his mom berated him for it, and even Mattie Hanson knew that he had a problem letting people in.

 _Incapable of love._

* * *

"What the fuck has happened in here?" M'Benga gaped at McCoy.

It had been eight hours since the ship had entered warp, but it had only taken Leonard thirty seconds to throw a PADD across his office. It had felt good, so after eight hours the office had slowly but surely been destroyed. Completely trashed really.

Leonard looked up from his desk. There was one mug left on his desk. He was saving it for the perfect moment to throw against the wall. He was honestly surprised Lee hadn't tattled on him to Jim or the assistant CMO. Whatever, M'Benga was here now so he could do the freaking out.

"What do you want?" he grunted.

He and M'Benga hadn't really been speaking since Mattie's mystery illness. It wasn't that they were fighting. It was more like there was an unease—anger that Leonard hadn't defended M'Benga's insane idea of what was causing the engineer's sickness.

"I don't know why they gave you an office if you don't even know how to take care of one," M'Benga sniffed haughtily. He handed the doctor a PADD. "Will you sign this?"

Leonard read over the report and handed it back.

"Seriously, what's with the office?" M'Benga asked.

"None of your business," Leonard moodily replied.

M'Benga walked out of the office. Two seconds later he reopened the door.

"You know why I'm a better person than you?"

Leonard picked up the mug and smashed it against the wall. He could always count on M'Benga to bring out the best in him.

"You know what," M'Benga continued. "I'm going to take pity on you." The door shut behind him and he took a seat across from Leonard. "It's the right thing to do since you've been fighting with the Captain."

"Shut up," Leonard grumbled. "I don't need your help."

He kept his vision focused on one of the four PADDs on his desk. It didn't work though because he could feel M'Benga's presence so instead he glared at him.

"I'm not going to leave until you tell me what's wrong," he declared. "That's why I'm a better person than you, because I have to put up with your crap."

"I'm the one that puts up with your crap," Leonard corrected angrily.

"If you don't tell me I'm going to start singing every song from _Wicked_."

"What the hell is _Wicked_?"

M'Benga gasped as he placed a hand over his heart. "It's a classic, Dr. McCoy."

"If you sing, it'll be you I throw into the wall next," he warned.

"Have you and the Captain tried to work things out?"

"No," he admitted as he swiped through a report on the screen in front of him.

"Maybe you should clean up your office before you do," the other doctor suggested. "You don't want him to know how despairing you've been."

"Fuck off, M'Benga," he pleaded. He rubbed his temple as he dropped the device out of his hand. He leaned back in his chair, taking a break for the first time in a while. "This doesn't even have anything to do with Jim."

A beat went by.

"Then why the fuck are you tearing up your office?" M'Benga's face showed even more worry, which pissed Leonard off. He didn't need M'Benga caring about him. When Leonard refused to answer him he got impatient. "Tell me what's wrong or I'll suggest to Spock that you're not fit for duty."

Leonard raised one eyebrow high, challenging the man.

"Look at your office," M'Benga's tone was firm. "And then think about who Spock is going to side with."

Leonard sighed dramatically. "You're going to fucking make fun of me and then I'll have to kill you and you're not my goddamn therapist so I don't have to talk to you."

"Holy shit you've got girl troubles."

Leonard sat up straight.

Seeing Leonard's startled expression, a wide smile stretched on M'Benga's face. "Hot damn! You've got a woman problem!"

"How'd you know that?"

"I make fun of you for everything," M'Benga said proudly. "You might hate me for it, but you don't care enough to worry about it. It makes sense that it would be about a girl if you're willing to kill me for it."

Leonard took a deep breath. Really he felt like killing himself to get out of this conversation. He knew he shouldn't joke like that, but he wasn't a perfect person.

M'Benga grew serious. "Listen, you can talk to me. I'm here to help you and clearly you need help. So tell me why you've trashed your office. Seriously, Maintenance is going to hate you."

Leonard still wasn't too keen on discussing the matter with M'Benga.

"Spock," he threatened.

Dammit.

"I kissed Mattie Hanson."

"Shit," M'Benga blurted. "Sorry, I mean," he paused. "Does Giles know?"

Leonard shifted his head. "What do you mean?" he started to panic. "Does Giles?"

"God no," M'Benga shook his head. "I just meant he's her guard dog."

"Oh," Leonard relaxed.

"Well," M'Benga prodded. "What happened?"

Leonard shrugged his shoulders. "We kissed and then she went on this long rant about only kissing people that treated her right and then she ran off."

"Hmmm," M'Benga said in thought. "You shouldn't take that the wrong way."

Leonard's expression told the doctor to go on.

"The girl's not been treated right by guys, at least not from what Giles has mentioned," M'Benga explained. "I think it might be good that she doesn't want to be made into a sex buddy."

"For god sakes," Leonard groaned. "That's not what I was doing."

"Then tell her that," M'Benga said. "I mean, I assume you have feelings for her?"

He hesitated—and then nodded.

"Good, I'm glad you've finally figured that out," M'Benga replied. McCoy was not about to ask him to expand on that. "And you want to pursue something with her?"

He stared down at his desk. He really didn't know what he'd been trying to get at when he'd first kissed her. "I can't," his voice almost cracked.

"Why not?" M'Benga wasn't giving up easily.

It took Leonard a moment to respond. "I'm not good at that. At any of that. She doesn't need that in her life."

M'Benga looked at him closely, his eyes narrowing as he inspected Leonard. "Hmm," he said again. "So you were just being selfish?"

"Yeah," he admitted.

"Or are you just making up excuses as to why you can't keep being selfish?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You're not Jim Kirk, Dr. McCoy," M'Benga stated the obvious. "I've known you for several years now. You're closed off and reserved, but I'll tell you now _it's easier to be angry than it is to move forward_. You don't hook up with women, you care too much and you constantly overanalyze. You didn't just randomly kiss Mattie Hanson because of a spur of the moment type of thing. You did it because you have feelings for her and I don't doubt that she likes you back. So you need to admit, before you completely break your office, that you're scared of getting involved with her because you're holding yourself back."

The last words M'Benga cut Leonard a little too deep because they were true.

M'Benga stood up. "Let people in, McCoy," he stated simply. "Not for your sake, but for others, 'cause I think people deserve to have you in their lives. Even if you are annoying as hell and grumpy all the time."

Leonard watched the man leave. In a lot of ways, it was the nicest thing that anybody had said to him. He would have never expected to have a moment like that with M'Benga. Letting the words roll over himself, Leonard sighed.

He wasn't scared, he told himself. He knew that was a lie. Oh, to hell with it.

He was out of breath when he found her in the same control room. He'd had to go through a maze of catwalks to get to it. She was bent down, hair falling into her face as she worked with a wrench.

"I don't like letting people in," he startled her. She dropped her wrench in surprise, ignoring it as she stood up. "You're afraid of people leaving you or treating you badly, I get that, but I'm the complete opposite where I'm terrified of letting people in."

She kept her distance, remaining silent. Her brow was furrowed as she listened.

"I'm not dead set on running into something, slapping a label on it," he insisted. "I like taking things slow, but I'm not a complete asshole. I would never kick somebody out of my bed after being with them and if I'm honest I really hate the fact that you spend so much time researching illnesses. But if that's what it takes then I'll get used to it. In return, I have to ask you for a couple things since I think it's only fair that we both meet each other midway."

He took her silence as a sign to go ahead.

"I'm going to need you to stop agreeing to everything M'Benga says." Her brows raised at the statement. "It's annoying and he's already full of himself enough as it is. I've been told that I'm not great at cuddling, so you'll have to deal with that even though I promise to try my best. Also if we start to hate each other you have to tell me. That way we can end it right then and there, a clean break so that we don't completely ruin one another. And I want us to stay professional. I'm the CMO for god sakes, I can't be a lovesick moron, you got that?"

There was the tiniest of nods from her.

"Okay, good." Taking a deep breath he nodded back. "Then I need you to kiss me. I need you to be the one to start this, so that I know that you're really in. If you just kiss me, then—."

Her mouth hit his.

She stood on her tiptoes, her hands bunching at his blue Starfleet shirt. One of his hands wrapped around her waist and he wondered if he was crushing her because it felt like he was holding her so tight. She didn't hesitate to match his heady movements, to kiss back as fiercely as he was and he suspected it was because she was thinking the same thing that he was—that it felt damn good to be touching one another.

His hand traveled on its own. God, he really was back to being his teenage self, a horny bastard needing more. His hand slid down her waist, resting on her ass when a loud clatter stunned them both, making them break apart to look at the doorway.

It was Hat Boy from the shuttle. Standing in the doorway his mouth was gaping open, horror and confusion sketched across his face. He'd been so surprised he'd dropped his wrench, accounting for the noise that had disturbed them. Hat Boy mumbled a few incoherent words, his lips trembling.

"But, ah, ahye." He backed up and broke into a sprint.

"John, no!" Mattie cried after him but it was a lost cause. Her head crashed softly into Leonard's chest, his hand on her back pulling her closer. "They're going to start making bets."

* * *

"Mr. Sulu how far out are we?" Captain Kirk asked.

"Approximately twenty minutes until we enter the Beta Quadrant," Sulu told him.

Kirk nodded at the news. He uncrossed his legs and then crossed them again. His focus wondered around the Bridge feeling Spock's eyes on him.

"Mr. Spock, can I help you with something?"

"No, Captain," he said plainly.

"Chekov have you been down to Engineering lately?" Kirk asked.

The young man brought his head up from his work. He looked suspicious of the Captain's question. "No, zir. I hav not."

"Oh," the Captain replied. He picked up an apple and rubbed it against his shirt. He took a bite, his mouth crunching loudly in an otherwise quiet Bridge. Spock was still looking at him funny. "What?"

The science officer's face was quizzical. "You are exhibiting behavior that clearly states you are in distress."

Kirk held up his hands, one with the apple as he shook his head in frustration. "How am I in distress? I'm the captain. It's my job to be on the Bridge."

"Your prolonged length of time on the Bridge in addition to your restless and frankly, useless, questions signals that your emotional state is unbalanced. Your recent argument with Dr. McCoy is a possible explanation as to why you have not behaved as you normally do."

"Are you done?" Jim punctuated each word slowly.

"Are you done moping?" Uhura asked from across the Bridge. The Captain narrowed his eyes at her in response. Rolling hers, she turned back to her station.

"I am not moping," he informed the Bridge crew. "I am responsibly performing my duties and staying informed through conversations with my crew."

"Technically you are fulfilling your duties as prescribed by Starfleet standards," Spock confirmed. "But still your personality has varied due to a lack of spontaneity, refusal to engage in away missions, and a general….mopeiness."

"Uhura stop teaching Spock new words."

"I myself know the definition of mope, though I do admit I took liberties with the grammatical usage," Spock defended himself.

"I'm not moping," Jim sighed.

Everyone grew still on the Bridge, not daring to look at one another.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Sulu finally asked.

"No!" Kirk stood up.

"He'z your bezt friend!" Chekov pleaded. "Juzt talk to him."

"I am not talking to him first," Jim said through gritted teeth.

Uhura rolled her eyes again.

"Captain, perhaps if you attempted an away mission you would take some sort of comfort from the task that would improve your mood."

"You're getting listless up here, Captain," Sulu explained. "For that matter so are we. It's been three days since boarding the _Enterprise_ again and you've not gone on one away mission."

"Nothing's struck my fancy," the Captain replied.

"Seriously, Captain you're driving us nuts," Uhura swung around in her chair.

"Oh, I'm so sorry that you are all suffering," Jim responded sarcastically. "Especially considering that you're not the ones arguing with your best friend."

"You started it!" Uhura said.

"Bones started it!"

"The prolonged nature of your argument with Dr. McCoy is more damaging than if you were to discuss the matter at hand in an adult manner."

"Adult manner?" Jim narrowed his eyes at Spock. "You just love telling me to be an adult, don't you?"

"Yes," Spock admitted and Jim's head jerked back.

"What?"

"You asked a simple question, and I responded," Spock explained. "It is quite satisfying suggesting that you act in an adult manner."

"Keptin, ve could chart," Chekov began to suggest.

"Nope," Jim slapped it down without letting him finish.

There was a collective groan and Jim rolled his eyes at everybody being so dramatic. So what if it was going on two full weeks since he'd talked to Bones. So what if guilt was nibbling away at him. Bones shouldn't have said what he said. Okay, so he also shouldn't have said what'd he said, but dammit if he was going to be the one to break the silence first.

"Oh, look it's Rupert," Jim's voice was too cheerful.

People often mistook Rupert for a security officer, with his large bodybuilder stature, but he was actually a very deft engineer. He was also very well known aboard the ship for his constant sunny disposition.

Smiling wide, he nodded in greeting. "Good afternoon, Captain. Scotty sends his regards." He stopped at Uhura's desk. "I've been informed you're encountering some technical problems?"

"Yes, thank you." She slipped out of her chair.

"Of course, no problem," he replied while beginning to take a look at her workstation.

"Rupert, you know why I like you?" Jim asked. He had finally finished his apple and left it laying on one of the armrests of the captain's chair.

"Is that a trick question, Captain?" the man laughed.

Kirk smiled back. "You always have the scoop. Tell me what's been going on lately."

"Ah," the man chuckled again. "You treat me like I'm a spy."

"Yes, Captain," Spock frowned. "You are asking him to divulge private information."

"No, I'm not," Jim reassured. "I'm asking him to tell me a funny story."

Rupert pulled out a pair of wire cutters, carefully working with the wiring in the communications desk. "Did I ever tell you about the time that Rixson made a bet against Scotty? Count yourself lucky, Captain Kirk, that the entire Engineering Deck didn't end up on fire."

"Aye!" Chekov turned around. "I remember zat! Scotty lost 'es eyebrowz!"

"What was the bet about?" Uhura asked.

"Who would win _Galaxy Sing Off_ ," Rupert grinned.

Uhura closed her eyes as she chuckled.

"We like making messes down there in Engineering," he said before looking up sharply at the Captain. "But when we do it ourselves, not because of some enemy fire or because we've been made to hide under the ocean for twenty-four hours."

Kirk put his hands up in surrender. "Duly noted."

"Course everyone's in a tizzy down there now anyways," the engineer thought out loud. He was almost finished with his work, just inspecting it and grabbing a small wrench to fit the consul back together again. "You know with John runnin' in to find the doctor kissing Mattie and all. It's been that kind of thing where nobody's really surprised, but everybody's surprised. Guess we all thought McCoy'd never stop yelling long enough to give her a good one."

By this point, everybody on the Bridge had stopped working to stare at the engineer. When he stood up straight and took in everybody's stunned faces, his face fell understanding his mistake.

"I shouldn't have said that," he panicked. He began gathering up his tools. "I should definitely not have said that. Just pretend like I didn't say that. Yeah, nobody said nothin' and McCoy was definitely not touching anybody's butt. Oh, look that's all finished. I've got to get going."

The engineer sped walked outta there. The Bridge was silent as everybody glanced nervously at the Captain.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Sulu finally asked.

"No!" Kirk stood up and marched off the Bridge.

* * *

*Thank you for all the reviews and follows! They make my heart happy. Please let me know what you think- I always value the feedback!


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve: And Then We All Grew A Little**

"Hi."

"Hi."

Mattie stood outside Giles' quarters. He was leaning against the doorframe while she stood, rocking back and forth on her heels, waiting for him to say anything. Anything.

Before McCoy had even cleared her from the Sickbay, Giles had mysteriously vanished out of her life. No wisecracking comments, funny stories, or exaggerated winks. He was just suddenly not around and she had left for shore leave feeling like something was off.

It was funny how a friendship could sneak up on you. The same thing had happened with Carol and with her now gone, she was determined to make sure that Giles stayed in her life. So she had a plan: she was going to grab his hand and not let him go.

"Can I come in?" Mattie asked after standing in silence.

His normally cheerful face remained tight and blank, but he nodded for her to enter. The door closed behind her and she took a look around. His bed was made and it was tidier that she would have thought it would be. Holos illuminated images of his friends and family, but other than that it was void of a lot of personal items. He liked to travel light, even if this was his home for a five-year mission.

"Have a seat," he finally said. He motioned towards the end of the bed.

"Giles," Mattie started before biting her lip. "Why are you ignoring me?"

He turned to look at her. "I'm sorry," he said simply.

She frowned at him in response. Owning up to his actions didn't make it any better. It still left her confused and wondering why he had become distant.

"Did I upset you in some way?" she asked.

He nodded and her heart skipped with worry. "But it wasn't your fault." Sighing he took a seat beside her on the bed. "I don't know if you've noticed but M'Benga and I haven't been doing so well since your hospital visit."

Mattie's chest swelled. "I did something wrong."

Giles smiled sadly. "No," he said firmly. "We didn't do our job well."

"Yes you did," she argued. "I'm alive because of the entire medical staff."

"You came in with a fever," Giles said. "We coasted through the day. We sat by your bedside and we laughed and we made jokes. We didn't think to think beyond any of your symptoms."

"Giles, it was some kind of infection," she shook her head.

"You almost died, Mattie," he said bluntly. Her breathing tightened. "But that's not the worst part, that's not why I've been avoiding you."

"Then why?"

Giles searched his room, deep in thought for the right words. "When you were sick, you said things, you told us things."

Mattie was afraid to hear what he was going to say.

"Mattie," he said gently. "You told me you'd been beaten up before."

Sadly, a sigh of relief lifted from her. If that's the worst thing she had told him than a lot of her past was still safe.

"And then," Giles explained. "I felt stupid."

"Stupid, why?"

"Because I realized that for the past year, all I've been doing is talking about myself. I didn't even realize how selfish I was being."

"You weren't being selfish," she admonished. "Nobody rushes to tell somebody the bad parts of their life."

"That's part of the point," he looked into her eyes. "Even delirious, you looked so ashamed that I might hate you for something that happened to you. Women and men fight domestic abuse every day. I never want you to be afraid to tell me something, especially when you've overcome something like that." They fell into a silence. Reaching out to touch her hand he spoke softly to her. "I know we've only known one another a short time, but always know I'm here to talk."

She smiled softly at him. "Stop beating yourself up," she ordered. "It was my shitty mistakes that led me to being trapped with a man that used his fist against a teenage girl. Know that I'm okay now. And know that I can never thank you enough for being by my side when I was sick. You are a good nurse Alejandro Giles."

Giles squeezed her hand.

"Now, tell me what's wrong with M'Benga," she demanded. "Why has he been upset?"

Giles sighed, but then he smiled. "When you were really out of it, M'Benga got it in his head that you were suffering from this illness, Morbi Memoriam."

"Why does that sound familiar?"

"It was in one of your textbooks," he teased her gently. "Anyway, basically it's a myth though. The equivalent of an old wives tale, alien style. At least that's what Spock said."

"I still don't understand," Mattie said. "Why did he think I had it?"

"Translated the disease is known as the Remembrance Disease." Her eyes grew wide. "The disease, acts like an infection, an infection of the brain. The person suffering from it is supposed to remember a suppressed memory. When you were delirious you were talking left and right about your childhood and why you joined Starfleet. The sicker you got, the more out of it you were. M'Benga swore that all the symptoms matched, but like I said…no known cases of the disease has ever been confirmed. Spock's adamant about that. So, of course, M'Benga and McCoy get into it when he shows back up. They're only somewhat on good terms now."

"What do you mean?" she said quickly. "They've been working together haven't they?"

"Yes," he admitted. "But in silence."

"Oh," Mattie frowned. "But neither of them are ever quiet."

"Exactly," Giles concluded.

"I should talk to him," Mattie said. "Is he on shift?"

Giles took a moment to think. "I don't think so," he said slowly. "No, Rodriguez is."

"Do you know where his quarters are?"

Giles smiled. "You're not going to rest until you speak to him?" She shook her head. "Deck 8, 3F 127."

"Thanks." She stood up. "Are we good? No more ignoring or beating yourself up."

"No more," he told her.

"Good," she grinned. She started to walk away when she quickly swung around. "Also I've started to sleep with Dr. McCoy."

"Wait, what?" Giles blinked but she'd already left the room, intent on getting to M'Benga.

* * *

"No," M'Benga tried to shut the door as soon as he saw who it was.

"Hey," she cried out. "What the hell?"

M'Benga hung his head. "You're out of your mind if you think this is going to end well," he said but he at least stepped back to let her in.

Slipping past him, she hid a smile at seeing where M'Benga lived and what his quarters were like. They were clean like Giles's had been, but something about it seemed cheerier. It was like the sun was shining down on his room, which was ridiculous as they were in the middle of space. She wondered what light setting he was using.

Tucking away the mental image of his room she turned around to speak to the man. "You and McCoy are fighting."

He said nothing, moving around her and sitting at his desk. His quarters were a lot nicer than hers and more furnished.

"No, we aren't," he said.

"You are," she insisted.

"If we were I wouldn't have convinced him to go back and snog the living daylights out of you," he said plainly.

Her face fell, the information new to her. She took a seat on his couch. "You did?"

He smirked. "You think he had the courage to do that without a famous M'Benga pep talk?"

"Famous M'Benga pep talk?" she raised a brow.

"Everybody knows about them," he raised a brow back. "I shouldn't have said anything though. I didn't convince McCoy to do anything he didn't already want to. Congratulations on bagging him by the way. He's a real catch you know."

Mattie bit back a smile. "You love him?"

He looked scandalized. "Don't you ever say that again."

"I won't," she promised. "But I know how much you admire him and like being the assistant Chief Medical Officer. It must have hurt a lot when he chewed you because I was sick."

M'Benga sat back in his chair, trying to keep his face blank. "Somebody told you about that?"

"Giles."

"Traitor."

"I'm glad he told me," she said. "I hate that people have gotten hurt because I got sick."

The man sighed. "You didn't get sick on purpose. It was a wake-up call to all of us though that we could be doing better. And whatever McCoy and I have going on it'll be fine."

She looked like she wasn't so sure about that.

"I'm serious," he said. "It's not your place to meddle."

"I don't mean to meddle," she told him. "I just don't want you guys to be arguing over something that I created."

"Don't be so full of yourself," he joked. "McCoy and I like getting into it. Besides, I might have gone off the deep end this time and McCoy had every right to snap me out of it."

"M'Benga," she said after a moment of silence. "You were right."

The doctor looked at her in confusion.

"You were right," she stated again.

Recognition sparked across his face. "You're saying?"

Nodding, she stood up and so did he. She wrapped him in a hug. "But let's keep that between you and me."

He stepped back, his eyes seriously studying her in wonder. She shook her head. "It's okay," she assured in a soft voice. "I guess I didn't come to meddle between you and McCoy. I just wanted to let you know that he didn't have one over you."

There was a grim grin on his face. "You're gonna whip Dr. McCoy into shape aren't you?"

She furrowed her brow at him. "I'll just stick to kissing him. He can figure out the rest on his own."

"Thank you," he said. "I can go back to annoying the crap out of McCoy and not feeling bad about it now that I know that I was right."

* * *

Something had been bothering Leonard for the past few days. It was like this constant pin prickle of worry as he went about his day. He knew exactly when they had started too.

Carefully he moved his head. Mattie slept beside him. He had been true to his word when he said he was bad at cuddling. There was a lot that both of them had been honest about and that was only one week into their arrangement. Not that there was a whole lot to that arrangement.

So far, it had mostly consisted of her coming to his quarters in the evening. They didn't say much, but they made it work long enough till they could get in bed. He never made her leave afterwards, something he wanted her to know he'd never do. So they always just stayed in bed, awkwardly waiting until they fell asleep.

Awkward. There was no other way, but to say it, but things had been awkward.

Maybe it was just him, he thought to himself. Maybe he was just being weird about it because he knew that this was so different than who he was. For fuck sakes, he was on a spaceship, sleeping with a younger woman all the while still not talking to his best friend.

He looked over at her again. She was turned on her side, breathing deeply.

Leonard turned his head again, so he was looking straight up at the ceiling. The wave of anxiety hit him again. He wanted to get up, to leave. Not that he was running away or anything, he just felt like his bed was suffocating. It was early morning though, and he didn't want to leave and then have her wake up to find the bed empty. It wasn't the same thing as being kicked out of bed after being with somebody, but it could possibly be taken the same way.

He'd been so serious about going into this thing.

He wiggled away from her, before getting up carefully so that she'd stay asleep. He dug around for some clothes, quietly putting some pants on. He'd come back. He just needed to walk around a bit.

Quietly he left, the cold air a welcome relief as he walked to his office.

"Jesus Christ," he jumped as he entered the room. "What the hell are you doing here?"

The lights had been off, cloaking Jim in the dark, until they'd flickered on startling the doctor.

Kirk didn't say anything, his eyes narrowing in on the man.

"It's five in the morning, Jim." He pointed to the chronometer on the wall. "How long have you been in here?"

Kirk was sullen, but at least he answered. "I came by to see if you were in here. Then I just figured I'd wait for you."

"It's five in the morning," Leonard repeated. "Were you plannin' on having breakfast in here too?"

"Maybe." Kirk's eyes remained hard as he stared at his friend. "Have a seat."

"You're in my chair."

"Have a seat," Kirk order, his voice firm.

"Jim, what are you doing?" Leonard sighed. He was only in black trousers and didn't even have his blue shirt on. The kid was also being far too broody for this time of day.

Kirk passed along a PADD to the CMO. "I've been meaning to have this conversation with you. I thought, wrongly apparently, that you'd come to talk to me about this in person. Since you haven't I took it upon myself to make sure you'd reviewed Starfleet fraternization policies."

Leonard gritted his jaw, his stomach in knots. He wasn't sure if he wanted to shout at the man or say something sarcastic. Either way, he wasn't amused with Jim's little stunt.

"What the hell is this?" he threw the PADD down on the desk.

"I want to make it clear to you," Kirk continued to be a dick. "That professionalism is a cornerstone of this ship."

"Are you shitting me," Leonard's mouth hung open. "I'm sorry, come again or do I need to involve Spock in this debate?"

The Captain only sniffed at the remark. "Only if you care to have Spock read aloud Starfleet regulations."

"Was it regulation when you slept with that Caitian ambassador?" he grumbled.

The Captain chose to ignore that too.

"Seriously Jim," Leonard questioned. "Why the hell are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" Jim leaned back angrily. "Reminding my CMO that his job is to work in the medical bay instead of shamelessly making out with Scotty's engineers."

Leonard was furious. "Do not say it like that. Do not make it out to be what it's not."

"What is it then Bones," Jim raised his voice, also furious. "Because all I've heard about the matter is that you were touching somebody's ass!"

"Shut up," he yelled.

"No, you shut up," Jim replied childishly. "You're going to ride my ass about Carol and then turn around and do this."

"Oh no," Leonard said dangerously. "Carol and Mattie are two different things. For one, she chose to stay on this damn ship."

"Oh fuck you!" Jim exploded. "Not one fucking date! You never had one fucking date when we were at the Academy. I tried to hook you up with that girl on Starbase 4, a couple years ago, and you weren't having any of it. Now suddenly I hear that you're in a relationship."

"I'm not in a relationship," he defended.

"Oh pardon me," Jim mocked. "You're just fucking somebody now is that it?"

"Yeah, that is it," Leonard confirmed.

His statement made Jim stop, blinking at the man. "What?" he asked like he couldn't believe it despite it being the reason he'd come to speak with Bones in the first place.

Leonard breathed heavily. "Mattie and I are fucking," he said. "You got a problem with it then you can go fuck yourself."

Jim blinked some more at him. "So, what….you guys just…"

Leonard shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know," he said honestly.

Jim's shoulders sagged. "But," he said in a small voice. "You really do care about her right?"

Leonard sighed. Of course he cared about her. It was the whole reason he was constantly afraid that he was going to fuck it up. That's why everything was so awkward, _because he was making it awkward_. If he could just get his damn head to quit being so stupid, he might have been able to enjoy the time he spent with Mattie, instead of doing what he always did: overanalyze and worry that something bad was going to happen.

"Yes," he said. His voice was calm as he spoke but firm. "I care about her."

They fell into a silence.

"Jim."

The Captain looked up.

"I'm sorry," Leonard finally said.

Jim looked down at the desk. He should have been the one to say it first.

"Me too," he admitted. "This whole thing has been stupid, and it's my fault. I could have handled things differently. I should have handled things differently."

"You were always truthful with your feelings," his friend said gently. "It was her turn to make a decision."

Jim, let out a painful breath, grimly smiling. "Yeah, well she did."

"She did," Leonard agreed. "But have you ever thought about how sometimes before you can love another person, you gotta learn to love yourself. You lost Christopher Pike to Khan. She lost her entire world. It's going to take a lot of time, for those wounds to heal."

"I know," he said. "You were right the first time you tried to tell me." He paused, his cheeks growing red. "You know…before you got hit by that hovercraft."

Leonard actually laughed. "I got hit by a hovercraft," he said the words like he was just believing it for the first time.

"I'm sorry," Kirk apologized. "I shouldn't have left you in the hospital."

"You got me there," Leonard forgave him. "Not that I was happy that you'd called my mother."

"Hey, I didn't tell her why you were actually there."

"Yeah, well she figured it out."

"That's not on me," Kirk cleared his name.

Unfortunately, Leonard had to agree. It was on Mattie for letting his mom know the truth.

"We're good?" Jim asked hopefully.

Leonard nodded.

Jim let out a sigh of relief. "You don't how happy this is going to make the Bridge. They kicked me out the other day because apparently I was being too moody. Can you believe that? Spock actually contributed data to their argument!"

"He's always been a green blooded bastard."

"So," Jim said a moment later. "You and this engineer?"

Leonard looked down at his knee. "Yeah."

"That's it?" Jim said with disbelief. "That's all you're going to say?"

He shrugged. "There's not much to say."

"Not much to say," he disagreed. "What about, 'dammit Jim, I'm here to work not make googly eyes at women' or all those lectures that normally begin with 'dammit Jim, for once keep it in your goddamn pants'."

He shrugged again. "I guess things really do change."

"Of course they do. I guess it's just weird. I've always been the one getting laid. I mean, I knew you liked her. That much was obvious, but I figured you'd never make a move. Of course you wouldn't, not if it meant you got a chance at happiness."

"Why does everybody make it out like I want to be unhappy," Leonard grumbled.

"Because you sure as hell don't make things easy on yourself," Jim replied.

"Yeah well," Leonard tried to think of a good response. "I guess, I guess, I just couldn't ignore it anymore."

The younger man snorted. "Obviously not, but what made you snap?"

Leonard tried to sink down in his chair. "My mom made her pecan pancakes."

Jim's mouth hung open. "What?"

Leonard rolled his eyes. "I said, my mom made her pecan pancakes."

"I heard that," Jim admitted. "It's just…your mom doesn't make anybody pecan pancakes. She didn't even make me pecan pancakes until I'd been your roommate for three years!"

Leonard gave him a pointed look.

"Mattie Hanson has Mrs. McCoy's approval," Jim said in a daze. "Wow."

They lapsed back into silence. The clock was ticking, but McCoy was only faintly aware.

"Bones," Jim said suddenly. His voice was serious. "I want you to be happy, you know that."

"That's about the friendliest thing I've ever heard you say," he said gruffly.

"I'm serious," Jim stated. "There's a million things I could say to you right now, a lot of them sounding really cliché. So all I'll really say is, I've always wanted you to have somebody who you could go home to. Somebody who would have your back, who you could go and bitch about me to. I want you to have that in your life, a person who will take care of you as much as you take care of everybody around you. So know that I want this to work out for you, whatever it is."

Leonard honestly hadn't been ready or expecting to hear anything like that from his friend.

"Thanks," he said for a lack of something better. "Jim, I…"

He held up a hand. "Nah, let's not make it awkward. But if you do see Spock, tell him I was a good little captain, and I gave you the riot act for inappropriate conduct and warned you about personal relationships aboard the _Enterprise_."

"I think you kinda did," Leonard admitted.

"Did I?" Kirk tilted his head, wondering if he had. "Huh, imagine that."

Leonard stood up, but he stopped him again.

"I'm sorry," he said again. "For everything that I said."

Leonard looked at him. Those baby blue eyes were actually worried.

"All you said was the truth," he admitted softly.

Kirk's face fell. "Bones."

He shook his head. "It's alright, it's good to hear bad things about yourself every once and a while. For instance, did you know that you're a giant pain in the ass all the time."

"Might have heard a thing or two."

There was a knock on the door.

"Come in," Leonard said and it opened up. It was Giles.

Jim slapped him on the shoulder. "I've got to go, but I'll see you on the Bridge, okay?"

Leonard nodded, glad things were back the way they had been. Or at least close to how they had been.

"Hey," Giles ducked in. the door shut behind him and he nervously pulled at his shirt sleeve. "I need to talk to you, but not as the CMO and not as a nurse."

Leonard preceded cautiously. "And why would you need to do that?"

"Because I need to tell you that if anything happens to Mattie, I don't care about rank or Starfleet." He didn't add anything else to that, he just left it as an open-ended threat.

"O-okay," Leonard replied slowly.

"I'm serious," Giles said and the doctor knew it.

"Okay," Leonard said again, this time really acknowledging the threat.

Giles looked slightly relieved, but there was still concern on his face. "It might not be my place, but you know she's had a lot of people beat up on her throughout her life. Don't add to that, McCoy."

"I won't," he promised, wondering if he could really never hurt her. He didn't have a good track record.

He hurried down the hallway, cursing himself every which way. The 'day' lights had already come on and Alpha shift was about to get underway. He could afford to weave in and out of the Sickbay as he pleased, but Mattie had to stick to her schedule meaning she had probably already left to get ready for her shift.

That would mean that she would have woken up to an empty bed. It would also mean he would look like a jackass for leaving her there by herself, without a note or anything.

He entered his room, immediately spotting the empty bed. It had been made and his stomach knotted up again.

Then his bathroom door opened. Mattie stood in the doorway, a towel wrapped around her, clearly surprised to have been caught.

She cleared her throat, tugging the top of the towel closer to her. "I used your shower," she announced. "Because you have an unlimited supply of water. And your bathroom is much nicer than mine."

Leonard watched her walk around him and pick up her clothes off the floor.

"Don't judge me," she smiled nervously as she tugged on her old clothes. He shook his head, telling her that wasn't why he was looking at her like that.

He stood there like an idiot, only able to watch. She towel dried her hair, then hung the towel up and finger combed her hair into some kinda knot.

"Are you feeling okay?" She came closer to him.

"No," he said, his throat dry. He swallowed. "No, I'm fine. You?"

She nodded that she was okay. "I have shift though and then I promised Giles that I would be around for dinner."

"Jim and I are probably going to grab a drink tonight."

Her eyes met his. "You and the Captain are okay?"

"Yeah," he told her. "Yeah, we're okay."

She smiled lightly, clearly happy that everything was okay. "I'm glad," she said. Then she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him lightly. "I'll see you around, okay."

"Yeah," he agreed.

She was just to his door when she stopped suddenly and came right back over to him.

"Do you think it's weird that we haven't fought in a week?"

The air rushed out of him. "God, yes," he admitted.

"Me too," she nodded. "By the way, I went to go speak to M'Benga yesterday and I know that he gave you a pep talk." She pressed her lips to his cheek, another goodbye, before heading out of the door again.

"Why were you talking to M'Benga?" McCoy shouted after her. "Hang on a second! Leave M'Benga alone."

* * *

*I have another chapter edited and ready to go that should be up in a few hours. In the meantime let me know what you think :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen: This Runnin' Around**

Mattie's fingers hovered over the keyboard. She had continually tried to send Rosie a message, but couldn't find the right words. It was a difficult letter to write. How was she supposed to say, 'Hey, Rosie, I've always remembered how I worked for John Harrison, under Section 31, but I now remember why he once shot me. Do you wanna talk about this in person? I think we should'.

It simply wasn't an easy message to write.

Flinging her head back in defeat she backed away from her computer. She would sit and think about what she wanted to say and come back to it later. She had her entire shift to go through anyway and then all the time in the world before the next shore leave. So no rush was needed. In fact, it was kind of not wanted.

Mattie grabbed a handful of bolts and nuts, stuffing one pocket with the material. She looked up from her task to see John staring at her.

"What," she shrugged her shoulders. Bookworms liked to fall asleep with a book by their side, finding comfort in their 'teddy bear'. Mattie found comfort in the mechanical supplies.

"Have you ever seen a woodchuck?" he randomly asked.

"Nope," she commented. "Have you?"

He frowned in thought. "No," he mused. "I feel like I've missed out on something."

"A brain," Rixson filled him in. "You've missed out on having a brain."

"Rixson," Scotty gestured to her. "What have I told you about teasing ta lad?"

"Don't," she said dully. "Because he's too sensitive to take it."

"Not at all," John replied. "When you tease, you love, Lieutenant Kyla Rixson."

Scotty wasn't shy about hiding his laughter as Rixson blushed angrily, the scrutiny on point.

"Go do your job before I put you on Maintenance."

"Nah," John laughed easily. "They wouldn't have me."

"Alright, lassie?" Scotty asked Mattie as John skipped away.

"Yes, Mr. Scott," she promised.

"Milo could use some help with the engine coils," he informed her. "Why don't you head that way."

"Of course," she bobbed her head in compliance.

"Get off!" she heard Scotty yelling behind her, no doubt at Keenser.

"How are you doing?" Milo asked her when she ended up beside him, working together on the engine coils.

"Alright," she said. She went on auto drive, working easily on any task in front of her.

"Slow down some," an engineer named Levi suggested.

"Huh?" she looked up, blonde tendrils falling in front of her eyes. Milo had left hours ago.

He nodded at the generator that she was working on.

"Sorry," she flushed. "I got excited."

Levi laughed easily, having worked with Mattie long enough to know how she functioned. Some days, most days, she had to be kept busy or she'd tackle every engineering problem onboard the _Enterprise_. Today was no different if not a little bit more spectacular—she needed to focus on anything else than what she needed to discuss with Rose.

In some ways, Mattie wondered if Rosie was the least of her worries. It was one thing to discuss Section 31 matters with Rosie, another person who had been screwed over by Admiral Marcus. It was another matter to ever discuss her past with somebody who hadn't been involved in top secret bad stuff. And by top secret bad stuff, she meant _top secret bad stuff_. She'd never had to be concerned with keeping her secret, as she so desperately wanted to bury the memories and the fear anyway, but was that fair to the person she might end up with? That was a difficult thing to answer. For one, who knew if happily ever after was out there. She was in no way assuming, thinking, hoping or wishing that this thing, whatever thing it was, with Leonard McCoy would turn into that happily ever after. But in the future, if she did meet somebody that she wanted to marry, could she do so without ever disclosing her past? What about kids? Would she endanger them because of the choices she had previously made?

A stress headache formed and Mattie dropped her wrench. Sitting up, she stretched out her limbs. Her mind was being a lot more complicated than normal, and that was saying something considering the anxiety she had lived with for so long.

Blankly staring at her PADD, just a few feet away from her, she congratulated herself for not looking up any illnesses on it lately. Funny, what one could do in their spare time when there was somebody willing to have sex with you.

Mattie's cheeks grew red at the thought.

"Hey," Abigail shouted down the hallway, walking down towards her. "Whoa, are you warm or something?"

Mattie blushed harder, just from being caught blushing. "Yes, I'm fine, thanks. How've you been?"

"Eh," Abigail said, unceremoniously sitting down, crossing her legs as she did so. "Being section head isn't all that it's cracked up to be."

"Poor pitiful you," she teased lightly. Abigail made a funny face in response.

"Scotty must be in a mood too," she sighed. "The bagpipe music hasn't stopped."

"He seemed fine earlier," Mattie said.

Abigail, laid down, uncharacteristically laid back and slobbish. Mattie had seen so many different sides of her as the mission had progressed, from posh Londoner to friendly coworker. A lot had changed since Traylor Whitehall had tried to hurt them on the _Harwell_. The other English woman took a break, briefly closing her eyes, the sounds of Mattie's work acting as a lullaby.

"Are you okay?" she asked after a few minutes.

"Yeah," Mattie replied, unsure why she'd been asked.

"You're a hard worker Hanson," Abigail complimented.

"Thank you," pride tingeing Mattie's response. "I can't help it a lot of the time though. I just work on auto drive, constantly having to keep fixing things."

Abigail watched her finish working on the generator. "Dare I ask you about your new beau?"

"I don't have a new beau," she replied.

Abigail tiredly sat up. "Of course not. It's not like there's any southern gentleman that's been giving you special attention."

Mattie picked up her tool kit, pushing herself off the ground. Slowly, Abigail followed. "I don't know what you mean, by special attention," she said while avoiding any direct eye contact. "But as my shift is over, I believe I'll leave now."

"Lucky you," Abigail called after her. "Not only do you actually get a break when you leave work," she added to herself, "But you're also getting laid."

* * *

Her fingers hovered over the keyboard once again, and just as they had every time she'd tried to write this damn message, they froze as if they had forgotten how to type. The screen light illuminated her face as she blankly stared into the monitor, looking but not seeing a single thing. She was entirely frozen and she might have stayed that way had the door chime not gone off.

"Come in," she yelled over her shoulder, closing out of the message screen. While not admitting it, she was quite happy to once more have an excuse for not working on the message to Rosie.

McCoy entered and his blue shirt looked very nice across his broad shoulders. She hoped that she wasn't blushing as she had been earlier on shift. She'd had a baby, she was well aware of male anatomy and yes, she had seen the CMO naked. It wasn't the thoughts that were making her blush, it was that she was having the thoughts. At all hours, random hours, or even when she was asleep, it was like an image of Leonard McCoy was burned into her brain. She told herself it was natural to think about the guy that she was in an intimate relationship with, but still, she was worried that she had somehow become her teenage self again, ogling a cute boy and forgetting about everything else.

"Hey," McCoy greeted. He groaned as he sat down at the end of her bed, untying his boot.

"Hi," she said from her desk chair. One leg was tucked into her chest, her chin balancing on her knee as she spoke softly. "I know for a fact that no one was sent from Engineering to Sickbay today."

Leonard smirked. "Doesn't mean I didn't have to yell at a redshirt today."

"Yes," she agreed. "But not a redshirt from Engineering."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Mhm," she hummed, her chair swiveling back and forth just a smidge.

"Well tell that to Lucas Greenhill who waited until the last moment to come in and have his appendix removed."

Mattie's mouth opened in surprise as McCoy laid back down on her bed. He groaned as he got comfortable and she joined him on the bed, concerned for the engineer.

"Lucas had appendicitis?"

Leonard raked a hand through his hair, nodding, all the while staring up at the white ceiling. "Even M'Benga yelled at him."

"Nuh-huh," Mattie challenged. "M'Benga would never yell at one of us."

"M'Benga had a good teacher."

"I don't think you should be bragging about how well you yell at your patients."

"But it's one of my best skills."

"Once again you should not be bragging," she admonished.

Satisfied that Lucas would be okay, she turned away to also look up at the ceiling. It was decidedly not as nice of a view as what was outside the window—stars and space, but she supposed that when one was terrified of space it really limited your viewing options. She promptly turned onto her side, facing Leonard, one hand tucked under her cheek like a pillow. They were silent, but a good kind of silent. The comfortable kind.

"Jim wants me on an away mission the next few days so I probably won't see you that much."

"On a scale of one to ten how pissed off are you that he's making you go?"

"I have more important things to do as the Chief Medical Officer," was his pointed response.

She reached out a hand, resting it on his chest. He lightly encased it with his own, smoothing a thumb over her skin. The soft feeling made her close her eyes, something stupidly warm brewing in her belly. She flicked her eyes open the next second and wiggled around until she straddled him.

* * *

The truth of the matter was that Mattie had to admit that Leonard McCoy didn't know what cuddling was. For the most part that was okay. He wanted to sleep with her in the same bed after _sleeping_ with her and by her standards that amounted to being chivalrous.

It just so happened that that night, he might have regretted sleeping in the same bed with her as she tossed and turned. It wasn't so bad at first. She'd dozed for a while, but then her mind had begun to whirl, spinning with thoughts about Rosie, the gadgets that she'd once built, and debating about whether or not she was truly angry at Rosie.

Leonard always slept on his back. He was like a soldier most nights, occasionally one arm stretched behind his head. Mattie rolled from one side to the other, the ability to shut down her mind gone, as she tried to get comfortable. She flopped to her stomach, her arms grabbing at the pillow. She squeezed her eyes shut and promised herself that she would hold the position until she forced herself back asleep. She pretended to count sheep, focusing on the numbers to lull herself to sleep. She dimly wondered if Carol was getting enough sleep. Mattie suddenly sighed and rolled to her side again.

"Would you knock it off," Leonard pleaded, his voice gravelly and sleep filled.

Mattie barely had time to feel guilty, when Leonard's arm snaked around her waist and threw her over his body to the other side of the bed, clearly tired with all of her moving around. Her head ended up on his chest, his heartbeat loud in the quiet room. She molded into his side, one leg tangled with his. Still half-asleep he took one of her wrists and lifted it up, gently pressing it to his lips before bringing it back down to his chest where he continued to hold it as he slept.

She smiled softly at his dramatics and loving how warm his body was against hers. Knowing that he was exhausted himself she didn't lift up her head, instead keeping her ear crushed to his chest. She counted his heartbeats, finding comfort in the noise and intimacy.

Turned out Leonard did have his own way of cuddling.

* * *

"Have you taken a break once?" John asked her three days later.

She breathed out heavily, trying to get a strand of hair stuck on her face to blow away. "Breaks are for weak people."

"Gee," John deadpanned. "You must make Rixson so proud, what with acting like a robot."

"Rixson's not a robot," Mattie defended.

"Close enough," John reasoned.

Mattie was saved from having to answer when her communicator beeped. "Hanson," she answered.

"The communication station on the Bridge is encountering problems," Rixson said through the device. "Will you give it a shot?"

"Of course," Mattie responded.

"Good, Rixson out."

"Have fun taking in the scenery," John tipped his head before walking off.

With his words, Mattie realized that it was the first time she'd ever been on the Bridge. It was almost more of a myth to her than an actual part of the ship, that's how little opportunity she ever had to be up there. Taking a toolkit she hurried to see to the problem.

The Bridge was void of the Captain, First Officer or CMO. She briefly wondered if on other spaceships the CMO was on the Bridge as much as Leonard was. It was his friendship with Kirk that shaped his duties onboard, and that wasn't to say that he didn't perform admirably as the highest positioned doctor on the ship.

She smiled politely at Uhura after she was permitted in.

"I don't know what's wrong with it," the communications officer admitted. "We already had somebody come up and look at it, but recently it's been acting up again."

"No worries," Mattie told her. Uhura stood up and backed away from the station. Mattie bent down. "Rupert worked on it yes?"

Uhura nodded.

"Oh," Mattie said to herself as she bent her head an odd way to look at the wiring. "Okay, two minutes I promise."

"Two minutes?" Uhura smiled in disbelief. "Is it really that easy?"

"Of course," Mattie promised. "Just got to work out the kinks," Mattie informed her as she caught sight of something else. "Your chair is broken."

"What?"

"Your chair," Mattie said again.

"Oh," Uhura shook her head. "Yeah, it's fine. Maintenance is going to bring another one up. Gia on last shift already called them."

"I can fix it."

"What?" Uhura repeated with the same confusion that she had earlier.

Finished with the communications station, Mattie brought her hands to the chair. It had lost the ability to swivel.

"Thanks," Uhura said, her brow furrowed as she sat down on the chair after five minutes. The wrinkles on her face cleared as she slowly turned all the way around in her chair, impressed with Mattie's ability.

"Easy peasy," Mattie told her. She turned her head and quizzically stared at the science desk.

Uhura caught her look. "Oh, no, Mr. Spock won't be pleased with you working on his desk."

"This isn't working right," Mattie said while Uhura stared at her in wonder, questioning how Mattie could have known such a thing.

"It isn't," the Lieutenant at the station admitted. He scooted back from the desk. "Have at it, if you can fix it."

Uhura opened her mouth to protest, but Mattie nodded at the challenge. "I can fix it," she once again promised.

Forty-five minutes later she was on all fours working when the Bridge doors whooshed open and the Captain walked in. There was a bruise on his forehead and his hair was matted down with sweat. He looked down at her, a comical expression on his face. One corner of his mouth quirked up, amused at the sight. He walked around her and took a seat at his chair. He was no longer blocking the other person that had followed him on the Bridge. Leonard shot her a look, silently asking her what the hell she was doing crawling around on the floor.

Mattie quickly stood up, having finished up her mind consuming task, and quickly walked off the Bridge. He followed.

"What the hell was that?" he furiously whispered as they walked through the halls.

"I was just helping," she answered.

"There's helping and then there's dusting the Bridge in your spare time."

"I wasn't dusting," Mattie clamored, offended by his unintentional insult.

"You were crawling around," Leonard said, even though obviously she knew what she had been doing. "What is going on with you? I haven't been gone that long."

"Nothing," she replied, hoisting her toolkit to her other hand. "I just like fixing things."

She rushed into the turbolift. He didn't follow, needing to go back to the Captain and make sure he actually went to Sickbay to receive an exam after the events of the away mission. As the doors shut though, he noticed how blank Mattie's face was and how pale she appeared as she wearily called out for Engineering.

But he had to push her sad face out of his mind, instead forcing himself to focus his attention on his duties. He all but wrangled Jim to Sickbay, holding him down with one hand while his other used a tricorder to scan his body. When he was satisfied that Jim just needed some rest, which he could use as well, Leonard let him go. Being gone a couple of days was not his idea of fun and he was left to come back to a Sickbay where there was a stack of paperwork and M'Benga having memorized new show tunes with the intent of annoying the hell out of the CMO. Leonard would have kept working well into the night if he hadn't paused suddenly, wondering if Mattie was finally out of whatever weird mood she had been in earlier.

His muscles appreciated the different position when he stood, after hours hunched over at his desk. Rubbing his face he saw Giles at the nurses' station.

"Have you seen Mattie lately?" he asked, questioning if he should try to find her in her quarters or another part of the ship.

"You haven't heard?" Giles looked over the top of a PADD. "She's been on a warpath down in Engineering."

Leonard looked up at the ceiling, trying his best to take a calming breath. He didn't know what was going on in that mind of hers, but it wasn't something good. Even if he wasn't involved with her, he had worked with her long enough on the _Enterprise_ to know that she used work as a way to avoid dealing directly with her anxiety.

"'Kay, thanks," Leonard nodded to Giles, already turning to leave. He quickly made his way down to Engineering, scanning the main deck and not spotting her. It was no matter as he knew her favorite spot, the same small control room where they'd shared their first kiss aboard the _Enterprise_. He had expected her to have a wrench in hand, probably on the ground tinkering around. Instead, she was at the main control desk, a PADD in front of her with one hand cradling her head as she read some type of manual. Light blonde wisps created a curtain around her face.

"Hey," he said softly, so as not to scare her.

"Hi," she said, slightly surprised that he had come down. She knew how much he valued professionalism, so he tried to limit their interactions around Engineering as he had quickly learned how damn chatty and gossipy Scotty's workers were. She brushed her hair back and looked at the time. "I thought you'd be catching up on work."

He brushed off her comment. "Your shift ended hours ago." He walked to where she was sitting, bringing a hand to her shoulder. "Did you sleep any while I was away?"

"Yes, thank you very much," Mattie retorted. "In fact, I got more sleep while you were away."

Leonard ignored the implication. As a matter of fact, he had a knack for being very good at ignoring things. "Come on," he insisted. "Let's go."

"Where are we going?" she frowned.

"Somewhere not so tempting," he replied, sweeping her PADD up despite her obvious dislike that he'd do such a thing, and used it as bait so she'd follow him. He was hoping that with her wrench and various tools out of sight, any temptation to keep working would be out of mind.

It was his first time in his quarters after the past few days and it felt weird. It was exactly how he had left it, but everything felt still and frozen—clearly unlived in.

"Can I have that back now?" Mattie whined. He threw the device to her and she caught it. He was glad though when he saw her set it down beside her on the couch, going untouched and unused.

The first thing Leonard did was go into the bathroom and brush his teeth. He didn't know why he hadn't thought to do it earlier, away missions were always hit or miss (mostly miss) when it came to personal hygiene. He picked up a looser fitting sleep shirt that was sitting on the counter and switched it with his uniform shirt. Going back out into the living space, he opened the door to his closet and threw a large t-shirt to Mattie before also grabbing a pair of sweatpants for himself.

"Thanks," Mattie said quietly, wiggling around as she changed into the pajamas.

"Do you want some sweats?" he offered. She shook her head and he shut the closet door, finally able to stretch out on his bed. It was damn nice to feel a soft mattress after the past few days. He really was getting old. He felt the end of the bed dip down, Mattie sitting on the edge. "Are you okay?"

She hummed as she nodded yes. He sat back up.

"No, really are you okay?" he tried to catch her eyes, but she was relentless in avoiding his gaze. "Did something happen while I was gone?"

"No," she said.

"Well, then what's been goin' on?" he asked. "Does this have something to do with the rolling around in bed all night before I left? Don't tell me you were worried on my account. You might flatter me."

She sighed and he knew she had to be just as tired as he was. When she finally looked at him, there was a small smile on her face, and he was going to choose to believe that she'd liked his joke. "You know when you're tired you end up sounding even more southern."

He laid back down. "I can't change who I am," he stated. She laid down beside him, her body rolling into his side.

"I wouldn't have you any other way," she whispered. She hoped he couldn't feel how fast her heart beat as she embarrassed herself, though the worry was for no reason. He smiled stupidly at the statement, allowing himself to enjoy the compliment.

"If that were the case," he didn't let up. "You would tell me what the hell is going on in that mind of yours."

"Nothing," she said softly.

He lifted his head up slightly, just so she could see his one raised eyebrow.

"Sometimes I just can't get my mind to shut off. I can't stop thinking," she confessed. He turned to his side, propping his head up with his hand, so he could look at her as she spoke.

"Does working make you feel better?"

"Yes," she easily admitted. "But you can't say anything about that since you do the same thing. I'm surprised you even leave the Sickbay."

"You've got me there, but that's no excuse for not looking after yourself. You've been losing sleep over something." He hesitated, "It's not us…is it?"

"No," her brow furrowed. "No," she said again. "I do think about you a lot, though."

He examined her face after her admission. She blushed so easily. He gently brushed a piece of hair behind her ear. "Yeah?" he dared her to go on.

She reached out to grab the hand that had been moving. "Yeah," she whispered. "I especially like picturing you shirtless."

He smirked, and it could be said that even James T. Kirk's smirk had nothing on his. "Are you trying to stroke my ego?"

"I shouldn't," she corrected herself. "Considering you're already so full of yourself."

"Mhhm," he hummed happily as he rolled closer to her to give a kiss. Her hand on his chest felt good as he did so. He liked her touch.

She pushed him back lightly. "I have to do something quickly." She got up from the bed and grabbed the PADD on the couch. She sat down and typed out a message to Rosie. It wasn't much, all it said was that she wanted to see her the next time she was back on Earth and that hopefully shore leave would be coming up soon. Once the message was sent, a weight lifted off her shoulders. It was so stupidly simple and it would probably be months until she'd even get a chance to see Rosie, but it was a start.

She left the PADD on the couch and came back to the bed. Leonard had rearranged himself so that he was underneath the covers and she joined him. She scooted closer to him, molding her body into his side.

"I'm glad you came back safe," she told him. His eyes were already closed and she commanded the lights to turn off.

"If you don't sleep tonight," Leonard threatened a moment later, surprising her as she thought he had already fallen asleep. "I'll change your medical status so that you aren't approved to work."

"You can't do that," she argued, her cheek against his chest.

"I'm the Chief Medical Officer," he replied.

"Doesn't mean you get to threaten me," she admonished.

"Uh huh," he childishly replied back. He didn't have to be a doctor to know that she was fighting exhaustion. She should not be on duty if she wasn't physically or mentally fit.

They laid in bed, in the pitch black room. "I'm not gonna have sex with you ever again if you do that."

"Yes, you will."

"No," she refused.

"I can be very persuasive." He lowered his hand down her back, fully aware that she wasn't wearing any pajama bottoms.

She wiggled out of his reach, turning to her side, missing the feel of his chest already. "Nobody likes tattle tales, McCoy."

He pulled her back to the way she had been. "I won't have to tattle if you would just shut up and sleep."

"You started it," she reminded him. His arm tightened around her waist and she didn't see his smug smile because her eyes were closed already, being lulled to sleep by the sound of his heartbeat.

* * *

*I sort of hate myself for how short this and the last chapter were (I know personally I just love a story that has nice long updates), so to make up for it I went ahead and posted both on the same day. But don't forget to leave a review for both of them ;) Oh, and in other news the fluffiness in this chapter makes my heart hurt. I hope you liked it and I can't thank you enough for all the reviews and follows!


	14. Chapter 14

The Return of Mama McCoy ;)

* * *

 **Chapter Fourteen: The Conversations We Don't Want To Have**

There was four feet of snow on the ground in Toronto and Mattie was absolutely positive that she had never been so cold before in her life. Her feet tried to shuffle through the icy slush as she saw the metal outline of the diner she was supposed to meet Rosie in. It was only four yards away, but with her pink nose, her frozen toes, and her teeth chattering the building could have been in Alaska, that's how far it felt like she had to keep walking.

A chime above the door twinkled when she walked in making a waitress in a pale pink dress and blue apron nod her head in greeting.

"Take a seat anywhere, love," she instructed.

Mattie thought she may have nodded back in greeting, but as she couldn't feel anything she really wasn't sure. She turned her head left and right, spotting the most beautiful head of hair, deep auburn, before she walked towards the booth.

As soon as Rosie also spotted her, she stood up from the table, enveloping her in a hug. She squeezed tightly. "Are you cold enough?" she teased when she took a step back.

Mattie gave her a look, pulling off her mittens but not yet ready to shed her jacket as they sat back down in the booth.

"How did you deal with this as a child?" she asked.

Rosie shrugged. "By being cold," she replied with brutal honesty. "I mean it was either here or Wales and both places are cold."

Rosie's mum was Canadian but her father was from Wales. She mainly grew up in Canada, occasionally spending long amounts of time to visit with family in the UK. Mattie was pretty sure, after just briefly experiencing the Canadian weather conditions, San Francisco had to have been a god send when she attended Starfleet Academy.

"Could I have coffee," Mattie politely asked the waitress when she swung by. Rosie already had a cup in front of her and the blonde was jealous of the heat it emitted.

Rosie reached out to point at something on the menu. "You have to get this," she ordered. "It's the best, I promise."

Mattie looked up at the waitress who winked, before handing in the order to the cook in the back.

"So tell me everything," Rosie said. Her warm brown eyes sincere as she looked at her friend.

Mattie had thought she'd done well, keeping the pit at the bottom of her stomach from becoming a full on black hole, ready to consume her in fitful waves of anxiety. It had been six months since she'd sent the message to Rosie, asking to meet up when they were both on Earth. Rose Cavalier spent most of her time on New Vulcan, where she had found a place to cope after the affair with John Harrison and Admiral Marcus. With both her parents dead, she didn't have much reason to come back to Earth. She'd left Starfleet, Suzy was hardly on the planet as she traveled constantly and Oscar was good natured about Rosie never coming around as often as he would like. And then there was Eddie, the Vulcan who had helped them slip from the grasps of Section 31. Eddie and Rose, not in so many words, but in some way were attached. So her obligations were on New Vulcan, where she had learned to compartmentalize her grief and formed a relationship with Eddie's son, Zorek.

A cup of coffee was placed in front of Mattie. "Thank you," she said quietly to the waitress before turning back to her friend. "It's been good."

"Is that all you have to say?" Rosie teased. It was clear to see how time had healed her. Rose Cavalier was to Mattie and Suzy what James T. Kirk was to the _Enterprise_. The leader, the hero, the one that had found a solution in a no win situation. At one point she'd been dying, suffering from an illness as a result of all the different type of chemicals and radiation that was emitted from all the new and different tech material the special team of engineers were working with. She was here though, today, healthy due to a miracle. A miracle that Rosie and Mattie hadn't ever really talked about. At least not until today.

Mattie set her cup down, her blue eyes flicking to Roses. The intensity they conveyed made Rose sit back slightly, a sudden realization that there was a heavy topic coming their way.

"I remember," Mattie declared.

Rosie stayed as she was. Still, her brown eyes were wide as she took in Mattie. Two plates of food were set in front of them, neither moving to acknowledge the waitress before she bustled off.

Finally, her mouth opened, no words able to come out as she glanced out the window, her mind obviously whirling. When she cut back to Mattie the shock had been smoothed from her face and the Rose that Mattie knew well, the director of a top secret engineering program was back in place.

"Mattie," she said, her voice deep and firm and Mattie wondered how many times Rosie had practiced this conversation, knowing that eventually it would come to pass. Or maybe Rosie just always hoped that Mattie would never remember the words that John Harrison had spoken to Mattie before he shot her twice in the abdomen.

"There's no point in giving excuses," Mattie cut her off in a hushed tone. She stared down at her food, steam rising.

"Then what do you want?" Rosie asked. The question wasn't conveyed maliciously, she meant it honestly, wondering what Mattie had approached her for.

Mattie continued to stare at her plate. "Were you ever going to tell me?" she finally asked. She still felt cold, her skin almost numb with anxiety, but emotion boiling on the inside. "I woke up at a hospital on New Vulcan, and you never even said anything. Thinking back now though, you kept me at that hospital a lot longer than was right."

Rosie briefly glanced down, silently steeling herself up. "I know," she admitted wrongdoing. She had intentionally kept Mattie in the hospital a lot longer than was actually necessary. "You woke up," she explained slowly. "After Greta had saved you," her tone was just as hushed as Mattie's. Nobody had seen Greta since three days before Khan's attack on San Francisco. "And you didn't remember why, all of it," Rosie continued. "You didn't remember all of the events before Khan killed you and there was this brief second where Suzy and I looked at one another and we just couldn't…."

"It wasn't your decision to make," Mattie's voice broke. "I had every right to know what had happened to me."

"I know," Rosie cried out, her voice just as hard and angry as Mattie's. "I know that, and I'm sorry, but we did what we thought was best."

"By lying to me." Mattie leaned over the table.

"We didn't lie," Rosie insisted, despite knowing it was a weak defense.

Mattie wanted to spit out so many words, so many responses to Rosie's claim. She didn't though. She sat back in the booth, her brow furrowed as she stared at Rosie. Her eyes conveyed all the distrust that she suddenly felt, the betrayal of her life being controlled yet again by somebody else. A lot of the time, Mattie felt like her whole life had been used for somebody else's purpose. Being forced into working for Section 31 was just another one of those times and Rosie hiding the truth from her could now be added to the list.

"I thought I had done something good for the world," Mattie admitted, the admission seeming so stupid now. "Standing up to Khan. Telling him no, not letting him get his hands on the one weapon that he was so desperate to use against Admiral Marcus and Earth."

"You did do that," Rosie leaned forward, absolutely adamant in her answer. "You did stand up to Khan. Mattie, that's exactly what you did, you stopped him and nobody can ever say anything differently."

She shook her head. "But that wasn't all of it." Her throat swelled, tears threatening. "I thought I was stopping Khan from using the weapon. But Rosie, I was the weapon. I was the weapon that he wanted to use against Earth."

Rosie's eyes shined like Mattie's, tears wanting to spill over. "You told him no, Mattie," she stated firmly. "You stood up to the most evil person I've ever known and you said no. He shot you because you refused to go with him when he began his plan of attack."

Khan tried to kill Mattie Hanson when she refused to be used as a weapon.

Mattie's eyes briefly flickered closed, breathing deeply as she sucked back emotion.

"The only reason you and me and Suzy are alive is because Greta saved us," Rosie kept going. "And who created Greta? You did, Mattie."

The image of Greta, a completely new and original spacecraft with an unrivaled artificial intelligence popped into her head. Mattie hadn't created just a ship with a warp core, but a ship with a soul. One that had taken pity on Mattie as she laid on the floor, her heart having stopped beating minutes beforehand and given her enough energy to begin life again. The same energy was used to cure Rosie's suffering. Greta transported the engineers to safety, where days later on New Vulcan they watched the U.S.S. _Enterprise_ and her crew dismantle Khan.

"You are not a weapon," Rosie whispered. "You are not evil."

A few hot tears spilled over and Mattie tried to ignore the fact that while they were quiet, tears would still be noticeable in the diner. "But that's what Khan wanted. He wanted my mind because he thought I was the closest thing to an intelligent and imaginative human being. He wanted to use my mind for bad things."

"He didn't," Rose told her. "He didn't, because you stood up to nothing but a bully."

Mattie looked at the ceiling, trying to stop the water coming from her eyes. "And the _Enterprise_?" she asked suddenly.

"What about it?"

"You made that decision for me too," she said angrily.

Rosie's face creased, not sure what to say. "I didn't," she began to say.

"Yes, you did." Mattie was taken away by the strength of her voice, outrage suddenly coursing through. "You told me to work on the _Enterprise_. You didn't even give me another option. Suzy got to decide what to do with her life, and so did you. I didn't. You just handed me a position onboard and then left me there on my own."

"Carol was there."

"Carol wasn't an evil weapon," Mattie fought to keep her voice down.

"And neither were you," Rosie bit back. "You cannot think of yourself like that, especially when you nearly died fighting against him."

"It wasn't fair," Mattie said, so aware that nothing in her life had ever been fair. "You get to have your happy ending."

"Excuse me?" Rosie bristled.

"You have Eddie," Mattie said. "You have somebody who knows and loves you for who are, mistakes and all. Even Carol can share a connection with Captain Kirk without lying to him."

"But it's not like Suzy-."

"Suzy is widowed," Mattie snapped.

"I don't understand what you're saying," Rosie snapped back.

"She'll never have to tell somebody who she wants to spend her life with that she was involved in a special engineering team that worked with Khan."

"Is that it then." Rosie suddenly understood. Her eyes were wide and unblinking as she looked at Mattie. "Are you saying you've found somebody you love."

"No, that's not what I'm saying," she said quickly. For once though, she was too angry to blush. "But you have to admit that a person could never truly be with somebody, somebody they love while hiding something like this."

Rosie was silent. The diner lights suddenly seemed too bright, too artificial, as the restaurant buzzed around them. "You've met someone," she eventually stated. At that moment she seemed unusually calm. "That's why you're here. You've met somebody and that's why you're mad."

"I'm mad," she corrected. "Because you lied to me and then cut me off from my family."

Rosie's head jerked back. "We didn't cut you off."

"What part of deep space," Mattie angrily spit out. "Wasn't forcing me away from my family."

"We love you, Mattie," she spoke for everybody. For Suzy, Oscar, Eddie. For all of them.

"Love isn't taking away somebody's choices," Mattie whispered. "And it's certainly not lying to them about why they'd been nearly killed."

She stood up from the booth and walked out of the diner. She wouldn't realize until later that she'd left her mittens because she was so angry, so numb, so sad, and so sorry for herself as she walked away from Rosie. The snow was falling heavier than it was before, snowflakes sticking to her hair and chapping her skin. If more tears fell from her eyes, she didn't notice as she trudged through the snow. She'd never been to Toronto before so she had no idea where to go or even where the nearest Transporter was. Along the main road, she turned one way hoping it led her to the hub of the city. Fortunately, the pedestrian traffic seemed to grow thicker as she walked, taller buildings marking the skyline.

She walked along the streets, the pavement busy with school children bundled up and mothers desperately trying to run errands. Men talked on communicators and the buildings were brightly lit up as darkness descended the skyline. Everybody was doing something, something that kept them going. Mattie went into a bar, having passed several already and strongly reminded of all the pubs in her hometown. She didn't feel like she had the will to wait in line for a Transporter and then find a pub open at such a late hour in England. So she took it upon herself to order a drink at some Canadian bar, a whiskey, that was strong. It burned as it slipped down her throat, and she dimly wondered if Scotty would be proud of her.

"Can I get another?" a man asked the bartender. He sat along the dark wooden bar top, leaning forward, greasy strands of hair falling into his eyes.

"George," the bartender warned.

A string of expletives dropped from the man. His fists clenched, his whole body shaking. Mattie felt so guilty for thinking it, but she couldn't help feeling a tiny bit better knowing there was somebody else out there fairing worse than she was. The angry man, his cheeks red and his teeth yellow demanded another drink.

"You doing alright love?" another bartender asked. The term of endearment sharply reminded her yet again of her birth nation.

"Could I get another one please," she sniffled. Her nose was red and this time she couldn't be certain that it was from the wind. She was poured another glass of whiskey, an amber color twinkling from where the few dim light fixtures shined down on it. She sighed heavily as the liquor warmed her through.

"I said give me a goddamn drink!" the man yelled at her and Mattie didn't even have time to react before her body acted on its own accord, falling to the ground as something crashed around her. The hub of noise that emitted from the bar, became starkly quiet as everybody was caught by surprise at the man's actions.

"Goddammit," somebody, possibly the bar owner, yelled back at the drunk. "You're already at the only fucking place left that will serve you, and this is how you're gonna treat us!"

"I said," the man's voice slurring so heavily.

"Now hey now," another patron stepped in to try to ease the situation. Mattie rolled her shoulder as she stood back up, the limb tender from landing awkwardly.

"Don't!" the man slapped the other man. Aggrieved by the action, the originally well-meaning patron shoved the man back. The drunk went flying back, empty glasses on the bar smashing in the process. Despite the drunkard sprawled on his back, clearly disoriented, the other man began to wail on him. Shouts and cries erupted all over the place, and Mattie was very much of the opinion that only the bar owner believed he could treat the drunkard that way.

At some point, Mattie, yet again, ended up on the floor just as another presence entered the bar brawl. A loud sharp whistle brought everybody back to reality.

"Everybody get the fuck up," the deep voice demanded. "And if you're not wanting to get arrested I suggest you leave this fucking bar in the next twenty seconds. And if you're the owner of this establishment I suggest you get me a fucking drink in the next twenty seconds if you don't want a citation."

There was a scramble for everybody to correct themselves, but Mattie didn't move from the floor, her body finding it quite nice to lay down now that the liquor had made her tired and slow. She heard boots walking towards her and a face leaned over her.

It was a good thing Mattie was on the floor as the breath was knocked right out of her as she stared at her.

"You," the word faintly slipped from her lips.

"Jesus Christ," the man replied, stepping over her to get to the bar.

Mattie was aware that she got off the floor, but it felt strange.

"Here you go," the bartender passed along another whiskey to her across the bar, a replacement for her earlier one that had become a casualty. "Sorry, about the mess."

"No worries," she dimly replied. Her hand wrapped around the glass. "Thank you," she said as he tipped his head at her before rushing off to deal with the rest of the bar.

She swallowed half the glass in one gulp and sat down on a barstool, that had recently been stood back up after the fight. The man beside her did the same, all the while they drank in stony silence. They finished their drinks at the same time, the empty glasses put back on the bar.

"You owe me a drink," Mattie said softly, the whiskey letting her be brave as she spoke to the man for the first time since she was sixteen. She turned her head to look at him. "And an apology."

The man acted like he couldn't hear her, but he did nod at the barman and jerked a thumb at her too, silently telling him to put her drink on his tab.

"What are you doing here?" His voice was different from what she had remembered. But then that memory, the one cruel, painful memory that he was in, should be distorted. It was such a moment of horror that of course it couldn't completely be remembered to its true quality.

"I could ask you the same thing." Her voice was quiet, hushed. She didn't feel like speaking in a loud, deep voice, too tired from the day's events. "What is a Federation Security agent doing here in Toronto?"

"What is a Starfleet Engineer doing here in Toronto?" he replied.

Her face dropped at his words, realizing quite quickly what they implied. "You know what I do?" she questioned while looking down at the bar. "How unusual…. Is there a reason you've kept track of me all these years?"

He was slow to answer. He nursed his drink, appreciating every bit of alcohol that hit him. His shoulders were tensed, and overall he looked uncomfortable. It had been just as bad a day for Daniel Rowan as it had been for Mattie Hanson.

"How do you know I work for Starfleet?" she questioned again, this time intent on understanding why he would know that about her. Especially as they hadn't seen one another since she was sixteen.

"Because I work for Starfleet as well," he finally said.

"Doing what?" she immediately wanted to know.

"Well, presently I've been chasing a man through three quadrants only to find him dead, but not before _not_ getting the information I needed to know."

"You're security?"

"Think a little higher than that," he darkly replied back.

Mattie blinked, the alcohol that had warmed her before was gone. Instead, she felt like this all had to be one joke of a dream and not her life. There could only be so many sick things to happen in one day.

"You're in Starfleet Intelligence," she mumbled. She looked away, wanting to clench her jaw or stomp something. "Wow," she said in a daze, anger bubbling over. She swiveled towards him. "So is that how it works?"

He glanced at her, unimpressed.

"You accuse a sixteen-year old girl of killing her baby and then you get to be a big shot for Starfleet." It was the first time she was ever aware of actual malice in her voice.

He swallowed a hard drink on liquor, staring straight ahead as if to tune out her anger.

"If you think working for Starfleet Intelligence makes me a big shot you are severely mistaken."

"You owe me an apology," Mattie demanded.

His gaze cut to her. "I am sorry." Mattie leaned back, not expecting for him to actually appear so sorry. Regret shined in his eyes, pain, and sadness swimming in his dark blue irises. "I'm sorry," he repeated again. "You think Bishop and I both didn't feel like shit?" he asked her. "We get a call from a hysterical Admiral, her adopted baby just dying in the middle of the night, demanding we go and track down the birth mother as she's so sure, in her insane amount of grief, that it had to have been the teenage girl who caused the death."

She flinched.

"You think we didn't know it was a complete and utter abuse of her power?" he continued. "You think we didn't look at one another and think to ourselves well this is going to get nasty. We didn't want to knock on your door to see some skinny teenager with no adult in sight answer the door and break down at the news that her infant, the one she'd given up just in the hopes that it'd have a better life than she did, had died. The baby died from something that was out of all of our reaches. So don't think you're the only one haunted, Mattie Hanson, cause I've spent time thinking about how awful that moment was too."

Mattie stared at her drink, just doing anything other than showing just how unnerved she was by Daniel's long admission.

"Have you really felt that way?" she asked.

"Yes," he grunted. "And I know my partner, Bishop, felt just the same way. He had kids. He knew it was just bad luck and grief that made for the worst of situations."

"That doesn't explain why you've been keeping tabs on me."

"I did admit that I was Starfleet Intelligence, you might have come up a few times." His voice was different when he spoke. Dark humor laced within his words.

Mattie flushed slightly, as she glanced at him. "Then that means….you know?"

He shrugged. "Not all the details, just enough to clean up the mess Marcus left behind."

Mattie slumped forward. Apparently, everybody knew more than she did at some point.

"And it really is just a coincidence that you walked into this bar?" she eyed him suspiciously.

He shook his head, denying any wrongdoing. "Trust me," he said. His voice was gruff like he had seen too much of the world, but still well groomed, obviously coming from an upper class. "Had I known you were even in this city, I'd have fucked off my own work just to avoid you."

She was wary about his claim, yet as he was in Starfleet Intelligence he would have had a number of opportunities to approach her before now.

"How long have you been in Intelligence?"

He took a drink before replying. "Somebody approached me about a year or two after that night. If I'd known then what I know now, I would have probably reconsidered."

"That," Mattie nodded slowly. "Sounds pretty accurate."

It seemed funny that they were now sitting in a bar in Canada, actually able to agree on something. It didn't necessarily take away all the pain from being accused of hurting her own child, just an infant, but at the same time she had closed that door years before. Licity would always be loved by her, but she could not be drowned by the sorrow anymore. She wondered if that sounded pretentious to others who were grieving. It probably did.

She ordered another drink as did he.

"What happens now?" she asked after minutes of silent drinking.

His glass was to his lips when he paused. "Well, I suppose we can't go back to pretending like our lives have unfortunately collided in some awful way."

She smiled sadly, liking his spin on things.

"Perhaps, we'll be friendly with one another if we ever see each other," he suggested.

"Perhaps," she agreed.

The rest of her energy finally drained. She was zapped as she sat at the bar, wondering how fucked up her day, and life, had become. She was tired and she wanted to go to bed. She wanted to go to bed, and selfishly she wanted McCoy to be there.

She paid her tab and stood up.

"You're headed off?" Daniel said with surprise.

She nodded. "Yeah." Mattie lifted her coat over her shoulders, finally prepared to find a Transporter hub. "Maybe….maybe I'll see you around."

Daniel lifted up his glass, saluting her as a goodbye.

It was just as bitterly cold, if not more when she walked outside. Any warmth from the whiskey dissipated and she tried to walk as fast as her boots would let her in the snow.

After her molecules had been scrambled and correctly rearranged she allowed herself a sigh of relief. Georgia was cold, but nowhere near the insanity of Toronto. She scurried across the street and headed down the familiar residential walk towards McCoy's house. Before leaving for shore leave, they had decided on a plan of meeting at McCoy's childhood home, as Leonard didn't want to stay in San Francisco and his mother was out of town. She easily agreed to the plan, wanting to spend time with him, though her bag was left in San Francisco at Oscars since she'd probably spend a few days with her friend as well.

Brushing off snowflakes from her puffy jacket she headed down the path that led to the big house. The porch light was off and with the amount of trees in the yard it was even darker. Knocking on the front door, she waited a few minutes wondering if he was even there when the door opened wide, Georgia McCoy greeted her.

Her mouth widened, briefly thinking about the amount of whiskey she had consumed and how she was now needing to speak to the elderly southern belle.

"Mattie," Mrs. McCoy waved her in, surprised to see the young woman. "Well, hello. What are you doing here?"

"Um," she stuttered. "I was supposed to, I thought Leonard would be here. We had plans…"

Mrs. McCoy closed the door behind them and turned to reach for the woman's coat. "And I wasn't supposed to be here," she finished for her. "Here, come in, I was just about to fix a late supper. I know it's close to eleven, but I just got in. See, I was in Tennessee for my sisters birthday, which was today, and the party was great but it just so happened my sister's the most annoying creature alive."

Mattie smiled shyly, wanting to laugh but feeling like it might be rude to do so. She took a seat at the kitchen island when offered and propped her chin on her knuckles as she listened to Mrs. McCoy talk away.

"So I wasn't planning on coming back," Mrs. McCoy continued. "Except my sister was driving me crazy, and then her husband was there, and he's _so_ boring," she said with a pointed stare at Mattie, lightly mocking her brother-in-law. "I headed home, but I guess now that I think about it, it's not like my son really wants to spend time with his mother. He just wants to spend a few days in a home that's not god knows where in the universe."

"He does like spending time with you," she assured him.

"Don't humor me," she batted back. She rummaged through pantries and called over her shoulder. "Would you like a sandwich dear?"

"I don't want to trouble you."

"I'll make you a sandwich," she replied. "The works?"

Mattie nodded happily and Georgia took out a bottle of mustard and grabbed a butter knife.

"If I know Leonard," she said. "And Jim," she gave another pointed look. "Then they've gone out drinking, but don't worry yourself, you'll stay here for the night. He'll roll in eventually. But tell me where you've been, somewhere cold right?"

"Toronto," she told her.

"Oh, I've never been." She placed a plate in front of Mattie. "Don't wait for me, tuck in."

"Thank you for this." Mattie held up her sandwich in thanks, before taking a big bite. "This is really good."

Georgia smiled coyly, picking at her own sandwich. "What are you and my son up to these days?"

Mattie stopped mid-bite. "Was the sandwich a bribe?" she asked with a mouth full of bread.

The coy smile grew wider. "Maybe."

Dammit. Mattie swallowed, wishing she had some water. "Uh," she blubbered. "We're ah…"

"Don't worry," Mrs. McCoy grinned like a Cheshire cat. "I'm not that old-fashioned. Just make sure he treats you right, okay?"

Mattie frowned at the advice. "He always treats me right." He was the first decent guy she'd ever been with.

"Good," his mother said with pride. She leaned forward on her elbows, merrily munching away when she caught Mattie stifling a yawn. "You must be exhausted. Come on, we'll get you squared away."

"Let me at least help you clean up," Mattie offered.

The older woman waved her away. "It's just about stickin em in the dishwasher. Here I'll show you where to go."

Mattie hurried behind her up the stairs. Georgia pointed down a long corridor.

"The first door on the right," she instructed. "There's a bathroom attached and you'll find spare clothes in the dresser and an extra toothbrush on the counter. Get some rest, and don't worry about sleeping in. And don't worry about Leonard. The only thing we can do is hope that Mr. Spock is keeping both him and Jim from doing something stupid. Good night, Mattie."

"Good night," she said shyly. "Thank you for letting me stay," she called after the woman, who was already descending down the stairs.

"Don't worry about it," she called back.

Mattie opened the door and stood in the doorway too shocked to move.

She was standing in the childhood bedroom of Leonard McCoy. His mother had put her in his room. And Mattie had thought that American southerners were supposed to be conservative. Apparently not Georgia McCoy.

Mattie carefully crept into the room, slowly spinning around. It was like going back in time. A vintage Atlanta Braves poster was on the wall along with a ton of holos depicting Leonard throughout the years. Smiling photos, of his younger self, a time when Jim and Spock weren't his best friends and he was still believing he'd have nothing to do with space. Diplomas were on the wall and Mattie envisioned his mother proudly hanging them up.

Slipping off her shoes, the carpet was the softest she'd ever felt before. It was so far from what Mattie had grown up with, such a different way of life. Searching for pajamas, a holo on top of the dresser caught her attention. It was a photo of Leonard with his parents by each shoulder. It was probably his high school graduation, as he wore the funny cap and gown and there was still a boyishness quality to his face. She inspected it as best she could, trying to imagine what his father could have been like.

Shutting the drawer, she slipped on a soft t-shirt, proudly declaring Ole Miss, and a pair of sweatpants that dwarfed her. She almost tripped over them, walking to the bathroom to brush her teeth. As she got into bed, Mattie briefly thought about calling or messaging Leonard to let him know she was at his house but decided against it since he was having a night out. So instead she burrowed into his bed, the sheets clean and smooth, and unbelievably, despite the harshness of the day, she was happy to be falling asleep in Leonard's bed.

* * *

Mattie jerked awake at the sound of Leonard barreling into the bedroom. Bleary-eyed she stirred around until she found his figure in the dark room. "Leonard," she mumbled.

He swayed slightly, his hands on his hips and even half asleep she could tell his brow was furrowed in confusion. "You're in my bed," he said right before taking a step sideways and nearly toppling over.

She sat up with concern. "Leonard?"

He shook his head as he stood back up. "You're in my bed," he repeated, a smug smirk on his face making Mattie roll her eyes as she fell back into the bed. She heard him struggle with his trousers, a shoe being thrown across the room and then a nearly naked Leonard crawled over her body. Except he wasn't quite sure how to work the sheets and she had to help him get into the bed, not hiding her laughter at his drunken antics.

"You're wearing my clothes," he loudly whispered, the smug smirk growing wider.

She pushed him back, but he crawled closer intent on slobbering on her face.

Smiling, she pushed him back again. "We can't do that," she insisted as one of his hands snaked up her shirt. "Your mum's here."

"No, she's not," he said. "She's in Tennessee."

"Leonard, who do you think let me in here?" she deadpanned.

He dropped his face against a pillow. "My mom's here," he whined. Some muffled words were said into the pillow but she couldn't understand them. After a few minutes of his own personal pity party, he turned to her, moving them so that they were spooning. He squeezed her waist tightly as he pulled her close. She was enjoying every moment of this silly drunken Leonard because apparently that was the only time he knew how to spoon.

"Is this where you grew up?" Mattie asked, whispering in the night. "Because your place is a mansion."

"It's not a mansion," he moaned, sleep taking over now that he'd fallen into the mattress. "It's just my house. And you're in my bed."

Mattie grinned. "Yeah," she turned her head to try to look up at him. "I'm in your bed."

He smiled wickedly at her, lifting up so that she rolled flat on her back and she began to panic when he slipped under the sheets.

"Leonard, no." She wiggled around to stop him. Her face burned at the thought of his mother being able to hear them, despite her being on the opposite side of the gigantic house. Then her face burned as she felt impossibly hot as his tongue licked her inner thigh, eventually teasing at her most delicate spot. Her eyes were rolling backwards and when she could see straight again, the first thing she saw was Leonard looking like a smug bastard. Having crawled up her body, he snogged her senseless, the taste of her still on his tongue.

"I like you in my bed," he groaned in her ear before rolling back, satisfied with his endeavors. He used one hand to cradle his head and she moved over his chest.

"I won't be able to look at your mum," she complained into his chest.

"It's not like,-"

"Don't even say it," she ordered.

He traced her spine softly and when he spoke again, he'd lost the funny drunken attitude finally coming out of the haze. "How was your day?"

Across the room, there was a perfectly square window that she stared at. The curtains were drawn but she thought the lighting looked funny. "It was okay," she lied, a stabbing feeling hitting her chest. This was exactly what she had meant when she spoke to Rosie. She had this perfectly nice, handsome guy that made her feel good (really, really good), but how could she move forward with somebody when they didn't even know how badly she had messed up. She wondered how the legendary character, James Bond, ever got over his super secret spy past. Did he always have to hide his life from the people he loved?

Love. Mattie listened to Leonard's heartbeat, contemplating that word. She wouldn't say it. She couldn't say it, even though every time she was with him, her heart seemed to grow a smidge. But the last thing she wanted to do was scare him off.

She got out of bed and padded to the window. "It's snowing," she told him.

"Get back in the bed," he ordered, moaning as he smushed his face into a pillow. After a minute, with a smile she climbed back in, her naked legs now cold.

"It's snowing," she whispered again. "I thought it didn't snow in the south."

"Of course it does," he rebutted. "And it's normal to have a cold snap in February."

"Really?" she replied.

He hummed, his hand going back to trace her spine. "I'll beat you in a snowball fight later, but only if you let me sleep."

"You're the one that woke me up," she argued, but she fell silent so they could both fall asleep. As she drifted away she smiled to herself, finding it funny that she was suddenly happy about the snow unlike earlier in the day.

A striking thought crossed her mind, that one could weather any storm so long as the right person was with you. She just wondered if Leonard would always want to be with her….

* * *

*Okay, I'm really not sure about this chapter. Please, let me know what you think! I love the feedback and it makes me happy to know that others are just in love with McCoy and Mattie as I am. It brightens my day :)


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer:** This Chapter features lyrics from the song 'You Keep Me Hangin' On' by The Supremes. All content belongs to the respective owners.

Also I want to quickly mention that you might notice that in this and the past chapter there are some time jumps. I struggled with how I wanted that to go, but I felt the need to speed by some things to get to other major parts of the storyline. If you are wondering what McCoy and Hanson's relationship is like in the parts that are jumped through you can probably guess it, i.e. lots of bickering but lots of good sex too :) We are entering the final arch of the story though.

Also as always I want to thank everybody for their follows and reviews!

* * *

 **Chapter Fifteen: Open the Door Just Wide Enough…So You Can Shut it Again**

When Leonard woke up he immediately knew it was not time for him to be awake. Groaning slightly he pushed himself up, brought awake by a small amount of motion towards the foot of the bed. Mattie was folding laundry, not that there was much for her to fold anymore. She was transfixed on making sure her red shirts were perfectly folded and stacked when she suddenly looked up and saw that he was awake. Her face dropped, worried that she'd caused him harm.

"I didn't mean to wake you," she apologized.

Shaking his head, he rubbed the sleep out of his eye. The lights were barely on, the lowest level set. The stack of laundry was piled so high, he could barely see the top of Mattie's head.

This wasn't the first time something like this had happened. It wasn't often, and McCoy was thankful for that, not because it meant he lacked sleep but because it meant Mattie was anxious about something. Sitting up further he pulled the sheets off of him.

"No," she said when she saw him trying to get up. She was now walking back and forth between the end of the bed and her closet. "Don't worry about it. Go back to bed."

"I can say the same thing back to you," he rebuffed.

She stood on her tiptoes to place a stack of clothes on the highest shelf.

"You'll wrinkle them if you do that," he sighed. The clothes were already rumpling as she tried to place them on the higher shelf. He got out of bed and grabbed them from her, wordlessly helping her. She handed him another stack and he put them up there.

"Thank you," she said while working on the lower shelves. Not satisfied with a few of her shirts, she began to refold them, standing on the edge of her bed.

Leonard was torn between asking her what was wrong. Most often than not she'd just brush off the matter, but he took the chance and was surprised when she gave him a real answer.

Using her chest as a flat space, she folded a shirt up. "Nothing," she began before changing her mind, shaking her head at herself. "Actually….Rose and I have been fighting."

"Rose," he hesitated. "Your old friend?"

"Yes," she nodded, avoiding his gaze all the while.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he offered.

She looked up, the wheels in her head turned before ultimately shaking her head. He was slightly disappointed but he didn't push it.

"Why don't you read a book?" he suggested instead. "Spock gave you a starship manual in Vulcan, didn't he?"

"Yeah," she admitted, but shrugged her shoulders. "I don't really feel like it."

"Will you tell me about Licity?" Leonard blurted, the question having been in the back of his mind for quite a while. He'd just never had the courage or felt like it'd been the right time to bring anything up. She lifted her head up, taken aback by the abruptness too.

"Licity," she said softly. She looked back at the clothes in front of her. "What do you want to know about her?"

He scratched the back of his neck. "I don't know…I just kinda wanted to know more about her, and all of it," he stumbled but then quickly tried to reassure her. "But if you don't want to talk about her then that's fine, I understand why you wouldn't want to."

She was nodding lightly, deep in thought. She sat down on the bed. "I was young," she confessed "Really, really young, but you know that."

"Did you…" he searched for the right way to say it.

"Want to keep her?" she met his eyes, a sad expression on her face. It broke his heart, seeing her like that and that was hard for Leonard to admit because he didn't like to show his emotions unless it was to yell at somebody. "Yes and no," she admitted while folding a pair of socks. "I gave her up for adoption, um, it was actually an admiral of Starfleet that adopted her. I met her a few times before the birth. She….she was heartbroken when Licity…"

Leonard swallowed, understanding how hard it was to speak on the matter. "The father…" he dared to ask.

Mattie stared out the window, her face blank as she thought back. "There was this…this car garage down the road from where I lived. Occasionally I would go and help him. One day his son showed up because eventually he was going to take over the business." She broke off, shrugging her shoulders. "I was stupid. He was stupid. It was stupid. There was just a whole lot of stupid going around."

Leonard found that he actually didn't want to know about this idiot kid that had hurt Mattie so much. He didn't think it would be good for his blood pressure. He simply thanked her for being willing to tell him about it, even if it was just a small bit, and told her that she could always talk to him if she needed (or wanted) to.

"Can I ask you something," she said while folding her fifth pair of socks. He nodded. "How did your dad die?"

It was Leonard's turn to look away. "He got sick," he simply said. Because Mattie didn't say anything else, didn't press him for any more information, he found that he felt obligated to tell her more. That he actually wanted to explain the situation to her. "There wasn't a cure at first," he said, the words sounding stiff to him as he forced himself to push them out, just in the hopes of getting through the explanation. "And he was suffering so much."

She titled her head as she looked at him. Her face made him nervous so he looked down at his hands in his lap.

"I had to be a doctor." It was a shitty excuse. If he'd been a real doctor, he'd have known about the cure in the making.

"We all have to make hard decisions." One of her hands, calloused from using tools all the time, encased his. He hadn't noticed her moving closer.

"You don't think less of me?"

There was something there in her eyes. He couldn't tell what it was, but it made him worry. But she shook her head and leaned her forehead into his, softly comforting him. "Only if you don't think less of me," she mumbled quietly, the words sounding different. A double meaning to them. He wrongly believed that it was about Licity.

* * *

" _You say although we broke up you still wanna be just friends, But how can we still be friends when seeing you only breaks my heart again_." M'Benga sang into a pretend microphone, dramatically stopping, one hand at his head in pretend distress, the other at his hip in not so pretend diva demand. He opened one eyelid and stared straight into the eyes of a young stellar cartographer. " _And there ain't nothing I can do about it_."

The doctor spun around, the Sickbay clapping which only spurred him on further.

" _Whoa, ooh, whoa, ooh, whoa_ ," he wailed into his pretend mic. " _Set me free why don't you babe, Get out, get out of my life_."

"Get out of my Sickbay!" McCoy yelled from his office doorway. He angrily pointed at the exit, serious in his demands. M'Benga just winked, dancing along to the classical music, at one point even lifting up the delicate hand of a science officer and kissing the back of it. The smooth bastard.

"Oh, come on Dr. McCoy," Giles said. He was leaned up against the wall, arms crossed over his chest, watching the show. "Let the man live his dream for a while."

"This. Is. A. Goddamn. Sickbay," McCoy growled. "My goddamn Sickbay! Not a fucking stage for his forbidden fantasies."

"Forbidden fantasies," M'Benga overheard him from across the room. "Oh, McCoy tell me about your forbidden fantasy."

Grinding his teeth, McCoy shut his office door, regretfully not able to slam it because it was controlled by the computer system. As far as he was concerned this entire ship had lost its fucking mind.

He tried to focus on his work, a little scared to go outside, fearing a heart attack if he were to see M'Benga's gyrating hips again. Random tunes still flit through to the office though, making it hard to focus on the sky-high stack of paperwork he needed to get through. The music grew louder for a second when the door opened. Mattie stood in the doorway.

"Are you throwing a party without me?" she teased.

Just because it was her, and only her, making the joke he allowed himself a small smile.

The door closed, blocking out most of the obnoxious sound and he stood up to greet her.

"It's never good when I see you here," he said and then wanted to kick himself when he saw her face. "No, I just meant…."

"You don't trust me when it comes to spending time in the Sickbay," she finished for him. She stepped closer to him so that he could wrap one hand around her waist while she touched his chest.

"You don't have the best track record," he pointed out. "Need I remind you the first time I saw you, you were seeking shelter."

"65 percent of accidents occurring at warp speeds,-"

"Occur within the first fifteen minutes of entering warp," he stated with her. "Yeah, I've heard that a time or two."

She walked to his couch, sitting down while the singing went on outside. "Are you okay?" she asked him, looking at him closely. His hair was a mess, having run his hands through it too many times throughout the day.

"I'm fine," he said quickly.

"Today marks two years into our mission," Mattie said quietly.

"Great," he replied sarcastically. He turned towards his desk, fingering a PADD. "Three more years to go."

Mattie got up and carefully walked towards his back. She wrapped her hands around him. Her touch was soft, but she hugged him tightly, comforting him in his weird mood.

"It'll be okay," she whispered. "He'll have to stop singing at some point."

Leonard grabbed one of her hands, her skin smooth. He was standing in his office one second and the next he wasn't.

He was in a tiny starter home in Georgia, brown cardboard boxes in various stages of unpacking. The kitchen lights, where he stood at the sink, were bright in contrast with the absolute black of the night. Pamela's arms had circled around him, lovingly brushing down his side as she smiled into his back.

There had been love there. Love before the ultimate fall, the fall that almost killed his soul and most definitely crushed it. He'd never tell that damn kid, James T., that it had been him and maybe even the _Enterprise_ that had slowly cinched him back together, first like a bandaid, then as glue—working to bring him back together as something whole, and something useful.

He didn't want to fall again. Not because he was afraid of his soul shattering again, but because it would be the ultimate fuck up. He'd have fucked up Mattie Hanson's life….dragging her into his failure ridden shadow of a life.

Mattie squeezed tightly and the image of his old kitchen, the one in Georgia, the first and only home he'd ever owned, disappeared. He worried that she could feel his past self, the one that'd gone down in flames, just from touching him. Choking back fear, Leonard tried to appear normal, bringing her inner wrist to his lips, kissing her lightly.

After another moment she stepped back, and he turned to see her tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "I have to get back," she said shyly. "I'll see you later, okay?"

He nodded and watched her leave.

"Fuck," he spat out a minute later, his whole body feeling like electrical wires, sparking with equal parts love and pain.

Obviously, he loved Mattie Hanson. No, he'd never said it, but after a solid year of sleeping together, of spending evenings with one another and his mother's endless amounts of annoying questions he knew that eventually the 'L' word would break free. He just hadn't expected it to come along with a long line of memories, telling him he was so fucked up. Obviously, he was fucked up, he thought to himself. Jim, Spock, definitely M'Benga would tell him to stop self-doubting, but he wasn't doing that. He was being brutally honest—admitting that he was the son of a man that he'd killed, the ex-husband of a woman who had desperately wanted something that he couldn't give her. A better life. That's all Pam had wanted and he'd failed at that.

He was incapable of love.

He fled his office quickly, not even sure where he was going, just knowing he needed to move.

There was a protocol for this. They'd agreed on it long ago, back in that Engineering control room, before that idiot redshirt had caught them kissing. They'd stop it before they ruined one another, except how was he supposed to tell her that without making her feel like she was the one to blame. He didn't know the solution, but he knew he needed to leave the relationship, the one that hadn't even had a label to begin with, before he completely ruined Mattie.

* * *

 _Hi, I've been terrible. Really, really terrible and don't do that friendly thing where you're nice and make excuses for me because nothing can be said for my lack of keeping in touch. I should have told you I was safe somewhere at the very least._

 _I guess you won't be surprised when I say that I still have good days and bad days. That I've actually gone to therapy and talked about my feelings and pretended like my father wasn't wanting to be a mass murder….so yeah, I've been mostly good and I can actually say that I have felt immensely better since leaving the Enterprise. I live in Sweden now. I know, random. Anyway, I just wanted to talk to you, or message I guess, because honestly I do miss you. You've been a good friend and I hope you're doing well. Message me when you can._

 _With love, Carol_

Mattie smiled at the message. It had been a long time since she'd heard from Carol, though she thought about her a lot. Sweden was weird, but so long as she was happy that's all that mattered. She did wonder if she ever reached out to Captain Kirk. He'd probably like that.

She knocked on Leonard's door, having paused in front of it when she saw the message pop up. The door opened, with Leonard not in sight she entered.

"Hi," she said. She hadn't seen him in over a week, suddenly disappearing, and she hadn't wanted to pry, hearing how Kirk had been making out with some alien during one of their away missions. That, combined with M'Benga was enough to drive the CMO over the edge. So she hadn't said anything all week, despite missing him and strangely aware that his warmth hadn't been beside her in a while.

Leonard looked up at her, his movements strange, almost erratic, in the overly still room. "Hi," he said flatly. It had looked like he was prepared to say something else, so she relaxed at just his greeting.

"Are you okay?" she asked, kissing his cheek lightly before shuffling a few feet from him. Maybe she had underestimated his need for space.

He nodded. "I'm meeting Jim for a drink though."

"Oh," she replied for a lack of knowing a better response. "Sorry, I should have checked with you before I came over…"

Except they had not done that for a while. For months now there had been an ease around them like they were in sync with one another as they happily found each other when they had the time.

"It's okay," he said quickly. He stood up from his desk chair and ran a hand over his face. "Um…I won't be around this next week." He brushed by her as she walked and something like ice hit her as she watched the man move.

"O-okay," she stuttered. She watched him further, stuffing a boot on his left foot as he got ready. "McCoy…"

He didn't stop or look up.

"Are you avoiding me?"

"No," he answered swiftly, straightening up.

"If you are, I'd prefer you just tell me." The line dropped out of her mouth, honesty laced with soft demand.

"I," he stopped short, thinking of a better explanation. "Space can be good sometimes."

 _Space can be good sometimes._

Mattie mulled over the sentence. She didn't know how to react. She didn't feel like crying, she was thankfully not that much of a teenage girl, but she did feel cold and she worried she had done something wrong.

"That's funny," she said, her voice plain. She wondered when she had started to sound so grown up. "Coming from the man that fears space."

While inside she was cold, her skin felt ridiculously hot. She was sure that her neck had to be bright red as she scratched uncomfortably at her skin. She couldn't look at him as she rushed out of his room. Was she mad? She didn't know, but maybe he would come to her later, explain why he was being weird and they could work through whatever it was. For the time being though she was going to give him space, lots and lots of space she promised herself as she ran to her room to burrow into her bed and pretend like she didn't miss falling asleep next to him.

* * *

"This is so pathetic," Nov said apathetically as she watched John and Louis grapple with one another.

"You knew it was mine!" John yelled at the other engineer.

"My names on it!" Louis shouted back.

"John," Mattie sighed. "Just give him his wrench back."

Her friends looked at her.

"Are you okay?" Nov looked at her strangely.

"I'm fine," she nodded her head. She turned slightly, to pick up a wire cutter so that she could go back to work. "You know," she said over her shoulder. "If Rixson or Scotty finds you two like that you won't even be alive to fight over that damn thing anyway."

"Eh," John admitted defeat, letting the tool clatter to the ground. "You make a fair point."

Louis swooped down to grab the wrench. "Thank you," he sniffed haughtily before walking off.

"You know I was just going easy on you!" John yelled after him.

"Hardly," Nov snorted.

"Hey," John cried, his pride hurt.

"What are you going on about?" Milo walked up to the engineers, whistling a happy tune.

"They're just being idiots," Nov shook her head.

"How normal of them," he chirped.

"You mean how annoying," Mattie corrected.

"Well, that's just implied," he smiled cheekily.

"I'm right here you know." John held up a hand to remind them.

"Well, go away," Nov instructed. For once he actually complied.

"Holy crap," Milo said an hour later as he looked at Mattie's inner forearm, blood sliding down. To hide his concern he tried to crack a joke. "What is it with you and accidently bleeding."

"I don't mean to," she said with just the slightest amount of despair. She had just been trying to cut a wire, not eyeing it well enough and the wire cutters, surprisingly sharp, had just dug into her skin slicing upwards. A burst of pain had flared, but all the blood dripping from her arm didn't let her focus on the prickles of hurt. "Just get me a medkit," she requested.

Milo ran to the nearest one, opening it up to grab some gauze before he even got back to her. "Shall I walk you to Sickbay for old time's sake?"

"No." She applied pressure to the wound. She felt Milo eye her strangely. "It's not very deep," she claimed, but she still felt his gaze on her.

"Let me," he kindly said, taking a few supplies out from the medkit and cleaning the cut.

"It'll clot," she told him. At least she prayed it would clot. And not get infected. And not leave a scar. She tried to steady her breathing.

"You should go to Sickbay," Milo said evenly.

"I just…" she hesitated. "I'd rather not is all." She sighed. "Please don't make me explain."

Milo's face was blank. "If you're sure."

"I am," she responded before cleaning up her station, where a light amount of blood had dripped.

Milo was nice enough not to press the issue and for the most part she believed she was doing well. If she felt a swell of nerves, she'd focus on the different colors of the Engineering Deck, a technique she had been taught. She'd count how many different shades of grey there was and note the different colors of red. Red shirts, red blinking lights, and a couple of redheads. The task distracted her enough that she was able to get back to work, proud that she was in control.

She finished Beta shift, skipped dinner and went straight to her room. She immediately took a shower, enjoying the hot water washing away work grim. Lazily examining the cut on her arm, she winced. The pulsing hot water burned into the wound. She felt like it was marring the wound further and an intense itch began.

It was all in her head. She was sure of it. It had to be true. The injury was going to be fine. Still, the itch spread up her body, the skin of her chest crawling. She stamped her foot, water beneath her splashing, as her face creased in frustration.

She did not want to be like this. She did not want to be this anxiety ridden mess.

Falling into bed, in her own sweatpants and t-shirt, she closed her eyes. If she could just go to sleep, she'd be able to stop worrying about the cut.

Except that wasn't happening. Every time she closed her eyes a gruesome image of her arm—infected, swollen and oozing pus, flashed in her mind. Panic was rising, when she remembered Giles saying M'Benga had been scheduled for Gamma shifts, retribution for his joyful singing.

Flinging the sheets off of her, she tugged her boots on and tried to calmly walk to the Sickbay. Mattie wasn't sure if it really came off that way, but nobody gave her strange looks. Though, that might have been because of the late hour. She cautiously neared the entrance, still intent on giving Leonard all the space that she needed. She briefly wondered if she could have just called Giles or M'Benga to just come and look at her, avoiding trying to avoid Leonard altogether.

M'Benga spotted her, ending that idea. "What's up, Buttercup?"

"I need your help," she said. "But…"

He raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to go on.

"I need it off the books," she requested.

"Excuse me?" M'Benga crossed his arms over his chest.

Mattie rocked back and forth on her heels, her shoulders sagging. "Please?"

He waved her into the Sickbay further, taking her to a private care room. He set down the PADD he was holding on the biobed and motioned for her to take a seat. "What happened?" he asked as he gently rolled her arm so he could look at the cut. She had been right to come in, as clear liquid oozed from the open wound. She might have fibbed to Milo when she said it wasn't all that deep.

"I made a stupid mistake." She hung her head.

"By not coming here right away," he agreed. He searched for the right spray applicator, cleaning the wound and then preparing to repair the skin. "Is there a reason you waited to come so long?"

She didn't say anything.

He tried again. "Is there a reason this is off the books?"

This time her mouth did open slightly, but no words made it out.

"Is this about McCoy?" M'Benga quietly asked.

"Please don't tell him I was here," she whispered back. "He'll get all stupid and I'm trying to give him space."

"Give him space," M'Benga repeated. "What does that mean?"

She shrugged helplessly. "I don't know," she admitted, just as confused as he was.

Finished with her arm, he took a seat next to her on the biobed. "It looks like there might be bruising, but it will be fine," he pointed at her healed injury.

She nodded, expecting the diagnosis. Surprise had made her jerk her arm, banging it on metal as she tried to extract her hands from inside a wall after accidentally cutting herself.

"Now tell me exactly about this space crap."

She told him exactly what Leonard had said to her.

"But this is all out of the blue, right?" he asked.

"Maybe," she said. The past few days Mattie had been wracking her brain, rethinking every little moment. "I mean, sometimes he's always a little strange…like he remembers that he shouldn't be, I don't know."

"Happy," M'Benga answered for her, making her look up at him sharply. "Happy," he said again, a deep frown growing on his face.

Mattie shook her head, not understanding. He stood up from the bed and started to clean the workstation. "This has nothing to do with you." He looked directly into her eyes as he said it.

"It kinda does, though," she argued.

"No," he cut her off. "He's just being a grumpy bastard. If he knows what's good for him, he'll get over it soon."

There had to be more to it, Mattie was sure of it. She got off the bed, glad that at least with her injury healed, she could push away some of her hypochondriasis.

"Make sure you get rest," M'Benga instructed. With the wound healed he knew that shouldn't be a problem, but he was aware that anxiety and stress could keep a person up all night and no engineers should be fuzzy due to lack of sleep.

"What time is it?"

"02:13," he said.

"Plenty of time before Alpha."

He rolled his eyes. "Just make sure you get some sleep. I'm serious," he said as he opened the door. "I'll not have this ship come crashing down for something stupid like that."

"You know you kinda sound like the CMO," she teased. "Thank you," she added. "For your help."

"It's my job," he replied. "And just remember what I said."

He watched her walk away, already silently grumbling. McCoy was an idiot. An absolute, utter idiot as far as he was concerned. He was going to tell him that too, as soon as he saw the doctor. Granted that didn't happen until eight hours later, when McCoy came in later than usual, thanks to a senior officers meeting.

M'Benga narrowed his eyes at the CMO. Oh, this was going to be good.

He marched to the office, letting himself in without an invitation and stopping to stand in front of the man's desk, hands on his hips. Not to be too dramatic, but M'Benga was ready for battle.

"Are you effing kidding me," M'Benga burst out, surprising even himself at the fierceness of his tone. McCoy's immediate stormy expression indicated danger, but he ignored the warning.

"What the hell-,"

"Are you effing kidding me!" M'Benga angrily cut him off. "Did you miss my other speech about happiness? About letting love in and letting yourself be happy."

"M'Benga," McCoy warned, rubbing his temple as a headache began.

"No," he cut him off again. "No, no." He crossed his arms over his chest. "Don't tell me you enjoy being a miserable grumpy bastard all the time."

The CMO stood up from his desk. "Watch your mouth, M'Benga. This is my goddamn Sickbay."

"And it was my fucking shift when Mattie crawled in here, waiting till you had left before seeking medical care."

Leonard sucked in a deep breath. "What are," he started to stutter.

"She's okay," he assured him. "But she shared with me that you had asked her for a little 'space'." He cocked his head at the doctor. "Care to explain why you're being an asshole to one of the only people who actually puts up with you?"

Leonard ignored the question. Instead, he picked up a PADD, bringing up Mattie's medical file. He immediately wanted to throw the device against the wall. Why the hell had she waited so long to come in for help? For one second, McCoy didn't see anything, anger taking over completely. So many things had gone wrong and it was all because he had been a goddamn idiot by getting involved with a woman again.

"Oh, great," M'Benga said, throwing his arms up in the air. "You're doing the whole, doubting yourself thing that you always do."

McCoy wanted to throttle the man. Why the hell did M'Benga always think he knew him?

"M'Benga, shut up," he growled.

"No," the man refused. His hands went back to his hips. "And I'll tell you why…I care about you."

McCoy looked up sharply.

"That's pathetic," M'Benga said of McCoy's facial expression. "And I'm not the only one that cares about you. Hell, even that green blooded bastard, as you like to call him, cares about you. And I know in your weird old way, that you care about us too. I can tell by all the yelling. The problem is one day you're going to look up and figure out that the person you care the most about…the one you wouldn't let yourself risk it all for—has already left because you pushed her away. All because you once again stopped yourself from being happy."

"Why do you always say shit like this?"

"I spent some time on Vulcan," M'Benga explained. "And man those suckers really don't know how to lie. A person can pick up a thing or two from a bunch of aliens that are strange about their feelings."

"M'Benga,"

"No," the man shook his head. "It's not me you should be speaking with. I think you'll find that person down in Engineering."

M'Benga watched McCoy closely. Waves of emotion passing through his face. His fists clenching, then relaxing, then clenching again. He believed, he really did, believe for just one shiny second that his words had gotten through to the CMO when he watched McCoy's jaw clench and his face smooth out until it was blank. The CMO sat down on his office chair and looked at M'Benga with all the pretense of being unlovable.

"I can't," he told M'Benga.

 _We've lost him._ The words floated through M'Benga's mind while he stood at the office door. For once the man didn't have anything to say back. So he turned around and he left thinking that it was a sad day for love.

* * *

*Let me know what you think! I always value the feedback (in fact I kinda crave it)! :)


	16. Chapter 16

Thanks for all the reviews and follows! And I hope you don't all hate me for this chapter. There's only two left!

* * *

 **Chapter Sixteen: And Then The Next Chapter**

"Words can't describe how happy I am to see you," Carol Marcus said.

As soon as she had heard Mattie knock on her front door, she had run to answer it and was now leaned up against the frame as she smiled widely at the sight of Mattie.

"Hi," was all Mattie said in response. She bit her lip, wanting to smile but she didn't trust herself. Her chin was already starting to wobble and as soon as Carol had said hello emotion began to well up in her chest. She was stunned by that emotion—it was neither sad or happy, but perhaps a mixture of the two and topped with a relief that they were finally standing in front of each other after so much time had passed.

Carol understood exactly what Mattie was feeling. She started to laugh, a wet, bubbly laughter that also risked tears. She came out of the doorframe and wrapped both arms around Mattie, squeezing tight.

"Hi," Mattie said again, also laughing. Then they were both laughing and both crying and everything suddenly felt okay.

Carol leaned back but still kept her hands on Mattie's forearms. "We should get coffee."

"Coffee sounds good," Mattie agreed.

"Okay, hang on." Carol dashed back into her tiny house to grab a jacket and her purse. Happily draping a scarf around her neck, Carol closed the door behind her and arm in arm they walked down the small lane. "You found the place alright?" she asked Mattie.

She nodded. "It's not very far from the Transporter."

"I know," Carol grinned. "It comes in handy."

Mattie looked around her as she walked through the residential area. It intersected with a busier main street. She had never been in Sweden before and she was fascinated with figuring out how it meshed with Carol Marcus.

Carol seemed to know that that was what Mattie was doing as she glanced around. "I like it her," she told her.

"It's very beautiful."

"It is isn't?" Carol agreed and Mattie couldn't help but think that Carol's own beauty was shining through. She looked good—her hair had grown out a little bit longer and she tucked it back in a small ponytail. She seemed taller and happier, standing up straight with her head held high. Her eyes were bright and in the sunlight they shined.

Carol Marcus was better. She was healed and she was happy. That in turn, made Mattie happy.

"This is my favorite little spot." Carol pointed to a café and stepped ahead of Mattie to hold open the door. She waved at a woman behind the counter and they were quickly served by the woman who treated Carol like her own daughter. When the woman had settled down and they were finally left alone with two steaming cups of coffee Carol sat back in her seat and brought her gaze to study Mattie. "How are you holding up?"

Mattie looked out the window for a second before taking a deep breath. "How much do you know?"

Carol tried to shrug nonchalantly. "Suzy might have mentioned that you and Rosie weren't speaking to each other anymore."

Mattie cocked her head, silently asking what else Carol knew.

"And I might have heard a rumor or two about you and a grumpy doctor getting together on the _Enterprise_." Carol quickly took a gulp of coffee, wide eyes looking at Mattie for confirmation.

Mattie stifled a groan. "Who told you that?"

"Keenser and I are still great friends."

"Traitor," Mattie whispered. Carol was trying very hard not to laugh at Mattie's surprised expression.

"He can be very chatty," Carol informed her.

"I know that," she rolled her eyes in response.

Carol added a sugar cube to her coffee. "Do you want to talk about any of it? Or am I to assume that you actually came to Sweden during your time off just because you wanted to see me."

"I did want to see you," she quickly defended herself.

"Good. Let's talk about it anyway."

A wisp of a smile glided on Mattie's face at her friend's antics.

"We'll begin with Rose," Carol suggested. "What's this nonsense about you two not speaking to one another for months now."

Mattie's shoulders fell. She didn't speak for a long time, but Carol waited. "You know John Harrison shot me." Carol nodded. "I just didn't know that it was because he liked me enough that he wanted me to stay with him and kill your…"

"Father," Carol supplied. Mattie shook her head quickly. "And you're mad because she didn't tell you that?"

"I hadn't remembered his exact words before he shot me," she explained. "And then I woke up in a hospital and nobody filled me in. I just feel so stupid for being lied to for so long and to top it all off it hit home that I really am a bad guy."

Carol frowned. "Refusing his offer to start a war is the opposite of being the bad guy, so stop beating yourself up about it."

Mattie sank back in her seat, staring out the window again like a sullen teenager. "Doesn't mean Rose should have kept that from me."

Carol cupped her hands around the large mug of coffee, liking the warmth it brought. She thought long and hard for a second, wanting to find exactly the right words to say.

"Put yourself in her shoes."

Mattie's eyes roved towards Carol.

"Her life has revolved around Starfleet since she entered at sixteen," Carol began. "She had a life and a career and she thought she had been offered a life changing opportunity when my dad asked her to head up a special team working on the brightest technology Starfleet had ever created. She saw the brightest minds on Earth, whittled down to just ten. Then just two when you and Suzy made it through the trial program. She felt like she had a responsibility to you guys.

"You didn't know it, but Rose was formulating a plan to get you and Suzy to safety a lot longer than you think when John Harrison's true nature was revealed. She was smart enough not to trust my father, but that also meant that she was afraid to go to anybody in Starfleet. Maybe it was fate that she saw Ambassador Spock one day in a lift, but with his help, she was able to get you guys to safety. Her life was just as damaged as yours was."

Mattie blinked heavily, her mind wondering as she thought about Rosie doing everything in her power to get them away from Khan and Marcus. That had been selfless, there was no denying that.

"But," Carol switched to another important point. "Her micromanaging went too far. You should have been in control of your future. She was trying to help you when she asked Mr. Scott to bring you on as a warp specialist, but you should have been the one to decide what you wanted to do with your life.

"You just have to understand….we all had to learn to deal with the fallout of Khan. Everybody had to work through the pain and figure out how to live with what we did or went through."

"You seem to be doing much better," Mattie pointed out.

Carol sat back in her chair, toying with the mug in front of her. "I have," she said it like she was just realizing the truth of the matter. "Honestly, leaving the _Enterprise_ was the best thing I could have ever done."

"Don't think Captain Kirk would agree with that," she noted.

Carol smiled. It wasn't a sad smile but it was almost wishful. "You know you don't have to stay."

Mattie's brow creased.

"You're in control of your life, Mattie. Just because you took the job on the _Enterprise_ because of Rose, you don't have to stay."

Mattie's mind wandered on the subject. She had honestly felt locked in on the five-year mission. Was there a responsibility for her to stay in her position and continue working as a team with her fellow engineers?

"Just remember that you can make decisions," Carol reminded her. "Now tell me about this grumpy doctor that you now have."

A small laugh erupted from Mattie. "I don't really have a grumpy doctor. Not really anymore."

Carol's brows knitted together. "Keenser hadn't said anything."

Mattie shook her head. "It's been kinda recent. A month and a half ago he told me he wanted space."

"That's shitty."

Mattie agreed with that statement wholeheartedly. "We mainly ignore each other now. He yelled at me one time because I had gone to M'Benga for help and not him. Did this whole little rant thing and then he avoided me like I was the plague." She stared down at her now room temperature coffee. "Last week I snuck into his room because I couldn't sleep. He didn't kick me out, but by the time I woke up he was gone and I was too afraid to try to find him so I don't even know what he's doing during shore leave."

"Probably up to trouble with Jim," Carol joked.

"Probably," Mattie said in a much less amused tone. She rolled her shoulders, willing the stress and tension away. It was a lost cause. She'd been off her game since all this nonsense with Leonard began. "Maybe it's a good thing anyway."

"How do you figure?"

Mattie paused. "I don't know, I've just always felt guilty about hiding what my life in Starfleet had really been like. Different scenarios of me telling him would run through my head and all I could picture was Leonard being horrified or ashamed of me. This way I won't have to hurt him, by explaining that I'm this big fat liar who worked with the world's worst villain."

Carol cocked her head at Mattie. "Give him a bit more credit than that."

Mattie looked at her in surprise.

She shrugged. "Leonard's best friends with Jim Kirk. He's no stranger to friends and crewmates that have a checkered past. You're right to worry about keeping it from him. The longer you wait, the more awkward it will be."

"We're not even talking right now," Mattie reminded her.

"Right," Carol shook her head in disgust. "That's just ridiculous. Corner him and tell him to cut it out. You deserve better than that."

Mattie bit her lip, stopping herself from laughing. "You know sometimes you remind me of Captain Kirk."

Carol looked at her in confusion.

"You're a spitfire Carol Marcus," Mattie explained. "And I can totally see why a guy like Jim Kirk would go crazy about you."

Carol began to blush.

"You should give that dog a bone," Mattie suggested in a hushed tone.

"I'm pretty sure we were talking about your love life," Carol deflected.

Mattie grinned widely. "I made the right decision, coming to visit you. I've missed you."

Carol matched her grin, her eyes shining bright. "I've missed you too."

* * *

The bar that Oscar chose for them that night was completely different to the relaxing day Mattie had had with Carol. She was running behind so she met him at the bar, where he was already seated and on his second round. Sitting down, she smiled at the bartender and asked for a Budweiser Classic.

"My darling," Oscar chirped. He kissed her on the cheek and then went back to his beer. He had grease on his hands, his usual black beanie snuggly keeping his brown curls at bay, and he sang along happily to whatever tune was being blasted. He was typical Oscar and Mattie's heart almost hurt, she was so happy to see him again.

Swinging around in his barstool, he eyed Mattie carefully.

"What?" she asked suddenly nervous.

"I need to talk to you about something."

That didn't help her nerves but she tried to remain calm. "Okay?"

"Now I'm not trying to meddle," he began and she began to understand what this little talk could be about. "But Rosie's told me all about this argument you guys have been having."

She rubbed her forehead. "I've already had a long day discussing it with Carol."

Oscar nodded, telling her he understood. "I just wanted to say…. I'm on your side."

Her brow crinkled with confusion. "Really, but?"

"Rose is my oldest friend," Oscar said. "But she's not your boss anymore. It wasn't fair that she went big sister on you, but she and Suzy got to make their own decisions after the whole running from Khan fiasco."

"Well," she wasn't quite sure what to say. "Thanks."

"And I want to offer you a job."

Mattie gaped at him. "What?"

From an inside pocket of his jacket, he took out a worn paper map. It was the size of a placemat when unfolded and he placed it on the bar counter in front of them.

"This is your chance to make a decision," he explained. "Don't even feel like you have to take the offer. Just know that it's always going to be on the table."

"What is this?" she asked, pointing to the map.

"Well," he started. "When Rosie told me that you were upset and feeling like you were forced to take a job on the _Enterprise_ , I tried to picture your future if you weren't an engineer on a spaceship. I asked myself what you would do with your life and I realized…you'd be fixing things."

"Fixing things." That was exactly right.

"Fixing things," he confirmed. "You'd want a job that was all about messing around, putting things together, plugging shit in, doing this and that and then I realized: a Starfleet shipyard would be like a safe haven for you. Literally, a jungle for you to play in. And then I realized: I'm the foreman at the San Francisco shipyard! I could get you a job! Then I was thinking though that you might not want to work in San Fran, fair enough. So here," he gestured at the map. "This is a map with every Starfleet shipyard on it. Have your pick and I can get you a job there."

Her eyes scanned the red dots on the map, each one a 'safe haven' as Oscar had called it. A place for Mattie to do what she had always loved—getting her hands dirty as she turned scraps into something more amazing. If she worked at a shipyard those tiny scrap parts would turn into spaceships. She couldn't imagine a more amazing and exciting thing. Her body began to tingle with excitement before she shook her head, trying to clear her head.

"I don't know," she looked up at Oscar.

He nodded, his usual silly smile gone and his face serious. "Think about it," he told her. "Just think about it. I know you've met a lot of friends onboard the _Enterprise_ , and it's not that I'm trying to take you away from that. I guess maybe I'm just trying to give you the opportunity that you never had—an opportunity to make a decision about your own fate."

 _A decision about your own fate._

The words swirled around her head as the map opened up all kinds of new possibilities. She had never in her life really gotten to make a decision. When she took the entrance exam for Starfleet, the marks had been intercepted by Admiral Marcus and his team. If she wanted to get away from her town and join Starfleet she had to work for Marcus's special program. Then Rose had heavily suggested and all but made it seem that the job on the _Enterprise_ was the only thing coming her way.

Her palm smoothed over the map. San Francisco, Iowa, Toronto, Ireland, Moscow, India. "I could work in Australia," Mattie said, the idea striking her like lightening. "And I could visit my brother Charlie more often. Really be in his life." But what about Leonard?

Mattie finally did have a choice to make. Stay or leave?

* * *

Just lay it all out there. Just lay it all out there.

The mantra played on a loop in her mind as she nervously wrung her hands. She had spent her life being a Nervous Nellie, but there was nothing quite like this as she knocked on Leonard's door. Shore leave had come and gone well over a week ago meaning that Mattie had constantly spent her time thinking through the advice Carol and Oscar had given her. It was only a spur of the moment thing that jostled Mattie to just go and confront Leonard. So straight after shift, she had forced herself to march up to Deck 9 and not chicken out. Though as she knocked on the door, she desperately hoped that maybe he wasn't even in. It was pretty late after all.

Except he did answer.

He sucked in a breath real quick as he stared down at Mattie. There was hesitation there, but he stepped back allowing her access into the room. He was clad only in sweatpants and had ditched the regulation blue shirt. She stood there in her overalls and messy ponytail and pushed away any thoughts of being inadequate. She was who she was and she'd fought to become that person. If Leonard didn't want her….there would be pain, but at least she'd put her best effort into it.

"I want to tell you something," Mattie started. He was looking out the window, which was most definitely a bad sign because he hated confronting the vastness of space. She knew he was listening to her though. "Um, and I think it's fair that you listen to me because if not…well then you really are a complete and utter twat who's more of a wanker than a gentleman."

Some of the tension in Leonard's shoulders dissipated because she sounded exactly like she always had—ridiculous, and he faced her.

"I know I've been a dick," he admitted and she was surprised he actually did. "So, yeah it is only fair that I give you a chance to speak."

"Thanks," she stuttered. He was being much too nice, another bad sign.

"I was offered a job."

She could tell he was taken aback by her declaration. He had been trying so hard to keep a blank face, but surprise morphed into deeper thought and Mattie knew that he was already deciding that her taking another job would be a good thing.

"And I used to work for Section 31."

She felt dizzy after saying the words, almost not believing that she'd actually said them. That this moment had finally come.

Lay it all out, she reminded herself.

"And I love you."

She was pretty sure Leonard was having a heart attack or an aneurysm or maybe both.

"What?" he blinked. He was expecting her to eventually track him down, yell at him a bit, maybe even a few tears shed. Not this. He had not been expecting this.

"I used to work,-."

"I heard you!" he interrupted, his voice too loud like he didn't know how to control it. "Uh, um," he struggled. He rubbed at his brow, willing away tension. "Um…."

"I'm not a real engineer," she explained as he looked at her searchingly. "I never even went to the Academy."

His brows bout hit the ceiling.

She had to keep explaining, she had to put it all out there. "They said the only way I could be in Starfleet was if I did this engineering program. They said it was newly implemented and I thought it was my only shot at getting away from an abusive boyfriend. The program was run by John Harrison."

Leonard's eyes flashed at the name.

"I know," she wobbled out. "I know that there are no excuses I could ever give, not after working with a man that wanted to destroy _everything_. Which is why I'm not expecting for you to be okay with this or for you to even forgive me for the mistakes I've made."

"Where were you," he asked, his voice dangerously low. "When it all happened?"

Her mouth opened, but her mind was moving too fast to respond so quickly. She knew he was referring to it all—when Khan bombed the archive in London, when he tried to destroy the _Enterprise_ , when he wrecked San Francisco.

She squared her shoulders and answered truthfully. "I was in a hospital on New Vulcan."

"What?" He gestured with his hands in a manner that suggested he didn't know what that really meant as he began to ramble. "You worked with Khan? You're saying you built the _Vengeance_? And what, you didn't realize you were working with a psychopath!"

His anger was justified. Her eyelids briefly closed, willing herself to be numb from any emotion that would make her hysterical. Now was not the time for tears. It was the time for plain and simple words that would allow the truth to stand on its own.

She swallowed. "Do you think that the _Vengeance_ was the only thing that we worked on?" His face grew stormy and she took a deep breath. "We destroyed it all." He paused to listen. "Rose, Suzy, and I. We ran from Admiral Marcus and Section 31 agents and we went to New Vulcan, after effectively destroying almost all of the war technology we had created."

"Is that how you're justifying your actions?" he asked angrily. "Congratulations! You grew a conscious after working with the man that wanted to kill us all. The man that killed Jim!"

Mattie bit down on her lip, breaking the skin and tasting metallic.

"Don't do that!" he snapped childishly at the sight of the small wound.

She rubbed her bottom lip with her sleeve and he began to pace. He'd throw furious glances her way every so often before they eventually turned to softer, sadder ones.

"I told you that I wasn't expecting you to be okay with it," she told him again.

"Then what the hell were you expecting? A congrats for finally being truthful to me."

"I'm laying it out all on the table," Mattie cried. "I'm being upfront with how I feel and what I want. You're being the bastard who can't ever let himself be happy. I know it, you know it, M'Benga knows it,-"

"Leave M'Benga out of it!"

"Carol knows it, Scotty, Keenser, everybody,-"

"Okay, I fucking got it!" he snapped.

"Then why don't you admit that this plays perfectly into your hands." She threw up her hands in example. "Here is your great big excuse for not being with me. Even better, you're not at fault. So now you have an excuse when M'Benga tries to yell at you."

"Would you just stop for a second!" he said coldly and Mattie felt a blister of anger at the words. She could take the cussing, the bitterness, and even the ignoring. But asking her to be silent, to not speak her mind around him hurt.

"So what?" he spit his words out. "You're laying it out on the table? What, what do you want from that?"

Mattie hesitated. "D-do you want me to stay on the _Enterprise_?"

He looked at his feet as he walked.

"I can't force your love," she said when he never responded. "And I look around every day and see the damage that I did to this ship. I thought I had nowhere else to go, but then this job,-."

"You'd give up all your responsibilities for it? Leave behind all your friends?" he cut her off. She stayed still as she thought. "Do you want the job that much or are you taking it to get away from me?"

It was a make or break moment.

"I'm saying I'll stay for you."

He shook his head, finally having stopped pacing. "You want to take this job," he said knowingly.

She tilted her head, looking at him. "How do you know?"

"I can see it," he said, pointing to his eye for greater effect. He moved closer to her and she felt something wash over them. The anger from a few minutes earlier was melting away, a calmer emotion settling in it's place as they took a look at their relationship from an adult standpoint. "You want to take the job."

She didn't say anything.

He stepped forward, within her touch for the first time in weeks. She wanted desperately to reach out and cup his cheek, to feel his warm body underneath her fingertips. To feel his solid muscle and the familiarity of him.

"Don't stick around on this tin can because of me."

She looked up at him in confusion.

He shook his head again. "Khan aside," he spit out the name, knowing he was going to have sleepless nights as he thought about his Mattie within arms reach of him. "I'm an old divorcee that's tied to this ship because I have to make sure that kid doesn't kill us all. You're young and you could have a better future than the one that had originally been carved out for you."

She absorbed his words, a sadness overtaking her. "You're punishing yourself," she accused.

He stared down into her darker blue eyes. His shoulders moved up and down, his breaths calm and steady. Wrapping one hand around her waist, her heart about jumped out of her chest.

"Take the job, Mattie," he whispered. "Don't stick around for me, because the best thing I could ever do for you—is leave you the hell alone."

He was so close, so, so damn close. Instinctively, she stood up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips against his and felt so much better for doing it. For letting herself feel him again, no matter how short and how bittersweet it was.

He detached himself from her.

"This is a mistake," she whispered up at him, knowing what they were doing was the wrong choice.

He didn't respond and she didn't press him. Instead, a fog descended around her, a mix of emotions weighing her down as she walked out of his room and headed towards Scotty's office.

"Didn't you just get off shift?" Rixson asked, not taking her eyes away from a PADD she held in her hands. She stood right outside Scotty's office.

"Yeah," she admitted. "But is Scotty around to speak to?"

Rixson looked over her shoulder. "Yeah, he's inside. I'd speak to him before he's completely plastered though."

Mattie nodded her head in understanding and walked around him to knock on the door.

"Aye! Come in." Scotty spun around in his desk chair, raising up a bottle of scotch happily at the sight of her. "Mattie Lass!" He was feeling quite happy already. "'Ave ah drink lass!"

She smiled thinly, not having the energy for Scotty's tipsy enthusiasm. Upon seeing her face, he lowered the bottle of liquor and looked at her in concern.

"Take a seat," he instructed. "What's tae matter?"

"Mr. Scott." She didn't know where to begin and absentmindedly she rubbed her forearm. "I, uh."

He leaned forward, looking at her quizzically. "Lass?"

"I would like a transfer," she blurted out. Seeing his face drop she rushed to explain. "I've grown up so much on this ship and I can only thank you for everything you've ever done for me. I've learned so much and the people here I've met…they're, they're…" She couldn't even put it into words how much the crew meant to her. "It's just, I've had another job offer…and I think I want to take it."

Scotty blinked at her. And then blinked at her. And then continued to blink at her in confusion.

"Sir?"

"No." His teeth snapped down on the word and he leaned back in his chair. Lazily he poured himself a drink. "I can't do it," he shook his head. "I won't do it," he promised himself.

"Sir."

A desperate plea was attached to the one word. His movements stopped and he peered at her over his drink. His shoulders dropped.

"Lass?" he began, an uncomfortable feel attached to the conversation. "Are you that unhappy with her?" he motioned around, referring to his ship.

She smiled, a beautiful, painful smile. "No," she said. "Your _Enterprise_ is truly one of the best places in this entire galaxy. It's just." Now tears really did threaten. "It's just I'm not meant to be here anymore."

He stared at her a long time, his eyebrows high and his facial expression displaying disbelief. Eventually, his tense posture relaxed and he admitted defeat.

"Alright lass," he heard himself say, cursing himself for not fighting her on the issue. "Alright, lass, we'll talk to Spock and get ya sorted."

* * *

"Sir," Rixson approached him the next day. "The plasma conduits…"

"Hmm," Scotty barely acknowledged her.

She bit her tongue and rolled her eyes. She'd been here how many years and all she got back was 'hmm'?

"The plasma conduits," she said again.

"Aye?" he finally looked up. They were walking together on the Main Engineering Deck and out of habit he picked up a wrench that was lying unused. "Aye, I saw to that this morning."

"Oh," Rixson replied. "Milo mentioned that the antimatter wasn't channeling correctly."

"What?" he said gruffly. "Damn blast it!"

He whacked the wrench against a metal handrail, the loud crack causing any engineers in the immediate area to look up.

"Mr. Scott?" Rixson raised a brow at the Scot's behavior.

"And who were ya expecting ta fix tae core?" Scotty rounded on her. Keenser carefully walked closer to his friend, normally being able to calm him down easily. "Oh, no," he pointed at the oyster looking alien. "Don't you dare say that to me! I tried, I fucking tried to keep her here."

"Sir," Rixson began to understand the bigger issue. "Are you upset about the issue we discussed last night? About Mattie leaving?"

"Mattie's leaving?" An engineer popped their head over the railing of a catwalk, peering down at them. "She's leaving?"

Rixson looked up at them, silently telling them to mind their own business.

"Aye," Scotty said in a weepy voice. Keenser sympathetically blinked at him. "Oh, stop it," Scotty told him.

"What do you mean Mattie's leaving?" somebody else said.

"But why?" another person said.

"Oh, great now you've told all the Chatty Cathy's," Rixson complained under her breath.

"Oh, I'll tell you why," Scotty fueled the gossip. He was full on ranting and raving, waving his wrench around in the air for good measure.

"What are we going to do? Add another warp core specialist?" a redshirt asked and then backed away at Rixon's glare.

"Another warp core specialist!" Scotty wailed.

"For the record, if I left you would never act this way," Rixson pointed out.

Scotty looked affronted. "I would!" he said adamantly. He turned around emotionally eyeing all of his engineers. "Aye, I would! _Because we are a family_ ," he said each word pointedly.

"If we're a family then why would Mattie leave?" somebody asked bitterly.

"Oh my God, does this mean she and McCoy broke up?"

"Or is she pregnant?"

"Everybody go to their damn stations and do their fucking jobs!" Rixson cried out.

They all ignored her, watching Scotty's breakdown and whispering to themselves about why and when Mattie was leaving.

Scotty sniffed heavily. "McCoy," Scotty rolled the name around. "That grumpy bastard." He continued to get worked up about it. Of course, the lass was leaving cause she was heartbroken. Scotty had easily spotted that. Didn't make it right, though, her leaving when she was one of the most gifted engineers he'd ever seen. He started to wave his wrench around again as he envisioned the bastard breaking Mattie Lass's heart. "That bloody bastard." Scotty shook. "I oughta show that bastard something."

"Montgomery Scott," Rixson cried out after him. "Don't do something stupid!" she watched him march out of Engineering. "Oh shit," she said to herself. "He's going to do something stupid."

Yet, she couldn't help but feel that Dr. McCoy would deserve it. She was decidedly on Team Mattie.

* * *

Jim relished the cold water that splashed against his face. He liked the feeling because he just wanted to know that he could feel something. Water dripping from his skin he studied the blue eyes that were reflected back in the mirror. He blinked, effectively cutting off the image.

It was too early to get all philosophical, he admonished himself. Grabbing a hand towel he scrubbed his face. The face that had once attracted all the ladies wherever he went.

 _Never the right woman._

He shook his head again, willing any and all thoughts of Carol Marcus away. He kept telling himself he only wanted what wasn't his. And no, his pride wasn't hurt that Carol hadn't contacted him or ever said goodbye or ever….anything. They'd had their shot, back in San Francisco before the start of the five-year mission.

Now it was just a matter of something that could have happened but never did.

But in the vastness of space he was starting to wonder about her again because despite being on the best ship in the galaxy (yes, he believed it to be fact) surrounded by some of the best people in the galaxy, it could still be lonely.

Glancing at the clock, he tugged a gold shirt over his head and started the trek to the Bridge. He never took the stars for granted and every time he entered the Bridge there was a thrill at the sight in front of him. It was just that lately something else seemed to be missing.

"Bones," he tipped his head at the CMO. "Why are you bickering with my First Officer?"

"This pointy-eared bastard." McCoy pointed at Spock just in case Jim didn't know who he was referring to. "Is trying to do my damn job again."

"I merely suggested," Spock began to defend himself, but Jim only half-listened, taking a seat in his chair and staring out at the stars.

"Mr. Sulu report please," he requested.

Sulu began to drone on and Jim listened, but his melancholy attitude didn't seem to disappear.

"Captain," Uhura started to say something when the Bridge doors opened and Scotty marched onto the Bridge, brandishing a wrench and a glint in his eyes.

"Mr. Scott?" Jim questioned at the man's mad appearance. The angry glint was still there when Scotty paused.

"Permission to whack Dr. McCoy with my wrench?" Scotty asked.

The entire Bridge was startled before turning to figure out what was going on. Jim made some kind of noise in the back of his throat, not able to process things fast enough.

"Mr. Scott!"

Scotty swiped with his wrench at Bones's head, whacking him full force.

A strangled yelp and several curse words shot through the Bridge as the doctor tumbled to the floor. Jim sprang to his feet and Spock appraised the situation, but surprisingly made no move to suppress the Chief Engineer.

"Spock!" Jim yelled, waving a hand at Scotty who was now trying to beat the doctor with his wrench. Bones had one arm up, protecting his face and his forearm took most of the conflict.

Spock only raised one quizzical eyebrow. "It seems that Mr. Scott is destructively showing his emotion and opinion on Lieutenant junior grade Hanson's recently approved transfer request."

Every crewmember's face showed some form of shock at Spock's comment. Even Uhura gazed up unexpectedly at her partner.

"Okay, okay," Jim tried to pull Scotty off his friend. "Mr. Scott, that's enough," he shouted.

Mr. Scott drew back, Jim carefully eyeing his weapon, and glowered at the other man.

"Nobody!" he spewed at Bones. "Touches my engineers!"

He looked around the Bridge, addressing them all.

"Nobody touches my engineers!" he said again. "No touching, no breaking!" he wagged a finger at Dr. McCoy, who narrowed his eyes back, his face red and angry. "An ya can message tha' to tae entire ship!" he pointed at Uhura, so she knew he was speaking to her. She only raised her eyebrows in response.

"Mr. Scott," Jim warned again.

"Aye, aye," he took a step back. "Alright, I'll walk myself down to tae Brig."

He left the Bridge and one security officer actually did follow himself out. Jim doubted that Scotty was about to walk himself down the Brig but he would appreciate it if the security officer would get that wrench out of Scotty's grip. Jim crouched down beside Bones, making sure he was okay.

"What's this about Hanson transferring?" he asked in a low voice. He knew his friend was going through some things, he wasn't that ignorant, but he was sure that they'd work it out eventually instead of literally jumping ship.

"Lieutenant junior grade Hanson," Spock answered for McCoy making Jim curse the Vulcan's good hearing. He hadn't wanted this conversation to be so vocal, not while they were on the Bridge. "Has resigned her post as a warp core specialist."

"And you approved this?" Jim didn't necessarily growl when he asked it, but his opinion in the matter could obviously be heard and it took Spock by surprise.

"I approve the majority of any transfer requests," Spock defended his position.

"Where is she transferring to?" Jim demanded, already wondering if he could talk her out of joining any other ship.

"Melbourne."

"Melbourne?" Jim responded, confused.

"A shipyard sir," Spock explained, not mentioning that yes, it would technically be like a demotion for the officer when she took a non-commissioned position within Starfleet.

"Why didn't I know about any of this?" he asked and how the hell had she gotten a job in a shipyard?

"Jim, leave it be," Bones insisted.

Jim ignored the man and helped him to his feet before facing his First Officer.

"The matter came up a night ago," Spock said. "And was dealt with by myself and Mr. Scott."

"Why am I the last to know about everything?" Jim complained. He noticed Spock clench his jaw, not allowing himself to answer the rhetorical question. Pointy-eared bastard. He grabbed Bones by the shoulder and pulled him off the Bridge, and away from any more curious eyes and ears. "Look Bones,"

"No," his friend shook his head quickly, not meeting his eye.

"I can stop this," Jim insisted.

A bitter laugh erupted from Leonard. "No you can't," he finally looked up. "It's okay. Mattie and I talked about it."

Jim was at a loss, staring blankly at his friend, not sure what to say or do. "You…talked about it?"

Leonard tried to shrug his shoulders, but the movement failed about halfway through and it came out looking like a sad attempt.

"Bones?" Jim tried to ask again.

"Just leave it be," Bones said once more, shaking his head and hurrying off, back to the sanctuary in the Sickbay.

Jim was left looking as his friend's back. Even after McCoy was out of eyesight, he just kept standing in the corridor looking at where his friend had run off to.

"Um, hang on," he stopped a yeoman running past him. "Can I see a list of any scheduled departures."

"There's one today, Captain," the yeoman informed him, also showing him a PADD.

Mattie Hanson was going to catch a ride from the _Marswell_ , which was on its way towards San Francisco, the opposite direction of where the _Enterprise_ was heading. Several hours later, after yelling at Mr. Scott, then feeling sorry and sharing a glass of whiskey with him because he felt so bad for the engineer, they were both down at the Transporter Room bidding farewell to Hanson.

Jim couldn't help but hate her a little bit, knowing she was leaving behind his Bones. He knew that Bones was making it that way, but still, he could hate her a little bit for it.

"Junior Lieutenant," he offered her a hand, still having to act like a good little captain. "It's been a privilege."

Tentatively she grasped his hand, shaking. Her navy blue eyes caught his and the emotion made him want to take a step back. Taking his hand back he did so, realizing that she loved this ship as much as he did.

"Oh, lass." Scotty tugged her into a bone crushing hug. Apparently, all the other engineers had said goodbye earlier because there was no way in hell everybody could fit into the Transporter Room to send her off. Of course, Keenser stayed by Scotty's side for support.

"Mr. Scott," she tried to draw back.

"Shh," he told her.

"Mr. Scott, she'll miss her ride," Kirk gently said. Keenser blinked in affirmation.

Sniffling, he stepped back and moved towards the consul.

"Um, Captain Kirk." Jim turned back to her. She held just one bag in her hands, gripping it tightly. "You could be her Gilbert Blythe."

He swallowed.

"Do you understand what I'm saying?" she asked.

He nodded his head. "I think I do," he said softly. She tried to smile back, but her chin wobbled as she stepped up on the Transporter Pad. Then she was gone, successfully beamed onto the other ship and Jim let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. Just as he had earlier he stared at the now blank space, where somebody had used to be.

Kirk finally had to admit that the five-year mission was not what he thought it would be.

* * *

*How was it? I love knowing all of your thoughts and feedback. It really helps!


	17. Chapter 17

**Super Important Author's Note!-** Shortly after posting the first chapter of this story, I had it completely written out with a total of seventeen chapters. But I received a lot of reviews asking or wondering about Ambassador Spock and Mattie's relationship. Wanting to answer those thoughts and questions, I decided to go in and add a section on how Spock became friends with all the special engineers. I wasn't expecting it to, but it came out more as a prologue, so it contains a lot more of Mattie's Starfleet background and it also nicely explains more of who Rose Cavalier is and her role in Mattie's life. I hope you guys enjoy it, I'm honestly very nervous about it, but here goes.

And remember! As it was added later, **this chapter does not follow the main story's chronology**! Please, keep that in mind for this chapter and the next!

* * *

 **Let's Return to the Beginning—Something of a Prelude**

San Francisco, Earth—2259.34 … (Approximately 5 months and six days before Khan's attack)

Spock breathed in and out, the measured movement flowing through his body. His hands were clasped behind his back and his shoulders broad and strong. He was reminded, and not for the first time, that he was now an old man.

Yet, he was living in a young world.

A world that he had already once grown up in.

Spock Prime looked out the window, his dark eyes raking the San Francisco skyline as he patiently waited for the next available elevator.

He tried to limit his time at Headquarters, not because he did not have great loyalty and admiration for Starfleet still, but because he tried to limit his presence. The Headquarters were now meant to belong to another young half-Vulcan. Spock firmly believed he should now leave the territory to his younger counterpart. Let the younger Spock roam the halls of Starfleet. Let him make decisions. Let him lead his own life, wherever it may take him.

There was no doubt in his mind that the younger version of himself would end up with Jim Kirk on the _Enterprise_ , no doubt getting into trouble with the Captain while wondering why Dr. McCoy would not cease his cankerous mannerism and attitude.

A door was opened from somewhere behind him. His ears perked at the noise, not because he was trying to overhear, but the Vulcan in him was more susceptible to note such movement behind him. Somebody sniffled. He remained standing by the elevator, his eyes briefly wandering to spot a young woman standing beside him. While he did not want to appear unfriendly, he thought it better to not mention that she appeared in distress. He had learned a long time ago that humans perceived remarks such as that as rude.

The elevator doors opened and Spock Prime paused to allow the younger woman to enter before him. She pressed a button, calling for the ground floor, and as he was also headed in that direction he stepped back into the smaller lift and remained silent. She moved her head towards him, but he remained quiet. He was used to such looks. The curious glances from those that realized that he was a creature from a different timeline altogether.

She was even brave enough to ask him. "You," she paused. "You are Ambassador Spock, are you not?"

He replied simply. "Yes."

She took a sharp breath, her shoulders and chest moving. They still had close to thirty floors to go down.

"I suppose you get a lot of questions, don't you?"

"Indeed." And while he understood the curiosity of others he hoped she would not ask him anything if only so he wouldn't have to deny her request.

She fidgeted where she stood, her shoulders moving up and down uncomfortably. "My name is Rose Cavalier. Did you ever know me?"

He watched her closely. He was quite a bit taller than her and stood a foot back from where she stood. She did not turn to face him as she spoke, keeping her face forward and her voice low. She appeared to be fighting with herself, some internal conflict controlling her emotions and actions.

He immediately understood the thinly veiled question. She was trying to dig for information on the future, without being upfront about it.

"I'm afraid I cannot say," he said before sympathizing. "Actually, no. I was not privy to meeting any Rose Cavaliers from my other timeline. As I'm sure you can understand, I try not to field such questions. All fates have now changed direction after Nero's attack."

He was not sure if that brought her any comfort. She took another deep breath and then surprising him, her hand reached forward and she pulled a button to manual stop the elevator. The lift came to an abrupt halt. She swung around to face him, and the inner conflict he had perceived earlier was so clearly displayed in her large brown eyes. The emotion she conveyed caused him to take a step back he was so alarmed at her pain.

"I understand you don't like to answer questions but I have to ask," she rushed to say.

He realized quite quickly, that from the way she moved her body she was trying not to be seen by the one camera that covertly watched the passengers.

"In the other world, your world, did Admiral Marcus create weapons of mass destruction in order to start a war with the Klingons?"

Spock Prime blinked. At his delay in answering her, her nervousness became more apparent. She took a tiny step back, panicking that she had done the wrong thing.

"I thought," she mumbled to yourself. "I thought maybe you would know of him. Of John Harrison."

"Harrison," Spock repeated, his mind all the while running through what Rose Cavalier was trying to tell him. He barely recognized that he was speaking to her. "I have not heard of him."

Her brows knitted together. "What about Khan Noonien Singh?"

The reaction on Spock's face must have told her that he did. He raised his eyes to once again study her closely. Her own eyes were wide, begging him to help her.

"Khan Noonien Singh," he echoed the name, his face darkening. She continued to look at him in worry while his own mind and body were in conflict.

"I need your help," she whispered. "Can you help us?"

He titled his head to the side in wonder. "There must be a way to solve this peacefully," he reasoned.

"Not so long as Section 31 is in control."

He now understood where her desperation came from. Her life in Starfleet had become twisted, no longer meant to help the life around her, but to find ways of taking it.

She held something out to him. It dropped into his hands and he looked down at a small cube, so small it fit into his pocket and made his palm appear larger against the silver device.

"Take it to an empty planetoid. It must be as far away as Beta Quadrant. Nobody has noticed that it is missing because it's been in my possession for three months. You can tell no one. _No one_. It's an incomplete prototype, but it might help you understand what we've done."

She broke off at the words. What we've done…

The elevator began to work again, somebody overriding the controls. Her brow raised and she took a step back. "You must tell them why it stopped," she said and he understood just how closely she was being watched.

The doors opened to show a serviceman, a tool belt at his waist, whose head swiveled back and forth to look at the pair. He did not seem overly worried, more just curious as to the delay behind the elevator working.

"Just a glitch," Spock Prime answered the unspoken question. The man, with a shock of red hair beneath a ball cap, simply nodded. When Spock turned back to where Rose Cavalier had been, he found that she was gone.

* * *

A Planetoid in the Beta Quadrant

It was a bare planetoid, within distance from New Vulcan. For days now he had looked at the small silver cube that Rose Cavalier had dropped into his palm. Immediately upon his return to his new home planet, he had made preparations to travel to the planetoid. He was not sure what to do with the cube. Once more he pulled it out of his pocket and wondered what it was and how it worked.

Still not knowing what to do with it, something inside of him, perhaps instinct, allowed for his palm to tip over, the cube falling onto the rocky ground.

The ground began to rumble, and he stepped back, alarmed that he might have made the wrong choice.

And then slowly, and surely, the cube grew. A building, sleek and silver, made of the same material that the tiny cube had been, began to grow. It grew taller and wider and Spock Prime suddenly understood that the building resembled what an air hanger was like. It took less than three minutes for the entire building to materialize.

He looked in awe at it. Then his limbs moved as his own curiosity made him open a door and take a step in. It was large, massive really when one thought about how it had grown out of such a small device. He took more and more steps in, sweeping across the cool concrete floor. A lone scrap of paper was placed in the middle of the floor which he only found after several minutes of surveying the building.

He bent his tall frame to pick up the paper.

It was a design of a ship. It would appear as a scribble to others, but he understood the picture to be done in haste, making him wonder at how many blueprints Rose Cavalier was aware of and just what kind of technology Admiral Marcus had Starfleet secretly building.

He eyed the drawings of the ship.

S. 31. _Greta_

He continued to look at the paper and then he looked up. He looked back down at the coarse version of a blueprint and then he looked up again. Then he imagined the hanger filled, wall to wall, with the war-grade ships.

Admiral Marcus was not only planning on war but preparing for it.

* * *

Toronto Starfleet Hospital, Canada, Earth—2259.4 … (Approximately three months before Khan's attack)

The light was ridiculously bright as it glared down at her. Rosie wanted to smack it away.

"Does that have to be there?" she complained to herself. She'd been forced to lay back on an observation table as various doctor's examined her. It seemed like she'd been there for ages when she heard a door open.

"Can I go now?" she half pleaded, turning her head to look at the newest newcomer. She was surprised to see a Vulcan, one who was not in a doctor's uniform. Gracefully, he walked closer to the observation table before calmly beginning to speak.

"We have yet to determine the physical state that you are in," he calmly responded to her earlier question. Then he bowed his head to her. "I have been sent on behalf of Ambassador Spock."

She nearly did whack the damn light fixture. She sat up so quickly that her head swam. "Spock?" she questioned quickly, keeping her voice low. "He's… will you help us?"

The Vulcan bowed his head again, speaking in a similar low voice. "If we understand the situation correctly, our stance is that war is not something that should be provoked. However, if you may understand, New Vulcan is not in the position to directly declare that Starfleet has pursued any wrongdoing. Building new technology is not an offence in itself."

Rose nodded. "Yeah, but it is when that technology is going to be used to destroy other nations." The Vulcan cocked his head at her and she leaned in closer, feeling the need to be sneaky as she spoke. "And last week there was a leak, which is making Section 31 to crack down even harder on its security clearances, but there are sellers on the black market wondering if there are new weapons for sale. Not only do we need to be worried about Marcus and Earth, but anybody else who gets their hands on those weapons."

The Vulcan nodded. "We are prepared to offer our help in that endeavor."

Rosie sat back and studied him hard. "What's your name even?"

"Ehdock," he said, the vowels and syllables rolling out oddly. She repeated his pronunciation in her head, over and over again.

"Rose Cavalier," she introduced herself.

"I am aware," he told her. He then looked around the room. "The men outside believe me to be some sort of technician. It appears that you have spent a number of days in this hospital."

"I'm dying," Rosie stated plainly.

"You are in pain?" Eddie asked her stoically.

Rose bit her lip. "It's fine," she said softly.

The Vulcan, despite his aversion to emotions, felt compassion for the woman. Lightly taking her by her shoulder he pressed her back onto the observation table. She felt a quick prickle of fear as Ehdock began to place a needle in her vein, where one would normally take blood. She looked into his eyes alarmed, but then he squeezed her hand and a warmth of understanding flooded her. Not fighting it, her body relaxed as she turned to see Ehdock push a serum into her vein.

Rosie's eyelids grew heavy. Her body hummed a bit and her muscles didn't feel so bad anymore. The drug worked scarily well. She swallowed back the fear that had become a constant low-ying trait. She opened her eyes and looked at the young Vulcan.

He met her stare and she hesitantly wondered if his brow was creased in worry. "It was easy for us to find your medical file. Ambassador Spock has a few contacts he made use of. You are suffering from what appears to be radiation poisoning?"

Rose stared at him, her body feeling so different under the use of the serum. God, that stuff was good, whatever it was.

"It's not exactly like we've been working with safe material," she tried to quip. Then she softly spoke, "Look in my pocket."

The Vulcan was taken aback slightly. She motioned for him to reach into her front jean pocket. He pulled out a small silver cube and looked at her in confusion.

"It has everything," she said gravely. "Every single completed weapon, or blueprint for any other prototypes. It's all in that," she said while glancing at the small device. It looked like it couldn't possibly fit anything in it. But that was the point. Any Admiral or Starfleet officer would have a hanger equipped with ships and weapons and it could fit in their pocket until they found the perfect spot to set up shop, anywhere they wanted to.

"Take it," she whispered, her voice strange because of the drug. "And Ehdock." He waited expectantly. "When I leave this room…I can't go back. To Earth, Starfleet."

He looked down at his hand and understood. She had given him a classified device. She was now a traitor to Starfleet, so long as Admiral Marcus was in control.

He met her eyes. "We have a shuttle waiting."

* * *

Starbase 11, Delta Quadrant—2259.45

"Mattie, you're not seriously jumping on the bed," Rosie raised an eyebrow from where she was sitting, on the floor leaned up against the wall.

Mattie stopped jumping. "Why not? It's a really nice bed."

"Exactly," Rosie laughed. "You don't jump on beds that are nice. Besides, it's weird."

"No, it's not," Mattie started to jump again. "It's not every day that somebody puts you up in a nice room with a cushy bed that has lots of springy jump to it."

Rosie watched the other woman take small jumps on the bed. She was maybe one of the few that would ever consider a bed at a shitty Starbase hotel nice. They each had their own rooms but were currently sitting in Suzy's.

Suzy Sesay's face was blank before she stood up, from where she'd been sitting beside Rose and unexpectedly joined Mattie on the bed. Rosie watched in genuine surprise and amusement as they jumped on the bed. It was a moment that couldn't be explained. Why were they jumping on the bed? Why were they acting like now was an appropriate time to not worry about the fact that Admiral Marcus wanted them dead?

Because now was a rare moment of silly fun, that couldn't be taken away if they didn't let it.

Rose joined them on the bed.

"It's springy," Mattie said again.

"It's springy," Rosie agreed.

Suzy was the first to sit down on the bed, clutching her side from laughing so hard.

Rose sank beside her, catching her breath. "Where did Eddie get to?"

"Meditating," Suzy told her.

"You still have it?" Rosie asked.

Suzy rolled off the bed and rummaged around her room for a moment. She brought her palm up, flat, where she held the small cube, the product of some of the most dangerous technology that currently existed.

The girls automatically held their breath as they looked at it.

"What are we gong to do with it?" Mattie's eyes were wide and solemn as she asked.

"Eddie said that he would keep it," Suzy said. "But if he gets called back to New Vulcan, then Starfleet could force him to hand it over. Then who knows what would happen to it. It'd be a diplomatic SNAFU."

Rosie picked the cube off of Suzy's palm. It was so solid and compact in her hand as she raised it to eye level and studied it as if she hadn't seen it thousands of times.

"We have to keep it," Rosie said. She lowered the cube so she could see the girls. "I don't want Eddie to ever get in trouble." Rosie took a deep breath as she stared at her two friends. "This can't ever get in the wrong hands," she held the cube up. "It doesn't belong in anybody's hands. That's why we have to destroy it. We can't even trust Starfleet to have it. Not if there are others like Admiral Marcus."

His name brought a grim hush around the girls.

"We can't trust Raymond anymore," Rosie referred to her direct superior. "And the Vulcan's can only offer us so much protection. If you want out, then,-."

"There's no out," Mattie said bluntly. Her dark blue eyes were unmoving as she stared at Rosie, who's breath caught. "Not so long as we have knowledge of that," her eyes flicked to the cube. "As long as we're here, and that's here, then Admiral Marcus lives on and we can help others create weapons of war."

"We stick to the plan," Suzy cut in. "We destroy the cube and then disappear ourselves."

"Nobody will ever know," Rosie finished for her. Nobody would ever know what they'd done…or what they could do.

* * *

Planetoid, Delta Quadrant

"This is going to work right?" Rosie asked Eddie. She'd increasingly become a more anxious person the past few years, and the symptoms were clearly evident today.

The Vulcan held a PADD in his hand as he typed in the code. "The destructive device-."

"The bomb," Rosie interrupted.

He ignored her. "Is set to explode with an unusually high level of impact. The chances of successfully destroying the cube would be high if it were not for the failure of previous attempts."

"Well aren't you just a bright ray of sunshine," Rosie griped.

The Vulcan blinked at her. "I was merely answering your question."

Rosie bit back many responses and instead grabbed the PADD out of his hands. "You used all the incendiary devices?"

"Yes."

Rose's breath caught. "Alright." It's not like she didn't want a great big giant boom. It was exactly what she wanted. She just also wanted it to finally work and destroy what they referred to as the 'cube'. She thrust the PADD back in Eddie's hands. "You do it."

"I'll do it." Suzy tried to grab the PADD, relishing the idea of getting to blow something up.

Eddie, at this point, well acquainted with Suzy's ardent love of incendiary devices kept the PADD in his hands. With his normal calmness, Eddie took the PADD, lifted up his forefinger and pressed the giant red button that began the countdown for the bomb to detonate.

They watched in silence and each grimaced at the feeling of the planetoid's ground shaking from the fierce explosion. Still unsafe to approach the site of the explosion Mattie took out a pair of binoculars to see if it had worked.

The cube stood exactly as it had been—unscathed despite the explosive fire.

"Shit," Suzy said.

"Shit," Rosie replied.

"We'll keep trying," Mattie resolved. Eddie nodded his head at the statement but noticed the droop of Rosie's shoulders.

* * *

Starbase 11, Delta Quadrant—2259.52 … (Approximately three days before Khan's attack)

"What's going?" Rosie rushed to say. She swayed on her feet as opened her door, the light from the hallway making her squint. She was pretty sure her words were a mumbled mess and panic rose in her chest as she properly examined her friend in front of her.

Suzy's chest moved up and down, her breathing heavy. "Mattie's gone."

Rosie stuttered, "Wha'?"

"She's gone," Suzy stated again. There was no way of truly describing her voice—it was panicked, calm, strong, full of emotion. She stood straight, her brow creased, her eyes wide.

"What the hell do you mean she's gone?" Rosie asked now that she was more awake than she had been before. "Where the hell is she? Is Marcus here?"

Suzy gravely shook her head. "It was him," she whispered and Rosie's stomach dropped. "It was Harrison."

"Get Eddie," Rosie commanded. She ran back into her room, grabbing a pair of jeans and tugging them on. Her movements were rushed as she tried to grab at what she thought she might need.

"He left for New Vulcan three hours ago," Suzy reminded her.

"God dammit!" she cried out in frustration as she tried to find her communicator device. It was the only secure line that they had and one of the only ways of getting in touch with their Vulcan allies.

"Rose."

Rosie was pawing through a bag trying to find it.

"Rose."

"What?"

"They have the cube."

She froze, her hands at a standstill as her mind processed what had just been said. Slowly, she turned around.

"Excuse me?" she asked, not quite believing what Suzy had just said. For a second she lost her mind. She didn't know what to do. Then, Rose Cavalier forced herself to take action. "Call Eddie, tell them an attack is imminent."

"What are you going to do?" Suzy asked in return as her friend walked around her to the other side of the room. She opened up a laptop screen.

"I'm going to trace her whereabouts."

"Do you have a tracking device on her?"

"On all of us," Rose said, glancing up to meet Suzy's questioning look. "Eddie suggested we somehow be able to track each other if something like this happened. If an SI agent or Marcus were to find us. I just never imagined it would be Khan finding us first."

"Well, we know what he's capable of," Suzy replied.

Rosie's jaw clenched. Yes, they knew exactly what he was capable of.

Coordinates popped up on the computer screen. She memorized them immediately, grabbed a jacket, and slipped her communicator into her pocket, and then turned to Suzy.

"Let's go."

* * *

When they found her she was bleeding. She was in the middle of the hanger, the cube having been deployed, and her body slumped against a sitting spaceship.

"He left it all behind," Suzy whispered to Rosie as they searched for their friend. "He left it all behind."

"He doesn't give a damn about the technology," Rosie whispered back. They were cautious in case anybody else was in the building. "As long as he has his crew, that's all he really wanted."

"And Mattie?" Suzy prompted. "What about her?"

The question would have made Rose stop if they hadn't been in such a desperate situation. "I guess even evil genius' have favorites," she grumbled, her jaw clenching again.

"There," Suzy yelled out, being the first to spot the body.

Shit, ran through Rosie's head continuously as they both ran to her. Blood coated her body, the floor stained by a puddle of it. Hair fell across her face, which was grey and unmoving. Something swelled inside Rosie. She choked back the sob she felt and let it be replaced by anger.

Suzy assessed Mattie, feeling for a pulse.

"It's weak," she said to Rosie. "What do we do?"

"We have to get to New Vulcan."

"She needs medical help now," Suzy stated the obvious. "And a med kit isn't going to cut it."

"I can help."

Rosie's head picked up in surprise.

"Did you…" she broke off. Suzy had the exact same reaction to the unfamiliar voice.

They bounced back at the sudden sight of Mattie's body being energized.

A strangled cry flew out of Suzy's mouth as she tried to grab the young woman when her own body was suddenly being energized.

When they felt their body hitting something solid, they both tried to understand what was happening as quickly as they could. Looking every which way, Rosie was suddenly frozen in shock as her eyes widened.

"I can help," the same voice said again. Suzy's mouth hung open.

"You're…" Rosie had trouble saying it.

"You're," Suzy tried as well.

"Greta," the artificial intelligence finished for them.

Rosie stood up, her legs shaking as she looked at the figure in front of them.

"I'm Greta," the figure introduced. She was as tall as Rosie, her hair was colorless, hues changing under certain lights. Her face was kind, if not blank. She looked…so real, so human…so not like how a computerized intelligence system normally looked like.

The ship, a compact flying saucer, rocked slightly and Rosie looked to her right, out a window, realizing they were now traveling in deep space. Suzy ran to the window, looking out into the darkness.

"What did you do?" Rosie asked, bending down beside Mattie. She was on her back, her face now deathly pale. Except the blood was no longer flowing from her and there was an odd sheen to her skin. Rosie took in the entire sight. "You're healing her?" she looked at Greta.

"She would die if I don't," Greta reasoned.

"But how?"

"The warp," Greta tried to explain.

Suzy and Rosie looked at her in confusion.

Greta, almost childlike in her mannerism despite being the size of an adult, cocked her head at them, just as confused by their confusion. She looked at the women in front of her, very seriously and then as if she had made up her mind she began to speak gravely.

"I'm not going to be used."

Rose and Suzy didn't know how to respond.

"I will not be used," she stated again, her voice commanding. "I know that that's why you created me. You're all very clever."

She gave a pointed look at Mattie, who had created almost every feature of the spacecraft.

"I'm the only warp core in Starfleet that doesn't need to sustain myself on dilithium crystals," Greta said. "Though I have to admit, I do not agree with the reasoning. I will not be used for war."

Suzy raised an eyebrow, incredibly impressed.

Suddenly from the window a bright flash of red and orange, an explosion could be seen. It made both girls run to the window.

"You destroyed it all!" Suzy yelled, relief in her voice. They had spent months trying to destroy the damn thing.

"You created it in a way so that it could not easily be destroyed," Greta said.

Rosie nodded slowly. "Yeah," she turned from the window to Greta. The irony almost knocked her off her feet. Of course, only Greta would be able to destroy the cube.

"Shall I take you to New Vulcan?" Greta asked politely. "I am much obliged to help you, after all, you did create me."

"You know us?" Rosie asked in a hushed voice.

"Of course," Greta wrinkled her nose. "Rose Cavalier, Suzy Sesay, Mattie Hanson."

"But all this time?" Rosie asked. "You've what? Been listening in?"

"Yes," she said with no shame.

Rose wasn't sure what to think.

"Marcus and John Harrison?" Suzy asked.

Greta's face changed slightly. "I don't care for them, no. I won't be used."

Suzy nodded. "Yeah, so you've said."

"What will you do then?" Rosie asked nervously.

Greta stared at her. "I don't know." Seeing Rosie's unsatisfied face she continued. "I suppose I'll do what all Starfleet ships are meant to do…explore."

* * *

New Vulcan—The Day of Khan's Attack

"She should be awake by now," Rosie said. She was leaned up against the door frame that peeked into Mattie's hospital room.

"It remains unclear as to how her body will respond to the energy transference that S. 31 _Greta_ healed her with."

Rosie nearly jumped out of her skin. She looked over her shoulder startled.

"Ambassador Spock. I didn't realize you were there."

He looked at her kindly. "I'm sorry to intrude.

"No," Rosie shook her head fast. "No, I just didn't realize you had crept up on me. I'm glad to see you."

"I wished to have come sooner," Spock Prime admitted. "I was in conference, as Edhock might have informed you."

Rosie hesitated. "And that conference…it was about us, wasn't it?"

He remained calm as he studied her. "It was. You need not worry. We are willing to offer as much protection as we can."

She wasn't sure if she could feel relief, her body was so tired. But some of the tension in her muscles seemed to give at his words.

"I won't ever be able to thank you," she whispered.

He looked at her solemnly. "Have you heard the news?"

She nodded, not quite able to meet his eyes. "The hospital staff hasn't been able to stop speaking of it."

"The _Enterprise_ has crashed into San Francisco."

"San Francisco?" Rosie said sharply. "The only thing I'd heard was that Khan had attacked HQ, and the Kelvin Archive, but nobody mentioned the _Enterprise_."

"It appears the _Enterprise_ was in pursuit of Khan."

"Has he been captured?"

He nodded and another wave of emotion coursed through her.

"It could have been worse," Spock softly spoke.

She looked at Mattie. "Yeah," she replied just as softly, anger evident in her voice. "It could have been worse."

* * *

"Hello."

Oscar rose up from his seat, woken up by the noise. His hand went instantly to his beanie, rearranging it on his bed of curls.

"Do you know how fucking long we've been waiting for you?" Oscar nearly shouted. It startled Suzy, making her rouse from where she was sleeping on a couch.

"Are you kidding me?" Suzy shouted, only it came out more as 'Ah yu kiddin' meh?' in her sleepy voice. She nearly threw herself at Mattie, only to remember at the last second that she had been shot and most likely did not need a body thrown at her.

"Crap," Rosie said as she came into the room. She had a cup of coffee in her hands. She looked around the room. "I go out for ten seconds and she wakes up! Seriously."

"You should have done it sooner," Oscar chided.

"What are you guys doing here?" Mattie asked, her voice was strong but soft. Oscar scooted closer to her and Suzy sat at the end of her bed. She knew that a Vulcan doctor would come in and shoo them away at any minute.

"You mean, what are we doing here?" Suzy asked instead. "You might notice that we're not exactly on Earth."

Mattie began to take in her surroundings.

"New Vulcan," Rosie explained.

"And?" she questioned.

"Destroyed," Rosie answered.

"All except one," Suzy said, reaching out to grab Mattie's hand.

"Apparently," Rosie started, but she wasn't sure what to really say. "You are even better at building spaceships than you thought."

"What do you mean?"

"Greta is alive," Suzy said making Mattie's brow furrow in confusion. "Like alive, alive."

Mattie still wasn't sure. "I heard her voice, I think?" she looked at her friends.

Rosie nodded. "The AI interface is even better than we could have imagined," she said, sitting down on the end of the bed, opposite of Suzy. "She's so lifelike."

"You can literally touch her," Suzy added. "She looks, feels, acts, all like an actual human being. She's not just some self-operational spaceship. You literally created a human inside a spaceship."

"What happened to her?" Mattie asked, her face portraying how much she wanted the ship to be okay. Rosie suddenly started to understand where Greta's mannerisms came from.

"She's off exploring," Suzy supplied.

"But not before she destroyed the cube," Rosie added.

A Vulcan came to stand in the doorway, coolly looking over the room, silently telling all the non-patients to leave.

Oscar was the first to jump up, but Rosie and Suzy lingered at the doorway. They heard the doctor asking Mattie a few questions, trying to determine her mental state and they turned to leave the room. Then she asked Mattie what the last thing she remembered was. Rosie and Suzy stopped, looking back to watch the young woman.

"I was with Khan," Mattie said quietly, her voice small as she spoke with the Vulcan stranger. The doctor asked another question that they couldn't hear. "No, he just wanted use of the cube."

Rosie and Suzy looked at each other.

 _Don't tell her._

They both silently passed through the doorway.

* * *

It was silent as he passed through the hallways of the hospital. It was dark as the hour was late. A few of the staff curtly nodded at him in greeting. He stopped at a certain room but was surprised to find it empty.

Curious, Spock stepped forward unsure of where Mattie Hanson might be. It was only then that he realized his mistake as the figure of a young woman jumped up, appearing in sight. She had been hidden from view, crouched down behind the bed. She had yet to notice him, focusing instead on working with a socket, plug and several of the various technical equipment in the room.

"Oh," she uttered when she realized somebody else was in the room. At first, she thought she had been caught by one of the medical staff. The Vulcans had already made their opinion on her tendencies of fixing things—i.e. they disliked it. While she was always gracious for their medical help, they found it irritating that she would not allow her body to rest. They chalked it up to her human emotions being too willful.

"I'm sorry for the intrusion," Spock told her. "Admittedly, I believed you would be resting. I was hoping that Ms. Cavalier would be available to speak. Edhock told me earlier that she has been spending most of her time here at the hospital."

The woman nodded, tugging a wisp of hair off her forehead. She was wearing soft clothes, sweatpants and a shirt, having finally been permitted to wear anything other than the original hospital gown assigned to her. She was young, that was the first thing Spock noticed about her. She was also…curious. She had a natural penchant to look around her and wonder at it all.

"Oscar made Rosie go rest in her own room," Mattie helpfully supplied to Spock. He nodded once to show that he understood.

"I have not had the honor of meeting you yet," he began to say.

"You're Spock aren't you?" Mattie interrupted. He nodded again and she leaned her head to the side in thought. "Rosie said that you found my blueprint. In the unfinished prototype that she gave you."

Spock stared at her. "You were the creator of the spaceship?"

She nodded. "Greta."

Even more fascinating. "I have been hearing some rather tall tales in regard to this ship."

Mattie looked away and he wondered if he had made a misstep. He tried to change the subject when she floored him.

"I can't sleep," she announced. "Because there's a pain in my arm." She clutched at her inner forearm. "I don't know what it is. Perhaps a muscle spasm, but it doesn't quite burn, but then it does."

She spoke too quickly for him to get a word in, leaving him perplexed as every worry and fear about the pain in her arm tumbled from her mouth.

"What if it has to be cut off?" she abruptly asked.

He tried to understand what she was saying.

"I don't think it'll have to be cut off," Mattie said to herself, shaking her head. She turned around and began to pace along the far wall, fidgeting with a medical monitor. "What does this word mean?" she asked, looking back at Spock.

He walked closer. She ran a thumb over a Vulcan word, which labeled the medical equipment. It was part of the serial code, registering the equipment. He explained it to her.

"But this one?" she pointed to another word.

He translated it for her and she repeated the word. He noted that he had only ever met one other human who so quickly grasped the Vulcan language, the one Nyota Uhura. But Mattie Hanson also had a knack for the words. They seemed to translate before her, her mind unlocking them like they were a code to be transcribed. At one point he noticed when a nurse came in and greeted Spock in Vulcan she carefully studied the interaction, picking up the words. He resolved to help her cultivate her language skills, if only so she would have something to do while staying in the hospital. It was quickly apparent to everybody in the New Vulcan hospital, that Mattie Hanson must have another activity to do, least her mind whirl which in turn made her work furiously on any gadget in sight.

He brought that up upon another visit. She simply replied that her mind could not stop working. Then she looked at him quite seriously.

"Mr. Spock," she began slowly, her accent coating the words. "Do you meditate like other Vulcans."

"Yes," he replied.

"Does that help you?"

"Yes," he replied again. "I find comfort in it."

She rolled over the statement. "Will you teach me?"

His eyes softened at the young woman. "Yes," he replied. "If it would bring you comfort."

* * *

New Vulcan—2260

"It is fascinating," Spock spoke. He walked with Rose Cavalier, passing a monument in remembrance for the now destroyed Vulcan. "What will you do now?"

"I don't know," Rosie answered honestly. "I need to make sure that Su and Mats are alright."

They stopped briefly to ponder at the memorial. Then they began to walk again.

"I have heard that there is no lasting damage to Mattie Hanson," Spock said. "Or yourself," he added, looking over at Rosie. "You've made a miraculous recovery. You have no lingering symptoms nor do your scans bring up any more anomalies."

Rosie was silent for a moment. "Greta is a miracle worker."

"Fascinating," Spock said to himself. "I can hardly imagine such a ship."

The remark made Rosie frown. She looked up at Spock. He was becoming quite the confidant to her. "You know Mattie built her."

"Yes, she did tell me. She seemed saddened that she was not of sound body and mind to meet her creation."

Rose remained silent on that comment. She didn't like thinking about Greta that often. It wasn't that she didn't realize how amazing and skillful the ship was, it was just that it served as a reminder that Starfleet had overstepped their boundaries to produce the technology, no matter how amazing the ship had turned out to be.

"She created nearly half of the things in that hanger, the cube you know. I mean Suzy is skilled as well, but Mattie…." She lingered off, not even having the words to describe Mattie's brilliance.

"And you are worried because?"

"You know our original plan was to disappear," she said as she watched the skyline. They had paused once more to take in their surroundings. "We thought as long as we stuck around we were going to be used by Starfleet, used to create whatever the hell they wanted."

"Have you not been in talks with Starfleet Command this week?"

Rosie nodded. Starfleet had tracked down their location. She had been the only engineer to speak to them, and while they assured her that they were just cleaning up Admiral Marcus's mess and that they would not be held accountable for anything, she couldn't help but be suspicious.

"They're not going to let her go," she thought out loud. Spock listened carefully. "With a mind like hers. It's too brilliant. They'd be worried an enemy of Starfleet or even the Federation would get a hold of her. They'll do whatever they can to keep Mattie Hanson in their ranks. Better to have her themselves than somebody else."

"And this worries you?"

"I don't want her to continue to be used by SI," Rosie said, looking at him with a serious expression on her face. "To be cooped up in a lab or some hanger somewhere. I want her to have a life. A real life, one of her own."

Spock did not speak for some time. He took her words, and her worries and concerns, and thought deeply about them.

"I find your sentiment quite agreeable," he admitted. "I would only like to see Mattie Hanson live a life in which she can find peace. I think many others would also agree. I have only heard the best of words about her. _In all my life_ ," he emphasized the last phrase heavily. "I have only heard one other human praised so much for their talents. _He too_ , brought life to a ship."

Rosie titled her head at his words, searching his face.

"Perhaps it is wise to admit that Starfleet will do everything it can to ensure that Mattie Hanson remains in their reach. But that is not to say that you cannot play that game yourself. There are many areas, many assignments, that I have no doubt could be filled by Ms. Hanson."

He began to move again, his legs allowing for naturally long strides. He spoke over his shoulder and what he said made Rosie think long and hard.

"I hear that the _Enterprise_ has begun to fill all crew positions for their upcoming five-year mission." He jokingly added, "I would be happy to provide a reference, if need be."

* * *

*Was that any good? I at least hope it satisfied any interest on Spock Prime and Mattie's friendship. It was nerve-wracking to write, so leave me some feedback! If anything, it will motivate me to get the final chapter up!


	18. Chapter 18

**Reminder-** This chapter takes place after Chapter 16!

 **Happy Valentine's Day!**

* * *

 **Chapter Seventeen: Don't Worry—We're the Enterprise, We Always Keep Fighting**

6 Months Later

All of the _Enterprise's_ beloved Bridge crewmembers had survived. The same thing could not be said for Engineering.

John dimly said that there was a surprise birthday part for Captain Kirk. Other than Scotty and Keenser none of the engineers had been invited. It wasn't Captain Kirk's fault for the oversight. It was just how things were sometimes.

So while Captain Kirk and his Bridge celebrated another year of his life, a continuation of the mission and a rebirth of the ship, Engineering sat around a round corner table in the back of low-lit bar mourning the loss of their fellow mates. Mourning the loss of Lieutenant Kyla Rixson. The Assistant Chief Engineer that had loved them all so much, only ever showing it with a sassy attitude and an order to get back to work.

She had died, being taken by Krall, in the hopes that her death would save some of her engineers. It had, but still so many had been lost.

So while Kirk, McCoy, Spock, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Scotty, and Keenser all looked up whimsically at the newly constructed _Enterprise_ -A, feeling a sense of renewed purpose and duty, the engineers bleakly looked down at the glasses of hard liquor in their hands.

Abigail, Milo, John. They'd all survived.

Nov, Emily, Louis, Jack, Andy, Jesse, Laurence, Till, Michael, K'kina, and so many others had not.

Sure, there were still more engineers that had survived, it hadn't been as bad as Khan's attack, but the pain was still felt acutely.

So while Captain Kirk was working through his growing pains, and Dr. McCoy was looking up at another tin can and once again thinking about that one person he couldn't completely let go of, the engineers were grimly preparing themselves for another day in the life of Starfleet.

* * *

Abigail leaned back in her chair in shock. She was oddly aware of how still everything felt as she looked across the desk at Scotty. The desk he sat behind was too large for the small office it was shoved in, but it didn't matter because Scotty was hardly in it. He was normally off tinkering with something, just waiting out those last few weeks until they could finally christen the _Enterprise_ -A and get back to it in space.

The ship's only near-completion at Yorktown had meant that the surviving crew was able to return back to Earth and spend much needed time with family that they had believed they might not ever see again. To many of the commanding officers, it had also meant desk duty while they too waited patiently for the mission to reassume. It was only a week or two away, now just waiting for Captain Kirk to go around shaking hands with Admirals and figuring out which boring diplomatic duties he could get out of and finally get back up to that final frontier.

The Engineering Department had been shaken up, new cadets and crewmembers having to fill the large void that Altamid had left. There was one rather large role still left to fill, and Mr. Scott had certainly taken his time to do so.

"You want," Abigail carefully repeated, wanting to make sure she had heard correctly. "Me to be the new Assistant Chief."

Scotty wearing a very serious expression, shook his head in confirmation.

"But Mr. Scott," she instantly started. "It shouldn't be me!"

"I've given it a great thought, Abigail," he assured her.

She shook her head anyway. "I can't be the most qualified candidate. Rolly has been section head longer than I have. Then there are outside applicants to consider."

"I've considered them all," Scotty said. "And I want you."

She was flattered, really she was, but she was also apprehensive. Maybe she had wanted this when she was younger, but she had now spent many years in space and she knew that it wasn't an easy job. In fact, it would probably be the most aggravating thing in her life if she took him up on the offer. She had grown in a lot of ways on the Enterprise, but she wasn't sure if she had grown enough for this. Sometimes she'd catch herself in the mirror and think about that petty blonde girl who used to do her nails every night even though they'd just get messed up during her next shift. There was a time when she thought she had to be good in every single way and act like it too. So she'd done the perfectly manicured hair and makeup and been ruthless to be the best during her time at the Academy. She thought it had paid off, getting a job on the flagship and quickly pushing herself to become a section head.

Being a leader wasn't always a natural fit though. It involved a finesse and sometimes a gentle touch. Rixson could yell at her engineers because they knew that she cared. Abigail was known to yell because at times she was frankly just a bitch. She hoped that she was breaking out of that mold and she honestly had. But the self-doubt that she was still just that posh, stuck-up teenager lingered and even if that wasn't there, the pressure of picking up the mantel after Rixson's death was insane.

"Mr. Scott, I can't," she voiced.

"Ya can," he countered.

She still shook her head wildly.

"Lass," he explained gently. "I know ya can do it."

"Why would you even think that?"

"Because you push people to perform their best."

"Are you kidding me! I do the exact opposite."

He chuckled. "You don't actually. You're just doubting yourself. You come across hard, Abigail, but there's ah softness to ya. You can push people ta perform past what they think they can do. You know what ta say ta them, when they need it, whether they're having a good day or bad. So, why don't ya stop with all this fuss and jus' say you'll do it!"

"Mr. Scott," she hesitated. "You know…it should be Milo doing this."

His face softened. "I already offered," he admitted. "He turned it down."

For once, Abigail was okay coming in second place. Milo had been on the _Enterprise_ before Abigail and it was no secret that he continually passed down promotions much to Scotty and Starfleet's displeasure. There were even rumors that he had been Scotty's first pick before he settled in with Rixson. It would have been rightful for Milo to take the position, but it wasn't unexpected that he once again turned it down.

"Lassie?" he asked, a little bit of hope on his face as he asked her.

Despite her hesitation, she found herself nodding, agreeing to the insanity of being the new Assistant Chief Engineer.

* * *

Almost immediately, Abigail regretted her decision.

"This blows," she angrily said under her breath, shoving a PADD back on a shelf.

"What's going on with you?"

She turned around to spot Milo standing in the doorway. They were just two days away from the launch of the newly built _Enterprise_ and more of their crew was beginning to congregate around Starfleet Headquarters in San Francisco.

"Two days," she informed him. Of course, he knew how many days he had left on Earth. In frustration, she threw another PADD down on Scotty's desk, not that it was really his desk. No, he had gone off gallivanting, something he was rather oft to do, meaning that Abigail was the one to make use of the desk most of the time. "We have two days till we leave and our roster should be complete."

"It's not?" Milo asked in concern.

"It's not!" She flung some random object off the desk.

"Okay, okay." Milo eased into a chair and gestured for her to take a breather. "Why exactly has our roster not been completed?"

"Because," Abigail said sassily. "Scotty can't make up his damn mind about which engineers he wants!"

"What?" Milo doubted that.

"Oh, yeah," Abigail was serious. "And since Scotty has spent more time tracking down a vintage bottle of Scotch, I've been dealing with passive aggressive messages from Commander Spock requesting the roster for final approval."

"Section B's all filled up," Milo mused. "How many are we lacking?"

Abigail hung her head, a deep sigh emitting from her. "We don't have a warp core specialist."

Milo made a face. "Now things make a lot more sense."

She let her head sink back down, using her hands for a pillow on the desk.

"What are you going to do?" Milo asked after a minute.

"Tell Scotty to take that vintage bottle of scotch and shove it up his arse." The words came out muffled, her face still smashed into the desk.

Milo bit back a smile. It was fun to see Abigail, usually so polished and poised, in full meltdown mode. She was going to have a hell of a time with Scotty these next two years.

"No, seriously. Are you going to make Scotty pick somebody or are you just going to do it for him?"

Abigail picked her head off the desk. "I would—if the applicants weren't so bloody useless."

Milo picked up a PADD that was close to Abigail's head. "Are these them?"

"Mhhhm."

He flicked through them. "This one has a doctorate and twelve years experience."

"He's a wanker though."

"Know that for a fact?"

"A gut instinct."

"What about Lieutenant Richards? She even comes recommended by Mr. Spock."

She looked up at him appalled. "Do we really want some engineer that's recommended by Mr. Spock as our warp core specialist?"

"Technically Williams can act as a warp core specialist, plus you have Scotty," Milo reasoned, making Abigail huff and throw her head back down.

"This is so stupid," Abigail said after three minutes of pitying despair. "Nobody wants to pick a new warp core specialist when we had one that was working just fine. I mean did you see how Williams handled that shoddy antimatter reaction right before Altamid? Fucking stupid. And he takes ages to finish his work. Scotty just keeps him around because he helps with his distillery."

Milo made a funny face. "I mean, we've all benefitted from that distillery so I don't think we could ever kick Williams out."

"Oh, shut up!"

Milo tried not to laugh. "Actually." He decided right then was the right time to approach the subject. "I've been thinking about something."

"What?" the muffled word came out.

"I was thinking…why didn't we fight harder."

Abigail picked her head up again. "What do you mean?"

"When she left," he explained, leaning back in his seat, comfortable as he talked about the topic most everybody had avoided for months now. "Why didn't we fight for her harder?"

Abigail supported herself on her elbows. "Because we're adults and she made a decision."

Milo cocked his head to the side, not sure if he was satisfied with that response.

"But," Abigail began to think. "I know what you mean. When we were being held by Krall…I kept thinking that she would have done something stupid and actually gotten us all out."

"She's kinda like Kirk in that regard. A reckless genius."

"A reckless genius," Abigail repeated. She stared down at the mocking PADD, with its long list of applicants. "We had our own little reckless genius down in Engineering."

"Good with wiring too," Milo quipped.

"Why are we doing this?" Abigail asked suddenly. "Why are trying to choose a new warp core specialist when we had a perfectly good one."

"Don't fix what's not broken," Milo challenged. Abigail tilted her head at him, smirking slightly as she started to understand that Milo had been planning this for a while.

Abruptly standing up, she asked him: "What do we do?"

"Go and get her," he replied easily, standing up as well.

"Go and get her," Abigail said, rolling the idea around. "What if she doesn't want to come?"

He shrugged. "We'll continue to annoy her until she does."

"We should get Giles," Abigail suggested. "And maybe M'Benga too."

"Call the others as well."

She nodded. "Right." She began to head to the door when she paused.

"What is it?"

She shrugged, smiling suddenly. "I've never actually been to Australia before."

"One day this'll make for a good story," Milo promised.

Pausing again in the doorway she looked up at him, perhaps even seeing him in a new light. "It will, won't it."

Grinning together, they rushed out of the tiny office and the building. She started walking towards the left, intent on gathering up the troops when she realized Milo was headed the other way.

"We'll meet up," he promised. "Just go and get them."

Something clicked. "You're going to go tell him, aren't you?"

He nodded, just a curt nod before he walked the opposite direction to find Dr. McCoy.

* * *

"This freaking, goddamn," Leonard muttered, tugging at the neck of his formal uniform. It was a pain in the ass as far as he was concerned and while he didn't exactly have a penchant for going back out into the wilds of space, he was starting to think that he might take it over all the debriefs and shaking hands with the top brass.

"Looking dapper, Bones!"

"Shut up!" he growled back.

It made Jim, stop and grin widely at the doctor. A hat was tucked under his elbow and he was dressed in a similar manner. It had been a rough morning of idle chit chat and continual 'orders' from Starfleet. As far as the Captain was concerned, they just needed to get through it before they could take his baby back out there.

Standing in the hall, outside of the meeting room they had just been in, he addressed the doctor. "Come on, some of the others are taking a break out on the South Lawn. I've had Spock save us a seat."

Still grumbling about his uniform he walked along with Jim. The air and the sun brought instant relief and Leonard for a second felt like he could breath better. Then he felt Jim's eyes, which had constantly been watching him the past eight months, once more eyeing him up.

He fucking hated it. He wasn't a damn child or a sullen teenager. He was an adult who had made a decision and was living with the consequences. He did not need his friend's sympathy or their attempts at telling him that he deserved happiness. He deserved what he got—just so long as Mattie Hanson was living a better life than him.

Was his thinking fucked up? Probably, but to him it made sense. He had given Mattie a clean slate, free from him and his inevitable fuckups. He would not be the reason she was dragged down in this world.

"Cut it out," he demanded.

"What?" Jim feigned innocence.

"Just stop it," he said and Jim pretended to stop.

He had watched his friend now for nearly a year. Leonard had tried to put his best foot forward, throwing himself into work, forcing M'Benga to always take Gamma shift and had bickered with Spock even more than usual. Yet, he'd also been overly attentive and sympathetic to others—offering advice to Jim when he really needed it, being a good friend to him, but not allowing Jim to be a good friend back. So Jim had silently watched over his friend, trying to protect him in any way while hoping that the doctor would eventually process the feelings he was having instead of just tucking them away in some deep dark place.

"Captain," Spock greeted the pair. "Dr. McCoy."

"Pointy," Leonard grunted back and dropped into a seat between Uhura and Scotty. Sulu and Chekov were throwing kernels of popcorn up into the air and trying to catch them with their mouths. It was a much more relaxed atmosphere than the morning had been as they all huddled around a circular wire table at one of the campus cafes that had outside seating.

"Scotty, I'm thinking the Corner Spot for drinks tonight," Jim informed him.

Scotty, who had been laying back in his chair sunbathing with a pair of sunglasses over his eyes, looked up slightly. "Aye? That'll do for me."

"Good." Jim rubbed his hands together, satisfied. "Then it's a plan?" He looked around the table, taking in their answers. "Spouses welcome of course," he told Sulu.

"And are you paying for the babysitter, sir?" Sulu teased.

Uhura threw a piece of popcorn at him. "Come on, splurge a little."

Sulu laughed, already admitting defeat. "Okay, okay, but only by popular demand."

"Then it's all sorted," Jim said happily, leaning back into his chair. His hat sat discarded on the table and he ran a hand through his blonde locks, quickly stealing another look at Bones. He sat blankly in his chair. There was neither anger nor happiness in his posture. That's what scared Jim the most. For almost a year now, Bones had just been lifeless. Occasional bursts were still known to erupt from the CMO, usually directed at a redshirt or a science officer (seriously, Jim had had to convene once or twice because Bones had a habit of accidently taking the name of a science officers mother in vain).

A small breeze blew across the South Lawn and Uhura's eyes closed slightly, enjoying the sensation as her wind ruffled slightly. It was peaceful, she thought, despite being aware of the sad tension surrounding the doctor. She had kept herself out of the matter though. Opening her eyes she sat up in her chair as she saw an approaching redshirt heading right towards their table. He wasn't in his uniform, but she was still able to recognize him as one of Scotty's engineers.

He marched right up to their table, his shadow and presence making everybody look up at the tall man, his dark hair and bright hazel eyes offset with a determination that rolled off him in waves.

Keenser waved at him and Scotty lifted his sunglasses up his forehead to squint at the man. He opened his mouth to greet his engineer, but the man spoke before Scotty got a word out.

"Dr. McCoy, I need to speak to you."

Leonard lifted his gaze up, confusion in his eye as he tried to place a name to the man before him.

"I'm busy go away," he said offhandedly.

Milo wasn't bothered by the response; if anything he was more spurred on it. "We can speak here or somewhere more private if you'd prefer."

"Uh, Milo mate," Scotty tried to intervene while Jim watched carefully, not ready to butt in just yet.

"What is your problem?" Leonard sighed, his arms crossed over his chest.

"I don't like you."

Even Spock's eyebrow raised.

"Excuse me?" Leonard uttered. He stood up, not about to let this bastard stand over him while running his mouth. Jim also stood, though he still made no move to intervene, letting Leonard deal with this in his own manner.

"I dislike you." Milo's words were straightforward and even toned. Leonard started to open his mouth again, but Milo cut him off. "My wife died when the _Vengeance_ rammed into Headquarters."

The table froze at the admission, eyes darting between the two, while the peaceful South Lawn presented itself as a backdrop to the tension between the pair.

"I stood in Engineering, watching nearly everyone I know die, thinking I myself was running out of time. But I thought my death would be worth it because I was fighting for other people, people like my wife, who would never have to come face to face with Khan. I never once thought, _that if I somehow survived_ , down in Engineering no less, _that she wouldn't_.

"So I don't like you, Dr. McCoy because I don't like people who have the best thing in front of them, somebody willing to love them no matter how unloved they themself feel, and are too chickenshit to do something about it."

It was too peaceful when he stopped talking. The rolling green of the lawn and the sun and the breeze such a stark contrast to the dark depths of space and the bright starlight. The wind picked up, the air cool against their skin. Leonard's mouth was hard, his breathing heavy as he and Milo competed in a stare down.

Scotty stood up, Keenser following to do so.

"Milo, mate," Scotty said again gently, trying to dispel the situation.

"Who the fuck do you think you are saying shit like that to me?" Leonard asked, his low voice dangerous.

"She was the best thing to ever happen to you," Milo stated, his conviction unwavering and his ability to poke the bear and get away with it being put to the test. "But it's not about you, Dr. McCoy. It's about her and her happiness."

His temple began to throb, his breathing too fast and his vision starting to tunnel.

"Tearing yourself away from her isn't a sign of your strength. It's a sign of how weak you are."

"You need to stop."

"Do you care about her happiness? Because if you did you would work towards being a stronger man for her."

And in the end, it was a damn redshirt that called Leonard out on his shit. To make him stop thinking that it was a matter of being incapable of love and more a matter of working towards being a better person—wanting to be a better person for the woman he loved no matter how scary that seemed.

It was about working towards that love and constantly working on it.

He looked like Spock in that moment, his face telling everyone that he was obviously going through a whirl of emotions, but not able to properly act fast enough on the matter. Milo's piercing gaze finally flitted past him and landed on Scotty.

"Mr. Scott," he said. "I wanted to inform you that you may not see much of your engineers the next few days."

Scotty's brows furrowed. "What do you mean lad? Where are you going?"

"We're going to get our fucking warp core specialist back," Abigail said, marching past the Bridge crew, trailed by almost all of the veteran engineers that knew and loved Mattie Hanson. Milo fell into line, joining the march towards the nearest transporter hub.

Keenser left Scotty's side and joined the march.

"Oi! Wait for me!" Scotty went running after his crew, his shout carrying in the wind. "Why the hell did nobody tell me about this? I'd have done this weeks ago!"

"Chekov?" Sulu questioned in surprise.

The navigator, turned back around, walking backwards. "I like Mattie Hanson," he explained. "I vant her back on ze ship!"

One by one the Bridge crew began to follow after the other members of the _Enterprise_. Spock was inclined to follow Uhura, who was in it to see all the action, meaning that Leonard was left behind with Jim.

The Captain, his friend, looked at him, tilting his head at him with an infuriatingly knowing expression. "Come on," Jim suggested.

Leonard remained frozen in his spot, unable to move, even as everything around him did.

"Bones," Jim said softly, his blue eyes showing the crystal clear meaning behind the affectionate nickname. "It's no fun to rile you up when you're too miserable to appreciate it."

Leonard just stared at him, unable to speak.

"Go get the love of your life," he said.

"Jim."

"Go," Jim said again. "And that's an order."

Fresh air filled his lungs, his shoulders no longer weighed down by something invisible. He narrowed his eyes, accepting the order, more of a challenge at this point.

"Are you shitting me?"

Leonard and Jim turned to spy M'Benga, with Giles standing behind him, shaking his head at the CMO.

"I make all these long speeches all impassioned and shit, to no prevail, and all it takes from him is: 'Go, and that's an order'. Are you saying that he has something that I don't?"

Leonard met the other doctor's eyes. "Figures, they'd call you."

M'Benga looked pleased at the words. "What can I say, they called in the big guns."

And finally, after years of working together, Leonard smiled at the man. M'Benga smiled wide in reply, nodded towards the other crewmembers and together the foursome made to catch up with the rest.

* * *

"Painting, painting, painting," Mattie sang to herself as she enjoyed smoothing the paint brush up and down. There was something so cathartic about watching the strokes of paint against the wood.

Dropping the paintbrush into the canister of black paint, causing a slight smattering of paint to land on her beloved overalls, she swiped a hand across her face, soothing a sudden itch on her nose. A smudge of black paint was left on her cheek as a result. She lifted up the piece of plywood she'd been painting and lifted it up, lining it up with the hooks she'd anchored earlier and took a step back, admiring her handiwork.

It simply said, 'Welcome to the Melbourne Shipyard' and was painted in big block letters. She had hung it up against the front entrance gate, replacing an older, faded one that had greeted visitors for the past twelve years. It was an easy task, but one she had meant to get around to for ages now.

"Looks good!" Peter gave her a thumbs up as he walked up the dusty road that led to the entrance, arriving for his shift.

The wooden sign was just one of the many quirks of the Melbourne Starfleet Shipyard. Mattie had learned to love and admire these quirks, relishing in the shipyard that was her playground.

Oscar had been exactly right when he envisioned a future that involved Mattie fixing things. The Melbourne Shipyard presented itself as an endless space for creation and innovation. She loved, _loved_ , working in the shipyard. It was no _Enterprise_ , but it was a safe place for her to heal, to overcome the loss of Leonard McCoy and finally come to terms with who she was. She was not, as John Harrison had believed, an evil genius.

She was a fixer.

And so she fixed, created, dreamed, and enjoyed her time in the shipyard.

"Oi, Hanson," her boss called out from the front office. "We got some issues over on the _Resurgence_. The science station on the Bridge is giving Timmy trouble. Go and see if you can help him out."

She nodded her head, quickly scurrying off to go help her coworker. The _Resurgence_ was a large Galaxy class ship, that they had been working on for the past four months. It had come in, almost in a giant pile of rubble after coming under fire from a non-Federation ship. Piece by piece they'd put her back together again, now working on the last final tweaks before she would be back in commission and flying around.

"Larry sent me," Mattie told Timmy. He looked up in relief.

"Thank god he sent you," Timmy said in his thick Aussie accent. He stood up from the station. "Was ready to take a hammer to this damn thing, it was driving me crazy."

Mattie bit her smile back, taking the opportunity to tease. "We're meant to be putting the ships back together, not tearing them apart."

He waved a hand, leaving the Bridge, having decided he was going to take a break. "Yeah, yeah. Maybe take a look at the Navigator's station too?"

"You're gonna owe me a drink after this!" Mattie called after him but the doors swooshed shut behind him. This was not the first time one of her coworkers had let her take control of a situation. She worked much faster than a lot of the others and was always looking to do the next thing.

Easily finishing the Science Station, she hopped across the Bridge and slid into the Navigator's seat. The feeling of sliding into the seat made her pause and look around the empty and dark Bridge (to conserve energy the overhead lights were kept off).

Sitting in the chair, she supposed that this could have been her life. She could have been up on the Bridge every day like Chekov, watching the Captain playfully banter with his friends while Spock said this and that about regulations. Looking around, she could even clearly picture what the _Enterprise_ Bridge had been like. Then she stared out the window, the white light of the sun and the Australian landscape in place instead of bright stars and everything was brought back into focus.

Palm skimming across the consul she fidgeted with the screen and smattering of buttons.

"Enter location," the screen prompted.

Mattie leaned back, not expecting the glitch. Then once again she paused, something in the back of her mind catching. She brought up a search screen and opened communication lines.

G-R-E-T-A

"Not found," the computer told her.

She shook her head at herself. What had she been expecting? Greta was a spaceship, operating itself out there in deep space. The machinery was so high functioning, it didn't even need the help of the creator, Mattie, anymore. Yet, Mattie had been thinking more and more about the ship.

Greta was the only technology from her Section 31 days that hadn't been destroyed. It was the spaceship that had helped her stay alive when Khan had left her for dead.

She opened up another communication line, routing the line to transmit to a broad area.

"Transmitting signal to deep space," the computer informed.

Mattie leaned over the consul, speaking into the computer mic. "I," she swallowed. "Greta." It felt good to say the name out loud. "If you're out there…I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you, Greta."

She ended the communication and sat back in the chair, gazing out the large window.

Yeah, things had seemed to fall into place, had started to make sense, and she'd even talked to Rose once or twice since moving back to Earth.

Carol was right when she had said that they had all had to learn how to move on, how to heal, and how to overcome their past. Khan would always be there and Mattie, Rose, and Suzy could never undo any of the choices they had made. They had worked with Admiral Marcus and John Harrison. They had created the _Vengeance_ and so many other war-grade ships that could have caused catastrophe. They would have caused catastrophe. Perhaps they had acted too late and that was the reason that so many had been killed during the year of 2259. It was the reason too many had died.

But slowly they had all learned to carry the weight of those choices and mistakes. Because in the end, it was all about learning how to heal after their ordeal. For Mattie Hanson, a big part of that healing had taken place on the _Enterprise_. The rest of it was done in the dusty little shipyard in Melbourne.

 _What about your heart, Mattie?_

It was fine, she told herself.

 _Is lovesickness really a disease?_

She shook her head. Just because she was kinda sorta (most definitely) a hypochondriac did not mean she had to make everything out to be illness related. She knew that from lots of sessions with a mental health counselor.

Hey, so she was still an anxiety ridden mess in a lot of ways. That's just who she was.

"Hey Hanson," her boss called through her communicator.

She picked up the device. "Yeah?"

"Uh," his voice was scratchy. "Ya, better get down here."

"What?"

"Just, just get down here will ya."

The line went dead and Mattie stood up, feeling all kinds of weariness in her bones. Tucking back a stray strand of hair, falling from her messy bun, she looked down at her sneakers as she walked. Normally she had on a pair of work boots, but she'd been feeling the old-school sneakers, which now had a smidgen of black paint on the white toe of them.

"Larry?" Mattie yelled out while zig-zagging through the shipyard. "Oh, hello _Expedition_ ," she greeted one of the other ships they were working on. She patted it as she walked by. The shipyard was laid out like a grid and the lot was mainly full, with ships in various states of repair or construction.

"Larry?" she called out again thinking she had caught sight of her boss. She stepped out onto one of the wider footpaths, intent on walking forward when her eyes slide to the left and she completely froze.

To her left, stood almost every single person she knew from the _Enterprise_. _Everyone_ —Scotty, Abigail, Milo, and John. Giles smiled at her and M'Benga was even brave enough to wave. Even the Bridge crew was there, with the Captain's blue eyes twinkling and Spock watching everything like it was a giant social experiment.

They just stood there, having waited patiently for her to appear. What resulted was one massive stare down as Mattie's insides turned to white hot anxiety at the sudden reappearance of her friends.

"What?" she gaped, her voice hoarse as she worked to remember how to speak. "What's going on?"

The crowd turned into itself slightly, their eyes silently talking and then Leonard McCoy was pushed out in front.

Her eyes darted around, a rush of adrenaline at the abrupt suddenness of everything. She couldn't help but let her eyes rake over Leonard. He was wearing part of his formal uniform, his coal grey pants on and his black undershirt with the silver Starfleet emblem embossed on the corner of it. He took a few steps forward, remaining silent, as she nervously stepped from side to side.

"Leonard. What," she swallowed. "What are you doing here?"

He stopped to look over his shoulder before his hazel eyes came back to hers.

"The redshirts finally yelled at me."

A nervous burst of laughter tumbled from her mouth. She quickly shut it, shaking her head at the absurdity of it all.

"Okay?" she breathed.

"We want ya ta come back ta the _Enterprise_ , lassie," Scotty voiced from behind Leonard. Her eyes flicked to the watching crowd.

"Come back?" she breathed.

"Come back," Abigail pleaded.

Mattie looked back at Leonard. "I," she started to shake her head.

"Mattie, look." He took a step forward, right in front of her, blocking her from view so that they could have as much privacy as possible in that moment. "I don't know how to properly express how sorry I am."

"I think there's a lot more to it than that," she said quietly, her dark blue eyes silently conveying how she had laid it all out on the table and he'd let her leave.

He nodded his head, frowning, as he went on. "I know," he said quickly. "I know, I…I was wrong in a lot of ways. Wrong enough to let you feel unloved when that's the exact opposite of how I feel about you. Because to me, letting you go was the only way to show you how much I love you, by not dragging you down with me."

"That's fucked up."

He groaned. "You think I don't know that?"

"Then why'd you do it?" she hissed, tears on the verge.

"Because I'm an asshole!"

"I could have told you that!"

"I know, you used to do it all the time!"

"Well, maybe I shouldn't be with an asshole."

"You shouldn't." A beat went by. "But weird, anxious people should stick together."

She stayed silent, looking up at him through her lashes. "Weird, anxious people."

He nodded.

She cleared her throat. "You came all the way to Australia to call me a weird anxious person?"

"But I called myself one too."

"You're not very good at this."

"Is this what we're going to continue to argue about?"

She gave him a searching look and he continued.

"I love you."

She didn't say anything.

"You came to my room one night, maybe four months after we first got together and you had grease on your hands and you pretty much looked exactly like you do now: overalls and messy hair, and then in the same sentence you asked me what the odds were of you getting radiation poisoning and if you could borrow a pair of sweatpants to sleep in. It's a stupid moment to realize you really care for somebody, but that's the first memory I have of thinking that I was fucking gone.

"And that fucking terrified me, because I'm not like you. I'm not fearless. I'm the old one who's chasing after idiot kids and refusing to confront emotions because emotions hurt. So I'm sorry, that it took me so long to stop being an asshole. There is no excuse for that, but if I'm going to try to be as fearless as you are—then I have to be the one to stand in front of you with my tail tucked between my legs and ask you for a second chance."

There was no proper way to describe the emotion on his face—the sincerity and the fear that etched across his face as his dark eyes didn't leave hers.

"I love you," he said again and the tears threatened even more. He leaned in impossibly close. "I love you and I'm standing here with all your engineering friends and I haven't even yelled at anyone once."

She laughed, a wet sound as her brow creased harshly.

"Maybe we should just admit that we're both really bad at this," he suggested. "The first step is admitting there's a problem and then we can work on fixing it."

Her eyes sparked at the word.

"Fix it." The words were watery as they repeated over and over in her head. "Fix it."

His forehead touched hers. "We are fixable," he whispered, stroking her hair. "I really believe that, darlin', I do."

She took a deep breath and pushed back. "Just because you're fixable doesn't mean you're not an asshole."

He took what he could get, his mouth turning up and his shoulders shaking with laughter.

"Oh, for fuck sakes! We were the ones who planned all of this!" Abigail yelled, pulling their attention to the group behind them.

Uhura was smiling brightly at the couple, a glow of happiness and peace surrounded Milo and Chekov might have actually swiped at a rogue tear.

Mattie scanned the faces of her friends and fellow engineers. They all looked so damn hopeful, but a painful truth crushed down on her. She stepped out from behind Leonard and took a few steps closer, sadness still clinging to her. She looked from Abigail and Scotty's happy faces and started to shake her head much to their dismay.

"Mr. Scott," she said, looking directly at him. "I can't come back to your ship. I'm so sorry, I just can't."

"The hell you can't!" he argued.

She shook her head sadly, her eyes grazing across her other friends' faces. "I'm…I'm not the good person or engineer you think I am. Mr. Scott," her voice broke, but she thought about how _they deserved_ to know who she really was. "I worked for John Harrison."

The words were out there, along with the truth, and while she expected disgust and anger she was only met with Scotty's kind eyes.

"I know," he said.

Her brow furrowed. "What?"

He shook his head like he didn't care. "I know."

She didn't understand.

"Mattie," he laughed. "You tore apart my ship the first day you were on it. You know more about warp cores than I even knew possible. You think I wasn't going to ask around? Aye, I had my suspicions. Don't forget I'd spent time on that ship, the _Vengeance_. I'd like to think I'm pretty smart and can put two and two together."

"But Mr. Scott," she said outraged. "If you knew…why wouldn't you say anything? Why would you want me onboard?"

He didn't seem to understand. "You're a damn good engineer, that's why, and all you've done is care about us."

Hot tears pricked at her eyes. "But I," she stumbled. "I did all those awful things."

He shook his head quickly. "No," he said firmly. "Ya were between ah rock and ah hard place as they like to say. Besides, when I voiced my suspicions ta tae Captain, he already knew so I figured the matter was sorted."

Mattie's head jerked back before quickly cutting to look at him. "Captain Kirk?" she asked in surprise.

His blue eyes were kind and compassionate as he stared back at her. "I wanted to know how you and Carol knew one another," he admitted, shrugging his shoulders.

Shock spread through her body. "So you knew this whole time?" she said looking from the Captain to Scotty. Not even bashful, Scotty grinned and also shrugged his shoulders.

"Pretty much," Kirk told her.

"Did you," she looked out at her friends. "Did you all know?"

Abigail slowly nodded and she knew from Milo and John's face that they also knew. Keenser blinked.

"I mean we didn't know _know_ at first," Abigail explained. "But it was easy enough to figure out that you weren't from just any old engineering program."

"I mean nobody had ever seen you when we were at the Academy," Chekov sniffled. "And I took a lot of Engineering courses!"

"So is somebody finally gonna mention how I was right about that?" M'Benga chimed in, a pointed look at Spock.

"Speaking to the other Spock in Vulcan might have been the real give away," John said causing everyone to laugh.

"Why?" she asked when it grew silent again, wondering how they could have just let her stay on their ship, when she had caused so much hurt.

"Because we know that you aren't a bad person," Giles said. "You care too much to be a bad person."

"You've watched out for my back quite a few times," John said.

"You literally saved my life from that douchebag Traylor Whitehall," Abigail reminded.

"Rock and a hard place," Scotty said again.

She felt Leonard right behind her, his presence comforting as she stared at the group and then looked around the shipyard which had been so kind to her.

"Shipyards will always be around, "Abigail gently reasoned.

"But five-year missions on the best ship in the galaxy, with the best people in the galaxy, only come around once in a blue moon," Captain Kirk said. There was a look of contentment on his face as he silently asked her to come back aboard the _Enterprise_. "So what do you say, Hanson?"

Scotty smiled brightly at her.

"I," she wavered. "I don't have much say in the manner do I?"

Laughter, rough and loud, but so happy, erupted from the crowd in front of her.

"You don't," Scotty chuckled, wiping away a tear from laughing so hard.

Leonard's arm wrapped around her waist, squeezing tight, anchoring her.

"Serious, you still not going to mention that I was right?" M'Benga asked Spock, who pretended like he hadn't heard the question.

"Alright, alright," Sulu broke up the party. "I'm not one to be a wet blanket normally, but my babysitter's about to go on the clock and we're in a completely different time zone."

Scotty was happily humming to himself and patted him on the back. "Luckily for you, the marvels of modern technology!"

The group began to head back towards the Transporters, a happy boisterous group, thrilled to be back together again. Milo and John were joking and laughing, John going on about how he'd made bank because he'd accurately bet on when Mattie would rejoin the _Enterprise's_ dungeon. Uhura shyly took Spock's hand, an affectionate move, pulling him along as she walked and talked with Sulu and Chekov.

The Captain watched his crew with blue eyes that conveyed a wanting.

"You know Carol's in San Francisco this weekend," Mattie said, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. He didn't respond and she didn't push him. "I just thought you might want to know."

Jim smiled, nodded his head and then pushed forward so that Mattie and Leonard could have a more private moment together.

Leonard squeezed Mattie's hand, watching her carefully. "Do you still love me?" he asked, suddenly afraid that she would never say it to him again despite her walking side by side with him right then.

She looked up and smiled. "Always."

His heart did this weird flip, bump thing that he was too manly to really think about. He looked over her head as they walked around the shipyard. Most of the crew was passing through the entrance point and she stopped.

"I should go talk to Larry."

Leonard raked a hand through his hair. "Yeah, Jim might have already told him that we were stealing you away." She smiled softly and he took another glance around the shipyard. "Hey," he said, squeezing her hand tightly again. "You love this job don't you?"

She nodded.

He made the decision right then and there. "Your choice."

She looked at him in confusion.

"When this stupid mission is over," he explained. "We'll be back on Earth and I won't be looking for any more space travel, so your choice when it's all said and done. If you want to come back here or pick another shipyard, I mean Jim will probably try to convince you to pick San Francisco and admittedly wherever we go, he'll probably follow us, just because he's that annoying."

She was biting back a grin. "Leonard," she said softly.

He didn't stop. "I don't want you to think that I'm taking you away from this job. So it's your pick next wherever we go."

Her eyes were shiny again. "I love you."

His heart burst, but he hoped he looked calm. He bent down and pressed his lips against hers and she stood on her tiptoes to lean into the affectionate move. When they broke apart, Leonard looked up, catching the eye of Milo. The kid nodded his head before turning back to one of his friends. Leonard would never admit how much that approval meant to him. He grabbed Mattie's hand again.

"You know," he suddenly stated. "There is one promise that you keep breaking."

She cocked her head at him.

"You always agree with M'Benga," he said. "Even though you know it always makes me uncomfortable."

Mattie laughed and Leonard was so happy that for the first time in a long time things felt like they were exactly how they were supposed to be. Loving that he was making her laugh he kept teasing.

"We'll work on that," he promised, ready and willing to work on the challenge of Mattie and M'Benga constantly ganging up on him.

"Getting me to stop going along with whatever prank M'Benga has up his sleeve might not be possible. It might not be fixable."

He stopped and looked down at her hand, her hair snapping in the Australian wind and the sun creating a halo around her blonde locks. He squeezed her hand and she smiled, the best smile he quite possibly had ever seen.

"Everything is fixable."

* * *

 ***** So let me explain a little. I toiled over figuring out how to end this thing. As in, I went, and even began to write out, in so many different directions. It was especially tricky to figure out how to get Mattie's past out into the open. At one point Nov was supposed to _hate_ Mattie's guts while another plot twist had the special engineers running off to help Greta again. But nothing ever really felt right until I realized that this book was a lot more about silently healing from a damaging past than it was about dramatic action or plot twists. What's funny though is that in every variation of how this story ended, it always had Mattie in the Melbourne Shipyard with her friends finally tracking her down to bring her back. I always had the idea that the engineers would force Leonard to confront his true feelings. While writing this my love for Milo tripled and it honestly wasn't until writing the scene between him and Abigail, did I realize that they in fact had the ability to fall in love with one another. I really think of him as a hero in this chapter.

So I hope that this ending was satisfying. Words can't explain how happy it made me to write this. And to everyone, _everyone_ , who has read, followed, favorited or sent a review, I can't properly thank you enough. I read every review and felt like you were my friend. To those who were especially kind to my OC characters, I also can't thank you enough. It's scary in the Fanfic world to introduce, let alone focus on an OC!

I have a few more ideas rambling in my head that I'd like to write (I'm determined to give Jim Kirk a love story). I do try to have the story mostly complete before I begin to post, so it might be awhile. Nevertheless, I hope to see you all soon and once again can't tell you how much I have enjoyed the process of posting this story! Thank you :)


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